When I Say No, I Feel Guilty (25 page)

JACK
: Has Mr. Smith explained the situation to you?

OWNER
: Yes, but why do you want your money back?

JACK
: The car is unsatisfactory to me and I want my money back.

OWNER
: What’s wrong with the car?

JACK
: If Mr. Smith has explained the situation to you, you know that already.

OWNER
: It seems like we are bending over backwards to satisfy you. We’ll fix your car or give you another one. What’s wrong with that? That sounds like a good deal to me. We don’t do that for everybody, you know.

JACK
:
I’m sure you don’t
, but
I am not interested in this car or a second one. I just want my money back
. [FOGGING, SELF-DISCLOSURE, and BROKEN RECORD]

OWNER
: Well, that’s impossible to do.

JACK
:
I’m sure it is difficult to make a refund
, but
I want my money back
. [FOGGING and BROKEN RECORD]

OWNER
: We only want to do what’s fair. Why can’t you be reasonable?

JACK
:
I’m sure you want to be fair. I want my money back
. [FOGGING and BROKEN RECORD]

OWNER
: What do you think would happen to the
business world if every Tom, Dick, and Harry could just come in and get their money back because they changed their mind? How long do you think we could stay in business if we operated that way?

JACK
:
I don’t know
. [SELF-DISCLOSURE]

OWNER
: Well, we just can’t do it.

JACK
:
I’m sure you really feel strongly about that
, but that car is on your lot and its keys are on your desk.
I’m not taking it back and I want a refund
. [FOGGING and BROKEN RECORD]

OWNER
: That’s a very unreasonable attitude to take.

JACK
:
That’s possible
, but
I still want a refund
. [FOGGING and BROKEN RECORD]

OWNER
: You go around through life like that, you’re not going to get along at all.

JACK
:
You may be right
, but
I still want a refund
. [FOGGING and BROKEN RECORD]

OWNER
: (Showing his temper; stands up, picks up the car keys, throws them down on the desk and shouts) You goddamn young punks, you think you can get away with anything! Come in here and think you’re a smart ass! Only a deadbeat like you wouldn’t keep his word on a bargain! Son of a bitch!

JACK
: (Calmly and coolly)
I’m sure this upsets you
, but
I want to get my money back as soon as possible. I’d like to do some other things today besides this
. [FOGGING, BROKEN RECORD, and SELF-DISCLOSURE]

OWNER
: (Jaw dropping agape and staring at Jack. Silent for a few seconds, he recovers his composure, smiles at Jack, and crosses around to where Jack is sitting, and shows an unbelievable change in attitude.) I’m glad you came to see me so we could straighten this out. A customer’s goodwill is the most important thing in this business. Let’s go down to the cashier’s office so she can write you a check. Now if you ever need another car, you come in and see me personally. I can make you a great deal. We have the best selection in town. (Opens door for Jack, walks down the hall with his arm over Jack’s shoulder, smiling and talking to
Jack with his TV sales pitch personality automatically switched on and operating) After each encounter with the car dealer’s staff, Jack kept in touch with me for feedback on how he had handled the situation and further coaching. We discussed the possible manipulative or fight-and-flight behavior that the sales personnel might display and I coached Jack on how he might cope with it. Incredible as it may seem, the particular behaviors we prepared for were exactly the behaviors Jack encountered, even to the point of the owner picking up the car keys, slamming them down on his desk, and cursing at Jack just prior to refunding his money. Jack’s reply to this anticipated temper tantrum was the cool, coached response of: “I’m sure this upsets you, but I want to get my money back (not: can I get my money back?) as soon as possible. I’d like to do some other things today beside this.”

As you might suspect, Jack was very pleased with the results of our detailed preparation for this learning exercise and his actual performance in the real situation. We had even planned for the possibility of the first salesman getting frustrated and angry or nervous and leaving, with Jack to call him back or to follow him wherever he went—an unlikely possibility since (1) the salesman’s job was to deal with dissatisfied customers and he probably had a lot of successful experience in putting customers off in the past, and (2) Jack was well practiced in not getting angry himself, agreeing with the viewpoint of the salesman and yet sticking to the point of what he wanted—repairs, another car, or a refund.

When Jack saw me next after his encounter with the owner, he didn’t wait for me to ask him how things went, but handed over a check made out to him and commented with a smile: “It was like shooting fish in a barrel.” Although Jack’s encounter with the used-car dealer makes a good story for encouraging other learners to seriously practice systematic assertive therapy, two important points must be kept in mind to place Jack’s success in clear perspective. First, the immediate question that needs an answer was asked me by one of
my colleagues when Jack told him of his success: “How did you know what to tell Jack? How could you predict what the salesman and owner would do so accurately?” Simple. No mystery. I made, as it turned out, a shrewd guess based upon my own experience and success in a similar encounter with a used-car dealer some twenty years ago when I was a student. My guess was that fight-and-flight patterns hadn’t changed much since then and, at least for this used-car dealer, my guess was right. However, the advice I gave to Jack on what might happen, assertively coaching and preparing him for it, was only the frosting on the basic assertive cake. Having some information on how and when other people might use fight-or-flight behavior to deal with him when he did not respond to their manipulation was relatively unimportant in comparison to Jack’s own general ability to cope assertively; this is the second point we need to keep in mind to place Jack’s success in clear perspective. Jack learned to be more assertive to regain his self-respect and to stop manipulation of his behavior by other people. He did not exert all his effort in learning to be assertive just to get a refund on a used car, even though that was one obvious side benefit. If Jack had not decided to get a refund, or if the owner had refused a refund, Jack still had achieved his primary goal—to be able to stand face to face with someone and say what he wanted, not to be intimidated or manipulated, to solve a problem in conflict and thereby feel better about himself. These things he accomplished.

In the next set of dialogues, you can see how two people assertively coped with conflicts that often arise in another commercial interaction—getting and delivering medical treatment.

Dialogue #15
Mary and Abel assertively cope
with difficulties in the
physician-patient
relationship.

In this set of short dialogues, a woman learning to be more assertive enters into a discussion with her physician over things that worry her, and the second person, a psychiatrist, copes with the unrealistic, demanding father of a patient. The first, Mary, is an older woman who has suffered a mild cerebral stroke that temporarily disabled her for six weeks. Mary spoke to me about her problem in communicating her wants to her doctor about several things; most important, she wanted to resume taking female hormones orally after recovering from her stroke, but the doctor always injected the hormones and her bottom was sore for days after. In Mary’s own words, the problem was: “How can I tell someone like that who knows a lot more than I ever will how to practice medicine?” Like many people (including some physicians with grandiose ideas) Mary confused a supervisor-authority type of relationship with a commercial one. Her doctor is not, and never was, Mary’s ultimate judge on what Mary “should” or “should not” do medically or in any other area. In order to receive the type of medical treatment she wants, Mary, like other nonassertive patients, has to face the hard reality that doctors are only technical consultants who will recommend specific medical procedures that, hopefully, will remedy a specific problem. Mary as a patient is still her own judge of what she will or will not do and is ultimately responsible for following or not following her doctor’s advice. On the other side, as you will see in the second situation, the doctor is responsible for what treatment he will and will not provide. Assertively worked-out limits on what treatment he will offer are also required by hard reality. The basic relationship between patient and doctor, therefore, is one that requires the negotiation of the details of the treatment procedures. This is, realistically, a commercial relationship, not one wherein an authority tells you what to do and you have no choice in the matter. Mary, however, had a fear that if she asserted herself to her doctor, he might not give a damn about her well-being anymore, or might tell her to find another doctor. While both of her fears could be possible
end results, they were not likely. Mary had seen her general practitioner for more than twenty years; she considered him a family doctor, and trusted him. He was not likely to choose such radical options to deal with the assertiveness of an old patient. If, on the other hand, he had told her to go to hell in professional jargon, she would be smart to get professional advice from some other source and drop him like a bad habit. If a health professional is so unsure of himself and his expertise that he resists reexamining specific procedures questioned by a patient, I personally wouldn’t let him treat my dog’s nervous skin condition, let alone myself. As the following dialogue shows, Mary’s doctor was able to cope with her assertiveness and still satisfy her wants.

Setting of the dialogue: Mary enters Dr. Beck’s office and sits down.

DOCTOR
: Well, Mary, the nurse tells me that your blood pressure is only 140 over 80. That’s a big improvement from three weeks ago.

MARY
: I’ve been doing all the exercises you said to do and taking it easy and slowing down.

DOCTOR
: Good! Good! Let’s see your arm. Can you move the wrist yet?

MARY
: It’s a little better this week. I still have trouble with my fingers. They just won’t pick up things.

DOCTOR
: That’s going to improve soon if you keep exercising them.

MARY
: I can raise my arm all the way up now and swing it around. I couldn’t do that last week. That’s a relief.

DOCTOR
: It’s going to keep getting better. I want you to continue taking the medication and we will drop it gradually as your blood pressure gets back to normal. Remember, you are going to have to take it for the rest of your life. I don’t want you to stop taking it just because you feel better.

MARY
: I won’t. I don’t want to go through this hell again.

DOCTOR
: Okay. You look very good. I want to see
you again in two weeks. I’ll tell the nurse to set up the appointment for you.

MARY
: Doctor, I want to speak to you about the hormones you gave me before. I want to get back on them. They make me feel so much better. I had a spring in my step when I was on them. [SELF-DISCLOSURE]

DOCTOR
: Sure. I think they help too. I’ll write an order to get you a shot right now.

MARY
:
That’s what I wanted to speak to you about. I want the hormones
, but
I don’t want to take a shot
. When the nurse jabbed me with that horse needle, I couldn’t sit down for days.
I want some pills instead
. [BROKEN RECORD and SELF-DISCLOSURE]

DOCTOR
: (Looking at Mary thoughtfully) It’s much better to take hormones by injection. One zap and it’s over with until you come in again.

MARY
:
That’s true
, but
I prefer the pills
. [FOGGING and BROKEN RECORD]

DOCTOR
: If I give you pills, you have to remember to take them daily.

MARY
:
That’s true, I will have to, but I prefer the pills
. [FOGGING and BROKEN RECORD]

DOCTOR
: Mary, the problem with pills is that a lot of women like yourself abuse them. They think that if two make them feel good, four will make them feel twice as good and they eventually take far too many and get in trouble.

MARY
:
I’m sure they do
, but
I still want to take the pills instead of those damn shots!
[FOGGING and BROKEN RECORD]

DOCTOR
: Mary, you have enough problems with this stroke. Why not take an injection now and we will talk about the pills when you come back next time?

MARY
:
Will you prescribe pills for me then?
[WORKABLE COMPROMISE]

DOCTOR
: I’d like to talk with you about it some more.

MARY
:
I can understand that
, but
I still want the pills and I’m not going to take any more of those damn shots
. [SELF-DISCLOSURE and BROKEN RECORD]

DOCTOR
: (Looking at Mary for a moment) I tell you what we’ll do. I’ll prescribe enough for you to take from now to your next appointment and then we will see how things are going. Okay?

MARY
:
Okay. That’s fine with me
. [WORKABLE COMPROMISE]

Mary reported that she was delighted at her doctor’s reaction to her strong wishes and felt that something had changed between them for the better as a result of her asserting herself. Even though she had known Dr. Beck for twenty years, she was always nervous in his presence and a bit afraid of what he might think of her. After coping with her doctor’s reluctance to do things the way she wanted them done, Mary reported later with a giggle and her soft smile that she felt more in control of what was going to happen to her when she saw her physician; consequently she was less afraid of him and more able to talk to him about the real problems of overcoming her disability.