What to Expect the Toddler Years (141 page)

Equipping her.
As every adult party-goer knows, entering a social situation is always easier if you’ve got something in your hands—a bag, a cold drink, a plate of canapés. Likewise, your toddler may feel more confident striding into a group of peers at play if she’s carrying something—a doll or stuffed animal,
for instance. Not only will the toy, because it’s hers, give her a sense of security, but it may give her an “in” with the other children—whether it’s used in the game or just admired. Prepare your child for the possibility, however, that she may need to share the toy she brings and help her select a toy she is willing to share.

Helping her, if she needs it.
If you see your toddler looking longingly over at a group of children at play, and she seems to want to join but doesn’t know how, try giving her a few social pointers. Without pushing her to advance before she’s ready, suggest a way in (“Why don’t you go over and show those girls your new doll?”). Or if she’d like company when she makes her move, volunteer to move in with her—at least for a while. With her okay, take her hand and enter the circle of play together, asking the permission of the other children before you join in (“Could Jessica and I help you make that sand castle?”). Stay as long as she needs you, but no longer; retreat as soon as she seems comfortable.

Once your toddler has turned three, if you notice that her shyness interferes with her life (she never participates at preschool, always hangs onto you at play group, refuses to go to parties), discuss the problem with her doctor. There are counseling options and early, gentle interventions that can successfully modify extreme shyness in young children.

“Whenever we’re out and someone tries to say ‘hello’ to my toddler, he’s very rude. He refuses to smile or answer their questions, and it gets embarrassing.”

A toddler who doesn’t speak when he’s spoken to or smile when he’s smiled at isn’t being rude, he’s being normal—for a toddler, that is. Most toddlers are very uncomfortable in social encounters with adults they don’t know well (and sometimes even with those they know well but don’t see often), and they’re usually even more uncomfortable when prodded and prompted (“Come on, silly, say ‘hello’ to Mrs. Walker”). They reject the kindness of strangers not out of ill will or orneriness, but because of natural timidity, immature social skills, or a lack of common interests (Mrs. Walker doesn’t play with Legos or climb the jungle gym). Convincing your toddler to be more sociable won’t be easy, and may not even be possible during the next couple of years. But these pointers may help reduce his discomfort (and yours) in such situations:

Care more for your toddler’s feelings than for appearances. Sure it’s embarrassing to have your child regularly ignore those who greet him. But it’s important to keep
your
embarrassment in perspective, to take
his
feelings into account, and to realize that most people understand a toddler’s reticence with strangers. So, don’t push. Accepting his timid ways and supporting him even when he refuses to be cordial will make it easier for him to become more sociable—when he’s ready. And don’t label him, by telling him not to be so rude or explaining his behavior to others as “bashful.” If you do, he’ll have little choice but to live up to the label.

Speak for your toddler, if he’s reluctant to speak for himself when addressed by strangers. For example, if he remains mute when a neighbor asks him, “What have you been doing today?” say, “We’ve just been to the playground, haven’t we?” That gives him an easy entry into the conversation. At which point he may nod “yes” or want to share an anecdote, such as “I went on the swings,” or he
may remain incommunicado. Provide this service ungrudgingly, whenever you sense he needs it, but always give him a chance to answer for himself first.

Try a little play acting. Help your toddler practice his social skills at home, where he feels comfortable and confident. Stage a pretend encounter at the market; you can be the cashier, and he can be the customer. Ask him questions that he might hear from friendly adults (“How old are you?” “What a nice hat you’re wearing—is it a baseball hat?” “What’s your teddy bear’s name?”), and encourage him to answer. If he’s hesitant, turn the tables and play the “toddler” yourself. It may be easier for him to be the grown-up asking the questions.

Set a social example. Stop and speak to friends you meet in the street, say “Hello, how are you?” to the check-out clerk in the supermarket, the teller at the bank, the gas station attendant when you stop to refuel. Chat about the weather, the price of coffee, the dropping interest rates, the latest gas tax. Exchange a few pleasantries with his teacher when you pick him up at preschool, with the parents of his friends after play dates, with other parents at the playground. The art of small talk is rarely inborn; most of us learn it from eavesdropping on others.

While it’s important to encourage good manners, never give your toddler the sense that you expect him to be unfailingly cordial to every adult or that he must do whatever any adult tells him to do. If he’s uncomfortable about something, it’s okay to refuse.

“My toddler just started preschool. Other kids in her class seem to have picked up best buddies, but she can’t seem to make a friend.”

Paired-off play becomes more common in the third year than it was in the second, but it certainly isn’t universal. For many toddlers, making friends isn’t a priority. They’re often just as happy, if not happier, playing
alongside
their peers, playing by themselves, or playing with an older child or an adult (it’s more predictable, less risky). Experience—or lack of it—certainly has a lot to do with how actively social a child is. Many of your toddler’s classmates may have been in day care for a year or even two, or may at least have participated in a play group regularly from an early age. Children with such experience tend to pair off earlier than those for whom early social encounters are limited.

Sometime during the next couple of years (it may be later than sooner), your child will almost undoubtedly begin to make friends. If she’s simply a late social bloomer, she may even end up with a very busy social calendar. Don’t push her, but do give her support and help, using the suggestions for building toddler social skills on page 183. Be her friend, even when she doesn’t have a peer friend out there. If she’s shy, you will need to take this into account in helping her to make friends. If she’s aggressive or bossy, either of which can also interfere with friend-making, explain that “Other children don’t like to play with children who are bossy (or hit),” and take steps to help her deal with these traits (see pages 411 and 190). Keep in mind that some children (like some adults) tend to want to look over a situation (such as a new school) before entering into it wholeheartedly. If that’s her style, let her watch from the sidelines until she’s ready to make her move. Re member, too, that some, the
observers
, never seem to want to make that move at all (see page 215).

When you see your toddler on the outside looking in, seemingly eager to join the fun but too shy to try, you can suggest (but not insist on her trying)
some ways to make contact: “Annie likes to play with puzzles. Why don’t you see if she’d like to help you put some pieces in yours?” Or, “Why don’t you ask David if you can play blocks with him?” If your toddler is hesitant to ask, occasionally ask for her so she’ll get the idea. Or get her started on a fun project and invite another child to join her. But don’t make a habit of intervening, or she may never learn to initiate contacts herself.

Most important of all, let her set her own social pace. If she’s happy playing on her own and with family members, accept that; it’s not necessary for her to have a circle of friends at this age. If, on the other hand, she seems upset by not having made a friend yet, explain the situation to her teacher (when your toddler’s not within earshot); a little skillful intervention on the teacher’s part may well get your daughter into the social swing.

“Our son seems like a pretty happy kid overall, but he’s so touchy and sensitive. A dozen times a day, at the slightest provocation, he bursts into tears. This seems extreme, especially for a boy.”

Toddlers, in general, cry a lot. That’s true of both girls
and
boys. In fact, studies show that before the age of twelve, crying patterns are pretty much the same in both genders. (After that, girls cry more often—probably, it is now believed, as much because of adolescent hormones as social conditioning.) Current wisdom encourages us to accept the idea that boys cry, and in most quarters, crying is no longer considered a no-no for boys, or even for men.

For the young, crying is often a method of communication. Not yet very facile with language, they cry to express feelings and frustrations. So it’s possible that your toddler’s crying will lessen as his vocabulary increases. Some toddlers cry more easily than others because their parents have unconsciously encouraged it, either by overreacting to physical or emotional injury (“Oh, you poor thing, did you get hurt?”) or by heaping on lavish amounts of attention when the tears begin to flow. Be sure that isn’t the case in your home.

It’s also possible, however, that your toddler seems sensitive simply because he’s a sensitive child. Sensitivity, like shyness, gregariousness, or aggressiveness, is a personality trait that is often inborn. Usually, the sensitive child, like the shy child, acclimates slowly to new people and situations, and has a more difficult time with transitions and changes. He may also be sensitive to sound, light, and/or touch.

While most toddlers experience life intensely, the sensitive child experiences life with
profound
intensity. Whether it’s a tiny nick to the knee or to the ego, it’s reason enough for a sensitive child to cry—louder and longer than might seem warranted. Instead of taking his tumbles in stride, the sensitive child collapses in a weeping heap after a fall. Instead of grabbing back a toy that’s been wrenched from his hands by a playmate, the sensitive child crumples to the floor in tears.