White Lilies (A Mitchell Sisters Novel) (25 page)

Your best friend on earth and in heaven,

Erin

I put the letter back on the table and stare at it. How could she have possibly known I would screw this up?

I can’t help but think about the letter my mom wrote to me that I was given after her funeral. I was only fifteen at the time. She asked similar things of me. She asked me to let go of the guilt I felt over her getting sick. She asked me to let go of the hatred I had towards my father. She said he was grieving in the only way he knew how. She asked me to repair my relationship with my dad and to love him. She said my life would be better for it.

What is it about dying that makes everyone want to forgive, forget and make the world one big happy fucking kumbaya? Instead of being pissed off that they’re dying, they want to fix everyone else’s lives.

I read Erin’s letter once more. I try not to be upset that she waited two months to tell me this. Then again, it was me who ran away. If I’d stuck around, Mason could have given me the letter right away. I have nobody to be pissed at but myself. I could have avoided two months of self-loathing, self-pity, and God knows what else I could have gotten myself into.

My eyes focus on the words that could burn a hole in the letter. The words that contributed to the guilt, the self-abhorrence, the drinking.

It’s as if the three of us together make the perfect couple.

The words she could have plucked from my own head because I’ve thought them so many times.

chapter twenty-two

When I first laid eyes on Skylar, I felt like the air was sucked out of the room. When her emerald-green eyes met with mine, I forgot to breathe. I had never experienced anything like it, not even when I met Erin. Not even when I’ve been around some of the world’s top supermodels.

She looked so nervous. I could tell she tried to put on a front and project this rough exterior. But when she started talking and that soft, melodious voice came out of her full, pouty lips, I thought I had never heard anything sweeter.

Then when she fell off the stool and into my arms, I swear to God I felt all that shit you see in sappy chick-flick movies. I couldn’t even begin to understand it. I was happy. I was happy with my beautiful wife and my dream job. I didn’t need or want another woman. I wasn’t ever looking for one. And no matter how strong my physical reaction to her was, I knew I would never act upon it. Erin was my wife. She was my life.

I realized I was being kind of a dick to Skylar at first, telling her my stare was innocent when I knew it was anything but. I even found myself getting jealous over the fact that she had a promiscuous past. It was ridiculous. I had no claim over this girl. But I knew I didn’t want to spend nine months or more having the reaction I was experiencing. I mean, I’m only human.

I was about to put a stop to the whole meeting when Erin started talking about fate. She wanted a baby. She wanted it so badly. We’d been trying to adopt for a few years, and only after she’d worked on me for several before that. I was never fully on board with having a kid. I was an only child and look at what happened to my fucked-up family. Shit goes wrong. People die. Fathers leave. I didn’t want to risk putting that burden on a child. But she wanted it so much. And who was I to deny Erin anything? From the day I met her, she garnered my complete loyalty. And I knew she would have it forever. No matter what.

So by the end of our meeting, I had decided to suck it up and be a man. I wasn’t going to be involved that much anyway. Pregnancy was a woman’s thing. I would simply keep my distance and then she’d be out of our lives after giving Erin the baby of her dreams.

I didn’t count on Erin and Skylar becoming best friends. I’d never seen Erin become attached to anyone like that before. At first I thought it was because of the baby. But the more I was around Skylar, the more I understood the draw. In many ways, she was the opposite of Erin. And not just physically.  She exuded adventure, independence and friendship from her every pore. She was feisty and candid. She spoke her mind without hesitation. And dammit, when she cussed, all I wanted to do was shut her pouty lips up with mine. It was torture.

I did a good job of staying away those first few months. But then Erin started throwing us together. I thought she was crazy making me spend time with the gorgeous woman who was carrying my child. I tried to rationalize I was genetically predisposed to be attracted to her merely because she was pregnant with my baby. However, the more time we spent together, the more drawn to her I became. And all Erin wanted to do was talk about her. Tell me how great Skylar was. How cute her growing body was becoming. How loyal a friend she had become.

Then when Erin dropped the terminal-cancer bomb on us and told us her dying wish, I was sure, that in some twisted way, I’d caused her illness by the inappropriate thoughts I never would have acted upon.

What kind of wife gives their husband and best friend permission to hook up? Then again, our situation was never typical from the very beginning. I understood her request. I’d seen plenty of kids raised by single parents. She didn’t want that for Aaron. So I promised her. And then I failed her.

For the first time in my life, I failed Erin by running away.

The door to the suite opens, startling me. Mason walks through and I shake my head. “They gave you a goddamn key? Is there anything you can’t weasel your way into?”

He laughs. “Can I help it that women throw themselves at me?” He shows me a second key card. “She gave me two, actually. She said her break was at noon if I wanted to meet her there.”

My jaw drops.

“What? Like you’ve never been handed hotel keys before.” He rolls his eyes at me and then tosses the second key in the trash. “Guys like you and me; we’ve been both blessed and cursed. These looks come at a price.”

He doesn’t have to explain. I know all too well what price he’s talking about. It comes to visit him every other weekend and on Wednesdays. Even less during football season. I decide to change the subject. “So, no playoffs this year?”

“Well, what do you expect when I’m not out there throwing the ball?” It’s a joke, but he’s frowning. We both know he should’ve been the starting quarterback for the Giants this year. It’s why he was drafted his junior year at Clemson. It wasn’t his fault that Johnny Henley retracted his retirement at the last minute. But instead of throwing a fit or asking to be released, Mason accepted his position as backup quarterback, claiming he would earn his way to the starting position.

“It’ll happen, Dix. One of these days, it’ll happen.”

He nods at me. “Makes for a very boring January. But hey, maybe I’ll hang down here with you for a few days. Work on my tan.”

“You can hang out here if you want. The suite is paid for until the end of the month.” I get up and walk over to the table, suddenly hungry. “I’m heading home as soon as I can get a flight.”

Mason gives me an award-winning smile. I know he’s about to gloat. I hold up my hand to stop him. “It was the letter, not you, you dickwad.”

He smirks at me. “The letter, huh? Has nothing to do with the ‘best sex of your life’?”

I throw a dry waffle at him.

“You really didn’t screw around this whole time you’ve been down here?” he asks.

I shake my head and then take a bite of lukewarm eggs. “I tried. But every time I’d start getting somewhere with them I felt like I was cheating on her.” I lock eyes with him. “Cheating on Sky. How messed up is that?”

“Sky?” He raises an eyebrow. “I thought she hated that nickname.”

I laugh. “She does. It’s probably one of the reasons I use it.”

“You two get off on rubbing each other the wrong way, don’t you?” He smiles. “Sounds like true love to me,” he jokes.

Love
. I’m reminded of Erin’s comment about Skylar being in love with me. I’m sure it was just another manipulation tactic on her part. Half the time I think Sky hates me. And I probably sealed the deal when I walked out on her, telling her it was a mistake. I wonder just how much work I’ve got cut out for me to make up for it. “Exactly how pissed off is she at me?”

“Pissed?” he says. “I wouldn’t say she’s pissed. She’s trying to deal with things the best she can. You were both dealt a devastating blow, but now she’s been left with a kid she never thought would be hers to keep.” He lets out a long breath. “But, listen, it’s best you get back there soon. Grab your stuff and I’ll head to the airport with you.”

“What happened to getting a tan?” I ask.

He laughs. “Are you kidding? I wouldn’t miss a second of what you’re about to walk back into.”

I draw my brows in confusion. “I thought you said she wasn’t pissed.”

“Well,
she
might not be. But I didn’t say there wouldn’t be a shitstorm coming from everyone else you know.”

I run my hands through my hair before heading into the bedroom for my suitcase.

~ ~ ~

Mason can fall asleep anywhere. Once, he fell asleep on the subway during rush hour. He just slumped over and started snoring. Me—I’ve got too much shit flowing through my head. What’s it going to be like being in the city without Erin? Who am I if I’m not the man taking care of her? Where will I stay? Am I even welcome back at my townhouse?

But most of all, as I stare out the window at the pillowy clouds below, I think of Sky.

I remember what seem like the most inconsequential moments. Moments like when I held her hair back as she puked into her waste basket. Or when she reached her arms around me to tie an apron.  And when I put my arm around her at the baseball stadium to keep that creep away. Every one of those touches was innocent, yet with each one, I felt some sort of electrical current making its way through my body. Each touch hit me in the pit of my stomach and had me questioning my sanity if I were to keep being around her.

Then, of course, there were the touches that almost wrecked me. When she put my hand on her stomach and I felt Aaron move for the first time. It was only minutes before Erin’s death. Minutes that separated one of the best moments in my life from one of the worst.

And when we slept together—it was all I could do not to pour my feelings out like a pansy ass. Being with her was surreal. I know I was a little drunk, but that did nothing to dull the feel of her touch. It did nothing to lower the incredible sensation of her milky-white skin against mine. It did nothing to stifle the memory of every nuance in her face, every curve of her body and every taste of her skin.

I reach in my pocket and wrap my hand around the small rectangular box wrapped in holiday paper. I’m still not sure I’ll give it to her. I’m not even sure it was ever my intention to give it to her, but it seemed too perfect not to buy.

I reach into my carry-on and pull out the ultrasound picture I swiped from Erin’s room the morning I left. It’s the picture of him sucking his thumb. I can see the wrinkles on his little face and the creases on his tiny fingers. I touch the picture, tracing his face with my thumb. I’m glad he hasn’t been born yet. I’d hate for him to be old enough to understand what I’d done. I know what it’s like to hate your own father.

As the plane descends to JFK, I can still see holiday lights lining the streets of Queens. It makes me think of Erin and how she loved Christmas. She would go all out every year, decorating our house as if we were hosting a gala and not just a simple family dinner. She would put beautifully wrapped presents under the tree and mark them ‘
from Santa
.’ I’d roll my eyes at her every year, but she’d always pretend he was real. It didn’t matter that we were the only ones in the room. It was her favorite holiday.

I was sad that she couldn’t make it long enough to see one more. I spent the entire day drunk, lost in the crowd, sitting on the beach surrounded by the masses of vacationing families. I wondered how Aaron would spend future Christmases. Would Skylar carry on Erin’s traditions? Would I send gifts, hoping that he’d get them and not deposit them directly into the trash as I did when my dad sent them to me?

Suddenly it hits me. It hits me so hard that if I weren’t sitting down, I’d fall over. I will do anything to give my kid a good life. I’ll do anything to make sure Skylar will be a part of it. I’ll do everything I can to honor Erin’s dying wish and become a family.

chapter twenty-three

As night falls, I stand on the sidewalk staring up the steps at the door to my townhouse. I watch as the crisp, cold New York air turns my hot breath into quick puffs of smoke, making me acutely aware of how nervous I am. The fresh snow lining the stoop is a far cry from the warm beach I was walking on just yesterday. I take in the exterior of the townhouse that doesn’t even feel like mine anymore. It’s only been two months. A lot can change in two months. The outside of the building looks the same, with the exception of a large wreath that still decorates the front door even though it’s mid-January. I smile. Maybe Skylar likes Christmas as much as Erin did.

With as much trepidation as I’ve ever felt in my twenty-seven years, I climb the steps. There’s a soft glow of light coming from the sidelights surrounding the front door, giving me hope that she’s home. I gave her no warning that I was coming. I didn’t want to give her a chance to stop me. I can only hope she’ll accept my apology and allow me back into her life.

Despite the frigid temperature, I’m sweating. I shift the flowers from one hand to the other as I wipe my damp palms down the sides of my jeans. It’s then I remember the box in my pocket. I’m not sure I’ll give it to her. Christmas was weeks ago. Maybe I’ll save it for her birthday.

Shit
. I don’t even know when that is. Just like I didn’t know what kind of flowers to bring. There’s a lot I need to learn about Skylar Mitchell.