Who We Are (4 page)

The men never talked about Work, but they must have been very busy. Only the twelve church Elders and the Minister went to work. Sometimes, they worked for days at a time and not come home. Although Work had a huge chimney made of massive stones, Desire had never seen one ring of smoke coming from the chimney in her whole life. She found that peculiar. When she asked her father about it one day, he simply slapped her face three times and scolded her for questioning him about Work. He told her that she needn’t be curious about anything because if there was something she should know, she would know.

The community clinic was located on the same side of town as Work and was about a ten-minute walk away. All the community members had to visit the clinic to have regular check-ups to make sure they were healthy. Desire had no idea what a check-up consisted of. She always remembered going to the clinic for her check-ups but never remembered what happened or getting home afterwards. She would wake up at home later in the day without a clue what had happened. Sometimes though she noticed bruises or felt a little sore after her check-ups. Mama had told her that was normal but never elaborated. Desire thought that it was all very strange but did not dare question it for fear of being slapped or spanked or, worse, publicly humiliated.

A community hall backed onto the forest and was located on the other side of Work. It was in the hall that community members came to socialize and celebrate special occasions, like marriage unions, births of new sons, and  approved community holidays, such Celebration of the New Year. Celebrations in the community were infrequent, but they were events to look forward to. She had never been old enough to attend a Celebration but felt excited because this year she would be attending the Celebration of the New Year.

Chapter Three

On Saturdays, Desire had to go to the Ration store after lunch with a list that Mama gave her. She got the push-cart ready and headed out to get the supplies for the week. She studied what seemed to be an extra-long list today. As she pushed the cart toward the store, she saw Tobias sitting on a garden bench in the centre of the town. She noticed that his crippled hands shook and he was unable to remove the cap from his bottle of water. The sun was ablaze in the sky and the air was thick and steamy. Poor old fellow was sweating and shaking and Desire worried he might faint in the heat.

Desire quickened her step toward him. “Good day, Tobias. It sure is hot out here today.” With that, she gently took the bottle of water from his hands and loosened the lid.

Tobias looked up at her gratefully, “Thank you, child.” He drank almost the entire bottle of water in one gulp.

Desire took the bottle from him and went over to the water fountain to refill it. Handing it back, she sat down beside him wanting to be sure he was okay. “Tobias, can I collect your staples for you while you cool down a little?” She didn’t wait for an answer. Instead, she took his sack and his list and walked over to the ration store. Before entering, she braced herself. She hoped that Nathaniel wasn’t there today. He gave her the heebie-jeebies. Nathaniel was about 20 years old and had somewhat of a handsome face, but his eyes were black as coal and seemed to burn through her whenever he looked at her. He was very tall and broad with dark, brown hair that he kept very short. She didn’t always know what he meant, but he managed to sneak in a strange and creepy comment every time he was near her. She felt pretty sure that his comments were naughty, but she didn’t really know what they meant. It was more his demeanor and tone of voice that always sent a chill down her spine.

When it was her turn at the counter, he ogled her up and down. Trying to ignore his eyes, she explained she had come to pick up items for Tobias, who was just outside.

“My, my. Aren’t you sweet to help an old man on a hot day?” He smiled widely at her and then added, almost in a whisper, “It’s always a little hotter when you are around, Desire.”

He stared at her for a few extra moments. Desire didn’t understand why he kept looking at her the way he did.

Oh don’t be silly,
she told herself.
He is probably just being goofy and I am reading too much into it. All of Papa’s warnings about boys probably have me feeling a little paranoid. 

She felt a little foolish for thinking such terrible things about Nathaniel. Nonetheless, after she got the supplies and was back outside, she felt better and safer instantly.

              Tobias looked much better. There was no more sweat on his brow, and his hands had stopped shaking. He looked at her and smiled warmly. “Desire, you
are
a good girl. Four other young ladies passed me by without so much as a glance my way.” Desire tutted to herself.

Those girls don’t practice what the Minister preaches!

“Have a good day, Tobias,” she said. “Perhaps some rest in a cool place would be a good idea.” He nodded and rose from the bench.

He turned and started walking toward his residence, a lonely two-room house. Tobias’ wife died a long time before Desire was born. She didn’t know what happened to her and didn’t dare ask. Curiosity always got her in trouble and for now she just wanted everything to be peaceful.

              Desire took her cart and returned to the Ration store to fill Mama’s list. She felt glad to see that Nathaniel had been relieved for a break by another young man behind the counter. She scanned Mama’s list. One item struck her as curious. Mama had asked for quite a length of soft green fabric, a new colour recently produced at Work. Desire guessed she was going to make herself a new dress.

As she walked home, she saw Johnny coming her way.

Oh no.
I do not want any trouble today, not with the Celebration of the New Year just a few weeks away.

She quickly veered and headed to the other side of the street where, thankfully, she saw Mrs. Proctor, her next door neighbour. She hurried over to her. “Good afternoon, Mrs. Proctor. May I walk with you?”

Mrs. Proctor looked up, a little startled. Desire wasn’t sure if Mrs. Proctor really liked her or not, but when the woman spotted Johnny, she understood. “Of course, Desire. Come along so we aren’t out in the hot sun too long.”

              Mrs. Proctor was a tall, robust woman. Though she had a stern voice, Desire sensed she was a gentle soul. She thought Mrs. Proctor’s height and girth may have belied her true gentle nature. She was a very devout community member and held in high esteem by the other town ladies. Her husband was an Elder at the church just like Desire’s father. She had only one son who was married with a family of his own.

They walked most of the way in silence. When they got to Desire’s front gate, they bid each other a good day and Mrs. Proctor continued down the path to her own house. As Desire walked up her front path through the garden, she stopped and turned her head a little and could see Johnny still walking in her direction, about three houses away. She stared at him for a minute. Watching him walk toward her elicited conflicting emotions; she felt a wave of comfort and fear wash over her at the same time. He really didn’t seem all that creepy, but it was like he was always around. Wherever she went, there he was. Out of nowhere, she got the urge to run to him and embrace him.
Why did she have these feelings? She didn’t want to hug him or be anywhere near him!
She felt fairly sure he would not cause any trouble right in front of her house, but she did not want to take any chances. Her penance of fasting was finally complete and after five long hungry days, she was not about to make Papa mad at her again. Not if she could help it.

              As Johnny got a little closer, she could see he was smiling. He was sauntering up the road with his hands in his pockets. Most onlookers would think he was simply going for a stroll, but she knew different. She knew he was watching her, and watching out for her.

Why? I must be a little loopy-brained from five days of not eating.

With a quick wave of her hand to Johnny, she turned and headed into the house. She put all the items she gathered from the ration store in the cupboards and then took the fabric into the sewing room. She found Mama stitching up the border of a new quilt she had made for her and Papa’s bed. The quilt was many shades of blue with little yellow flowers embroidered into it. It was breathtaking. The pattern she quilted into is was exquisite and very complicated, as evidenced by the bruises on her fingers from countless hours of hand stitching.

“Hi Mama, here is the fabric you asked for. It sure is a lovely shade of green.”

Mama looked up at her daughter. “Good afternoon, Desire. Thank you.”

              As she passed the fabric to her mother, Desire asked, “Are you making yourself a new dress?”

Mama looked up at her and winked. “I have plenty of dresses for myself, Desire. Actually, I am making a new dress for you.”

For me? Did Papa know about this?

“What will Papa think?” Desire stammered. She looked at her mother in disbelief.

“It was Papa’s idea, Desire. Now don’t say another word for fear he will change his mind. This is a special dress for the Celebration of the New Year.”

Without another word, Mama placed the fabric in the trunk then turned to Desire. “Now, we should begin dinner. Papa will not be home tonight so it’s just you and me.” Mama looked happy as she said those words; the house was always so peaceful when Papa was not home.

              They ate their dinner in silence, and then took their tea out to the front porch to enjoy the cool night breeze. A few of the women neighbours came over to visit and study the Bible with Mama, as well as plan the grand menu for the Celebration of the New Year. They were all married to church Elders. As the wife of a church Elder, one earned a higher status in the community. As an Elder’s wife, you were responsible for overseeing church meals and planning celebrations in addition to other duties, which included setting an example of obedience and duty for other wives to follow.

When the ladies arrived, Desire went upstairs to prepare her bath and get ready for bed. She filled the tub with steaming hot water and added some lavender oil. She removed her heavy skirt and stockings, white blouse, and underclothes. Then she unwrapped her bosom. Desire had an unusually large bosom compared to the other girls her age; even compared to Mama. When her bosom started to show, Mama showed her how to wrap them snug. Young girls were not permitted to wear their bosoms naturally until they were married. Unwrapping them each night was such a relief.

Although vanity was not permitted, a long mirror hung on the back of the bathing room door. The mirror was put there so she could be sure her clothes were clean and pressed each day and her hair was properly restrained. As she stood there naked in front of the mirror, she examined her body. Although she had never seen another person without their clothes on, she secretly wondered why they had to cover everything up. She thought that the human body was beautiful. Desire’s own skin was smooth and soft. As she stared at herself, she couldn’t help but wonder to herself.

If God made us in his own image, why would we not celebrate that? God did not make mistakes.

              She slipped into the tub and felt her muscles relax in the warm water. For some reason, her stomach was really cramping today. She started to rub her tender stomach and it started to feel better a little. Her hand brushed over her private parts and she felt a little tingly rush down there and it felt really nice. She brushed over it again and got that same warm, tingly feeling. Her hand continued to explore down there. She wasn’t exactly sure what her private parts were for, other than going pee, and couldn’t believe what she was feeling right now.

There was a little mound of soft flesh near the top of her private area that was throbbing, but in a good way. She continued to rub that spot and the more she did, the better it felt. She rubbed and rubbed and as she did her breathing started to quicken and the muscles in her thighs tensed. Her nipples became firm and stood straight up. She had a feeling similar to butterflies in the stomach when she is nervous, but this feeling was one of anticipation and knowing. Something deep inside told her that there was something bigger and more exciting coming with this feeling.

Desire didn’t know what was happening, but the feelings of pure pleasure were too intense for her to even think about stopping. While one hand started to caress one of her bosoms, the other hand did not stop rubbing that special little mound of pleasure she discovered. The room around her became a blur and when she thought she couldn’t take one more rush of pleasure, the whole world seemed to explode around her. Her whole body began shaking and a feeling of unspeakable pleasure washed over her entire body starting at her private parts and moving outward in all directions. It was almost too much to bear. The intensity did not remain long and soon after she felt like a limp rag. Laying in the tub, she waited for the ripples of after- pleasure to subside. Her privates continued throbbing as they recovered from what felt like an eruption. She lay in still in the tub; spent and confused but totally at peace.

What was that?

She sat up in the tub and looked around guiltily. She could feel that her cheeks were flushed. Her breathing slowly returned to normal and the tension in her thighs subsided. She quickly washed up, sure that someone, namely Papa, would be able to tell by looking at her that she had been evil.