When the Music Ends (The Winter Rose Chronicles) (23 page)

"Didn’t he tell you?"

"He did. I want to hear your side of it though."
            "There
was no time between us getting together and that horrible attack on Danny.
Everyone was so upset. I knew no one would approve of me and I didn’t
want to add to the problem. I realize that it was a poorly thought out plan. I
just don’t know what would have been a good time. Secrets have a way of
perpetuating themselves. The longer you keep one the harder it is to come clean
later. The thing is, I needed Sean. The situation with Danny was so horrifying.
I couldn’t cope without his support."

"I’m not sure why that is. You weren’t attacked.
You were just on the sidelines. What on earth did you need support for?"
It was a mean thing to say and Ellen knew it, but she wanted to get a reaction.

The question was a blow to Erin’s heart. It was exactly what
she had always feared. They had never seen her as really part of the situation,
or the family. Just like her mother said, she hadn’t been needed. She
didn’t answer for a long moment. She was struggling to maintain her
composure. She didn’t succeed. The unkind words stuck her in a weak
place, and her calm collapsed.

"Because I’m weak. Weak and selfish." A tear ran
down Erin’s cheek.

Ellen was taken aback. She hadn’t expected this.

"Selfish? No one said you were selfish dear. You were a very
good friend to Sheridan during that dark time."

"I know. I did everything I could. I only wish I could have
taken her pain away completely. I tried so hard to help her."

"You did help her dear."

"Yes, but I
was
selfish though. I gave everything I had
to Danny because she’s my friend and I love her. But the whole time I was
being selfish, because I was so jealous of this family. I wanted a little piece
of it for myself. I wanted Sean, and I took him. And I kept him. You
don’t have to tell me I’m not good enough to be part of this
family. I know that. I don’t deserve to be a Murphy." Erin sobbed.

"Erin, dear, don’t cry. I didn’t mean it."
Ellen tried to backpedal, but it was too late. A flood of misery poured from
Erin.

"No, you’re right. You’re absolutely right. I was
wrong to do what I did, to be with Sean. He deserves so much better than me. I
should just have let him go. I tried. But I couldn’t do it. I love him
too much. I’m sorry Ellen. I’m sorry to have pushed myself in where
I’m not wanted."

Erin
fled the room, weeping. She ran up the stairs
to Sean’s old bedroom, where she had lived out her last months of high
school, and threw herself on the bed.

The soft sound of sobs filtered down into the living room. Sean was
on his feet in a second, pounding up the stairs after his wife. She was crying
hard and he scooped her onto his lap on the bed, holding her tight, stroking
her hair.

"What’s wrong?"

"Nothing. I’m fine. Please, just leave me alone for a
little while Sean."

"Leave you alone while you’re hurting? Not a chance
baby." He cuddled her against his chest, rubbing her back in soothing
circles while she poured out a lifetime of suppressed misery. She would never
belong anywhere. It was hopeless. She should let Sean go. He did deserve a
better wife. But she couldn’t speak. She could only cry.

"Erin," Sean’s voice was serious. He knew what she
was thinking and addressed it directly. "I don’t know what she said
to you, but it doesn’t matter. I love you. You’re my wife.
I’m glad to be married to you, and I’m not letting you go. This is
it for us, you know. Remember how we promised? For better, for worse, for
richer for poorer, in sickness and in health until death do us part? I meant
that. I’ll never release you from those vows, so put those old demons of
inadequacy away. They don’t tell you the truth. They only torment you.
There’s nothing wrong with you Erin. Nothing."

"I can’t stand to come between you and your family…"

"You
are
my family," Sean interrupted, grasping
her hand and holding it in front of her face. "From the day I put this
ring on your finger, you were as much my family as anyone else in this house.
You are no less important to me than my own parents, and don’t forget
that."

"I don’t deserve it."

"Of course you do." He dropped her hand and lifted her
wet face, kissing her tenderly over and over, caressing her lips with his,
showing her that he loved her. After a while she began to calm down. Once he
was certain she was relatively under control, he sent her into the bathroom to
wash her face. Then he headed downstairs. He went straight to the kitchen.

"Mother, what did you do?" He asked Ellen, his jaw
clenched in anger.

Ellen was standing near the stove. She looked stunned, not at
Sean’s question, but at the explosion she had just caused. She
didn’t answer him.

"Come on, mom. Why was Erin crying? What did you say to
her?"

"I just told her I didn’t like you two keeping secrets,
that I wasn’t happy about it, and that a civil ceremony wouldn’t
do."

He didn’t believe it for a second, but rather than call his
mother a liar, he went on. "Why did you do that? I asked you not to."

"I had no idea she was so…fragile."

"I told you she was. She’s wanted to be part of this
family from the beginning, and frankly mother, she’s earned it."
            "I
know."

"I can hardly believe it. That my own wife would be made to
feel unwelcome by my family. We’re supposed to be this great, supportive
group that clings together in times of trouble. You know how Erin grew up. You
know her parents have always made her feel like an unwanted burden, and
it’s crap, Mom. She’s amazing. If you have also made her feel
unwanted, I don’t think I’ll ever forgive you. She was starting to
come around, to believe that maybe she was okay, but now I’m going to
have to start over again building her up. It’s not right."

"I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt her."

Sean narrowed his eyes. "Don’t tell me you’re
sorry."

"You’re right. Somehow I’ll make this up to
her."

"You had better. If she doesn’t feel comfortable being
with you, we won’t visit anymore."

And he walked away. Ellen was trembling slightly. It was perfectly
clear that whatever issues she had with Erin’s behavior, she was just
going to have to let them go or risk losing her son for good. She began to
brainstorm how to heal this breach.

Not surprisingly, dinner was very strained. Erin remained silent,
looking at her plate, pushing her food around without eating it.

Sean hovered protectively near her, holding her free hand, trying to
lend her comfort and support. It didn’t help. The deep wound inflicted on
Erin’s soul from her early childhood on had been ripped open and she was
suffering in ways none of those well adjusted people could understand. Her
misery was palpable in the room.

If she had known how everyone could see what she was feeling she
would have tried to suppress it. It was a private grief. But she didn’t
look up, so she couldn’t see the concern in their faces. Neither of the
Murphy parents had ever realized how desperately damaged Erin was. They had
seen her as strong, capable, and she had been when dealing with someone
else’s pain. Her love for Sheridan had given her strength. Maybe if she
could just help her friend enough, she would finally be worthy. Maybe she could
earn the right to be with Sean. Not that she had helped for that reason
exactly. She had helped because there was literally no other choice. She loved
her friend and had to be there for her.

When enough of the food had been consumed to be able to say
legitimately that dinner was over, Erin rose without being asked and cleared
away the dishes. Ellen remembered Sheridan telling her that she saw Erin as a kind of servant. It had been a hurtful thing to say, but maybe not an entirely
inaccurate one. She went to help, silently.

Once the kitchen was cleaned, Ellen made her first attempt to
rectify the situation.

"Erin, love, would you please play for us this evening?
I’ve missed your music very much."

Erin
smiled gravely and retrieved the music stand
she had left years ago in Sean’s bedroom.

Moments later, the Murphys were seated around the formal living
room, Sean and his father on the sofa, Ellen on an armchair nearby, while Erin
put her instrument together and set up her sheet music.

Soon the house was full of Christmas carols. Erin had carefully chosen
ones that sounded best in the oboe’s melancholy voice: O Come O Come
Emmanuel, What Child is This, Silent Night, The Coventry Carol. It was a
beautiful little concert. If the atmosphere had been less strained, it would
have been a very enjoyable evening. As it was, the music did help somewhat. Erin had always felt best when she had something to contribute.

As he watched his wife play, Sean’s heart swelled. He leaned
over to his father and whispered, "look at her, Dad, just look at her.
Have you ever seen anything so beautiful in your life?"

"She’s a wonderful girl son. I’m glad you have
her."

From her seat across the room, Ellen could see her son’s face
as he watched Erin play. She had never seen him with such an expression of
adoration and pride. This was truly not a whim, this romance. It was love of
the deepest, truest kind, based on selfless dedication. No one would be able to
come between them. It was something she had needed to know.

When the music was over, Sean pulled his wife to sit beside him on
the couch and put his arm around her, declaring his loyalties. She cuddled
against his side, laying her cheek on his chest. She was so tiny against his
size, and she looked delicate and lovely but very fragile still.

Erin
was exhausted from her late night and the
emotional scene earlier. She tried to keep from yawning, to hold it in, but
Sean seemed to notice it anyway.

"Well, we’d better go," he told his parents.

"Will you come to mass tomorrow?" Ellen asked.

"Of course," Erin said softly, "It will give me a
chance to talk to them about… what we said."

"What’s that baby?"

"Having our vows recognized by the church. It’s an
important thing to do."

"Oh, sure. We can do that."

"Will you both please come and see us for Christmas? We would
love to have you."

Erin
tried to smile at her mother-in-law.

"If you want us here, we’ll be here."

"Then please be here, Erin."

Much was said in those simple words, and everyone understood it. It
would take effort to make this mess back into a family, but if everyone did
their part, it would be possible.

As they were leaving, Ellen pulled Erin into a hug.

"I’m sorry," she said softly. Erin nodded.

"It’s okay. Thank you for inviting me."

"I need you to know that you’re always welcome
here."

This time, Erin really smiled. "Thank you."

And then Sean took his wife home and pulled her into bed with him.
Even though they had made love already that day, it was time for more. He
undressed her tenderly, kissing her body as he revealed it, taking his time,
showing her how much he adored her, and finally pulling her on top of him and
sliding into her so they could be one. It was a beautiful expression of love,
one that Erin could not deny, one that soothed her hurt and reminded her that
she was not alone, not unlovable. Her husband loved her, and even if no one
else ever did, it would be enough.

******

            Roger
and Ellen undressed and climbed into bed in silence.

            She
reached for the lamp, and he took her hand, restraining her. She turned towards
him. "What is your
problem
, Ellen?"

            "I
don’t know." She was not surprised at his confrontation.
"I’m really sorry about what happened. I didn’t mean to make
her so upset."

            "But
why do you have such issues with her? She’s a very sweet girl." He
wasn’t going to budge. She knew that serious, stubborn look all too well.

            Ellen
struggled to put her vague feelings of unease and distress into words.
"She is. I just hate the secrecy."

            "It’s
over." His voice was flat.

            "I
know. I know. I didn’t think…"

            "No
you didn’t," he interrupted. She was glad. She really had no idea
what to say next. "And it’s not like you to be so insensitive. What
is it about Erin that makes you so uncomfortable? You never used to be that way
with her."

            "I
never realized that she loved Sean."

            "I
know. But is it really that bad that she does? I mean, I’m glad our son
is married to a woman capable of that level of selfless love and devotion.
She’s going to be very good to him. You can’t imagine how terrible
that year was for her, and yet she rose to the occasion over and over, beyond what
anyone could have asked for or expected. It’s no surprise she needed some
help."