Where Secrets Lie (18 page)

“
I bet you wish they’d stop saying that.”

“
To put it mildly.”

Lee’s head was swirling with all the possibilities and their ramifications. It was literally too much information for her to absorb. She understood what it meant, but somehow it didn’t feel real. Paul’s injuries were right in front of her, but the refrain in the back of her mind eclipsed them. How could this be happening? How could it?

“
The problem is,” Jack said, “no matter how much you think about it or worry about it, you won’t be able to change it.”

“
I suppose not.”

“
And when he wakes up, if there’s damage,” Jack emphasized the ‘if’, “there will be ways to deal with it.”

“
That’s true.”

“
There’s no sense wasting energy on things that may never happen. It’s too exhausting.”

“
You’re right about that.”

“
You need to save your energy for what does happen. Whatever it is, you can deal with it then. And don’t forget, you’ll have people who can help you. You won’t have to do it alone.”

“
I won’t forget.” Thank God Jack was here to help her regain her bearings somewhat.

“
That reminds me,” Jack said. “Did you call your mother last night?”

“
Yes, she’s on her way.”

Lee’s mother, Ruth, lived in Pennsylvania. Despite the distance, Ruth managed to visit on a regular basis.

“
What time will she arrive?”

“
Three. Since I’m here, she’s going to grab a shuttle into Boulder.”

“
She doesn’t need to do that. I can pick her up at the airport.”

“
That’s a long drive, Jack.”

“
Not so long, I don’t mind, really.”

“
What about work?”

Jack was an electrical engineer who ran his own consulting company in Boulder.

“
One of the perks of being the boss, I can do whatever I want. Besides, we’re not that busy right now.”

“
If you’re sure it’s not a bother.”

“
I’m sure.”

“
I know she’ll be glad to see you.”

Over the years, Jack saw Ruth on numerous occasions, and he was always so attentive toward her that Ruth considered him quite charming.

“
I’m glad she’s coming,” Jack said. Lee needed all the support she could get.

“
I’m glad too, and so are the girls.”

“
How are the girls taking all of this?”

“
Ok, but I didn’t tell them much. I’m not looking forward to explaining his coma.”

“
I bet.”

“
It’s so hard to know the right thing to do. Sara asked me if they could come to the hospital, but I don’t think it’d be good for them to see him like this.”

“
That makes sense.”

“
Does it?” Lee’s mind was so muddled by what was happening that she wasn’t sure about anything anymore.

“
Yeah, it does, and there’s no reason you can’t change your mind later if you want to.”

“
I suppose.” Lee was accustomed to making decisions and sticking to them, but there really was nothing to prevent her from changing her mind if she needed to.

“
It’s got to be hard deciding things under these circumstances. Give yourself some leeway.”

“
I’ll try. Oh, I almost forgot. If anyone asks, you’re Paul’s cousin.”

“
Pardon me?”

“
Only family is allowed in the ICU, so when the nurse asked me for a list of people who might visit, I put you down as Paul’s cousin, so they’d let you in.”

“
I wondered about that this morning. They just asked for my name. They didn’t mention anything about being a relative.”

“
Because you were already on the list.”

“
Good to know.”

They lapsed into silence. Jack stood up.

“
I’m going to go grab some coffee and a danish,” he said. “What can I bring you?”

“
Just coffee is fine.” Coffee and company.

“
With cream?”

“
Yes, thanks, Jack.”

~

Although Paul’s condition didn’t improve, it didn’t worsen either. For the remainder of the week, Lee and Jack spent their days sitting in the ICU while Ruth stayed at home and took care of Sara and Katie. Paul’s mother dropped by for a few hours each day, but they had yet to see his father.

Lee spent most of her time flipping through magazines oblivious to their content, and Jack solved endless Sudoku puzzles. Whatever they happened to need, Jack would go out and bring it back, so Lee never left the room.

“
What do you say to a change of scenery?” Jack asked.

“
You want to switch chairs so we can each face a different wall?” Lee smiled slightly.

Her complexion was wan except for the dark circles under her eyes, and she became more and more pensive every day, which had Jack worried about her state of mind. It might do her some good to spend a little time somewhere other than Paul’s room.

“
I was thinking about eating our lunch in the cafeteria, but if you don’t want to leave Paul for that long, I can just bring it back like I usually do.”

Lee glanced around the windowless room. Her arrivals and departures each day coincided with the sun’s rise and fall, so her daylight hours were spent inside the hospital. And since there had been no variation in Paul’s condition thus far, it was unlikely anything would change while they ate.

“
It would be nice to spend a little time with sunshine,” she said.

“
We could head down early to miss the lunch rush,” Jack said. “Then we could probably sit by a window.”

“
I’m sold, let’s do it.”

~

They timed their arrival at the cafeteria for the beginning of the lunch service, so they were the first people there. Once inside, they went to separate food stations. Lee ordered a cheeseburger and fries, and Jack chose pizza. They rejoined at the cash register and took their food over to a table by the windows. It was a clear, bright summer day with a vibrant blue sky resultant of Colorado’s high altitude. They started eating in silence, both of them gazing out the window.

“
Do you think he knows we’re there?” Lee asked.

“
You mean Paul? That we’re in his room with him?”

“
Yes.”

“
Probably, don’t you think he knows?”

“
I hope he does, I wouldn’t want him to feel like he was alone.”

“
I doubt he feels alone.” Hopefully, Lee didn’t feel alone either.

“
You know, there’s something that I just can’t get out of my head,” Lee said.

“
What’s that?”

“
Why wasn’t Paul wearing his seatbelt?”

Despite all the worry and dread, that particular question kept resurfacing, needling her for an answer.

“
I don’t know,” Jack said.

“
I’ve been trying to figure it out. It doesn’t make any sense to me at all. Paul’s methodical. He always wears his seatbelt. He’s always careful.”

“
That sounds like Paul all right.”

“
I’ve never known him not to wear a seatbelt. Have you?”

“
No, I can’t say that I have.”

“
I just don’t get it,” Lee said. “It isn’t like Paul to do something so careless.”

“
People get distracted.”

“
That’s what the police told me, that Paul must have been distracted.”

“
It happens.”

“
But by what exactly? What could’ve distracted him so much that he made mistakes he never makes?”

“
I don’t know, I think only Paul can answer that one. You can ask him when he wakes up.”

“
Sure, if he remembers.”

One of Paul’s nurses informed them it wasn’t unusual for patients in Paul’s condition to wake up and not remember anything about their accidents or what lead up to them.

“
And if he doesn’t remember, you’ll never know. Is that it?” Jack asked.

“
Exactly, and I have to know.”

“
Why?”

“
Because I think it may be my fault.” Lee felt the distinctive pang of guilt.

“
What? How could it be your fault?”

“
I shouldn’t have let it go.”

“
Let what go?”

“
His moodiness. Whenever he was like that, he always wanted me to just leave him alone, but I shouldn’t have listened to him this time.”

“
Did you usually leave him alone?”

“
Always.”

“
And what would happen?”

“
Eventually the mood would pass, and he’d feel better.”

“
Then how were you supposed to know it wouldn’t work out the same way this time?”

“
I knew it was worse this time, that he was worse, and I just let it go. It was a huge mistake.”

“
You may have thought he was worse, but you had no idea where it would lead. You couldn’t have known it would end up like this. It was reasonable for you to think it would work itself out the way it always had before.”

“
It was risky for me to think that.” When Lee left Paul to his own devices, she left the door open for this to happen.

“
Did you know it was a risk at the time?” Jack asked.

“
I do now.” And she would live with the regret for the rest of her life.

“
But did you know it before now, before you were sitting in a hospital?”

“
No, I didn’t.”

“
Then how can you blame yourself?”

“
Because I could’ve prevented this. If I had talked to him, I could’ve helped him, I’m sure of it.”

“
All you did was let Paul deal with his stuff, his way. You can’t fault yourself for that.”

“
But he wasn’t able to deal with it, was he? He was overwhelmed and distracted, and now he’s in a coma.”

“
I think you’re being too hard on yourself. You aren’t responsible for this.”

“
I don’t know about that.” Lee turned to stare out the window. “I just wish I’d talked to him.”

Jack sighed. They sat quietly and gazed out the window a little while longer before they returned to Paul’s room.

~

A few days later, Lee arrived early in the morning and took her usual seat by Paul’s bedside. She was sipping a cup of coffee when his monitors began beeping alarms. Lee stood up, panicked and unsure about what she should do. Several nurses rushed into the room. One of them took Lee by the elbow and led her down the hall to the ICU waiting room.

“
What’s happening?” Lee asked. “What’s wrong?”

“
You need to stay out of the way so we can help him.” The nurse rushed back to Paul’s room.

Lee paced in the empty waiting room and kept her eyes fixed on the door. What was taking so long? Why wasn’t someone coming to tell her what happened? How many minutes had passed? Ten? Fifteen? She wasn’t sure.

Instead of a nurse, Jack appeared in the doorway. His face was pale, his eyes watery. Paul’s day nurse walked around Jack and into the waiting room followed by a doctor Lee had met the week before.

The nurse touched Lee on the arm. “I’m so sorry.”

“
No,” Lee said. Her legs weakened, and her body began to tremble. She saw the doctor’s lips moving, but she only heard sporadic words.

“
Stroke… too much damage… weakened state.”

As Lee’s legs gave way, and her body crumbled, Jack’s hands grasped her shoulders and guided her into a chair. Her vision blurred with tears as she watched the doctor and nurse turn away from her and leave the room.

“
No, no, no…”

~

An afternoon summer storm, typical in August, rolled in the day Jack drove Lee to the mortuary to make arrangements for Paul’s funeral. Paul’s parents made only two requests. They wanted the service held in their church, and they wanted Paul to be buried in their family plot. Lee had no objections to either. She and Paul had no church affiliations nor had they ever discussed burial preferences. His parents left the rest of the arrangements to Lee’s discretion.

“
Thanks for doing this, Jack.”

“
It’s the least I could do.”

“
I really couldn’t stand the thought of going alone. When I told Paul’s father I had an appointment he said ‘I’m sure you’ll do a fine job’ and that was the end of the conversation.”

“
It might be easier this way. You won’t have to try to please several people. I’ve heard terrible stories about families that can’t agree.”

“
Oh God, I wouldn’t be up for that right now.”

Jack turned into the mortuary’s expansive parking lot and pulled into a space as close to the door as possible.

“
Wait for me to come around with the umbrella,” he said as he turned off the ignition and reached into the back seat for his umbrella. It was large enough to keep them both dry on the short walk to the mortuary’s entrance.

The foyer was small but well lit and decorated in bright, cheerful hues. There was a single receptionist, Ms. Dwyer, an older, overweight woman with a somber demeanor. She escorted them to a private room, which looked like a living room. There were two couches facing each other across a coffee table, and several end tables and chairs placed throughout.