Who Moved My Blackberry? (7 page)

Darling—Thanks for the pearls of wisdom, but frankly you're getting a bit ahead of yourself. You haven't even started the job yet, and you're not up to speed on the background, so I really wish you'd stand back, and leave Project Boxer Shorts to myself and Lucinda.

In any case, your concerns are totally off piste—we've sold the story to the media as a colorful example of how big business really cares at the grassroots level—and they've bought into that. In fact they can't get enough of it. Don't forget to watch—I've sent Jake a text too. He'd probably be quite pleased in front of his mates to see the old man on the box.

M x

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Graham Wallace

The ladywife is really getting on my tits. She's already started telling me how to do my job!! I bet Lynne doesn't give you a hard time about your sales figures … (though the way they are going, maybe she should!!)

M

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Phyllis Lukes

Dearest Mum

Don't forget to watch the six o' clock news tonight. I am going to be on—helping the homeless improve their lives. I know your views about the homeless, mum, and up to a point I totally agree. A lot of them are just wasters and spongers—but you need to understand that the media doesn't see them like that, and we need to reflect public opinion.

Boys both doing fine. Did I tell you Jens has finally quit her job and is going to work here? I know you don't approve of her working, but at the end of the day it's her call. In any case it's going to be very part-time. I swung it for her—it was really getting to me how miserable she was.

Will try to get down at the weekend. Jake's going to be back for half term, and I've been banned by Jens from playing golf. Not sure I'll be able to fix the tap, but I'll have a go, if you've got the right tools.

Yr loving son

Martin

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Keri Tartt

Hi Keri. Trust all set for later today. Can u call a cab for 3:30? M

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Jenny Lukes

I'm off now—should be back home by 6, in time to see myself on the news! Wish me luck

Love you M xx

Text message to Jenny. Sent 16:17

ohgodgodgodgod …. run the bath. pour me a large whiskey … i'm on my way home.

From:
Keith Buxton

To:
All Staff

Hallo everyone! Last night, as many of you will be aware, a-b was the victim of a concerted attempt to damage our reputation as a global company that cares passionately for the local community. Martin Lukes was ejected from a hostel and set upon by the homeless and by antiglobalization protesters. One hostel resident put a pair of A&B boxer shorts on his head and jostled him in front of the camera. Another set fire to a bundle of our A&B sweatshirts. These are attacks that we cannot tolerate.

The key learning that I, personally, take out of this is that our mission has not been universally understood by the public at large. We must think clearly about our target audience and how best to connect with them emotionally.

Bestest, Keith

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Pandora@CoachworX!

Hi Pandora—Basically, long story short, it was the most humiliating day of my life. When I got there, no one seemed to know I was coming. Eventually this news reporter turned up—looked really young and cute, but then started asking me all these really cynical and ignorant questions. I feel I gave some pretty good answers, but they were all cut out.

She insisted on filming me with this homeless woman—probably a crack addict, with multiple body piercings, who picked up our fleecy sweatshirt and said “I'm not wearin that, innit?” I told her that she was being ungrateful, and then a riot started.

And the tragedy was that I didn't get the chance to give the rebranding seminar. Keith isn't being at all supportive—he's going through the motions but when I saw him just now he was pretty standoffish.

22.5 percent worse than my bestest (!)

Martin

From:
Pandora@CoachworX!

To:
Martin Lukes

Hi Martin

Can I say one thing to you? NO FAILURE ONLY FEEDBACK. Repeat this mantra. It's really important. Failure has no place in your life. There is no such thing as failure. Only feedback. Yesterday was a positive for you. There were some big key learnings there. What do you think they were, Martin?

Strive and thrive!

Pandora

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Pandora@CoachworX!

Hi Pandora—Frankly it's hard to feel positive when drug addicts are pelting you with rotten eggs. But you're right that this wasn't a failure of mine, and you're right about the key learnings. I can think of at least four.

1. The homeless don't give a shit about anything apart from themselves.
   

2. Frankly it is no surprise to me at all that they are homeless. There wasn't a can-do headset between them.
   

3. I also feel really angry about having been forced to this by Lucinda and Keith. It was always obvious to me that there were going to be serious risks associated with this project, but they were insistent on getting the publicity at all costs.
   

4. Giving back isn't all it's cracked up to be.
   

22.5 percent better than my best

Martin

From:
Pandora@CoachworX!

To:
Martin Lukes

Hi Martin!

Give yourself a big pat on the back for reaching month three! This is one of the most vital months of the whole Executive Bronze Program. You have your DNA under your belt and now its time to dream!

You may not believe this, Martin, but many people do not actually know what their dream is! They need a little help to reach out and touch it.

The first exercise should be great fun. I want you to get a big piece of paper. Place it landscape and then get some Magic Markers. I want you to draw your dream. You need to let your conscious mind go blank and let your subconscious mind get to work!

Strive and thrive!

Pandora

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Keri Tartt

Hi Keri

How are you this morning? Great outfit! I need a big bag of Magic Markers—I'd like some thin ones and some of those big chunky highlighters and some A3 paper.

Tx Martin

From:
Jenny Withers

To:
All Staff

Hi

I should introduce myself—I'm Jenny Withers, and this is my first week working in external relations with Lucinda Mogg-Watson.

Over the coming weeks I shall be looking at ways of promoting our ethically and socially responsible strategies.

Already this morning people have told me about ways in which they are generously giving their time to worthwhile causes. What I want to do is to bring all this good stuff together, and show the outside world what we are doing.

After the events of last month, there is a public perception that we are not entirely committed to the Coporate Social Responsibility agenda. We need to prove that we are. I shall be holding a Lunch and Learn session on Friday. Please bring your sandwiches and your ideas!

Jenny Withers

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Jenny Withers

Darling—

Brilliant memo, well done! A couple of tiny points. First, not sure you've got the tone and the vocab quite right. You sound a bit—how should I put it?—downbeat.

I'm also concerned that you misunderstood what I was going on about last night. When I said that in order to get noticed in this place you have to be very visible, I didn't mean that you start cluttering up people's inboxes on Day One. There's a lot of resistance here to creating company spam. I have a rule which I find quite helpful: before I send out an e-mail, I always think: does this pass the need-to-know test? And then, and only then, do I press send.

Obviously it's too late to take this morning's missive back. But worry not, everyone will be very forgiving on your first day!

M xx

PS Could do lunch later if you like?

From:
Keith Buxton

To:
All Staff

Hallo everyone

I would like to congratulate Jenny on a best of breed memo. It is always a pleasure when individuals who have just joined the company buy into our values from Day One!

Being seen as a socially responsible company is top of our agenda going forward.

All the best,

Keith

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Graham Wallace

Hi Graham

Just called a chum in the headhunting community who says Keith's in line for the number one job at Boots!! Which would be win-win—he'd stop ogling my ladywife … and his job'd be up for grabs. You heard anything?

Mart

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Keri Tartt

Hi Keri

Can you bring me some more A3 paper? Drawing my dream is actually much more challenging than you'd think. The trouble is that when your mind is as full as mine, it's very hard to empty it. Have you got any tips of what I could draw?

Martin

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Keri Tartt

Wow! Thanks for that, but I'll stick with the basics!!!

Can you keep everyone out of my office for the next half an hour? If my ladywife comes round, tell her to wait. I'm having lunch with her later … maybe you'd like to join us?? The two of you will need to bond. I should warn you she likes to keep a close eye on my calendar. There were issues with Sylvia over communication … dates went missing, yours truly in deep trouble. Sure that won't happen with you!

Martin

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Pandora@CoachworX!

Hi Pandora

Just sent you the picture. I did spend a tiny bit more than five minutes on it, but I think in the end I got pretty close to something. Though I'm no Picasso, I'm actually quite pleased with the end result!

22.5 percent better than my bestest

Martin

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Jenny Withers

Darling—How's your first day been? Shall we leave together? I could go home early for once—see you downstairs 6ish.

What did you think of Keri? She is a bit flaky, but willing. She lost me at lunchtime when she was going on about chakra gemstone kits. But she's much nicer to work with than Sylvia. And, no, I don't fancy her.

Love you Mxx

From:
Pandora@CoachworX!

To:
Martin Lukes

Hi Martin

Thank you for sharing your dream with me. It is always fascinating watching coachees' dreams take shape, and yours is a uniquely special one. Your road symbolizes your journey, the castle is your home life—those walls are very thick and solid, which is a great sign! However, this may also be a reflection of you as a defensive adult, with a vulnerable child within.

The white circle in the corner is your true North. This is your guiding star. It shows that whatever you do, you want it to be for a bigger purpose. Yes you want success—but you want it because it helps you achieve immortality.

Now Martin, I want you to break your dream down into achievable targets. Tell me your specific dreams. And I will help you make them come true.

Strive and thrive!

Pandora

From:
Barry Malone

To:
All Staff

Howdy

Everywhere I go in this company I get fired up by how you are living by our five values, Purpose, Practice, Potency, Performance, and People.

Of these the most important is People. And that is why I am today announcing a new board level position, Chief Talent Officer. The CTO will focus in on our people globally and ensure we have the very best talent mix we can. I am delighted to tell you that this position will be filled by Keith Buxton who is currently chairman of a-b glöbâl UK. Keith has an unrivaled track record in managing talent. He will add unique leadership and powerful insight to all our talent nurturing initiatives going forward.

I love you all

Barry

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Graham Wallace

Talent officer? Is that glorified HR or what? Sounds v flakey to me. So are you going to apply for Keith's job??

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Keith Buxton

Hi Keith

Congratulations! Really well deserved promotion. I've always passionately believed that the talent space is very underdeveloped. Get the talent pool right and everything else flows from that. When are you off?

Any news yet on a successor? I've got some views on this. Could we have some face time soonest?

All my very bestest

Martin