Whatever It Takes (18 page)

I never worked up the courage to confess to my sister what happened but Diane now knew.  Gavin and I had her and Mike over for dinner one night and he told them after we decided together that we should.  They both reacted in shock, but neither of them yelled at Gavin or passed any judgement.  They were happy we were trying to work things out.

Gavin was being extra sweet to me, continuing with the texts throughout the day, taking me out for dinner, and leaving me love notes in places I’d least expect to find them.  One morning I went to brush my teeth and wrapped around my toothbrush was a post-it.  It read, “
To My Darling Girl, As you brighten your smile, know that all of my smiles are because of you.  I love you.” 
The next day, after I showered and went to remove a towel to wrap myself in, another note fluttered to the floor.  That one said, “
I could wrap myself in a hundred fresh towels and that still would not compare to the way I feel when I am wrapped in you.  I love you.” 
What a smooth mother effer he was. 

The only trouble was I still wasn’t able to have sex with him again yet.  I tried, but if there was one thing that brought me back face-to-face with his adultery, it was trying to be intimate with him.  Gavin surprised me one night with tickets to a U2 concert.  He had texted me from work to be dressed and ready to go out by the time he got home.  He had told me to dress casually and so I waited for him anxiously, wearing a dark jean skirt that hit just above my knees and my green Dublin tee that I had gotten on our honeymoon.  Gavin hadn’t told me anything about what to expect that night and so I was filled with nervous excitement.  Whatever it was, I knew it would be amazing.

When he arrived home he quickly changed into jeans himself with a white shirt.  When he noticed I was wearing open-toed sandals he told me, “You’re going to want to change your shoes.  Something that covers your feet, baby.”

That definitely got my gears turning and so I begged him to tell me.  He finally relented and when he pulled the two tickets from his back pocket to show me I squealed and jumped up and down like a child on Christmas morning.  He smiled broadly, enjoying my reaction and then urged me to hurry and change my shoes.  I honestly could not remember a time I had been so excited.  Gavin had taken me to many concerts over the years but never to see U2.  They were one of our absolute favorite bands. 

We didn’t have much time, so we hit a drive-through first for dinner and stuffed ourselves with greasy burgers and fries in his car on the drive there.  The entire time I was giddy with anticipation. 

“Where are our seats?” I asked him, my mouth half full of burger.

“Right on the floor,” he answered, “middle of the stage.  Bono is going to be able to tell what color eyes you have.”

I squealed once again and took a hold of his hand, shaking it.  “Oh my God, Gavin!  I can’t believe you did this!”

He gripped my hand back and then brought it to his lips before settling it back in my lap and holding it there.  “I’ll bring you to the moon, Em, if it would make you happy.” 

Gavin held my hand from the time we parked the car to when we found our seats.  The stadium was packed with people and as excited as I was, I was also very nervous being in such an enormous crowd.  Gavin quickly pointed out the easiest path to an exit should we need it, knowing that would put my mind at ease. 

The concert was beyond amazing.  When U2 took the stage the screams were so loud the floor beneath us vibrated.  Though I screamed right along with the thousands of others in attendance, I also burrowed myself into Gavin, pressing one side of my face into him.  The sound was overwhelming.  He tucked me under his arm but raised the other above his head and hollered along with everyone else.  He was just as pumped as I was.

Song after song played and we stayed on our feet, moving to the music against each other.  Gavin had been right about our seats.  I could see the beads of sweat forming on Bono’s brow, that’s how close we were.  No matter what song was playing, Gavin and I stayed glued together, moving from being side to side to me standing in front of him.  When the familiar intro to
With or Without You
began, Gavin pulled me close to him, wrapping his arms tightly around my waist and resting his chin on my shoulder.  I held his hands to me and leaned back against his chest while he swayed us to the music.  I could have closed my eyes and let the music take over me but I didn’t want to miss seeing Bono sing my favorite song live.  And so I just stared, completely enraptured by the concert in front of me and the way Gavin moved our bodies.  It was the most awesome feeling I had ever experienced.  I was so at ease and yet so wired.  I was jelly in Gavin’s arms but taut with adrenaline. 

When the song neared the ending and Bono sang his, “Ooooohhhhh oh oh ohhhhhhh,” almost a hundred thousand people, Gavin and myself included, sang it back to him.  My goose bumps had goose bumps.   My eyes filled with moisture.

Gavin turned his head and brushed his lips against my neck and suddenly I was so turned on I couldn’t tell which way was up.  I gasped as my legs went weak and Gavin tightened his grip on me while pressing his hips into me.  He was turned on too.  Completely oblivious to the people around us, I turned in his arms and pulled Gavin to me in a heated kiss.  Our arms wrapped around each other tightly and we let our mouths devour one another.  The band switched to another song and while the music and screams filled our ears, we just kissed, moving our tongues and lips in a sexy dance to the beat.  My husband and I made out while U2 serenaded us with
Where the Streets Have No Name. 
It was the most erotic moment of my life.

After the concert had ended we made our way back to the car, both of us feeling like giddy teens.  As we waited to cross a street to the parking garage, Gavin turned me to face him and took my face in his hands.  He kissed me again, lightly this time, with a brush of his lips.

“You look so beautiful right now,” he told me.  His eyes swept all over my face.  “Your eyes are so bright and your lips are swollen.”  He ran his thumb over them as they turned up in a smile.  “Your hair is wild.”  He twirled the ends of it in his fingertips.  “You take my breath away, Emma.”

I kissed him sweetly back and then he grabbed my hand again and hurried us across traffic towards his car.  When we reached it he pulled me over to the passenger side but instead of opening the door for me, he pressed me against it and our make-out session started all over again.  Our kisses were slower this time though, less frantic but just as passionate.  Gavin took his time moving his tongue against mine, and then stopping to bite softly on my lower lip.  Cars honked as they passed us on their way out and someone even hooted out their open window, but we didn’t care.  We were the only people in the world at that moment.

Gavin brought his hands to my waist and he moved the material of my shirt up just an inch to rub his thumbs over my sides.  I moved my legs apart to let his knee fit between them and it crossed my mind that if I slid down just a few inches I’d get some much needed friction between my legs.  Thankfully though, Gavin pulled us apart.

“Let me get you home so I can make love to you,” he said.

During the drive home I started giving myself a pep talk.  I told myself I could do it.  I would have sex with Gavin tonight.  He made sure he kept me turned on by keeping his hand on me, from rubbing my knee, to grazing my thigh, to stroking my jaw.  I tried hard as hell to push all thoughts of his infidelity out and just feel his hand on me.  It was working, too.  By the time we pulled into the garage, I was willing to let him take me in the backseat. 

We went into the house though, and Gavin led me to our bedroom.  I sat on the bed while he removed my shoes and then pulled me back to my feet.  He kissed me, wrapping his arms around me to rest his hands on my backside.  I brought my hands up to wrap my fingers in his hair and kissed him back with everything I had.  We broke apart only to removed each other’s shirts and then went back to kissing.  I was still turned on, still in the moment, still eager to make love to my husband for the first time in ages.  Gavin moved my bra strap to kiss my shoulder and I shimmied out of my skirt.  As he licked and sucked at my neck I popped the buttons on his jeans and thrust my hand right beneath the denim to take his erection in my hand.  There was no underwear in the way; Gavin always went commando in jeans. 

I knew Gavin was determined to take this slowly, this being our first time together in so long, but I was in a hurry, worried I was going to lose my nerve at any minute.  He went back to kissing me while I moved my hand up and down the length of him, stopping only to push his jeans down over his hips.  He stepped out of his shoes and kicked his pants off his feet and then went back to paying all of his attention to me.  He groaned while I kept my hand moving over him and kissed me all over my face, shoulders, and neck.  Finally, he moved my hand from his cock and then put his own between my legs, stroking me gently over the damp lace of my panties.  I reached around to remove my bra and then he laid us down on the bed. 

We kissed while he continued to stroke me, over my panties first and then moving them down to touch my bare flesh.  I cried out at the first sharp sting of pleasure that shot throughout my body.

“I’ve missed you so much,” Gavin whispered against my lips and then went back to kissing me while his hand massaged me.

I was completely fine while we kissed and touched, totally there with Gavin, in our bed.  But then suddenly, I just wasn’t.  He moved his mouth down to my breast and then the anxiety and reluctance hit me like a ton of bricks.  I wasn’t trying to, I swear, but how do you convince yourself to
not
think about something?   And so while he circled his tongue around my pebbled nipple, I returned to the dark place where Gavin was doing this to
her.

Angry and frustrated, I pulled at Gavin’s hair until he was back face-to-face with me so we could kiss.  For some reason it was easier when we were kissing.  I kept his lips on mine for a while but then he moved back down again to run his tongue over other places.  Once again, I felt tense and anxious. 

Fuck it, I thought.  I’d force myself to get through this and once he was inside of me I’d be fine.  I let him kiss my neck, my shoulder, across my collarbone and down my breast, and then I couldn’t feel anything. I wasn’t there anymore.  I just kind of checked out and tried to focus my thoughts on anything but
her. 
I squeezed my eyes closed and fisted my hands in the comforter beneath me.  I didn’t even notice when Gavin stopped.

“Emma, look at me,” he commanded, startling my eyes open.

“What?” I gasped.

“Where are you, baby?” he asked, cupping my cheek and looking down at me.

“I’m here, I’m fine,” I told him pulling him down to kiss me once again.  “Don’t stop.”

We moved our lips together and then Gavin moved down my body yet again, eliciting the same reaction from my body.  He stopped sooner this time and sat up.

“Emma, you’re gritting your teeth!”  He looked down on me with sad eyes. 

“I am?” I brought my hand to my jaw and was surprised to feel the tension there.  Still, I was determined to do this.  I wanted to do this.  “It’s fine, Gavin, please,” I begged, grabbing his arm to pull him down on top of me once again.  But he wouldn’t budge.

He shook his head and closed his eyes and told me, “No, Emma.  Don’t ask me to do this.  Don’t ask me to make love to you when you’re lying there looking like you can’t stand it.”

I pulled myself up to kneel at his side.  “It’s not that,” I swore to him.  “I want you, Gavin, I swear I do.”  I put my arms around his neck and pulled him to me.  I managed to kiss just his cheek.  “Just let me get through this and I’ll be fine.”  I moved to kiss his neck and then brought my lips to his ear.  I flicked my tongue over his earlobe before whispering, “Please, just fuck me.  Please.”

He turned his head to capture my lips with his own and for a moment I thought I had won.  But then he broke apart from me and shook his head again. 

“Not like this,” he said and turned to put his feet on the floor.  He ran his hand through his already messy hair and then looked up at the ceiling.  “I can’t stand the thought of having sex with you while I’m enjoying it you’re struggling to tolerate it.  I can’t do that, baby.”

I scooted on the bed to sit behind him and wrapped my arms around him, resting my forehead between the sculpted shoulder blades of his back.  I kissed him there and he put his own hands over mine on his chest. 

“Don’t let this ruin our night,” I whispered.  “Tonight was amazing, Gavin, I just want it to end as it should.  I want you so badly, I do but I just can’t stop the thoughts of you and- they just won’t stay out of my head.  I’m trying, I swear I am trying.”

He turned at his waist and pulled me around to sit on his lap.  “I know you are,” he told me.  “You’ve done more than I deserve.  And that’s why I am going to wait, as long as it takes, for you to be completely ready to have sex again.”

He ended up showering alone and then we both went to sleep that night very frustrated.  I had to give him credit for his patience but it was wearing down on him.  It was wearing down on both of us.

Gavin

I was in my own personal hell and I had no right to complain about it, but goddamn if I wasn’t feeling like a bomb ready to go off at any second.  In addition to the worst case of blue balls in history, Lisa started calling my cell phone.  I didn’t answer any of her calls but I knew what she would say.  It would be the same thing she said on the dozens of voicemail messages she left at my work.  She needed me, she wanted me back, she was going to call Emma.  Honestly, what the hell did she think she was going to accomplish?  Did she really think that after all these calls I was going to just suddenly change my mind and profess my love for her.  It was looking like I was going to have to involve the police and try to get a restraining order and I really didn’t want to have to go through that shit.  Besides, things had been going so well with Emma lately (other than the fact she couldn’t bear to have me touch her) and I did not want to tell her about the calls, especially with our trip coming up.  Add that to the fact that work had been kicking my ass lately and I was one wound up son of a bitch.