Where You Least Expect It (18 page)

“Yeah.” Matt looked over at him. “I’m just — I don’t know. It’s just weird and freaking me out a bit.”

“I know, honey. But the longer you wait, the weirder it’s going to get. I mean, eventually he’s going to try to set you up again.”

Matt grimaced. “Yeah. That’ll be awkward.” Matt reached out for Christian’s hand. “Thanks.”

Christian kissed his knuckles. “No problem. So what are you feeding me?”

“How do you feel about pork chops? I though we’d try something besides chicken or spaghetti.”

“Works for me.”

Dinner was easier to cook than Matt had hoped. He was starting to enjoy cooking, particularly since it meant Christian ate more than ramen and baloney sandwiches. Once everything was cooking, Matt joined Christian in the living room.

Christian looked up from his book. “How’s it coming?”

“Good. We have about twenty minutes to kill.”

Christian grinned. “Yeah? That gives me time to read a couple of pages then.”

Matt leaned in and kissed Christian’s neck. “Or we can fool around. Since I have to take you home tonight, and all.”

Christian hummed happily and closed his book. “I can read later.”

Matt grabbed Christian around the waist and dove in for a passionate kiss. It still amazed him how worked up Christian got him. Just being in the same room was enough to make him hard some days.

Christian responded eagerly, pressing close to Matt and taking equal control of the kiss.

He moved to straddle Matt’s lap and Matt took advantage of the change in position to grab Christian’s ass. Christian found one of Matt’s nipples and squeezed, causing Matt to moan and thrust his hips up.

“So fucking sensitive,” Christian murmured.

“Want you.” Matt figured they had just enough time.

Christian tugged his shirt off and Matt leaned forward to tease Christian’s nipple while working Christian’s pants open. Christian arched and gripped Matt’s head in place against Christian’s chest. Matt opened Christian’s zipper, seeking skin.

Matt didn’t hear the key in the door, but he did hear Sam’s sudden exclamation of “Holy crap,” followed immediately by the sound of the door slamming.

“Shit.” Matt turned his head, but Sam was gone. Christian scrambled off his lap and Matt hurried to the door, just having a second to take in the mortified look on Christian’s face. “I’ll be right back,” he said.

Sam was standing in front of the elevator when Matt walked into the hall. Matt called out to stop him from leaving. Sam turned around, hands on his hips and eyes wide and shocked; he looked almost as freaked out as Christian had been.

“Wait,” Matt said. Matt felt like there was a rock in his stomach.

“Dude,” was all Sam managed. He shook his head, opened his mouth, closed it again. “Dude.”

Matt ran a hand through his hair as he stopped in front of Sam. “Shit. I. You weren’t supposed to find out like that.”

“I bet.” Sam restated the obvious, voice a little more high pitched than normal.

“Look, I was going to tell you.” Fuck, this was going badly.

Sam put up his hands, palms out. “You don’t owe me an explanation.”

“Bullshit,” Matt responded. “I owe you something, at least. Do you want to come back inside? I’d rather not do this in the hall.”

“You looked kind of busy, man.”

Matt didn’t know what to say to that. If Sam had walked in on him with a woman, they certainly wouldn’t be having this conversation. And he certainly didn’t want to tell Sam that he’d killed the mood and Matt would just spend the rest of the night stressing about what Sam had seen. “Look, just come inside for a minute.”

Sam relented and followed Matt back to the apartment. Christian was no longer in the living room, but Matt knew he couldn’t have gone far. He didn’t want Christian to worry, but he didn’t want Sam to skip out on him.

“Just. Wait here a minute, okay.” Sam nodded and Matt went to check the den for Christian; the door was closed and Matt assumed Christian was hiding behind it.

“Hey,” he said from the doorway. “You okay?”

Christian looked up from his textbook. “Yeah, I guess. Completely freaked, actually. You?”

“I’ll let you know after I talk to Sam.”

Christian bit his lip. “Okay.”

“What?”

“Nothing. I’m sorry.”

“So not your fault,” Matt managed a grin. “I’ll be right back.”

Sam was in the kitchen drinking a beer. Matt picked up the one Sam put out for him and leaned against the counter.

“I. Fuck.” He took a swig of beer and shook his head. “Look, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do here.”

“You don’t know what you’re supposed to do? I just walked in on you with your hands down a guy’s pants. Is this a new thing or have you been keeping this from me for the last ten years?”

Okay, Sam was angry. That at least gave Matt a place to start from, however unprepared he was. “It’s a new thing, and I’m not sure how I’m supposed to explain it or what you want to know. But it’s only been going on for a couple of months and I wasn’t ready to tell you. Hell, at first I didn’t think there was anything worth telling.”

“So, what? You’re bi? Gay? You better not just be using him to get off, ‘cause he’s a good guy and doesn’t deserve that.”

“Fuck, Sam, no I’m not using him. I’ve barely had enough time to wrap my head around it. You know my relationships with women have always sucked.” Matt shook his head, still confused. “I’m not running out to define it just yet.”

Sam narrowed his eyes and looked at Matt closely. “Are you telling me you’re actually dating Christian?”

Matt frowned. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You used the ‘R’ word, man.” Matt thought he saw the hint of a grin and rolled his eyes.

“Yes, fine. We’re dating.” Matt’s annoyance softened as he said it. Weird. “I need to know if you’re going to be freaked out about this.”

“That you’re gay? No. But I’m pissed that you think I would be and that you didn’t trust me enough to talk to me about it. Hell, if I’d known, I wouldn’t have wasted time trying to find chicks for you, I would’ve found dudes to hook you up with.”

Matt didn’t even want to think about Sam fixing Matt up with guys. “It’s not that I didn’t trust you or thought you’d judge me.” He tried to explain what he’d been thinking. “I was, I don’t know, judging myself, I guess. And freaked out that I could be so far out of touch that it took me until now to figure out why I didn’t want relationships with women.”

The timer on the stove beeped and Matt turned to take the chops out of the oven.

“You’re cooking?” Sam sounded incredulous.

Matt placed the pan on the stove and turned off the potatoes. “I’ve cooked before.”

“No, you made frozen pizza. That’s…” Sam went closer to the stove. “That’s pork chops! Jesus, did you make a vegetable, too?”

Matt crossed his arms. “No, I did not make a vegetable. I made meat and potatoes. If you stop being an ass, I’ll even offer you some.”

“For free food? I’ll totally behave myself.”

“Good. Set the table.” Matt clapped Sam on the shoulder as he walked out of the kitchen.

Christian was on his cell phone when Matt opened the door. “Got to go.” Christian clicked the phone off. “Hey. Everything okay?”

Matt walked the rest of the way in and shut the door partway. “Think so. I offered Sam dinner.”

“Okay.” Christian bit his lip again but didn’t move.

“You’re invited, too.”

Christian stood up and moved quickly to hug Matt, as if he was afraid Matt might get away. “I’m sorry.”

“What? Why?” Matt hugged him back. He’d never been so confused, so often since puberty had hit.

Christian took a deep breath but didn’t look up. “Because I started all this and I don’t want to ruin anything for you.”

Matt tilted Christian’s head up and kissed him. “Shut up. You didn’t ruin anything.” Matt kissed him again before pulling away. “Let’s go eat.”

Matt took Christian’s hand and led him into the living room, simultaneously emphasizing their relationship for Sam’s benefit and not allowing Christian the opportunity to hide in the den from a misplaced sense of guilt.

Sam was standing awkwardly in the kitchen, table already set.

“Hey, Sam.” Christian sounded embarrassed.

Sam looked a little like a deer in headlights. “Hey, Christian.”

Matt’s own feeling of awkwardness was pushed aside by a vague sense of amusement at Christian and Sam; the usual exuberance each man typically displayed was gone as they both muttered their greetings and seemed to want to look anywhere but each other.

Matt took action before things could degenerate. He let go of Christian’s hand and moved to the stove, taking one last look at everything before putting Christian and Sam to work moving the food to the table. He knew it would take a bit for Sam to adjust to his new perspective on Matt and Matt’s relationship with Christian, but standing around dithering and avoiding eye contact was not the way to make that happen.

“So, Sam,” Matt said once they were all settled at the table. “You have plans later?”

“Not really. Uh. I was going to head over to Riley’s. A couple of guys from work are playing pool.” He shrugged, still obviously feeling awkward. “I stopped by to see if you wanted to come along. Well, you and Christian,” he was quick to correct.

“I’m not staying. I mean, I have to do laundry. And study,” Christian answered before looking back at his plate, blushing.

“I’m driving Christian home after dinner, but I’m up for pool.”

Sam turned to Christian. “You sure you can’t hang out? You’re a way better pool player than this guy.” Sam pointed at Matt with his knife.

“I play for fun,” Matt said, only slightly defensively. If Sam was impugning his pool playing abilities, things were on the right track.

Christian laughed. “I could come down for a game. But I can’t hang out late. I’m really, really running out of clothes.”

Sam made a dismissive sound. “Just throw stuff in the dryer with a sheet of fabric softener. Good as new.”

Christian looked like he was considering it. “Does that actually work?”

Matt started to relax. It might take some work to find common ground, and for Sam to get used to Matt being in a relationship with a man, but Matt was confident they could figure out what their new normal was.

***

“You’re awfully quiet.” Matt nudged Christian. It was a few days after their unexpected outing to Sam and Matt suspected Christian was still freaked out.

“Oh. Am I?” Christian sounded distracted.

Matt smiled, moving closer. “What’s on your mind?”

“I was, well, I was thinking about the nightmares you have. I know that Post Traumatic Stress Disorder —”

Matt made a frustrated sound and moved away. “Have you been reading about PTSD on the Internet?”

“Not just the Internet!” Christian said indignantly. “I did some library research, too.”

“Christian. Don’t.”

“Don’t what? Give a shit about you having nightmares?”

“Make assumptions that because I saw combat that I have PTSD. You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“I know nightmares are a main symptom.”

Matt realized he should have talked about this sooner. “One symptom, Christian. You do realize that there are others, right?”

“Of course I do. Nightmares, flashbacks, anxiety, depression.” Christian ticked each word off on his fingers.

Matt moved across the couch and crossed his arms defensively. “Don’t you think you’re over-simplifying?”

“What if it is PTSD? It can get really bad and —”

Matt cut him off. “They’re just dreams.”

“Right, just dreams that you have and don’t sleep for days after because why? Because you’re afraid if you go back to sleep, they’ll start again?”

“God damn it.” Matt jumped up and started pacing. “Look, they’re nightmares. I told you about them because… because you were here when one happened and you’ll probably be here when another one happens. I don’t sleep, but they don’t interfere with the rest of my life. I still go to work and get my job done. Hell, there have been times that I’ve worked on less sleep because of some server issue that we’re having, never mind the dreams.”

“I don’t want to fight with you,” Christian sounded resigned.

“I’m not fighting.”

Christian cocked an eyebrow. “No? You look pretty pissed off.”

Matt sighed. “I just don’t like talking about it.”

“Talking about it might help. You might figure out what’s triggering them. Have you thought about seeing someone?”

Matt gave Christian a cocky grin, hoping to diffuse the conversation. “I thought I was seeing you?”

The joke didn’t have the desired effect and merely caused Christian to throw up his hands in frustration. “Fine. Forget it. God, you’re so fucking stubborn, you think you have to shut everything inside and act all macho. Do you think people are going to think less of you or something? Fuck, I need to study.” Christian got up and started walking toward the hall to grab his pack.

Matt caught his arm as he walked passed. “Wait. Just… sit back down, okay?”

Christian hesitated but agreed. “Okay.” He settled back on the couch with his legs curled up underneath him. “I get that it bothers you to talk about it, but you’re going to have to get used to me making sure that you’re taking care of yourself.”

Matt sat next to Christian, putting his arm around Christian’s shoulders. “There’s a lot of misinformation out there — about the military, about combat, and about PTSD. A lot of people have agendas. I’ve been screened, Christian. Stress is a trigger, I know that. Stress about work, stress about,” Matt made a general motion with his hand, “Us, coming out to Sam. It doesn’t mean I’m crazy and it doesn’t mean I need a shrink.”

Christian started to speak, but Matt cut him off.

“Do you know what PTSD is really like? What some of the guys I was in with have been through?”

Christian pulled back far enough so that he could see Matt’s face. “You mean you don’t want to get help because you’re not the worst off? Matt, you’re just as deserving of help as they are.”

Matt shook his head. “No, that’s not what I mean. I mean I saw a lot of shit and I made a point to educate myself about it. And, yes, I’m aware that the onset can be delayed, but if I worry about that every time I have a bad dream, I will go crazy.”