Who Moved My Blackberry? (3 page)

To:
Martin Lukes

Hi Martin!

You are starting to think big—but not BIG enough! I am going to help you make a quantum leap in your self belief. I, your greatest fan, sincerely believe you can beat your best by 50 percent by year end. What is stopping you?

Strive and thrive!

Pandora

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Pandora@CoachworX!

Hi Pandora

It's energizing to realize how much you believe in me, but I wonder if your metrics are a bit high. Can we compromise and say that I'm going to aim to be 22.5 percent better than the very best I can be? I think that's probably scalable!

22.5 percent better than my bestest!

Martin

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Keith Buxton

Hi Keith

I have just visited the staff canteen and found that there was not a single menu choice consistent with the Atkins diet.

Today there was pigs in a blanket, or mushroom risotto, or chicken pie. All of the above combine carbohydrates and protein.

Many of the more senior members of the staff follow Atkins and we should be encouraging them to use the canteen. It is only by the mingling of staff that knowledge is shared.

All my very bestest

Martin

From:
Keith Buxton

To:
All Staff

Dear all—I am delighted to inform you that Cindy Czarnikow, Global Head of Strategic Marketing, is to join us in London on a two-month assignment. Cindy will be spearheading Project Rebrand, a global drive to reinvigorate the A&B corporate personality. She will be working closely with Barry Malone and the top team in Atlanta, who have been working on plans to rebrand the company for six months. I know you'll give her every support in this exciting initiative.

Additionally, Martin Lukes has been tasked with leading a brainstorming group on how to improve the staff canteen. Any thoughts about delivering uplift to the current service should be addressed to him.

Keith

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Graham Wallace

Fucketyfuckingfuck. I didn't opt for a high flying career in order to discuss pigs in a sodding blanket.

What do you know about Cindy Czarnikow?? My sources in Atlanta say she's shagged her way to the top—possibly having a scene with Barry Malone …

Drink later?

M

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Jenny Lukes

Darling—fraid I won't be back in time to talk to Jake about his behavior tonight. Will send him a motivational e-mail when I get a window.

Love you, M

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Jake Lukes

Jake, old man. Sorry I didn't touch base with you yesterday. I just wanted to reinforce the ground rules we agreed before Christmas. This term is make or break for you academically but also for your future, and I'd like to share some advice with you. In this life, you get out what you put in—and you are not putting enough in.

Set yourself a stretch goal and then stick to it. I'm not asking you to be your best—think BIG Jake! Push the envelope! Be BETTER than your best! Agreed?

C u later!

Love Dad

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Jake Lukes

J—No I haven't lost the plot, as you so charmingly put it. I was merely passing on to you some advice my coach has given me. I suppose it was asking too much to expect you to buy into the philosophy behind it.

Dad

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Sylvia Woods

Hi Sylvia—when you've got a window can you make me a big laminated sign for my wall that says:

BY YEAR END I WILL ACHIEVE PERFORMANCE LEVELS THAT ARE 22.5 PERCENT BETTER THAN THE VERY BEST I CAN BE.

Also plse cancel Christo—I was meant to be having my first session mentoring him, but I'm too busy. See if you can schedule something for next week or the week after.

Ta muchly

Martin

PS I've got about 400 e-mails complaining about the canteen food. Can you reply to all, saying thanks for feedback, I'm looking into it.

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Sylvia Woods

WHAT'S ALL THAT BANGING?? I CAN'T HEAR MYSELF THINK. PLEASE CALL BUILDING ServiceS AND TELL THEM TO STOP IT.

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Graham Wallace

Hi Graham—Cindy's taken the partition walls down and has commandeered twice as much space as my office. I've just sent Sylvia out to count the ceiling tiles. I've got 49 and she's got 63!! She's got no desk, just squashy sofas—perfect for her favorite pastime. Though, without walls she's not going to be able to get up to much!

Have you clapped eyes on her yet? Check out the teeth and smile—she's got the classic American look—a ton of makeup, perfect grooming, really skinny with a massive arse. Not my scene at all.

Cheers, Mart

From:
Cindy Czarnikow

To:
All Staff

Hi everyone!

It's phenomenally exciting to be with you here in London town! I am humbled to be heading up such an exciting project as Project Rebrand. We have many image consultants working on this project in Atlanta, but we also want to tap into our own creative genius globally!

We are taking the A&B footprint and we are going to re dream it! Task One is to draw a road map. This is going to be an inclusive bottom-up rebrand, and I want to hear from you! I want each of you to come up with five unbeatable words that you think describe the A&B corporate DNA going forward! These will form the building blocks for the new identity.

Please e-mail me, or come see me! I'm right by Martin Lukes' office on the fifth floor. You'll find it looks a bit different up here. I've taken down the walls, chucked out the desk, and put in two white leather couches! This is going to be a space where we can hit ideas around and make it happen!

I'm smiling at you

Cindy

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Cindy Czarnikow

Hi Cindy

Welcome to London Town! I'm sure we are going to enjoy working together. A word of advice, if I might make so bold. While I, more than anyone, believe in open lines of communication, I find that at the end of the day one does need to get some work done. And for that I find that a door which closes and a desk have their uses!

As I'm sure you appreciate, I am presently snowed under with work. However, I will do some blue sky thinking on the five traits as soon as I've got a window.

Martin

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Cindy Czarnikow

Graham—Five traits of a certain person: Dumb. Big bum. Phony. Devious. Dangerous.

I'm leering at you!

M

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Cindy Czarnikow

Hi Cindy—I think I may have sent you something in error. It was meant for Graham … Plse ignore. Martin.

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Graham Wallace

Fucketyfucketyfucketyfuckingfuck. Just done something that would be funny if it weren't so awful. Will fill you in over a large one … M

From:
Pandora@CoachworX!

To:
Martin Lukes

Hi Martin!

I just wanted to check that you are doing what we agreed. Keeping it professional. Staying proactive. Thinking positive.

Strive and thrive!

Pandora

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Pandora@CoachworX!

Just seen your message. Yes, I was doing really well until this morning. Unfortunately I now seem to have got into a spot of hot water due to a technical problem. I sent a message to Graham Wallace, who's my opposite number in sales. I can have a good laugh with him—he's no rocket scientist but after a jar or two he's a lot of fun. Basically, I sent him an e-mail which I believe may have been read and misinterpreted by Cindy Czarnikow, a seriously humorless colleague from the US of A.

Martin

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Sylvia Woods

Can you check and see if Cindy's on her sofa—I need to pop out for a second, and would rather not bump into her just now.

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Jenny Lukes

Hi Jens—Just seen your message re Jake's phone bill. How the bloody hell did the little bugger manage to run up £495 in three months????

M

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Sylvia Woods

Morning Sylvia! Why does Keith want to see me urgently? Any idea what it's about? Large latte would be nice. M

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Graham Wallace

Hi Graham

Just had the biggest bollocking of my life from Keith. Now I've got to grovel to Cindy, and I'm being threatened with a gender awareness course called Sex@Work which sounds rather fun, though have a very nasty feeling it's going to be anything but.

Martin

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Cindy Czarnikow

Hi Cindy—

First let me apologize for any embarrassment I might have caused you by my misdirected e-mail, which was far more innocent than it may have seemed!

I realize there are large cultural differences between us people on either side of the pond, and we all need to be cognizent of these 24/7!!

I also wanted to point out that you seem to have got the wrong end of the stick re myself having issues around women. In fact I'm one of their keenest champions, as any of the girls here will tell you. Far from trying to undermine you, I have actively supported your Rebrand work, and it goes without saying, I think you're doing a terrific job.

Would be delighted to give you any advice going forward, on matters marketing or otherwise.

You suggest a breakfast—I can do next Tuesday, though could we make it 8am rather than 6:30?

All my bestest, Martin

From:
Cindy Czarnikow

To:
All Staff

Hi everyone!

Project Rebrand is a total blast! First up, the personality trait that most of you mentioned as being associated with the new brand was joy! Our new corporate personality is going to be like a joyful smile! The smile is the strongest form of human communication we have, and we are going to harness its power!

I am also phenomenally excited to say that we have hired Beyond the Box presently which has a team of 12 rebranding consultants dedicated to our assignment, and have come up with in excess of 1,000 corporate names. They are assisting our search to find a new name that will create brand empathy and position us as a company that Peak Performs—Permanently!

I'm smiling at you
,

Cindy

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Jake Lukes

Jake—I've just seen the itemized bill for your mobile. Your mother is on a total bender. EXPLANATION PLEASE.

Dad

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Graham Wallace

Hi Graham—You are bloody lucky that you've got daughters. Jake seems to have been doing phone sex on his mobile. When we were his age Penthouse was good enough for us.

Drink? I need a large one.

Mart

Text Message to Jenny. Sent 07:43

What do u mean, where am I?? Am having v quick drink w Graham, and then on my way home pronto. Is that a prob? M x

Text message to Jenny. Sent 07:45

How was I supposed to know that? It wasn't in my calendar. M x

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Sylvia Woods

WHY WASN'T MY SON'S SCHOOL PLAY IN MY CALENDAR??? I was meant to be there this evening seeing him star in Romeo and Juliet, and am now in a lot of trouble with the ladywife. I gave you a list with all his school fixtures on it. What did you do with it?

Martin

Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld

From:
Pandora@CoachworX!

To:
Martin Lukes

Hi Martin

One of the most important things I am going to teach you on this course is how to turn your stumbling blocks into stepping stones.

I will show you how to stop thinking about obstacles and problems, and start seeing them as opportunities to improve yourself. Let's start today. Tell me about a stumbling block, and I'll show you how to transform it!

Strive and thrive!

Pandora

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Pandora@CoachworX!

Hi Pandora

Frankly, it's occurred to me that one of my biggest stumbling blocks may be my PA Sylvia. She's been with me for two years, but simply doesn't see the point of going the extra mile. Instead she loses things, has cocked up my calendar arrangements and had the nerve to say that I never gave her the dates. I've given her a bit of a pep talk, but no effect.