Who Are You Meant to Be? (16 page)

Controlling Others

Leaders don’t see how controlling they are of others. They can be so afraid to lose control that they insist everything be done their way—the “right” way. An impromptu jaunt to the beach can become an overly orchestrated execution of plans, rules, and schedules that removes every shred of spontaneity (not to mention fun). Leaders don’t see that they are treating friends and loved ones like employees.

Upshifting to Their Self-Actualizing System

For Leaders to upshift to their SA System, they need to become more self-aware and to redirect their striving energy by doing the following.

Talking Less and Listening More

Building awareness of cues that they are talking over or down to someone can cause Leaders to upshift and take in what is being said to them. When Leaders notice that others have stopped talking or are becoming increasingly emotional, they can pause to consider why this might be happening.

Releasing the Pressure

Leaders upshift by recognizing when they need to release their emotions safely in order to restore balance. Barking out orders and yelling at people only leads to resentment and power struggles in relationships. Recognizing that they are feeling frustrated and that they may just need to vent allows Leaders to relieve the tension they feel inside so they can get calm enough to stand on the sidelines or to talk through what they are feeling with others.

Tolerating Feelings

Leaders need to recognize when they are feeling helpless and are trying to get back in control. An awareness of how their behavior changes when they feel helpless (not being able to influence or control others) allows Leaders to intervene on their own behalf and upshift to a place of reasoned response. They learn to identify the warning signals that they are about to lose control of their emotions.

Taking Time Away

Most Leaders can upshift by taking time away from anything goal oriented. The pressure they put themselves under is alleviated, rather than elevated, when SA Leaders play and have some fun. Getting familiar with their “tipping point” allows them to go out and replenish themselves. But if it’s not on the day planner, they may never do it!

Counting to Ten

To upshift, Leaders have to recognize when they are escalating and consciously de-escalate themselves. Focusing on their breathing for a couple of minutes or counting to ten can quickly help them step back into a more objective position where they name what is happening, identify the issue, and shift to problem solving.

In the Wilson family, the first Sunday of every month is Kids’ Day. On that day, the three Wilson children, ages thirteen, ten, and eight, are allowed to decide and organize the family’s activities. This tradition has helped their Leader mom Yvonne take a breather from being the orchestrator of all family events. At first, Yvonne was reluctant to give up her power to set the family’s agenda, but after implementing the idea for a few months and realizing that she could still be a great parent without always being “the boss,” she began to look forward to Kids’ Day. She found that by taking on the task of organizing activities for the family, her kids were actually learning some skills of collaboration and leadership that would serve them well in other life situations.

Achieving Their Full Potential

Leaders are “masters of their universe,” taking control of their destiny and everything in it. Responsible, authoritarian, and conscientious, they show us the way and expect us to follow. They believe they know what is right for everyone and will tell us the way it ought to be. They have the potential for tremendous achievements in business, in their community and with their family. With their strong organizational skills, assertiveness, decisiveness, objectivity, and cando attitude, Leaders who are also able to exert measured, respectful control—over themselves and others—while staying well connected to their emotional life and that of others can fulfill their own potential and lead others to do so as well.

C
HAPTER
S
EVEN

THE INTELLECTUAL—STRIVING TO BE KNOWLEDGEABLE

In this head my thoughts are deep…

I’m off again in my World!

—“My World,” Avril Lavigne

A
VRIL
L
AVIGNE’S WORDS PERFECTLY
characterize the Intellectual Style. The thinkers appear to be doing nothing; however, they are always busy thinking, living their lives from the inside out. They have an aura of detachment and are more interested in observing what’s happening than in participating. Quiet, reserved, and distant, they are often perceived as aloof and uninterested. In extraverted North America, others can mistakenly (and negatively) judge that nothing much is going on with them. However, Intellectuals are often “lost in thought” because so much is going on inside them. They have an extremely active inner world, where they enjoy analyzing, learning, understanding ideas, and gathering information.

Fiercely independent, focused, and self-sufficient, they are compelled to live their lives according to their own inner ideology or belief system. They aren’t concerned with how others live their lives and don’t seek to influence others to follow them. They need the freedom to decide what to do and how to do it on their own time line. Although their outer world may be chaotic, in their inner world everything runs exactly the way they believe it should. They can seem like rebellious nonconformists, yet they conform perfectly to the principles and values of their own inner system of self-government.

Intellectuals have a distracted, “absent-minded professor” quality about them—arriving at the last minute for work or social events, looking disheveled or mismatched. When it comes to what they consider unimportant, superficial, and insignificant, they “live and let live.” Intellectuals won’t impose their views on how people “should” be living. While they may have advice to give, as they can see what’s going on with objectivity and clarity, their nonjudgmental approach to people’s life choices gets in the way of them offering advice freely. They don’t want others telling them how to live their lives and so refrain from doing so to others, even when it would be useful and appropriate. Should you ask them, however, they will happily offer their opinion.

The character Gregory House, on the TV series
House
, shows how Intellectuals focus singularly on solving problems and demonstrating their expertise. House takes only the patient cases that interest him, pursuing neither fame nor wealth. He solely seeks intellectual stimulation and engagement. He is more interested in the disease than the patient. For him to be interested in taking on a new patient, the case must be incredibly challenging or already considered unsolvable by others.

Intellectuals get excited about learning, and they approach new subject matter with excitement. They collect information the way others might collect stamps; however, no one really gets to see the vast database of information and knowledge they have accumulated. Their passion about learning drives them to spend countless hours in quest of mastery over the desired subject. Intellectuals’ love affair with knowledge often gets in the way of staying connected in their relationships. Even when they pull themselves away to be with people, it often looks like they are present in body only. They seem to go somewhere else when caught up in thinking. One minute the Intellectual is talking to you, and the next it’s as if his or her mind has floated off elsewhere. Once Intellectuals seize upon a puzzling problem, they pursue it until they understand its complexity completely, to the dismay of those left out of this inner event. The following quote describes the impact this can have on others:

For my own part, I would rather be in company with a dead man than with an absent one; for if the dead man gives me no pleasure, at least he shows me no contempt; whereas the absent one, silently indeed, but very plainly, tells me that he does not think me worth his attention.

—Lord Chesterfield

What Makes Intellectuals Tick?

Intellectuals live out of their left rational brain, which focuses more on what they think about people and situations and less on their own personal experiences of those people or situations. Objective and logical, Intellectuals see their own personalities and those of others as a conglomeration of tendencies, strengths, weaknesses, and abilities, which they don’t judge but simply accept as the way people (including themselves) are. Intellectuals dispassionately consider facts, people, and situations, and create a complete inner ideology of how the world should operate, much the way others create principles, structures, and forms in the outer world.

The left rational brain is not holistic: it breaks things into their component parts, measures and sorts objects and experiences, and then decides how to respond. It decides what it needs to focus on when multiple objects are competing for attention. This enables Intellectuals to mentally organize numerous objects and to establish logical relationships between them. Their mental lives revolve around thoughts (“What is it?”), decisions (“What should I do with it?”), and systems (“What’s the process for doing that?”). It’s a great system for assembling a child’s playhouse but not for building intimate relationships.

While they do not need to have control over others, Intellectuals need to have control over themselves and over how others may touch their lives or affect their behavior. They fashion their lives in such a way that they have the ability to do this. Intellectuals apply reason to decide on actions; impulses and emotions have no place in their ideological world, so they are easily managed. Their self-regulatory system often rejects emotional information, and they can easily thwart their own desires and physical needs. Should they feel something strongly, they cut off from the impulse or the person or situation that causes it. This leads to controlling their impulses and emotions rather than managing them.

Eric is a fifty-year-old motorcycle mechanic whose wife, Layla, came to me for help with their marriage. Because of Eric’s knowledge and expertise, people in the motorcycle community across Canada seek him out. He spends most of his time in his garage or workshop, working on a hybrid engine he has designed. Layla, angry at the amount of time he spends in the garage, has embarrassed him a few times by bursting into his workshop and yelling at him in front of customers. Usually Eric handles these situations by withdrawing until his wife cools down. The last time she did this, he felt she had gone too far and he yelled back at her. Instead of sounding clever and articulate, he came across like a rebellious teen, which only humiliated him more.

Eric stubbornly believed that if Layla would just stop being so emotional, they could get back to normal. He expected her to apologize to him, which she did do, after a few sessions with me. However, she also explained that she felt hurt and ashamed by his lack of interest in her, and masked these feelings by staying angry with him. She asked him whether it was more important to be right than it was to be married. Although it was a risk, she told him that if he didn’t put more time into their relationship, she would have no choice but to leave.

Her calmness unnerved Eric because he was used to her temper. When they came to see me together, Eric clearly believed he’d easily convince me that he was not the cause of their problems. Instead, Eric came to understand that his need to be knowledgeable had stopped him from developing relationship skills, and consequently, he was in a constant state of retreat or self-protection.

Intellectuals generally have little curiosity about what they are experiencing emotionally or how things affect them personally. It is as though there is no “I” with personal needs and feelings. They are more aware of their existence as observers, viewing how pieces of data and information converge into a form that is meaningful to them. In a sense, they are whatever happens to emerge in the moment. If they are researchers, they become cogs in the machine that is creating the research. If they are automobile engineers, they become integral parts of the teams that design cars. Because they ignore any personal reactions they may have in the process—whether offensive, irrational, pleasant, or painful—Intellectuals stay impersonal. They experience themselves as the vehicle for actualizing their ideas, with no significant personal connection to them.

Relationship Style of the Intellectual

Intellectuals are usually faithful and devoted mates who take their relationships seriously. They love deeply but don’t feel the need to demonstrate their love in traditional ways. They can believe they are showing how much they care just by being there. As mates, they are easy to live with, although they can be somewhat forgetful and preoccupied. Operating from their own inner schedules, they are known to forget appointments, anniversaries, and daily schedules, even when written in their calendars. They are both devoted spouses and parents, and tend to be well informed about the best child-rearing practices.

Family and friends are very important to Intellectuals as they enjoy having people around them, although they don’t actually have to interact directly with people to experience this enjoyment. They are passionate observers rather than actual participants: the Intellectual father who watches his children swimming in the waves may feel that he has spent quality time with them (although they may feel otherwise). Intellectuals often prefer to observe or figure out people rather than engage with them. Relationships are frequently based on common interests and scholarly pursuits rather than the sharing of feelings.

In social situations, Intellectuals act as if they are invisible, blending in like wallflowers. They will observe or find something to do so they don’t have to interact with others. At parties, the Intellectual will keep score during games, coordinate the teams, or deliver a diatribe about the logic of the game itself—anything to escape actual involvement, especially if it involves sharing feelings or perhaps not knowing the right answer. For Intellectuals, emotions “do not compute.”