Whispers of Moonlight (39 page)

"Yes." The word was barely audible, but his question was enough to snap her back to reality. With a soft good-night she left the room, her head in a muddle. Dan had waited for years to get as close as Travis had just been. Why hadn't she wanted his attention? And why did she still feel warm all over from Travis' simple kiss to her brow?

Travis lay on his bed for what felt like hours. He had been so tense in the living room. Rebecca hadn't sensed this, but he'd been so nervous about what she might say and how he might respond. At any moment he was certain she was going to walk out of his life again. He wished there were a way to know what the next few months would bring. He had said so much to her, given her so much to think about. If Rebecca came to him and calmly asked to be taken home to Pine Grove, could he do it? And what was Rebecca hiding in her heart? Did she hate all of this or him? Was she repulsed by him? He couldn't read her face anymore. Too often the glasses hid her eyes, and even when he could see them, he couldn't tell what she was thinking. And the boys—right now they were in awe of him, but what about the days to come?

Travis suddenly heard his own heart.
I'm in a panic. Lord. To hear me. You would think I'm the one in charge, and
that I've got to figure all of this out in one night. Please help me to trust. You've already brought us so far. I know You'll finish the job.

Travis knew that confessing his anxiety was right, but he also knew he had to get his mind off his wife and the days to come. He wasn't worried about the next day and showing the boys around the barn, but Saturday made his gut clench in dread. Saturday was the day he had to tell Rebecca that he went to church on Sunday, but that wasn't all—he wanted the boys with him. He wasn't going to tell Rebecca she had to go, but the boys would be going to church with him no matter what.

Years ago Mitchell Fontaine had told him about a little trick he practiced whenever he was worried or couldn't sleep. Travis now put it into effect. He arranged himself as comfortably as he could in bed and closed his eyes. He then began to list the attributes of God and any verses he could remember that pertained to the attribute. He fell asleep somewhere between "righteous" and "omniscient."

Just down the hall, Rebecca could have used such a system. The boys had been sprawled all over the bed, so she had had little choice but to tough it out in her own room. This room had been a haven of comfort and warmth when she arrived from Philadelphia, but now it held only painful memories.

Rebecca turned yet again, but felt no comfort. The quilts were warm and the mattress soft, but she felt sore all over. She continued like this for nearly an hour before giving up. She threw the covers back, wrapped a blanket around her shoulders, and moved to the hallway. A quick peek at the boys told her they were sound asleep, so she padded barefooted to the stairs. Travis' door was open, but she didn't hesitate or look toward the room. The downstairs was dark, but Rebecca remembered where everything was and made her way to the kitchen. Lavena had left a lantern on the table. Rebecca lit it and put the kettle on to warm. The heat from the huge wood-burning stove and oven felt good, and she stood close to it in the
semi dark room. It took awhile for the water to
heat, and in that time Rebecca let her mind wander.

I
can't believe I'm here. I'm in Boulder. It's barely been 24 hours. I walked away from Pine Grove in a day's time. I didn't love it so much that I'll ache for it, but will I ever see Angel and Preston again? Do I
want
to see Angel and Preston again?
Rebecca shuddered a little at the thought of going back on her own. How had she left it all those years ago? With the boys it now seemed impossible. She suddenly felt trapped, as if in prison. Travis was the jailer, and she was in the cell. Rebecca shook her head free of the image. It wasn't strictly true. He had acted nothing like a jailer. He wanted to give her whatever she wanted. The problem was, she didn't know what that was.

"Travis, is that you?"

Rebecca started violently at the sound of Lavena's voice. The older woman's bedroom was off the kitchen.

"Oh," Lavena said when she came fully into the room, "Rebecca. Can't sleep?"

"No."

"You want something to eat?"

"No, I'm just going to make some tea."

L
avena snorted. "Don't know if I have any tea. Let
me look." She sounded as grouchy as ever, but Rebecca took little notice. Indeed, she was content just to stand with her hands over the
stovetop. As the kettle was heating, she heard Lavena mumble, "Well, that's better anyhow."

Rebecca glanced at her. "What's that?"

"Your hair. You don't look like a skinned rabbit."

Rebecca's hand went to the hair hanging down on her shoulders, but she didn't comment.

"Where are your glasses?" Lavena now asked, but again, Rebecca didn't answer.

Rebecca picked up the kettle. Lavena had unearthed some tea, and Rebecca now prepared herself a cup.

"Do you want some?" she asked the older woman.

"No. I'm going back to bed. Turn that lantern off when you head up," Lavena warned her unnecessarily and went back to bed.

The tea was bitter to Rebecca—she hadn't had any in ages—but tonight she didn't mind. In some ways it went with her mood. All her life she had looked to other people to make her happy. First her aunt and uncle, and then her father. Her husband hadn't had much time to even try, but Rebecca was certain that she would expect it of him sooner or later. All that had changed when she met Angel. Angel had been a kind friend, giving her a home when she had none and putting up with the boys when they were tiny. Angel had been the first person Rebecca had known to be happy on her own. Even before she got involved with Preston, she had been a complete person in her own right.

Rebecca was truly glad that Angel and Preston had made their relationship work, but at times she had been lonely for the other woman's presence. Since her laundry business and the boys consumed her life,
their times together were few, but there were moments when having another adult around would have been nice. Rebecca had known enough solitude to make her wonder what it would be like to have a real marriage with the man she now lived with.

In truth, Rebecca didn't know exactly what a real marriage looked like. Hannah and Franklin's marriage was not real. It was built on lies and pretense.

She could hardly remember her mother, and so had no memory of her parents' marriage. She'd seen very little of Dan and Dahlia after they were married, so they were no help. The closest thing to a real marriage had been Angel and Preston's relationship. Rebecca thought back on all she had seen them do. They often looked at each other and smiled. Preston took every opportunity to touch Angel, and she touched him in return. Was that what love looked like? Rebecca simply didn't know.

Suddenly she was tired. Her cup was still half full of tea, but she was ready to sleep. She rose, put the kitchen to rights, and blew out the lantern as Lavena had instructed her. She moved through the kitchen, then the dining room and past the living room, her mind still dwelling on a dozen things. Then she saw Travis with the lantern. He had just arrived at the bottom of the stairs. Rebecca stopped when he spoke.

"Lavena?"

"No, it's Rebecca," she told him, but remained in the shadows.

"I heard noises. Are you all right?"

"Yes. I just couldn't sleep."

"Can I get you something?"

"No, I just had some tea."

"So you're headed back up?"

"Yes."

"I'll hold the lantern for you."

Rebecca hesitated but then moved forward. Travis was on the verge of stepping out of her way, but then she came fully into view. When he didn't immediately move, Rebecca looked up at him. She watched his eyes traverse her hair and face, and then back to her hair again.

"I'd forgotten—" he began softly, but cut off, his mouth compressing slightly.

Rebecca opened her mouth to ask what he was going to say but closed it again. Suddenly she didn't want to know.

"I'd better go up now."

Her voice seemed to snap Travis back to attention. He moved aside, and Rebecca made an effort not to look at his wide, bare chest as she passed. She told herself not to run, but the temptation to dash to her room and slam the door was great. Travis didn't even go all the way down the hall with her. He stopped when he saw that she'd gained her room. He returned to his own room and found that sleep was the last thing on his mind.

"You go to church?" Rebecca questioned him suspiciously for the second time, and Travis knew in that instant that this wasn't going to go well. "Yes."

"Is that why you pray before meals now and tell the boys stories from the Bible?"

"No. I do those things, as well as go to church, because I have a different relationship with God than I did before."

Rebecca stared at him. It was Saturday, and they had just had lunch. The boys had run outside to play. Rebecca had planned to work on some mending, but Travis had stopped her before she could leave the dining room. At first her stance had been defensive; now she shrugged as if she didn't care.

"It doesn't really matter to me whether you go to church or not, Travis."

"I want you and the boys to come with me," he inserted gently. All of Rebecca's nonchalance fell away. She looked horrified, her eyes huge as she stared at him.

"I don't have anything to wear," she finally blurted, her whole body tense.

"Oh." Travis wasn't prepared for this but thought fast. "Well, I wouldn't want you to come if you felt uncomfortable about your clothes. Maybe you can get something out for the boys. I'd be glad to do it, but I thought you might have a better idea of what you want them to wear."

"They don't have any church clothes," she said a little too swiftly.

Travis shook his head, his face its usual calm. "There's nothing fancy about the church I go to, Rebecca. Jeans for the boys will be fine, just as long as they're warmly dressed. I want them to go with me."

This last sentence was said before Rebecca could open her mouth to gainsay him as she'd been about to do. Their eyes met and held. Travis was not going to rant and rave, but he would take the boys if he had to dress them himself. Rebecca finally looked away from him.

"I'll get them ready for you. What time do you leave?"

"About 10:15."

She nodded, her gaze still averted.