Who We Are (21 page)

She bolted up on the couch in a cold sweat.

Oh my god, I remember. I remember!

She cried as she remembered her baby brother, Patrick. She now recalled his chubby little face and red curly hair. Oh, how her heart ached all of a sudden. She wanted to hug him and squeeze him so badly. She knew this was real. The feeling in her heart and soul confirmed that for her. She was sure that no amount of vitamins or mind altering could recreate this feeling of pure love.
Oh Patrick, do you think I am dead?
She couldn’t imagine what he might be thinking now and how lonely he must be. Despite their age difference, they had been practically inseparable since the day he was born. Aedan loved Patrick too and was like a big brother to Patrick
. Losing both of us must have devastated him
. Her heart sank a little thinking about what this whole mess had done to him.

Although she wanted to sit and try to conjure up more memories, she knew she had to put these thoughts aside and collect herself. With an achy heart, she knew she had to switch back to this current reality.
I need to compose myself. These people, for all intents and purposes, seem to believe they are my parents or want me to believe that they are my parents. I have to play along for now. I can’t blow it.

She snapped back to her current reality soon enough when she heard some clanging in the kitchen. She wasn’t sure what time it was, but felt sure it must be close to dinner time because the sun was starting to fade in the sky. Now she could smell the aromas of supper wafting in from the kitchen. She wiped her eyes and got up to go out to the kitchen.

Mama turned around and smiled at her daughter. “How do you feel, darling?”

Desire wanted to blurt out, “I have no idea! I have no idea what I feel or how I should feel! I can’t possibly explain it to you! I wish I could, but I can’t!” Instead, she just nodded.

“Here,” Mama said. “Let me look at that dreadful wound.” Mama guided Desire to a kitchen chair and inspected the injury. “My my. It looks like it’s healing quite well already. That’s a testament to how healthy you are, my love. Those vitamins are wonderful, aren’t they? Well then, why don’t you go upstairs to change and freshen up for dinner? You may as well just put on your nightgown and robe. After dinner, you can lay down some more.”

Desire nodded obediently and headed upstairs. Her head didn’t hurt as much, but it sure was swimming with thoughts. Now that she remembered her little Patrick, she felt a sense of urgency to get out of this place and find him. She couldn’t bear the thought of him calling for her day after day and deciding that she wasn’t coming to get him after all. She went into her bathroom and splashed cold water on her face. She looked at herself in the mirror and for the first time saw the cut on her forehead. It actually didn’t look so bad for all the blood that came out of it. It was bruised and swollen around the cut, but felt sure it wasn’t anything to worry about.

As she changed out of her clothes, she could see her little wooden figure standing at attention on her nightstand. She went over to get it feeling certain she would find a message inside.

“
Desire, stay strong, play along and soon we will be free. J.”

Her heart felt warm and fuzzy when she saw this. She felt a little guilty about doubting him earlier. She knew deep down that he was not tricking her or lying to her. Just like her feelings for Patrick, she knew that what she felt in her heart and soul for Johnny was real. She knew he was the only one that could save her.

Feeling a little paranoid now, she pulled off her dolls shoes and took out all the little notes that Johnny had written to her. She also took one she had stuffed in the doll’s apron pocket. She stuffed them in her robe pocket and headed downstairs.

“Mama I am going to sit by the fire in the living room until dinner is ready.”

“Okay, darling.”

Desire sat on the hearth and watched the flames in the fireplace. They soothed and warmed her. Then, she pulled all the little notes out of her pocket and threw them into the fire. As she watched the pieces of paper burn quickly in the fire it occurred to her that her innocence was just like the paper in the flames – gone before she knew it.

Just a week ago, her goal in life was to be good and follow the rules to avoid getting in trouble. Although life was not very stimulating, it was simple and predictable. Now, her life was a game of survival; a game that could easily get her and Johnny killed if they made one false move. She could no longer act carelessly and mischievously. Now she had to calculate her every move and every word. She had to play the game. She had to win.

She really needed to be with Johnny. Now that she was starting to grasp the reality of their situation, she needed more information. A knock at the door snapped her out of her thoughts. She heard her mother go to the door and answer it.

“Well, how sweet, thank you. She is in the living room right now. She is in her robe so please pardon her appearance, but I am sure her father won’t mind. He said he expected you would drop by to check on her. Between you and me, he has really taken a shine to you.”

She turned around and saw Johnny coming into the living room.

“Look who came to check on you, Desire.” Mama showed Johnny in and then walked towards the kitchen. “I’ll bring you both some tea.”

Johnny handed Desire a bouquet of freshly picked wild roses. He even wrapped some paper around them so she wouldn’t get cut by the thorns. There were all different colours and they smelled heavenly.

“Thank you, Johnny this is so very sweet of you.” She looked up at him aware that her mother was in hearing distance.

Johnny extended his hands to help her up. “Are you feeling any better?”

She stood up and nodded. “Yes I am feeling almost back to normal. Mama was right. The vitamins made me very sleepy, but they helped take almost all the pain away.” She went to one of the occasional chairs and sat down. “Will you be staying for dinner, Johnny?” she asked him innocently.

“As a matter of fact, yes. I met up with your father this afternoon and asked him if he needed my assistance to make sure you and your Mama were okay as he had to go straight back to Work after the church meeting tonight. You and your mother have been excused from attending due to your injury and your father will speak on my behalf.”

He walked over to the other chair and sat down. He looked at her and she knew that he could tell that something was different. He put a finger to his lips to motion that now was not a good time to talk. She simply nodded and smiled at him. They sat in silence for about ten minutes and watched the fire burn until Mama called them for dinner. Johnny helped Desire to her feet. She wobbled a little, but he steadied her and they went into the kitchen.

Her mother had prepared a feast: Roasted chicken with potatoes, green beans, corn, and biscuits. There was a large boat of gravy and a salad of greens and fresh garden vegetables.

“This is quite a spread, Mrs. Winthrop and it all looks delicious.”

They all sat down and prepared their plates. “Well, nothing like a good meal to help you feel better.” She smiled at Desire.

Just as they were about to begin eating, there was another knock at the door. Her mother started to get up, but Johnny got up instead. “Please allow me, it is after dark and this is no time for visitors to be calling, particularly when your husband is not home.” He went to the door and it was two of the attendants from the Clinic. Johnny exchanged quiet words with them and came back in with a small box in his hand. He had a slightly odd look on his face.

“This is a gift from the doctor’s at the Clinic, Desire. They heard about your accident today and wanted to send you over a little treat.” He opened the box and found four cups of pudding: Three chocolate and one vanilla. “They said that the chocolate cups are for your family and the vanilla one is for you. A little sweet treat to help you feel better.”

“Well isn’t that thoughtful. They even made a special cup for you, Desire.”

Her mother looked delighted, but Johnny did not. He set the box on the counter. “We will save those for our dessert then.” He sat back down at the table and proceeded to eat his meal. Desire at two platefuls of food before she finally threw in the towel and admitted she was full. She suspected that there was something funny about that pudding for her and wanted to be sure there was no question that she too full for dessert. Just to be sure she stuffed in one more slice of bread. Johnny watched her eat and looked amused. She looked up at him and raised her eyebrows as if to say, “What?” She knew he got a kick out of watching her stuff herself with food. She wondered if this was a new characteristic or if she ate like a piggy as her real self. She shrugged her shoulders and kept shoving the bread in.

Her Mama finally spoke up. “Desire, you are eating like you have never seen food before. That is no way for a young lady to eat in front of a guest. Plus, you need to save room for dessert. That pudding looks so yummy.”

“Sorry, Mama. You are right. I’ve forgotten my lady manners. Pardon me, Johnny.”

“Not to worry. It’s a good sign that you have such a good appetite after such a bad fall.”

“So how about that pudding?” Mama asked, as she pushed he chair away from the table to get it.

“Well Mama, I feel so stuffed right now, I couldn’t eat another bite. Let me rest my stomach for a few minutes. Maybe after I help you clean up and make coffee, Johnny and I can take our dessert out on the back porch? That way no one will see me sitting outside with my robe on.”

“That is a wonderful idea. If you eat it now, you surely won’t enjoy it as much as you should.”

Her mother shooed her and Johnny into the living room and insisted that she would tidy up after dinner. Desire reclined on the couch and rubbed her stomach a little, now regretting about half of the food that she ate. She looked over at Johnny and he just smiled a little bit with a “What did you expect?” look on his face.

They both had so much to say to one another, but knew it would be foolish to even try to communicate in any manner while they were in her house. She closed her eyes for a moment and pictured Patrick jumping up and down in his crib. She longed to pinch his cheeks and hug him. Thinking about him, she could feel the tears starting to build up so she opened her eyes and focused on Johnny.

Seeing her mood change, he tried to distract her. “Desire, perhaps if you feel better you can come back to the shop tomorrow to continue to work on the toy prizes for the Celebration?”

“That would be nice. I am certain I will be back to my old self, and we have so much work to do to prepare for the big day.”

Johnny winked at Desire in approval. Desire felt proud of herself for playing the game so well.

After about ten minutes, Desire’s mother popped her head into the living room. “I have a tray with tea and your pudding on the kitchen table. You two may take it out to the back porch now. I will go upstairs and rest a little bit as this has been an exhausting day. Once your tea and dessert are done, it will be time for Johnny to leave.” She went over and kissed Desire on the head and then proceeded upstairs. “Thank you again, Johnny, for all your help.”

“My pleasure, Mrs. Winthrop.”

They got up and headed toward the back door. Johnny got the tray and took it outside. There was a little table between two wooden rockers and he set it there. Without a word, he took the pudding cups and a spoon and scooped the pudding out of the cups and flung it into the compost pile beside the house. Then he threw a little dirt on top to cover it up just in case a busybody came by. They both knew that the pudding was not a treat for her to feel better, but likely more drugs to assure her bump on the head didn’t interfere with her newly jumbled memory. He set both cups back on the tray and handed Desire a warm cup of tea.

He turned to her and smiled. “Tomorrow we will finish our toys and work on all the little details. It is the details at this point that will make the biggest difference.” Desire understood what he was saying and it had nothing to do with toys. They rocked in silence for a while and then Desire’s mother opened the back door.

“Come now, dear, you have had a long day and should go to bed to get a good night’s sleep. If you feel well enough tomorrow, you may go to Johnny’s father’s shop to continue to work on your toys. I will pack you both a lunch basket in the morning. For the next few days, you should stay home from Bible study. Papa will let you know when you can return.” She motioned for Desire to come in. Johnny stood up and got the tray with the empty tea cups and pudding bowls.

“Oh good! You were able to squeeze your dessert in.”

“Yes, Mama. It was delicious.”

Desire went straight to bed and thought about Patrick. This newfound memory confirmed for her that everything Johnny told her was true. Her dream was so real it almost didn’t feel like a dream. It felt like she had jumped right into the past and relived that morning with her little buddy.

Though the majority of her memory remained fuzzy, she could feel herself changing. She didn’t know for sure if she was changing because of all the strange, recent events or if her true self was fighting her way back into her consciousness. Most probably, both contributed to the changes she now experienced.

She felt a little scared of what might happen to her when her memory fully returned. This one wee memory brought on a cascade of emotions and although the memory itself was joyous, it ultimately weighed heavily on her heart because it was a life she wasn’t sure she would ever get back. If her memory didn’t come back, who would she become?