When You're Ready (18 page)

“A chance?”

“Yeah. Right now she sees me as a friend and I see her as—“

“Your woman?”

“Exactly.”

Nola
was
mine. The thought of anyone else being with her made feel a little homicidal. It was scary how territorial I’d gotten in such a short time, but I couldn’t help it. I would fuck someone up if they tried to hurt Nola, or take her away from me.

“Just make it plain,” Fernando said, bringing me back to reality. “Continue being there for her and when the time is right tell her how you feel. You’re a great guy, Scout. You’ve been through a lot, but you’ve got a good head on your shoulders and a huge heart. She’d be stupid to walk away from all that.”

I blew out a rush of air.
Huge heart
, eh? I wondered what Jason and Fernando saw in me that I didn’t see in myself, because in my eyes I was still that fucked up kid in Pacoima with a massive chip on his shoulder.

“But what if I let her in and she bolts in the other direction? You know I’ve got a ton of baggage. What if she can’t handle it?”

“Man you’re not as fucked up as you think you are, Scout. Your parents really did a number on you, huh? You have to learn to let that shit go and move on with your life. Maybe this girl is your chance.”

I turned Fernando’s words over in my mind. Nola was most certainly my chance at a good life, and maybe even my own family. But if I pushed her too quickly too soon it could freak her out.

On the surface it looked like I had it all, a shit ton of money, decent looks, and enough cockiness to get me through just about any situation. But before Nola tiptoed into my life I was fucking lonely and craving love,
real fucking love
, as much as my parents craved cocaine. Nola was my shot at everything I never had, but always wanted. I couldn’t blow it.

Fernando interrupted my thoughts. “Hey man, is she even worth it?”

“Absolutely.”

“Well, that’s good enough for me. When do we get to meet her?”

“I dunno. She has to take it easy for the next few days, then we’ll see.”

“Well Zoe and I are riding out to Zuma Beach on Saturday for the Hogs & Heifers barbeque, Jason will also be there. You should bring her.”

“Around a bunch of knucklehead bikers trying to show off? I don’t think so.”

“Come on, man. It’ll be fun. We haven’t all ridden up the coast in a while. Besides, nothing will happen to her with you, me, and Jason around.”

I wanted to introduce Nola to my boys, but Hogs & Heifers wasn’t exactly the best place to do it. When people started drinking things could get rowdy, and several times the whole event ended in a brawl. Still, riding up Highway 1 with Nola pressed against my back made me hard just thinking about it, and her getting a stamp of approval from my brothers made it sound even better.

“I’ll think about it,” I said, already wondering if I could get Nola a full-face helmet and riding gear in time.

“Cool. Well, let me get back to
my
girl. You take care of yours.”

“I will, man. Thanks…for everything.”

When I hung up the phone I decided to go check on Nola again, just to be sure she was still okay. I padded down the long corridor to the guestroom, careful not to make too much noise in case she was asleep. When I looked in the room, Nola wasn’t in the bed. I checked the bathroom and noticed she wasn’t in there either, and then I walked to my room hoping to find her naked and waiting for me in my bed. No dice. I jogged down the stairs checking the living room, kitchen, and guest bedroom, but Nola was nowhere in sight.

I started to panic. I raced back up the stairs, searching all the rooms again before ringing her cellphone three times. When the calls went straight to voicemail my stomach dropped.
What if she left?

I ran back downstairs to grab my keys and jet to her apartment, but before I made it to the garage I saw a light shining in the backyard. I pushed through the sliding glass door and trudged out into the night. It was just after 11 pm and the full moon lit up the blackness. I gazed around, but didn’t see Nola.

I walked toward the pool, trying to quash the anxiety rising in my chest. Nola couldn’t leave. She couldn’t just walk out and take away my chance at a happy life. I still had four days to get her to fall in love with me; four days to convince her that I was her future; four days to persuade her to be mine.

I turned the corner and a smile spread across my face. Nona hadn’t fled under the cover of darkness. She was sitting on the edge of the Jacuzzi with her legs dangling in the water and her eyes trained on the sky.

Fucking gorgeous.

“Are you
trying
to catch a cold?” Nola was still dressed in nothing but the t-shirt I’d given her when I brought her home.

She looked up at me and my smile disappeared. “Sorry,” she said, her eyes full of sadness.

“What’s wrong, baby?”

“Just…thinking.” She shrugged, aimlessly moving her feet through the warm water. “I was supposed to work tonight and I’m not there. I’m pretty sure Ross will fire me now; he’s been threating to do it for a while. I guess I made it easy for him.”

I sat down beside her, rolled up my sweats and dipped my feet into the hot tub. “I think you’ll be okay.”

“Without a job?” she sucked her teeth, “I’ll have to dip into my tuition money just to pay my rent. This is all bad, Scout.
Very
bad.”

I grabbed her hand, running my thumb along her palm. “You still have a job, Nola. I called your boss and told him what happened.”

“You did?” her eyes brightened. “What did he say?”

“What could he say? This shit is his fault.”

The corner of Nola’s mouth twitched up into a smile and all I could think about was tasting her lips. “You didn’t curse him out, did you?”

“Not exactly.”

“What does that mean?”

“I told him if he ever pulled a stunt like this again I’d have my lawyer sue him for everything he’s got,
including
the lint in his pockets.”

Nola giggled and leaned against me.

“And if that wasn’t enough, I let Ross know I’d kick his ass if he even
thinks
about making you work another double shift.”

Nola gasped, her eyes wide and wonderful. “You didn’t!”

“Damn right. You could have been seriously injured, Nola. You could’ve—“ My voice splintered and I wouldn’t allow myself to say the words that had been sitting on the tip of my tongue.

You could have died
.

The mere
thought
of Nola dying made me fucking sick; I couldn’t bring myself to actually say it aloud. I took a deep breath and tried exhaling the despicable idea from my brain.

“I’m sorry I let you down.”

“Scout—“

“I know what you’re going to say, Nola, but this is totally my fault. I should’ve been there to pick you up. I should’ve convinced you to not even go to work in the first place. I knew you were dog-tired and I let you go anyway. Hell, I even dropped you off!”

Nola tipped my chin her in direction. “It’s not your fault, okay? Please don’t think that.”

“What else am I supposed to think?” I stroked her hand, hoping she’d forgive me for letting her down. “You’re out there busting your ass when you don’t even have to. I mean, look around, Nola.” I flung my arms wide, hoping she’d realize that I was ready to give her the world. “You don’t have to kill yourself for a couple of hundred dollars a week. I can help out.”

“Scout—“ She started to speak, but I cut her off, ready to explain that my offer wasn’t about charity, but rather love—or something like it.

“And no, this isn’t about feeling bad for you, or seeing you as a charity case. I want to help because I lo—“ I had to stop myself before I said the L-word and scared her off. “I
like
you, Nola. You’re my girl and I care about you. I meant it when I said we’re in this together, and that means stepping in when I see you struggling. It
kills
me to see you stressed out and working so hard, baby, especially when I know I can make things a lot easier.”

Nola covered her face and cried softly into her hands. I couldn’t tell whether they were tears of joy, or if she was even more upset, so I sat there with my stomach in my throat. After a few minutes, she raked her hands through her hair and finally met my eyes.

“I…I don’t deserve this,” Nola stammered. “You’re so…” her voice hitched in her throat and I waited, unable to decide what the hell to say. “This is too much, Scout.
You’re
too much. I don’t even deserve this….or you.”

She dropped her head to her lap and it took me a minute to figure out what she said. She didn’t deserve
me?
Me? Nola thought
I
was too good for
her
?

“Baby, what are you talking about?” I stroked her back, trying to coax her to look at me. “I’m the one who doesn’t deserve you, Nola. You’re stunning and brilliant and funny and kind. You’re more than I could ever want in…a friend.”

I suddenly felt overcome by the need to lay my cards on the table. It was now or never. I had to tell Nola that I wanted more than to just be her buddy; I needed her heart.

“Baby? Listen. I know you said you don’t believe in happily ever after, but I think we—“

Nola bolted upright and covered my mouth. “Please don’t say it, Scout. Please don’t.”

I pealed her fingers away and kept talking. “Nola, I really think we could—“

“Stop it!” she yelled, startling me into silence. “All of this is my fault, okay? The other night I…” Nola suddenly stopped talking as more tears slid down her face. Whatever was bothering her was tearing at my heart too. It gutted me to see her in so much pain.

She wiped her face and kept talking. “Trust me, I don’t deserve this…I…I...can’t…” she sputtered, and then took a breath. “You don’t want to be with me, Scout. I’m...damaged goods.”

I chucked, if Nola was damaged I was beyond repair. “Baby, me too. You think I’m not fucked up? I
totally
am.”

She shook her head. “You don’t understand, Scout. Last night, I…”

“We don’t have to talk about that anymore, okay? As long as you forgive me, we can put it behind us. I promise I won’t let you down again. Ever.”

Nola sighed, then said the words no man ever wants to hear from the woman he loves. “Scout, there’s something I need to tell you.”

19
Nola

I was a horrible person. I’d spent the whole night staring at the ceiling in Scout’s guestroom, pretending to be asleep whenever he peeked through the door, and thinking about how awful I was. Scout had welcomed me into his home, promised to take care of me, and kissed me like both our lives depended on it—but it was all based on a lie. He thought he was to blame for my accident, thought it was his fault I’d passed out and cracked my head on the bus. He thought he let me down, but couldn’t have been more wrong.

It was my fault,
entirely
my fault. I was the idiot who thought I could work two double shifts on basically zero sleep, no food, lots of coffee, and Roxy’s dumb pills. I knew it was wrong to take them. I knew I was gambling with my health and they could backfire on me, but I took a chance. Now, it was going to cost me Scout.

I tried to tell myself losing him would be for the best. There was no way I could afford to be irrational and fall in love anyway; I had things to accomplish first. I needed to finish school, get a good job, and start building a real life—basically be everything my mother was not—and falling in love
did not
fit anywhere in my plans. Still, as I gazed at the ceiling all I could think about was the emptiness I’d feel if Scout never wanted to see me again once he learned the truth.

I couldn’t blame him either. I let him take the blame for my stupid decisions because I was scared. If I told him the truth, that I took Adderall and chased it with a gigantic cup of coffee, I was terrified he would think I was as repulsive as his parents and kick me out of his life.

How had we even gotten here? I couldn’t understand how easily Scout had come into my life and completely taken over my thoughts. I’d spent years avoiding guys, fearing I’d end up brokenhearted and smashed to bits like my mother. Since Scout came into my life, however, everything changed. I couldn’t go an hour without thinking about him. I couldn’t even
look
at my phone without sending him a text message or giving him a call. It was like he’d quietly burrowed his way into my heart, and now he was going to leave.

I couldn’t sleep, so I ambled out to the pool to dip my feet in, but the water was too cold. I plopped down by the hot tub instead and wracked my brain for a way to tell Scout the truth without pushing him away. But as he tried to convince me we could live happily ever after, I knew we didn’t stand a chance.

Scout was way too good for me. He doted on me in a way I hadn’t experienced since I was little girl, he made sure I was safe, and he wanted to help me out in any way he could. Even though I felt completely comfortable and alive when I was with him, I didn’t deserve a guy like Scout. I mean, what could I give him in return? Daddy issues, a heart full of pain, and a fear of commitment?