Where Secrets Lie (16 page)

~

The first time Katie and Emily slept together, their joining generated a fervency that inflamed every molecule of Katie’s being and transported her to a depth of emotion she had not known existed. When she awoke the next morning, she found herself enveloped not only in Emily’s embrace, but also in a transcendent peacefulness. This was who she was. This was where she belonged.

In Denver, Katie and Emily lived openly as a couple, which Katie found exhilarating. However, she could not bring herself to live the same way in Boulder, so her life became duplicitous, and she became adept at transitioning between her two personas.

Lee and Jack’s anniversary cake was a replica of their wedding cake. It was a three tier, stacked, white almond cake with almond buttercream icing decorated in a simple lace design. It had a stream of cream-colored roses cascading down the sides and a cap of cream roses as a topper.

Together Lee and Jack cut a single tier of the cake while Sara and Katie served it to the guests. Once they made it through the main tier, they let the caterer take over, and they took their own pieces of cake back to their table. Sara also brought one for David, which she placed in front of him.

“
Thanks,” David said without looking at her.

“
Sure,” Sara said.

They started to eat without any further exchange. Katie looked over and noticed Lee watching them.

“
This cake is great, Mom,” Katie said. She tried to kick Sara under the table, but David had his leg extended, so she nicked his instead, which startled him.

“
What!?” David asked.

Katie tilted her head and smiled. “The cake’s good, right?”

“
Uh huh,” he said, still frowning at her.

“
Sara, don’t you think it’s good?” This time Katie’s toe connected with Sara’s shin, and the signal got through loud and clear.

“
Oh yeah,” Sara said, her tone instantly brightened. “I really like it, Mom.”

“
I’m glad you’re all enjoying it,” Lee said, but her focus remained on Sara who was not even making an attempt to engage David in conversation. Later, in private, Lee would be sure to convey to Sara the importance of intervening with David’s melancholy. Under no circumstances could Sara let his mood ride. Doing so could lead to dire consequences, which Lee knew only too well. She simply couldn’t let Sara echo her own mistake.

~

“
Ok girls, pancakes or waffles?” Lee asked when Sara and Katie joined her at the kitchen table.

It was the beginning of August, and Lee was working on a back to school shopping list. In a couple of weeks, Sara would be in the fourth grade, and Katie would start preschool.

“
Pancakes,” Sara said at the same time Katie said, “Waffles.”

Paul walked into the kitchen and went straight to the coffee maker. He poured himself a cup of coffee, brought it over to the table, and sat at the other end, away from Lee and the girls.

“
Daddy breaks the tie,” Lee said.

Paul took a sip of his coffee, his attention focused on his cup, which he clenched in both hands.

“
Paul,” Lee said.

Paul looked up, startled. “Yeah?”

“
Pancakes or waffles? The girls are split.”

Although Paul was prone to moodiness, in the last week his sullenness reached a disturbing new depth. It concerned Lee, but she learned early on in their marriage the most effective course of action was to leave Paul alone, and let the mood pass on its own.

Paul turned to his daughters and forced himself to smile.

“
Let’s see,” he said. “How about Pan-ffles?”

The girls giggled.

“
Waff-cakes?”

“
Daddy,” Sara said, “pick a real one.” Even though that was the last thing she wanted him to do.

This was a recurrent game for them. Paul made up sillier and sillier words, which incited waves of delighted laughter. However, this time Paul lacked the desire to play it out, so he skipped to the end.

“
I can’t decide, I guess you’ll have to flip for it.”

He pulled some change out of his pocket and sorted through it until he found a quarter.

“
Whose turn is it to be heads?” Paul asked Lee. Since both girls always wanted to be heads, they alternated.

“
Sara’s,” Lee said.

Paul flipped the quarter. “It’s tails.”

Katie clapped and Sara moaned.

“
Ok, Katie, your choice,” Paul said. “Do you want the quarter, or do you want to pick breakfast?”

Katie looked at the quarter in Paul’s hand and then looked at Lee, unable to decide.

“
C’mon,” Sara said. “Pick one.”

Katie wrinkled her forehead and pursed her lips.

“
There’s not a right answer,” Sara said. “It doesn’t matter which you pick.”

“
Does too,” Katie said and crossed her arms over her chest.

“
Take your time, honey,” Lee said.

“
But I’m hungry,” Sara said.

“
Shhh,” Lee said. “Let your sister decide.”

Katie broke into a smile and raised her arms in the air. “Waffles!”

“
And Sara gets the quarter,” Paul said and held it out for Sara to take.

Sara took the quarter from his hand and smiled. Lee got up from the table and started to prepare the waffles.

“
When are you going in?” Lee asked Paul.

He usually left for work by now, but last night at dinner, he mumbled something about having a meeting with his father in their Boulder office this morning.

“
In an hour or so.”

“
We’ll probably leave before you then. I have lots of errands to run. I want to get a head start on school shopping for the girls.”

Paul nodded without even looking in her direction and took another sip of his coffee.

Lee sighed and turned her attention to their breakfast. Paul’s aloofness created a void of adult interaction in her life that often left her feeling isolated, which was exacerbated these days because she was being careful not to spend too much time with Jack. She didn’t want to give him any mixed signals. If only he’d never kissed her.

~

When Jack leaned down to kiss her, Lee tilted her face toward his and raised her hand to his neck before the reality of what she was doing penetrated her consciousness.

“
Oh my God,” she said and pulled away.

Jack’s hands dropped off her shoulders.

Lee backed away from him and moved around the end of the kitchen’s island in order to insert it between them. Her initial reaction to Jack’s kiss dazed her. She started to respond, actually wanted to kiss him. In that moment, she wanted considerably more than a kiss. Where had that come from? Had she been subconsciously attracted to him all along? There was no denying her attraction now. She felt magnetized to him.

“
I’m sorry,” Jack said.

“
We can’t do this.”

“
I know.”

“
I’m married.”

“
Yes.”

“
I love my husband.”

“
I know you do.”

“
You’re Paul’s best friend.” Good God, had she actually fallen for her husband’s best friend?

“
It won’t happen again,” Jack said.

“
It can’t.”

“
It won’t, I swear it won’t.”

Lee’s head swam with the implications of what she was feeling. She never envisioned anything like this ever happening, yet here she was, straining to resist the compulsion to move closer to him. Her hands clenched the edge of the island. Distance was the only viable remedy.

“
You have to leave,” Lee said.

“
Can’t we talk about this?”

“
There’s not enough time, Paul could be home any minute. We can’t let him walk into the middle of this.”

“
But he’s expecting me for dinner.”

“
I’ll make up an excuse. I’ll tell him you’re not feeling well.”

“
Can’t we just pretend this never happened?”

Lee gaped at him. Was he serious?

“
I’m sorry, Jack, but you have to leave, please.”

Jack paused on his way to the door.

“
We’ll talk later?” he asked. “You’ll call?”

“
Yes,” Lee said. They would have to talk eventually.

Jack left and closed the door behind him.

~

After a week, Lee still had not called Jack. She was waiting for the intensity of her feelings to diminish, so she could think about them rationally and decide what to do next. Instead, they took on new dimensions.

Everything she’d ever talked about or done with Jack became suspect. She relived every moment they’d spent together and tried to dissect her feelings. At what point should she have realized her feelings for him had transcended friendship? Lee’s musings served only to heighten her emotions. As the week progressed, she felt Jack’s absence keenly, and she was not the only one.

“
Where’s Jack been?” Paul asked while they were eating dinner with the girls.

“
I haven’t heard from him,” Lee said and busied herself cutting up Katie’s food.

“
You haven’t invited him for dinner?”

She was the one who usually extended the invitations.

“
No, I was waiting to hear that he was feeling better.” It was a plausible excuse.

“
You think he’s still sick?”

“
I guess so.”

“
I thought he just had an upset stomach.”

“
It must’ve turned into something worse.”

“
Maybe we should check on him.”

“
Good idea,” Lee said because it was the answer Paul expected, but she had no intention of calling Jack yet.

The next night, while they waited for their dinner to finish up in the oven, Paul mixed drinks for them.

“
I talked to Jack today,” he said.

Lee’s pulse quickened. “Did you?”

“
Yeah, I wanted to make sure he was ok.”

Lee tried to sound nonchalant. “So how is he?”

“
He says he’s fine, but he sounds awful, like he’s run down and doesn’t have any energy.”

Paul handed Lee a drink.

“
I guess whatever he had wore him out,” Lee said. She was pretty worn out herself.

“
Yeah, I guess so, Anyway, I told him he needs to get out, eat something decent.”

Lee tensed. “You invited him for dinner?”

“
I couldn’t talk him into tonight, but he finally agreed to come on Friday.”

Lee felt nauseous. Friday was only three days away.

~

On Friday, Jack tapped on the kitchen door.

“
Come on in,” Lee said.

“
I didn’t know if I should come early or not.”

“
I think it’s good you did,” she said. “We need to talk.”

“
Should I open this?” Jack held up a bottle of wine.

“
Sure.”

Lee got out two wine glasses while Jack opened the bottle. After he poured the wine, they took it outside and sat at the patio table. Sara and Katie were in the yard with their friends, oblivious of the adults. Lee and Jack turned their chairs to face the yard, and they both fixed their attention on the children. Lee began what she’d rehearsed.

“
I hope we can find a way to be comfortable around each other again.”

“
I do too,” Jack said.

“
I don’t want to lose our friendship.”

“
I don’t either.”

“
But we can’t just pretend nothing happened.”

“
Then what do we do?” he asked.

“
I think we need to clear the air, so we can move past it.”

“
Ok,” he said.

Lee took a slow swig of wine. Now for the hard part.

Even though, over the years, Lee and Paul drifted apart, when she looked at him she still saw the young man she fell in love with, shared her dreams with, made her plans for the future with. Lee saw the young man who was gradually engulfed by the demands of providing for their family. It was that young man to whom she owed her loyalty. It was that young man whom she could never leave. Someday Paul would find his way out from under his burdens and reach out for her, and Lee would be there for him when he did.

The best solution for everyone involved was for Lee to put her feelings for Jack in check and behave as though all she’d ever felt for him was friendship. That way, no one would be hurt, and they’d all remain friends. She needed to be careful not give Jack any indication her feelings for him actually ran much deeper than she was about to suggest, or none of this would work.

“
I want us to stay friends,” Lee said.

“
I want that too.”

“
I love my family, Jack. I don’t want to do anything that might harm them.”