Who Are You Meant to Be? (30 page)

Please, no,
por favor, por favor,
please no, I implore you. I was doing it for my family! My mother she’s sick and my father, he lives off the garbage. The king offered me much money and I have a little brother…

In Adventurers’ relationships, there is never a dull moment. Adventurers do many things to generate positive experiences. Even when they are fighting with their partners, they optimistically believe that “this too will pass,” and they can be annoyingly quiet when they have done something wrong. They can hardly wait for their partner to get over it, as they don’t like to delve too deeply into their motivations for their behavior. To end the fight, they may use diversionary tactics such as changing the subject, remembering something they have to do right away, pretending to agree, or just leaving the situation. They are also thoughtful and generous, showing their affection with frequent telephone calls and thoughtful cards and gifts to show they are thinking of others. In return, they expect little and do not keep score of the countless kindnesses they do. Their mischievous side leads them to play practical jokes or pranks on others, which don’t always amuse those on the receiving end.

For his first wedding anniversary, Todd the Adventurer wanted to do something his wife Becky would never forget. He loved to surprise her and would go out of his way to pull stunts that made her laugh. This time, he’d come up with a real doozy. Todd had been divorced from his first wife Cherie for about four years and they had maintained a good friendship, so he asked Cherie to help him pull a prank on Becky. Cherie, an Adventurer herself, agreed. She wrote a letter to Todd and sent it via certified mail. In the letter, she claimed that because of an administrative error in the paperwork for their divorce, it was never finalized. Cherie added a little extra shock value to the letter by suggesting that perhaps this error was destiny’s way of giving the couple one more chance. Unfortunately, Todd failed to recognize that Becky would be upset by the letter. Even after he revealed it as only a prank, she was so disgusted with his idea of an “anniversary surprise” that she stormed out of the house and didn’t return until well after midnight. Todd mistakenly had assumed that Becky would appreciate the trouble he had taken to arrange this elaborate prank and that she’d be happy and relieved when it was exposed as a joke.

Adventurers will stay in a relationship as long as it excites and otherwise stimulates them. As long as their partner is not trying to “tame” them and continues to enjoy their childlike exuberance, they are in. However, they have difficulty staying faithful to their mate if their relationship has become mundane or routine. Adventurers have difficulty tolerating the quiet and slow aspects of family life and will look for distractions to escape the tedium. Their quick wit and direct style are attractive to potential mates, friends, and employers in the beginning but can also cause problems when Adventurers can’t seem to get serious. Their attachment to the other person is based on the intensity of the sensations produced by their partner. Whether these sensations come from intense lovemaking or fighting really doesn’t matter. The Adventurer wants to
experience
the other person, not just be with them.

How Adventurers Satisfy Their Need to Be Spontaneous

Having Fun

Adventurers love to laugh, and their high spirits turn the most ordinary situations into happenings. There is a theatrical quality about Adventurers that most people find attractive. Adventurers love to get people going and will act outrageously, if they must, to make things happen. They want to experience excitement, to
feel
as much as possible, so they create a lively atmosphere wherever they go. They like to tease others and be playful, and they have a low tolerance for people who seem overly serious and don’t have time for a laugh. If you coax Adventurers into the public library, it won’t be long before they find some mischief to pursue, like reading aloud from
The Joy of Sex
, adding personal commentary and cajoling a reprimand from the librarian. They seem extraordinarily comfortable in their own skin and often have an endless supply of stories and jokes. A prime example of the Adventurer is TV’s
NCIS
character Anthony (Tony) DiNozzo, a streetwise, promiscuous former homicide detective.

In the series, Tony seems incapable of maintaining a serious relationship with just one woman, preferring to flirt with almost every woman he comes in contact with. Most of the other characters see him as chauvinistic and either are offended by his inappropriate comments or dismiss him and don’t take him seriously. With a strong belief in his charm and good looks, and that it is easier to ask forgiveness than permission, Tony goes about invading his coworkers’ personal effects, rifling through desks and bags, taking their food when he is hungry, and listening in on private phone calls. Displaying an enduring sense of juvenile humor, he finds amusement in the direst situations or at the expense of others. He is not above name-calling, teasing, and childish pranks, which are mostly directed at his coworkers.

Self-Protective Adventurers want to live like Peter Pan.
They are like kids who never want to grow up. Like Peter Pan, they act as if they are entitled to do what they want, and they allow others to pick up the slack for them. In an attempt to keep doing what gives them pleasure, they act without consideration of the repercussions on their personal or professional lives. Adventurers either make and break commitments easily or simply refuse to commit to anything. When pressed, they can pay lip service to an agreement but will do what they want despite the promise they have made. They charm, bluff, and otherwise persuade others to let them off the hook, putting their energy into getting out of things. They tend to practice avoidance or escape when these conditions arise, rather than deal with them. This often leads to bigger problems. A conversation between Wendy and Peter Pan demonstrates the Adventurer’s distaste for growing up.

Peter: Love?

Wendy: Love.

Peter: I have never heard of it.

Wendy: I think you have, Peter. And I daresay you’ve felt it yourself. For something…or…someone?

Peter: Never. Even the sound of it offends me. (Wendy tries to touch his face, and he jumps away.)

Peter: Why do you have to spoil everything? We have fun, don’t we? I taught you to fly and to fight. What more could there be?

Wendy: There is so much more.

Peter: What? What else is there?

Wendy: I don’t know. I guess it becomes clearer when you grow up.

Peter: Well, I will not grow up. You cannot make me!

Self-Actualizing Adventurers take responsibility.
Self-Actualizing Adventurers take time to consider the impact of their actions and decisions on people’s feelings. They learn to see the bigger picture and to understand the relationship between choices in the moment (e.g., the impulse to fly away at the thought of growing up) and their impact on the future (never experiencing a deep connection with someone). As they self-actualize, Adventurers recognize that there is more to life than the pursuit of pleasure. Their growth comes from being able to stay in the present moment and persist through difficult times without escaping into activities that satisfy their need for instant gratification.

Thinking on Their Feet

Adventurers are at their best when solving problems and thinking on their feet. They don’t stop to reason or think through an issue beforehand; instead they believe a solution is inherent in every problem, and that by taking the first step they will soon find the facts to help them come up with the right solution, even when they are in new situations and don’t know what they are doing. Should your car break down, Adventurers will be under the hood without any concern that they don’t know anything about engines. They are confident that they can figure it out. With common sense as their compass, they quickly analyze what is needed on the basis of what is immediately observable in their environment, and without any fanfare, they get to it. Their quickness to take action means they may not take the time to investigate the root causes of situations. They stay optimistic by moving on, leaving behind problems that prove too difficult to solve.

Self-Protective Adventurers create crisis.
Self-Protective Adventurers don’t like it when nothing is going on and will look for mischief to make or something engaging to get into. If they commit to doing something, they might break that promise because someone had an urgent crisis that they needed their help with. Like the time you asked your Adventurer husband to pick up your dress from the cleaners the afternoon of your daughter’s dress rehearsal. He didn’t get back until a half hour before you had to leave because he stopped to rescue a dog that had been struck by a car. Adventurers don’t think to call and let you know what’s going on, because whatever they are doing consumes them. So by attending to a physical crisis, they create an emotional one. They’re so easily distracted and tempted by whatever may be going on around them that they let their work, commitments, and responsibilities suffer.

Frank went out to the garage to clean it, after two months of nagging from his wife. Melissa was gratified when, two hours later, Frank was still outside. She assumed he was hard at work and had really immersed himself in the cleaning. She decided she would bring him some refreshments. When she got to the garage, Frank was nowhere to be found and the garage was still a mess. When he came into the house an hour later, Frank told an enraged Melissa that shortly after he went to the garage, his friend Tom had come by and asked for some help cutting wood. Frank, preferring company to the solitary task of cleaning the garage, immediately jumped into Tom’s car and left—without considering what Melissa’s reaction might be.

Self-Actualizing Adventurers learn to tolerate and follow through on commitments.
When they develop this capacity, SA Adventurers are able to get an amazing amount of things accomplished. They are able to focus their substantial energy toward making things happen. They no longer need a crisis to activate them. Rather than reacting impulsively in the moment, they learn to respond to the needs of the moment. They learn to manage the frustration they feel when they feel locked in to doing something and another thing they would rather do comes along. They take responsibility for how much they can hurt others by failing to follow through when others are counting on them.

Action, Action, Action

Adventurers meet their need to be spontaneous through perpetual activity. They are at their best when there is intensity in their lives, and they are easily bored by routine. Adventurers pride themselves on their boldness, bravery, endurance, adaptation, and timing. They make things happen for themselves and others around them. They seem as though they are brimming with enthusiasm and excitement and always have a quality of restlessness about them. They like to “fly by the seat of their pants,” often flitting from activity to activity just to keep things stimulating. They seem to know that despite any trouble they get themselves into, they can easily charm or connive their way out of it. Action energizes Adventurers, and stillness does not come easy to them at the best of times. They will often refuse to rest until they literally crash.

Self-Protective Adventurers catastrophize.
They keep themselves in perpetual motion, as though they were fleeing from the boredom they fear. When anything gets in their way or if they aren’t able to move to action, their usual upbeat personality becomes uncharacteristically moody, irritable, and pessimistic. It’s as though they plummet into their emotions, where they find themselves overwhelmed by their feeling experiences. They are frightened by their feelings because they are unable to make heads or tails out of them. Unknowingly, they make things worse by being afraid, catastrophizing and ruminating, creating worst-case scenarios about what is happening to them. Normally, Adventurers do not reflect; they just act with confidence in their abilities. When forced to ease off the gas pedal and slow down, they transform from outgoing, enthusiastic go-getters to fatalistic, hopeless catastrophizers.

Self-Actualizing Adventurers get to know their feelings and become connected to their physical needs.
Instead of sitting around contemplating what disasters are about to befall them, they take the time to get to know their feelings and to tolerate them. They listen to the messages that their emotions are sending in any given situation. They accept emotions as being normal and they don’t catastrophize. They learn to work with uncomfortable feelings and access their genuine emotions, instead of just generating restlessness and anxiety. By acknowledging their true feelings, they can stop going from activity to activity to avoid the emptiness they tend to feel inside. They get the rest their bodies need and take time to just “be” in their lives.

Risk Taking

Hook: And now, Peter Pan, you shall die.

Peter: To die would be an awfully big adventure.

—Peter Pan,
J. M. Barrie

Adventurers meet their need to be spontaneous by taking risks. They enjoy taking physical risks just to see whether they can do something. Many of them are athletes, like Sam Wakeling, who holds the Guinness world record for greatest distance traveled by unicycle in a twenty-four-hour period (more than 281 miles). Some practice a different form of “athleticism,” like Ashrita Furman, who set a record by crushing eighty eggs with his head in one minute. Whatever the feat of daring, it satisfies Adventurers’ need to experience sensation. They pride themselves on their boldness, physical endurance, and sense of timing. It’s as though their motors are always revved up, waiting for action. Adventurers don’t fear what they may lose by taking risks. If there are not enough naturally occurring risks in their lives, they may stir up situations or create risks to achieve the intensity of experience they thrive on. They have a tendency to follow their impulses wherever these might lead, which can propel them to the next big adventure or directly into trouble.