Who Are You Meant to Be? (33 page)

Taking Care of Others

Stabilizers feel it’s their responsibility to provide for the physical needs of the people they care about. Loyal and quietly supportive, they are deeply committed to taking care of their “tribe” in either an active or a behind-the-scenes fashion, protecting and serving, and working hard to become solid members of society. They prefer friends who, like themselves, are modest, quiet, and genuine. They express their feelings through action much more frequently than through words. They are very self-effacing, avoiding the limelight and preferring to stay in the background, where they can contribute in a steady, practical manner. Stabilizers are the go-to people when help is needed. In their families, they will do their duty and take responsibility when no one else will. Katniss, a character in the book
The Hunger Games
, gives us insight into how the Stabilizer takes care of her family.

Ever since the death of her father in a tragic coal-mining accident, Katniss has taken on the role of her family’s head of household. While Katniss’s mother was unable to cope with the loss, falling into a deep depression, Katniss stayed focused and took charge. Filling her father’s shoes, she became the chief cook and bottle washer, bringing home the food and income that would save the family from starvation. Katniss is the stalwart rock of her family. Hunting, foraging, and providing for her mother and sister Prim are at the very core of her identity.

Self-Protective Stabilizers become withdrawn and uncommunicative.
When “doing it all” is impossible, SP Stabilizers become singularly focused. Once overwhelmed, they narrow their focus to getting things done and become increasingly uncommunicative, unable to tolerate even simple conversations. They refuse to sit down and talk about what is going on with them, leaving those around them in the dark. Because they feel overwhelmed, they can’t see how they are ever going to get anything done and believe that talking just gets in the way. When in this state, Stabilizers can get so caught up in trying to keep their emotions under control that they are unable to see solutions to problems. They work compulsively, spending long and lonely hours keeping busy until they feel they are back on top of things.

Self-Actualizing Stabilizers learn to trust.
No longer fixated on usefulness and duty as their sole sources of worth, Stabilizers can feel secure knowing that others love them and want to take care of them in the same way that they take care of others. Self-Actualizing Stabilizers know they belong and no longer have to prove themselves repeatedly by being useful. They realize that people, including their employers, aren’t going to get rid of them if they are sick or unable to solve a problem. They learn to practice methods for calming themselves in the face of their own anxiety. They also learn how to be more direct in communicating their feelings and needs to others and not rejecting others who attempt to find out what is going on with them. By learning to trust themselves and others, SA Stabilizers can stay balanced and centered in their lives.

Assuming a Role

Stabilizers feel more secure when everyone’s roles—especially their own—are clearly defined. They maintain a black-and-white view of people’s duties or stations in life and believe that everyone should stay within these stations. They excel at followership, because when they know the expectations of their role, they fulfill them to the letter. They relate more easily to roles than to people, adapting their behavior toward others accordingly. If you are the Stabilizer’s boss, parent, or a high-ranking government official, you will be treated with respect and a sense of duty. If you are a son or daughter, your Stabilizer parent will provide you with the physical necessities of life. Stabilizers don’t see the point in trying to understand what another person is like; rather, they think of what the person should be according to experience and knowledge they have accumulated about the person’s role. When people behave in accordance with the expectations of their role, they earn Stabilizers’ trust and foster feelings of safety.

Henry loves to cook. His wife, Sara, is also a good cook, and he had always assumed that she loved cooking too. But he begins to notice that Sara is avoiding his suggestions for trying new recipes or cooking something together, particularly since she quit her job to stay at home and take care of their new baby. If he says he wants to cook, Sara immediately says, “That’s great,” and gets busy doing something else while Henry gets the meal ready.

Sara is a Stabilizer. She believes that her role and responsibility is to take care of her husband and child, especially now that she is at home full-time. It makes her feel anxious when Henry wants to cook because she interprets this as making her somehow useless and “bad.” She doesn’t see the cooking experience in the same way Henry does, as a way for the two of them to spend quality time together. In fact, she finds it annoying to cook with Henry because he strays from the recipes and is always under foot as she tries to follow her normal routine.

Self-Protective Stabilizers see everyone as unsafe.
They can be hypercritical and judgmental of everyone, including themselves. The role they have depended on for their sense of stability eludes them and everything feels chaotic and frightening as they project their perceived weakness and inadequacy onto others. They start sorting everyone into negative categories, according to perceived failures and flaws. Self-Protective Stabilizers call them names—no good, lazy, stupid, and so on—and they lash out critically at people who are close to them. Even those who are unfamiliar to them may be seen as incompetent at best and threatening at worst.

Self-Actualizing Stabilizers enjoy people for who they are.
They no longer expect everyone to perform solely according to their roles. They stop judging and sorting people to figure out which ones are safe; instead, they become curious and learn why they do this. Self-Actualizing Stabilizers work at not judging others; rather, they try to put themselves in other people’s shoes to understand others’ feelings and actions. Their tendency to be opinionated and unreasonable in their expectations is replaced with a softer, more human approach. Although adhering strictly to their role may continue to be a challenge, they understand that they sometimes get run down, overcommitted, or ill, and deadlines may go unmet. Their belief in judging others solely according to the performance of their expected roles begins to loosen, allowing them to let people into their lives. They also attain peace through accepting that individuals are not easily categorized, and that the shadowy area between black and white is often what gives life its richness and intensity.

Following the Rules

Stabilizers have clear rules for just about everything in their lives, including their personal relationships, and they take these rules very seriously, seeing it as their duty and responsibility to follow them. They aren’t particularly tolerant of others who don’t. Because order is so important to them, they can serve as both caretakers and drill sergeants in their families. Although work comes first, when that is done, they put time and effort into their family and recreational lives. Rules and regulations are freely imposed on family members and should be followed without question or exception. Stabilizers have a firm idea about the right way to run a household, and they keep everyone and everything in line with routines and schedules. They will try to make sure to conform socially to the status quo. Stabilizers truly believe that people should behave as their station in life dictates, and they do not appreciate people who put on airs or project an image of being better than they actually are.

Carmen (Stabilizer) and Michael (Visionary), both in their early twenties, met when they were taking a night course at the community college. They went out a few times and hit it off. Over the following two months, things started to get more serious and Michael asked Carmen to spend a weekend at the beach with him. Carmen, who comes from a conservative Catholic family, was offended by the idea, especially since Michael had not met Carmen’s parents and she had not been introduced to his parents. Carmen now feels that Michael has breached an important, if unstated, rule of their relationship: before things get too intimate, the parents must meet the potential boyfriend or girlfriend. To do otherwise, in Carmen’s view, shows a lack of respect for the family. Carmen now begins to have second thoughts about all aspects of her relationship with Michael.

Self-Protective Stabilizers become emotional, insisting others conform.
When these expectations are not met, Stabilizers can become very anxious. This anxiety has a destabilizing effect, which in turn manifests as disapproval and anger. If someone says he is going to do something, he should do it. If he says he will be somewhere at a certain time, that is when he should arrive. If Stabilizers can keep their commitments, everyone else should be able to as well. They accept no excuses. The same effects can occur if the rules are suddenly changed, forcing Stabilizers to behave differently or to accept something without having adequate time to stabilize themselves internally. Once in a state of emotional reactivity, SP Stabilizers respond in a way that is out of proportion to the situation. They may make hurtful comments, lash out in anger, and express open criticism of just about everything. It is as if an emotional dam has burst and a tide of feelings and judgments crashes over those unfortunate enough to be in its path.

Conformity is the jailer of freedom and the enemy of growth.

—John F. Kennedy

Self-Actualizing Stabilizers challenge their self-imposed limitations.
When they start to self-actualize, Stabilizers are no longer slaves to doing things “by the book.” They stop policing others to ensure conformity to standards. Their relationships are more rewarding, playful, and enjoyable. They know the importance of maintaining personal relationships and they plan social activities. They live their lives creating solid comfort, taking care of their families, their friends, and themselves. They appreciate having beauty around them and care deeply for their physical surroundings. They create a nestlike environment in their homes, where they can go to be alone and feel safe, warm, and secure. In this sanctuary, they can recharge their batteries after being with others. Although they are accustomed to expressing love through their strong sense of responsibility, they now find romantic and even sentimental ways to show how much they care. With their excellent memories they can recall and attend to details that endear them to their loved ones, such as important anniversaries.

Activators of the Self-Protective System

With their need to be secure and maintain everything the way it’s always been, Stabilizers are activated by people and situations that cause them to feel useless, unsettled, or insecure. Their need to have their world ordered as it “should” be causes them to fear anything that causes uncertainty. They are prone to worry or catastrophize, which fuels their fears and anxiety. This way of thinking and feeling frustrates their need to be secure and therefore is what they fear most. They will do whatever they can to protect themselves from these feelings.

The Unknown

Stabilizers feel anxious and are easily activated by anything new. If a novel activity hasn’t been sufficiently planned for, Stabilizers view that as a threat that they must resist in order to keep things stable. However, just thinking about engaging in a new experience is enough to cause them anxiety. The Stabilizer’s logic is, “If I haven’t done it before, why do it now?” For example, if a Stabilizer isn’t happy with where she is living because it is too small and she can afford a larger space, she may convince herself that all places in the area where she wants to live are unsafe, bug infested, and dangerous.

Spending Excessive Time Thinking

Stabilizers enjoy their own company; however, they can spend so much time worrying that they work themselves into a panic attack. They become consumed by obsessive thoughts, catastrophizing about everything that might go wrong. The more they predict catastrophic events, the more physical distress they feel. They can easily work themselves into a depression this way.

I’ve developed a new philosophy…I only dread one day at a time.

—Charlie Brown, “Peanuts”

Inability to Schedule Everything

Not being able to secure the steps or timing of activities causes Stabilizers’ anxiety to escalate. They tend to overextend themselves, preferring to be productive rather than idle. To accomplish what they have to, they become increasingly mechanistic in their approach, trying to get some distance from their feelings while at the same time forgetting that they are human beings. However, like a machine when it hasn’t been serviced, they can cease to function.

Inability to Perform Their Role

When Stabilizers become sick or hurt in a way that makes them unable to enact their roles, they become emotionally distressed, fearing the worst—that they will become useless or a burden to others. They find it hard to relinquish their role and to let others provide for them instead.

Not Following Rules

Stabilizers tend to see the world as a “machine” in which all the moving parts must work in a specific order and sequence in order for everyone to feel secure. Family members not showing up for celebrations, rituals not adhered to, people arriving late—all these behaviors cause the Stabilizer to feel anxious and fear the catastrophic outcome of the “machine” not functioning as it should.

Batman: “Robin, you haven’t fastened your safety bat-belt.”

Robin: “We’re only going a couple of blocks.”

Batman: “It won’t be long until you are old enough to get a driver’s license, Robin, and you’ll be able to drive the Batmobile and other vehicles. Remember, motorist safety.”

Robin: “Gosh, Batman, when you put it that way.”