Who Are You Meant to Be? (15 page)

Donald Trump once said: “Deals are my art form. Other people paint beautifully on canvas or write wonderful poetry. I like making deals, preferably big deals. That’s how I get my kicks.”

He made no bones about being a workaholic or about wanting those types of people in his employ. In 2007, Trump told the
New York Post
, “They [workaholics] don’t want to miss what’s going on. Although vacations are supposed to be about de-stressing, some people admitted it would be more stressful not knowing what was going on at work while they were away. And those are the kind of people I want working for me.”

Self-Actualizing Leaders take time to be.
They have learned the value of doing things for sheer pleasure, including spending time with others. They are no longer willing to sacrifice their personal lives and relationships for work. They have learned to tolerate feeling helpless, practice acceptance, and just go with the flow in those moments when they can’t control what’s going on. They know it’s futile to demand that life remain within their control. Self-Actualizing Leaders have learned to reflect on what they are feeling and how they are affected when they disconnect from feeling. They know how important it is to build bridges between their thoughts and feelings and how it ultimately makes them more effective at leading and interacting with others. They see the value of getting to know their needs and feelings, and they know that this takes time and should not be postponed.

Being Logical and Rational

Leaders view human behavior from a principled, logical, and objective position. They are comfortable with who they are and are transparent in their dealings with others. If someone isn’t playing by the rules, a Leader will make sure to correct that person to get things back in control. If there are no rules, Leaders make them up. When you lay out the word “pronk” in a game of Scrabble with a Leader, she’ll be the one to consult the dictionary before allowing you to collect your points. (A Leader will also want to choose the dictionary.)

Self-Protective Leaders deny or repress their feelings and those of others.
They insist that everything be done and conflicts resolved according to their criteria, which they consider fair and equitable. Their position is simple: “I am right and you are wrong, and no matter how condescending and arrogant I am being, you should change your position.” They fail to see how dehumanizing it is when they disallow others’ freedom to express their feelings or challenge their ideas. They use logic like a sledgehammer, bludgeoning the other person with it as though force would change that person’s mind. In the drive to win, they end up beating people down instead of listening to them. Self-Protective Leaders will make the same arguments again and again, as if repetition alone could alter someone’s view.

The following is an excerpt from a counseling session with Jerry, a Leader who shares his thinking process when he is in his Self-Protective System.

I was so tired of having the same fight with my wife, Donna. She was always going on and on about how unhappy she was because I was working all the time. She was driving me crazy. I told her a hundred times that she had to just get over it, as I had a very important job and couldn’t just leave work at five o’clock like everyone else. She said she needed help with the kids, as though I should come home and help her! I told her to hire someone to babysit and go out with the girls. She told me that she was going to throw me out if something didn’t change, and I thought she was just blowing smoke. Well, I couldn’t believe it when I came home from work at nine o’clock one night and my suitcases were on the sidewalk and the locks on the door [had been] changed. Can you believe that she would do this after how hard I have worked for her and my children? I do it for them.

Self-Actualizing Leaders listen to the needs and feelings of others.
They no longer argue other people into submission. They listen to how others feel and remind themselves often that their own and others’ emotions are important and useful and should be considered. Self-Actualizing Leaders understand that discussions needn’t be competitions and have come to terms with how their inner “warrior” can overpower and alienate others, thereby undoing all of the hard work they have done to build trust in relationships. They consistently work to break the habit of dismissing or criticizing other people. They listen to what others actually need instead of assuming they know.

Planning and Organizing Their Lives

Leaders are naturals at scheduling, planning, and organizing. Their daily plan will include a prioritized list of things to do. Their long-term plan will be more detailed, setting out their financial, physical, and material goals, to be completed in order of priority. If for any reason the Leader’s plans are derailed, all activity will cease until he or she can design another plan to get back in control. Leaders’ plans form a vital part of their security because they serve to confirm that all of the elements they are responsible for are progressing in a prescribed way, toward the desired outcome. Their plan is like a GPS device with carefully designed waypoints for charting the course of their life.

Self-Protective Leaders react.
Armed with their to-do lists, they are intolerant of interruptions or obstacles. Self-Protective Leaders adopt a quick-fix, “get out of my way” approach to their problems, including those in relationships. They want to keep things moving, and they become increasingly reactive when things aren’t going as they planned. They make decisions so quickly that they create chaos and confusion for themselves and for people around them. This makes them even more impatient with others, whom they blame for the chaos. They are quick to anger, complain about relatively small matters, and get annoyed with others’ slow pace—all driven by their urgency to conquer their to-do lists. They are frustrated when others don’t do what they tell them to do and can create waves, rather than smooth sailing, when they become too intent on keeping things moving.

Phyllis, Stanley, I want you to switch desks. I am going to reorganize and restructure the physical layout of the office to maximize everything! I think we are getting a lot done, don’t you? On paper, at least, and we are, after all, a paper company, are we not? Are we not? Are you with me? Are you with me? Thank you very much.

—Michael Scott (Steve Carrell),
The Office

Self-Actualizing Leaders respond.
Self-Actualizing Leaders notice that things aren’t going as they would like and are able to stay focused on identifying the problem. They understand the pressure that they put on themselves to check everything off their to-do lists and are more realistic about what they can and can’t do. They plan for interruptions and contingencies. They manage their own impatience and frustration and are tolerant and patient with those who are having difficulty or don’t see it their way. Doing right by people is as important to them as completing tasks in their time line. Self-Actualizing Leaders gain insight into the impact of overplanning and scheduling their lives and give themselves time to get things done in a more realistic time frame.

Activators of the Self-Protective System

The Self-Protective System in Leaders is activated by people and situations that cause Leaders to feel weak, helpless, or powerless. Leaders fear not being able to rein things in and become ferocious in an attempt to get their power back. Feeling powerless frustrates their need to be in control and therefore is what they fear most. They will do whatever they can to protect themselves from those feelings.

Absence of Influence

Any situation in which Leaders can’t influence a person or situation will frustrate their need to be in control and activate their SP System. For example, say a Leader wants to go to a concert and her partner doesn’t want to. The partner doesn’t like the artist and won’t be persuaded. This angers the Leader, who doesn’t want to go alone. Feeling helpless, the Leader quickly shifts to aggressive behavior to help gain control over what is happening. The more helpless or trapped the Leader feels, the angrier she becomes.

People Who Don’t Listen

Leaders feel in control when people listen to them and do what they want. Their SP System is activated when others clearly need help but don’t heed their advice. Although their intention is to be helpful, people sometimes just want the chance to vent rather than being told what they should do. Leaders can feel powerless when their children ignore or rebel against them. Leaders need others to defer to their wisdom and authority to avoid feeling helpless or out of control.

Overcontrolling Emotions

Leaders like to feel in control of their emotions and often neglect, deny, or repress them instead of paying attention to them. This absence of emotions makes them feel powerful; however, in reality, they are constantly living on the edge of a blowup. Their SP System is activated by prolonged overcontrolling of their emotions. Others can feel the volcano that is on the verge of erupting and will steer clear of the Leader as a result. No one wants to be the spark that unleashes the fury, and the Leader’s SP System can be triggered by just about anything.

Emotional and Irrational Behavior

Leaders have little tolerance for the emotions of others as they see them as something to be fixed rather than expressed. They don’t see the point of getting upset or acting irrationally, or otherwise losing control of emotions. They rule their relationships by making sure that everyone conforms to their code of conduct. Leaders treat others’ emotions like problems to be solved, and once they come up with a solution for them, they expect people to stop emoting. When accused of being cold or unfeeling, they believe they are being treated unjustly or don’t really care.

Are you crying? Are you crying? ARE YOU CRYING? There’s no crying! THERE’S NO CRYING IN BASEBALL!

—Coach Jimmy Dugan (Tom Hanks),
A League of Their Own

Being Blindsided

Nothing causes Leaders to feel out of control faster than being blindsided, for example by unexpected news or by being told that they have to redo something a different way. You can almost see the power draining from the Leader’s body and the fury rising up. Something as simple as a friend canceling a dinner date can throw a Leader into an emotional storm.

Depending on Others

It is very difficult for a Leader to trust that other people are capable of running their own lives for themselves. When Leaders are forced to spend too much time in situations in which they cannot control or influence their environment or the people in it, they start to feel helpless and powerless. To battle these feelings, they start finding fault with those who do have the authority over the situation. Leaders easily feel out of control when they have to let go and trust that others will do what they have promised.

Blind Spots

Creating Power Struggles

It’s difficult to give feedback to Leaders because of the force of their personalities. When challenged or opposed, Leaders are adamant that they are right. They can dismiss the input of others as irrelevant. Because they think they are being logical, they refuse to see themselves through the eyes of others. Leaders have a tendency to create power struggles by insisting that they’re right. Many people don’t even bother to contradict Leaders because they are afraid to.

Blaming Others

Leaders blame others when they lose control. “If they would do what I say, I wouldn’t have to get mad,” a frustrated Leader mother laments about her children. Rather than examining what they are feeling, they attack others and may deliver threats or ultimatums, giving in to the feeling of power and control that anger temporarily gives them. This external outburst masks the quieter inner implosion of helpless feelings.

Acting from Emotions

Leaders don’t believe that they are motivated by their emotions. Because they don’t think of themselves as emotional, they belittle those who express more vulnerable and tender feelings. They can get angry when someone cries, as they can’t see a reason for it. They don’t consider emotions such as anger, frustration, or impatience—which they express without hesitation—to be in the same category as feelings of sadness or despair.

Steve (Leader) hosts his family’s annual picnic at his home, and for the last two years it has rained—not enough to call the picnic off but enough to put a damper on the event. This year, relatives who had not come to the picnic before were going to attend. Steve wanted everything to be perfect, and he started getting anxious when he first heard the long-range forecast calling for rain on the day of the picnic. Not being able to be in control of knowing whether it would rain or not activated his SP System, causing him to act like a hungry bear coming out of hibernation. His family avoided interacting with him because he had become so easy to anger, lashing out at anyone and anything that got in the way. Fortunately, the storm system passed without as much as a drop of rain on the happy picnickers. Steve later lamented that he had worried so much over something he couldn’t control.

Criticizing Others

Leaders don’t recognize when they need to turn off the criticism. Although they may have the best of intentions, the way they express themselves can seem hypercritical. They believe that their criticism will be welcomed because, in their view, it is only the truth. For example, a Leader husband may say to his wife, “I thought I told you that dress didn’t look good on you. Why are you wearing it?” To the Leader it seems like a simple question, but it can have devastating results. Leaders don’t always consider how their message may affect the other person before they ask it. As a result, Leaders are frequently accused of being hurtful, insensitive, and critical.

I never give them hell. I just tell the truth and they think it’s hell.

—Harry Truman