Where Love Grows (27 page)

Teresa clung to Susan's arm as Bishop Henry began the prayer. With her head bowed, Susan dared to peek again at
Mamm
and
Daett
. They looked so calm, so at peace with what was happening. Not at all like she had expected. How had they found such grace while she was so torn up?
Mamm
must be burning up inside from the shame, yet on the outside she was serene. And communion would be in two weeks. For the first time that she could remember,
Mamm
and
Daett
wouldn't participate. This knowledge must even now be tearing at their hearts. And ahead of them lay six more weeks of this. Tonight they would probably weep in each other's arms. But they would also keep presenting accepting faces during the day like they were now. Committed to enduring what
Da Hah
had seen fit to send their way.

At least
Mamm
was standing with
Daett
. That was much to be thankful for. She didn't have to. No one would have blamed or required it of her. What a heart of gold
Mamm
had. Such love for
Daett
that went beyond mere feelings.
Mamm
knew what
Daett
had done in his youth. How could she do this?

Could
she
, Susan Hostetler, ever so love a man? Had she not failed completely with Thomas? Perhaps if she had been more understanding of his faults she wouldn't have left for the
Englisha
world or driven him away. Feeling the tears sting again, she wiped them away as Bishop Henry came to the end of his prayer.

“Come,” Susan said, pushing the dark thoughts away and taking Teresa by the arm. “You're going to sit down and eat with me because I haven't eaten either.”

Teresa followed and they sat at a table Susan chose for them. They waited as the young girls cleaned it off.

“I need coffee,” Teresa muttered, “to brace my soul.”

“I think I do too,” Susan agreed. “It takes coffee on a day like this.”

They looked at each other and then quickly looked away. They both turned to look at
Mamm
as she walked past them toward the kitchen. Alone. The women she passed nodded to her, but no one spoke.

“I hate this,” Teresa whispered. “I want to scream.”

“It will pass like all our troubles eventually do,” Susan whispered back. “That's what we tell each other, and it usually works.”

“How did I ever get accepted into the community with baby Samuel, when your
mamm
and
daett
get treated like this for doing the same thing I did?”

“They look at things differently once you're a church member.”

Bishop Henry's voice interrupted them, announcing prayer again, and they bowed their heads. Susan watched Teresa out of the corner of her eye. She seemed to be collecting herself well. When the prayer was over, Teresa spread butter on a piece of bread and then added the peanut butter with slow motions of her hand.

None of the girls on either side offered conversation. By the looks of things, they were wrapped up in their own talk. They meant no disrespect, Susan figured, but were giving Teresa and her space. And for that she was thankful. When they had finished eating, Susan whispered, “I have to go.
Daett
's been waiting for me to finish, I think.”

“I'll see you tonight then,” Teresa said, forcing a smile.

Sure enough, when she got to her feet,
Daett
made his way outside. He picked up his hat by the front door and pulled it low over his eyes.
Mamm
was already in the mudroom looking for her bonnet when Susan arrived.

“Let me help you,
Mamm
,” Susan said.

Mamm
nodded, swallowing hard.

Susan searched for both of their shawls. When she found them, she helped
Mamm
slip hers around her shoulders.
Mamm
was no child and knew how to pull on her own shawl, but right now she looked frail and weak. Susan took her arm and helped her through the washroom door and down the steps.
Daett
hadn't driven up yet. He was still out by the buggy getting the horse under the shafts. Should she wait here or walk out to the barnyard? Susan looked to
Mamm
, but she wasn't much help. She wasn't saying anything or looking at anyone. They would walk over, Susan decided.

A few of the little girls waved and smiled as they went past. That would all change by next week. Right now they didn't know what sitting at a small table by yourself meant. Someone would soon tell them and whisper of the pain felt by a soul cast out to wander in the darkness for sins they had committed. Now they only saw what they had always seen. Susan and her
mamm
going past. People they had always looked up to.

Susan helped
Mamm
climb into the front seat before she pushed in the tug on her side.
Daett
wasn't looking at her, and his hat was still pulled low over his eyes. He wouldn't cry, she supposed. He would save his tears for the haymow or his times alone with
Mamm
.

“I'm sorry,
Daett
,” Susan said across the shafts and Toby's back.

He nodded and threw the lines into the buggy, still not looking at her. She climbed into the back of the buggy while he pulled himself up the front step. They drove past the walk by the washroom door. They were the first buggy to leave. This was as it should be. Such pain could only be borne to a certain point.

The little girls waved again, shouting out “Bye!” The sound was faint above the clatter of the buggy wheels.

“I'm sorry you had to see this day,”
Daett
said, giving a brief glance over his shoulder toward Susan. “I can never say how sorry I am for putting you and the rest of the girls through this. If you want to leave home tonight for the
Englisha
world, Susan, I would understand.”

Mamm
gasped in the front seat. “Don't speak such awful things, Menno. This day is bad enough without losing Susan yet.”

“I'm not going anywhere,” Susan responded.

Daett
didn't seem to hear her, but
Mamm
gave a sigh of relief.

“Anna,”
Daett
started slowly, “I can never say how very sorry I am for what I've done, and now you're bearing the burden with me. I wish you wouldn't have chosen this path. It wasn't necessary. I could have walked this road alone.”

Mamm
said nothing, but she leaned against
Daett
's shoulder as they drove toward home.

Susan waited a while before speaking. “Teresa and James are coming over tonight. And I'm sure some of the other girls are also coming. Did you know this,
Mamm
?”

Mamm
nodded before choking out, “I can't feed them in this condition. And they can't eat with me—or eat any food I make.”

“I'm sure they'll bring food along,” Susan assured her. “They'll know that.”

“I don't think I can bear the thought of my own daughters forbidden to eat with me in my own house,”
Mamm
said through fresh tears.

Daett
slipped his arm around
Mamm
's shoulder, the lines limp in his other hand. Toby slowed, looking over his shoulder as if he couldn't figure out what was going on.

Daett
did nothing, as they plodded down the road. They were still the only buggy in sight. Susan wanted to get out, run across the fields, hide in the woods—do anything but stay here and watch this pain tearing her
mamm
and
daett
's hearts apart. But she was frozen in place. And where was there to run, anyway? The
Englisha
world wouldn't understand or heal this. She didn't even understand.

Not until they were near the house did some peace come.
Yah
, just as she told Teresa, this trouble too would pass. All trials in life passed. Such was the faith of her people.
Her people. Yah
, she was one of them and, though it was painful now, these were her people and these were their ways. How strange that it had taken the pain on this day to finally feel the depth of her devotion. But it had.

Daett
pulled into the driveway. When he stopped out by the barn, Susan climbed out and helped
Mamm
step down.

“You shouldn't stay around the place while we're in this condition.”
Mamm
's voice broke.

“I'm going nowhere,
Mamm
,” Susan said. “This is my home.”

Mamm
sobbed, clinging to her arm as Susan helped her into the house and then to her rocker in the living room.

T
hat evening the house was full, even the folding chairs were set up along the living room walls.
Mamm
and
Daett
were ensconced in their rocking chairs. Betsy and Miriam were making sure that popcorn bowls and apple cider glasses were kept full. Ada and Esther were in the kitchen slicing ham and cheese for finger food. Already plates were laid out on the table from where the food would be served. Apples and oranges lay beside the plates. Slices of pie sat ready.

The smaller children were racing through the house. None of the adults made any attempt to slow them down or keep them outdoors. A game of prisoner's base was being organized in the yard by some of the school-aged boys. They would play as long as there was light enough to see, switching to another game once darkness fell.

Clearly Susan's sisters were making the best of the bad situation. They would stay around until late this evening, giving
Mamm
and
Daett
as few moments alone as possible on this their first night of being in the
bann
.

All the food being offered had come with the buggies, including the popcorn
Mamm
and
Daett
were eating. Ada had brought cider from her basement. If one smiled, it was possible to forget for a moment what had happened today. One could almost become lost in the sweet tangy taste of Ada's cider and the crunch of the fluffy popcorn. At the moment, no effort was too great to cheer everyone's spirits.

“Come, come!” Betsy was saying. “It's time to eat.”

Silence settled on the house, falling into place like a quilt tossed on the bed with its corners askew. What was to be done about prayer? The question raced through Susan's mind.
Daett
always prayed, but he couldn't tonight.

“Let's pray,” Betsy's husband announced, interrupting her thoughts. John led out, not waiting to see what anyone thought of his offer. “Now unto the great
Hah
of heaven and earth, we give You thanks for this food prepared before us. Bless it, O Father, and the hands that brought it to us. Forgive us our sins as we forgive others their trespasses. Make this an evening in which we can experience Your forgiveness and grace. Amen.”

Daett
had kept his head bowed the whole time, keeping it down a moment longer once John was done praying. There was a sad-but-resigned smile on his face. He seemed to be at peace.
Daett
was accepting their efforts, clumsy as they were. He must know they were trying and wished them well.

“Okay, the food is ready,” Betsy announced.

The children looked perplexed about being shooed through first instead of their grandparents. But finally they shrugged and stopped asking questions. They helped themselves, piling the food high on their plates.

Susan glanced at Miriam. There was no reason to explain things to the children. It wouldn't make sense to such young minds as to why
Mamm
and
Daett
couldn't go through the food line. In time, the ones who needed to know would be told. Tonight was about making
Mamm
and
Daett
comfortable. Miriam or one of the other sisters would soon slip them a plate of food, and none of the children would be the wiser.

As the adults began to file into the kitchen, Susan happened to glance through the living room window just as Steve walked past. What was he doing here? It made no sense even if Ada's family was here. Steve wasn't family. But it was
gut
to see him, she acknowledged. And he needed to be welcomed now that he was here. Susan ran to the front door and opened it before Steve could knock.