Who We Are (9 page)

Desire looked at her father with a look of surprise and delight.

What is going on with Papa? Offer to help me to cook? Papa never really spends time with me, but who am I to complain?

“Of course you can Papa! I was going to make pancakes and coffee. Do you think we should add blueberries to surprise Mama? They are her favourite.”

Papa agreed and with that they set about making breakfast together. As it turned out, Papa was a great egg cracker and mixer. After she showed him how to cook the pancakes in the skillet, he took over. After the first couple, he started to make funny shapes with the pancake batter. Most of them looked like misshapen blobs, but they were all cooked perfectly. She was having so much fun she completely forgot about his strange behaviour earlier.

As she finished pouring the coffee and Papa flipped the last pancake, a soft voice came from behind. “Well, if I didn’t know any better I would swear I was dreaming.” Desire and Papa both turned to see Mama standing in the kitchen doorway. She looked happy and confused at the same time.

“Good morning, darling. Desire wanted to surprise us both with breakfast, but I was already up. So we decided to surprise you and judging by the look on your face, we did just that.”

Papa smiled and turned to his daughter and winked. “Maybe I should have burned a few of the pancakes. I don’t want this to become a tradition with me cooking!” He laughed as he said it and continued stacking the remaining pancakes on a platter.

The small family sat and ate breakfast together, making jokes about the goofy-looking pancakes and the mess Papa made while stirring the mix. Papa was so relaxed and happy. Desire felt completely at ease and Mama seemed at peace. When they finished, Mama ordered them to let her clean up as a thank you for such a wonderful breakfast.

Papa looked at Desire and said, “Well, you heard your mother, no cleaning up for you! So why don’t we go get ready for church while Mama washes the dishes?”

Papa left the kitchen to head upstairs but stopped before he began his ascent. He turned around and looked back at his daughter. “I love you Desire.” Without waiting for a response, he turned and walked up the stairs.

Mama dropped the cup she was holding and Desire simply stood there stunned. Both were equally surprised at Papa’s behaviour the entire morning and even more astonished to watch it end with such an open display of emotion. It was simply new ground for both of them.

Desire looked at her mother in disbelief, but Mama reassured her. “Of course he loves you, Desire. Sometimes he is strict, but that is only because he is trying to raise you right.” She kissed the top of her daughter’s head. “Now scoot and get ready for church like Papa said to.”

Desire did as she was told. She ran up the stairs to her room and flung open her closet door. As she browsed through the glum selections of skirts and blouses, Papa came to her bedroom.

“Desire, the Minister has decided that you no longer need to hide your hair in a scarf. Given that you are now of the age to bear God’s fruit and find a husband, he believes that God will protect you from the lures of the Devil to keep you safe to bear his seed.”

He reached into his pocket and pulled out what must have been 20 strands of coloured ribbons. He extended his hand to her. “Here you go. You may leave your hair down and tie it appropriately with some ribbon.”

This is the best morning of my whole life! Does Papa finally trust me?

The young girl sat down at her desk to brush her hair. The small oak desk had three drawers down the left side. A little chair with a cushion fit perfectly underneath. She used the desk for homework, journaling and reading, but she also used it to sit and brush her hair. A little mirror sat atop so that she could check her hair when she finished the many, long strokes.

Her deep flaming red hair had gentle curls. It was very shiny and fell halfway down her back. There was a little vanity deep inside of her that wanted to show off a little today. She knew the other girls had made fun of her ugly scarf that hid her hair for the past few years. She pulled back just enough to keep it from falling into her face and tied it with three different colours of ribbon: green, white and yellow. When she looked at her reflection in the mirror ,she thought she looked stunning! Her flaming hair was in such contrast to her face that she thought she looked like a china doll in the mirror. Her lips had a natural rouge to them and when she was silent they looked like a plump wide heart on her face. She fixed a few more strands of curls then got up to dress.

As she searched through her closet trying to make the burning decision between a grey skirt and a black skirt, her mother now appeared in the bedroom doorway holding something behind her back. “I am almost ready, Mama, I just need to get dressed.”

Mama entered her room, hands behind her back. “Desire, I have something for you.” With that, she brought her hands out from behind her back and showed Desire what she held. Her left hand clasped a long emerald-green skirt. It was made of light chiffon and had a silken sash that tied across the waist. She also held a beautiful white blouse made of delicate eyelet material. It had short sleeves and an interesting neckline that looked like a heart. In Mama’s right hand was a brand new pair of black patent Mary Jane shoes with a little heel on the back.

Desire stood there, stunned. “I don’t understand, Mama.”

Mama looked at her daughter softly, understanding her confusion. “Desire, it is time. You have become a young lady, so you do not need to dress like a child anymore. You have matured. It’s time to look your age. Get changed now and then come and show Papa and I how you look.”

Desire just couldn’t make sense of all that had been happening lately. Her status in her family seemed to change overnight. One day, she was an impetuous child who was scolded non-stop and all but ignored by her Papa when not being punished. Now, Papa was showing her affection, giving her more responsibilities and lifting some of the strict restrictions he had put on her life. The ironic part was she had been naughtier in the past couple of weeks than ever before and she hadn’t got caught.

Maybe touching myself isn’t as evil as I thought because I would have surely got in trouble by now if it was.

Desire put on her new church clothes and shoes with care not to wrinkle or tear them. When she slid the shoes on her feet, they felt simply glorious. She went into the bathroom to look at herself in the big mirror. The reflection seemed strange to her. Overnight, it seemed, Desire had gone from awkward young girl into a mature young lady.

She went down the stairs carefully, trying to get used to her delicately heeled shoes. When she entered the kitchen, Mama and Papa looked up at her and smiled. Papa walked over to her and gave her a little hug. “Desire, we are going to sit down for a nice long talk soon so that I can give you complete and full instructions on how a young lady is expected to act in the community and in the eyes of God. For now, you behave as I have always instructed you to behave, and whatever you do, do not take these new clothes for granted. They are special and must be treated that way – always. Do you understand?” His voice was very stern and sadly, like the old Papa would speak.

“Yes Papa. I understand.”

They walked to church in silence aside from the odd ‘Good morning’ greeting or nod to a neighbour. Desire walked with her parents down the church aisle to take their assigned seats. Without looking directly at anyone, Desire could sense heads turning to look at her. She even heard some of the elder women coo as they saw her. As she walked down the aisle, she held her head held high and tried desperately not to trip as she got used to her new heeled-shoes. As she approached the aisle where Johnny sat, she turned her head ever so slightly to look at him. There he was; his eyes wide with delight. Her heart skipped a little. He looked so handsome in his church suit, with his face clean shaven and his hair slicked back.               All she could think about was the tea after church and speaking with Johnny.

This is a perfect day! With my nice new clothes and shoes, I finally look normal! Oh, I bet I will have more volunteers than I know what to do with!

The service that day was completely lost on her as she couldn’t keep her mind from wondering. Most of her life so far had consisted of chores, studies and punishments for being disobedient. All of sudden, each day seemed to be new and surprising.

When the service finally ended, she couldn’t have felt happier, although she hoped that Papa did not want to discuss it at dinner tonight. She had been so distracted that the service was just a fuzzy blur in her mind. In fact, it was like pieces of the service didn’t register at all in her memory.

Oh gosh, I hope I didn’t fall asleep! Surely Papa wouldn’t have stood for that.

Whatever the reason, she didn’t remember much of what the Minister said, although that was nothing new. Many times over the course of her life, it was as if she ‘lost’ time. When she told her parents about it, they just brushed her off and told her that happens to everyone and it was nothing for her to worry about. She never forgot about it though, and still wondered about it occasionally.

The Minister announced that the tea following the service would begin in ten minutes to allow the tea to brew and the committee chairs to set up their tables. That was Desire’s cue to go downstairs. She grabbed her poster she had brought with her from home and headed toward the church basement. When she got downstairs, she saw Tobias sitting at one of the tables. She didn’t realize that Tobias was chairing a committee.

“Desire, my sweet girl, you come right over here. I saved you the best table here!”

He was sitting at the first table by the door. Everyone who walked in would have to pass by her table first.

“Oh thank you, Tobias! That was very thoughtful of you. How did you know I was chairing a committee?”

Tobias beamed. “Silly girl, this old man knows everything that goes on around here!” He leaned a little closer to her, “As a matter of fact, it was me who suggested it to your Papa. Because you were so bright and eager in class, I thought you would make a wonderful committee chair.” He winked at her. She smiled brightly at him and thanked him again. He was such a nice old man. Once again, she felt sorry that he had no family left.

Desire unrolled her poster quickly and laid it out on the table. She placed a few pencils around it for people to sign up. As she was just about to sit down, she heard a voice behind her that made her start and turn around.

“Good morning. Desire. You look as pretty as a spring flower.”

Johnny. He held a little sack in his hands. She could see that he was quite proper in the church so she maintained a proper distance.

“I brought some toys I made for prizes,” he said. “I thought maybe some of little ones would enjoy seeing what they might win.”

Desire could hardly believe what she saw. He pulled out a hand-carved miniature wagon painted brown, red and black. There was also little houses that looked just like our houses except smaller. He had even carved little people to go inside the houses. These were fantastic prizes!

“Oh thank you, Johnny! Now that I see these great prizes and know what candies we are making, maybe I will play the games instead of leading them!” She felt so happy.

Johnny pointed out all the little details on the toys while they waited for the church members to come down. She looked closely at the little people he had made. One of them was a woman carved out of wood. She had flaming red hair.

She looked up at Johnny and giggled. “Is this supposed to be me?” She picked it up and looked a little closer at it.

Though he just shrugged and stayed silent, his smile gave him away.

She put the figurine in her pocket, “I think I will just keep this for myself, unless you object.”

Johnny smiled then excused himself to help set up and arrange other tables. Desire left her own table to fetch a cup of tea before everyone else came down. As she got to the refreshments table, she saw a few church ladies behind the table ready to serve. Mama was among them. They were brewing large pots of tea, percolating coffee and setting out trays of sweet treats.

“Hi Mama! May I please have a cup of tea to take over to my table?”

“Of course, Desire Help yourself. Take a few sweets with you as well. Otherwise they will all be gone by the time you can get back over here.” As Desire made her tea, Mrs. Proctor arranged desserts on a silver tray.

“Good morning Mrs. Proctor, how are you today?”

Mrs. Proctor looked up from her tray. “Well my dear, I am just fine,” she replied, then stopped what she was doing to look at Desire more closely. “Well now, look at you! My dear, you are absolutely stunning. If I had a son waiting to be wed, we would be on your doorstep tonight asking for permission to court!” She paused for a moment and added, “Who would have thought that behind that scarf and bulky clothes was such a lovely and beautiful young woman. Now, if you can just stay out of trouble, you will have no trouble finding a husband. None at all!”

She looked sternly at Desire, but then a little smile broke through. She passed Desire a plate for her sweets and then went on about her business.

What is she babbling about? And why does everyone seem to think I needed a husband?

She thanked Mrs. Proctor for the kind words nonetheless and took her tea and sweets back to her table. She didn’t notice Johnny’s eyes following her across the room. She sat down in the chair behind her table and waited for her tea to cool a little. Just as she was shoving a large brownie into her mouth, she realized that Johnny was watching her. She quickly grabbed a napkin to cover her overstuffed mouth. He laughed a little and then returned to setting out chairs.

Oh! He must think I am a gluttonous fool! I must remember to be more ladylike, like Mama said. 

Finally, the church congregation started filing in. Elderly members shuffled in first, followed by families with girls her age. Desire stood up from her chair, waiting for the interested girls and boys her age to come over. Instead, they headed straight for the sweet table. Desire felt disappointed, but reassured herself.

Nothing to worry about. Of course they wanted to get the sweet treats before they were all gobbled up. I would do the same thing!

So she waited patiently and watched the activity around her. She saw that Mama had a number of ladies surrounding her, all volunteering for dishes as Mama divided up the work for the celebration meal. A few men strolled by the set-up table and volunteered for various jobs such as decorating, tending the table of wine and beer, and also some were needed to set up the hall with tables and chairs. After a while Desire started to feel a little bit like a sore thumb.

Why isn’t anyone coming to talk to me? The Fun & Games Committee is always very popular.

Just then, a little girl approached her table. It was Nathaniel’s sister, Annabelle. She was eight years old and, fortunately, nothing like her older brother. Annabelle was sweet and kind. She had little blond pigtails and wore a soft pink dress. She also had some chocolate icing on her right cheek.

Desire giggled and motioned for the girl to come over. “Annabelle, you missed a little bit of your chocolate cupcake.” She smiled down at the girl, grabbed a napkin and crouched down to wipe the chocolate off of her cheek. ‘There you go, all gone.” Desire  folded the napkin and put it on the table.

Annabelle studied Desire’s poster. “May I sign up to help you? My brother told me you are the prettiest girl in town.” That made Desire’s stomach turn a little but Annabelle looked so cute she couldn’t help but smile.  “Well Annabelle, you have to be a little bit older to be a volunteer on the Fun & Games Committee. Plus, because there are only four children in the community right now, wouldn’t you rather play and win some of the prizes?” She pointed to the little toys on the table. “I will also have caramel popcorn balls.”

Annabelle looked disappointed so Desire quickly added, “However, I think I do have one spot left for a helper on the night of the Celebration. If it is okay with your parents, you can help me run the fun and games. Would you like that?”

Annabelle’s eyes lit up. “Oh, yes! That sounds like a very important job. I will ask my parents.” She paused for a minute, “If I help you, does that mean I don’t get a prize?”

“Well, actually it means you get to pick your prizes first for being a good helper.”

Annabelle smiled even more brightly. She thanked Desire and then skipped off to find her parents. Desire saw her tugging on her mother’s skirt. After a quick discussion, Annabelle turned back around and gave Desire another bright smile. She couldn’t help but giggle at how excited Annabelle was.

As the afternoon went on, it become clear that no one wanted to work on her committee. No one signed up. Deep down, Desire thought it might be because no one wanted to work with her. She couldn’t understand why this was, but there wasn’t a thing she could do about it except stand there looking more and more foolish as the day went on. Toward the end of the tea, she saw a few of the girls her age standing in the corner with Constance. They would occasionally look her way and then turn around and chatter and giggle.

Feeling defeated, Desire left her table and walked over to her mother. “Mama, I am all done. May I go home now?”

“Yes sweetheart. You know your father and I have to stay on as we have quite a bit of business and cleaning up to do. So you run home and change your clothes, alright?” She handed Desire a basket with some leftover sweets. “Take these home, please. We’ll have them for  dessert tonight. Also, please go to the field and pick some fresh beans and peas for dinner tonight. Your father and I will be home around five o’clock.”

Desire took the basket of sweets and left the church. She didn’t bother to pick up her poster. She didn’t see the point in taking home a blank sign-up poster. She walked quickly. She just knew she would cry and didn’t want anyone else to see. By the time she got home, her eyes were so blurry with tears she could barely make out the front door of her house.

She entered her house and closed the door behind her and then let out a huge sob. She sat down at the kitchen table and buried her head in her arms and had a good, long cry. After several minutes, she went upstairs. She took off her lovely new church clothes and hung them carefully in her closet. She put on a plain, black skirt and white blouse. She tied her hair back in a long plait but kept the ribbons in her hair.

Sneaking into the forest today would certainly make her feel better. She really just wanted to be by herself. She was so happy and full of glee this morning and now she felt crushed. What a difference a couple of hours could make.

Chapter Seven

As she lay on the grassy forest floor, Desire closed her eyes and let the gentle afternoon breeze carry the sweet smell of the wildflowers to her. The warmth of the sun blanketed her like a hug. The blades of cool grass felt like silky strands tickling her bare feet. Wanting to rid herself of the memory of this afternoon she closed her eyes and let herself relax.

The day had started out with such hope and promise. Perhaps the pride she felt in her new clothes and the joy she felt with her hair finally flowing freely had been obvious to the others in church so they shunned her. She tried to recall what she might have done to make almost everyone treat her in such a way, but she could think of nothing. But she had to admit, she did feel quite pleased with herself this morning. And although her clothes were newly stitched, they were not, by any means, any more pretty than the clothes all the other girls had been allowed to wear to church for years.

So, they couldn’t have really felt jealous, could they?

She eventually lost interest in thinking about what other people thought of her and her clothes and her hair. Instead, she surrendered to the solitude of the forest. She felt her eyelids get heavy so she let them close, and drifted off to sleep.

She bolted awake to the sound of a twig snapping. “Who’s there?” she called out, but received no reply.

Is someone watching me? Is Papa out here looking for me?

She looked around, but didn’t see anything or anyone. She sat quietly and motionless for a few minutes, listening intently, but she didn’t hear any other sound except for rusted leaves blown about the forest floor made audible by the gentle breeze. She was about to lay back down when she heard a crunching sound, like someone walking on dried leaves. She remained upright and heard another new sound: the pounding of her heart in her chest.

              Desire got up and looked all around. Nothing. No one. She giggled to herself.

It was probably one of the many furry forest creatures I heard. Perhaps a squirrel or a bunny.

She wandered over to the creek and sat on the side. Looking up at the sun, she supposed that she had dozed off for a few minutes only  since the sun had not moved too much in the sky. Pulling her knees up to her chest,  she laid her head down on her knees. As she watched the gentle flow of the creek water, she wondered again why none of the girls in the community wanted to join her committee. She felt a little sad, but mostly embarrassed. The whole church congregation attended the social tea in the church basement; everyone knew that nobody wanted to join her committee. What if the parents wouldn’t even let their children play the games she organized?

Oh, that would be too much to bear!

              Just then, Desire felt something gentle on her shoulder. For whatever reason, it did not startle her. She looked up calmly, and into the face of Johnny. Then she knew: It was he who had made those sounds. She no longer felt threatened and spied upon. She felt assured.

Johnny sat down beside Desire, saying nothing. From behind his back, he produced her poster. It was neatly rolled up and tied with some string.

Oh no. He knows too: no one wants to join my committee. This is mortifying!

She dropped her head to her knees and started to cry.

Johnny nudged her gently. “Hey! Aren’t you going to take a look?”

“Oh, Johnny! What’s the point! We both know no one signed up!”

“Are you sure about that?”

She lifted her head up to look at him. He handed her the poster.

She reluctantly took the poster from him and slowly untied the string. As she unrolled it, she saw that he wasn’t teasing her. There, in big bold letters on the top of the list, was Johnny’s name. It was the only name, but she laughed when she saw it because he wrote his name so big it took up all ten lines.

“You see? Your list is full! And we both know that I can do the work of twenty of those silly girls from Bible study.” He grinned at her and she laughed again, in spite of herself.

They sat together in silence, watching the creek flow. Soon, he turned to her and put his hands on her face to turn it toward him. He gently caressed her cheeks for a moment and then traced her lips with his fingers. The look in his eyes was full of tenderness and longing. Desire started to feel a little warmth all over and although this was all so new, she did not want him to stop.

Tracing her lips again with his fingers he gently leaned in and kissed her. With a hand on either side of her face, his gentle touch almost made her melt. After a few gentle kisses on her lips, his tongue was in her mouth tasting her and seeking her own tongue. Her body seemed to react naturally to this and she kissed him back. She explored his mouth, which was soft and oh so delicious. She kissed him timidly at first and then with a little more fury.

Her entire body felt hot now. She felt tingles all through her body and an aching between her thighs. She let her hands explore his body. Unbuttoning his shirts, she wanted to feel his bare flesh on her hand. With his torso exposed, she ran her hand all over his hard, lean chest. His muscles were bulging and tense. He responded to her touch with kisses that were a little harder and more passionate.

              Johnny had his hands firmly on her waist but slowly moved them upward toward her bosom. He stopped kissing her and gazed into her eyes.

“I have always loved you, Desire.”

And then he started to unbutton her blouse. When he got to the last button her gently pulled each arm free from her sleeves. Next, he unwrapped her bosom. Her whole body felt sore with heat and desire and she felt a longing inside of her to be a close to him as possible.

              “Come here, my love” and he pointed to his lap.

She climbed on without thinking and they began kissing once again. She kissed him fiercely, her tongue desperately devouring all she could in his mouth. His hands explored her bosom. Johnny pulled away and grasped one of her breasts with his manly hands. He tickled the nipple gently and then kissed it. He kissed it a few times and then began to suckle on it. But it was not maternal, it was primal. He gently bit her nipple as she moaned with pleasure. Her legs, wrapped around him tightly, squeezed his torso. Although this was all new to her, she instinctively knew how to respond to him.

              “Oh Desire, I have been waiting for this moment for so long.”

Johnny then reached under her skirt and his hand went right for her soft mound of flesh. Desire felt so aroused, she couldn’t control herself. He touched her in that special spot and her body almost immediately began to ripple with waves of pleasure. She let out a huge moan and he then grabbed her mouth and assaulted her with his tongue. He rubbed her spot until she couldn’t stand it any longer.