Who We Are (5 page)

As she toweled herself dry, she suddenly felt a huge cramp in her stomach and when she looked down she saw she was standing in a pool of bright, red blood. The blood seemed to be coming from her private parts.

Oh no! God saw and has punished me!

She felt the world around her turning dark, and in her mind, she saw the pictures of the sinners burning as they were pushed off the side of the earth into the fiery pits of hells. That was the last image in her mind’s eye as she lost consciousness in a pool of blood, naked, on the bathroom floor.

“Desire… Desire… Wake up, sweetheart.” As she opened her eyes and the fog began to lift, she looked up to see Papa. She was laying in her bed, with pajamas on. It took her a moment to sort through in her head what had happened.

“Desire, I know what happened tonight.”

The events in the bathroom came flooding back to her and she started to cry hysterically. She did not want to imagine what punishment would lie ahead for her, but she knew it was sure to severe, painful and humiliating.

She looked at Papa staring down at her in silence and what she saw in his eyes almost made her faint once again. If she didn’t know any better, she saw love and tenderness when she expected to see disappointment and anger.

“Desire, what happened in the bathroom is a natural part of growing into a woman.”

What? Was he serious? Is that what all the girls in the town do?

“Desire, when a woman starts to bleed, it is a sign from God that he finds you worthy of bearing his fruit. I am proud of you, Desire, for now we know that you are in God’s good graces and this will be confirmed when he plants a seed in your womb.”

Her womb? Is that what her lady parts were called? She was so confused.

Obviously Papa was unaware of what she had been doing in the bathtub right before she started bleeding and she had no intention of volunteering that information.

              “Rest now and Mama will explain everything to you in the morning.” He leaned over and kissed her forehead, then rose from the side of her bed.

He paused at the door on his way out and turned back. He smiled at her and it sent a chill down her spine. She convinced herself it was just all the confusing events of the nights, concluding with Papa congratulating her rather than beating her senseless.

Outside her door, she heard Papa whispering to Mama, but could only catch bits and pieces of the conversation. “Elijah, I don’t understand why we go through this every month? Is there something wrong with her?” Mama whispered.

“She’s just fine. I am sure she just got a little confused, that’s all. Now stop asking so many damn silly questions.” Papa sounds irritated.

              Mama came in shortly after with a cup of lemon and ginger tea and sat on her bed with her. She handed Desire the tea cup. “Drink this. It will soothe your stomach.” She sat next to Desire on the bed and cradled her in her arms. Mama didn’t say much, just kissed her head a few times.

When she was done with the tea, Mama took the cup and saucer. “Tomorrow I will explain everything, my dear.” Desire was too exhausted to think any more about this strange night, so she closed her eyes and prayed for a dark and dreamless slumber.

             
There was a cake in front of her with dreamy white frosting and three teeny weeny candles sticking out of it. The candles were lit and everyone around her was singing a joyful song. She didn’t understand them. There was lots of clapping and cheering. She clapped her hands too and saw Mammy. She giggled. Mammy had something in front of her face and kept saying the word “Cheese!” Then a bright light burst in front of her face. It blinded her for a couple of seconds and when her vision returned to normal, she was laying in her bed at home and not in that strange and wonderful place in her dreams.

              As she got dressed the next morning, Desire felt a bulky feeling between her thighs, right at her private parts. She ran into the bathing room and looked in her underclothes. There was a large bulky cloth bundled between her legs and it was soaked in blood.

Oh dear, the blood was still coming, I knew was being punished! Did I ruin my body by touching it so?

Then she remembered Papa’s words to her last night. She sighed with relief. She put on her robe and started to head downstairs in her nightclothes.

Surely when one was bleeding they didn’t go to Bible study.

              “Good morning Desire, we need to sit and have a little chat about what happened last night.” Mama looked very serious.

Oh no, she knew!

She knew what other evil had gone on in the bathtub. Desire sat down shakily and Mama poured her a cup of tea. She then got a book and opened it up. She glanced at it while she was talking to her.

“Desire, when a young girl starts to become a woman, God changes your body in ways that seem scary at first. Your bosoms usually develop first. The larger a woman’s bosom, the more seeds God will plant in her womb. Deep inside your body, there is a little nest that God gives to all women. The nest is where he will plant the seed so that you may bear his gifts in the form of a son or a daughter.

              This little nest has to be warm and safe for a baby to grow. The nest has to stay clean as well. So once a month the nest will shed and a new one will form in your womb. When the nest sheds, it comes out in the form of blood through your private parts.

So what appears to be blood is actually part of your womb. This not something to be scared of, rather, it is something to be proud of. God has chosen you to bear his fruit. The hardest part about this is that it can be messy. The whole event can takes up to a week to finish.”

Mama went on to explain how to keep track of the bleeding and what to do to avoid making an embarrassing mess all over the place. Mama showed her a basket full of soft cottony pads that she should place in my underclothes to catch the blood.

“Now Desire, although this happens to every woman, it is not something to be talked about in public or with your friends. This is a very private matter. Any questions you have should be asked only of me.”

              Desire was so tired. This was all so sudden and confusing. She couldn’t believe this would happen every single month. Mama told her to go spend the day in bed so that she could get used to the feeling in her stomach.

As she lay in her bed, Desire couldn’t help but let her mind wander to what had happened in the tub right before the bleeding started. She had never felt anything like that before in her life, and part of her couldn’t wait to feel it again.

              She napped on and off during the morning. By lunchtime, she felt tired of lying in bed so she got dressed and went downstairs to have lunch with Mama. Mama had already walked over to the church to inform them that Desire was not well.

“Mama, why did Papa come home last night? I thought he had to stay at work for a few more days.” She knew better than to be so inquisitive but she couldn’t help it.

“Papa wanted to come home for a nice hot cup of tea and slice of pie.” And that was it, end of story.

That is strange. We don't even have any pie!

              After lunch, Mama told her to sit on the front porch and study her Bible. She read a little bit and then drifted off to sleep on the porch rocker.

              A couple hours later, Mama gently nudged her awake. She had brought out some tea and cookies. They sat in silence, much like the night before, but today Desire felt like a completely different person.

              “Mama, how does the baby seed get inside my womb?” Mama almost choked on her tea. “Sshhhh, Desire! We don’t speak of such things out in the open.”

If a baby was a gift from God, why did we need to be so secretive?

“Come inside, my dear.” Mama got the tea tray and they went into the kitchen and sat down.

Mama sighed a little, and then said, “Desire, God is mysterious and he has ways that we must not question. We don’t talk of such things because it is not our place to questions God’s will. All we know is that when God determines a woman is worthy to bear his fruit, he will plant a seed in her womb at a time that he feels is right. That is it. We have faith in God that he will bless us as he sees fit. Most of the time, God will wait until a woman has a husband, but occasionally he does not. Papa will make sure you find a suitable husband soon, hopefully before you are with child.”

             
With child? Was she serious? I did not want a husband or a child. She was not even sure what to do with a husband except to cook all his meals and wash his clothes! Did she really need a husband?

              “So does that mean that God might put his seed in me now?” She was terrified of the answer. Mama looked at her with a strangely desolate look in her eyes.

              “Yes Desire, God can now plant his seed in you now.”

Not wishing to discuss it any further, Mama retreated into her sewing room and Desire was sure she heard her start to sob a little bit.

              She went back upstairs and lay down. Her mind was exhausted and she finally fell deep into a dreamless sleep. She woke up in her room which was almost pitch-black except for a light glow from the moon.

She walked over and looked out her window. The town was pitch-black and she realized she had slept through dinner and into the night. She didn’t really mind because her stomach was still a little crampy and she wasn’t very hungry. Mama had left a glass of water and her evening vitamins on her desk for her. She sipped the water and swallowed her vitamins.

Staring out at the moon she wondered if anyone else was out there. Did people live on the moon? She looked around her room. Unless she wanted to do some sewing, there was nothing to do but sleep. She never really gave it much thought before, but it suddenly dawned on her that she spent a lot of time taking naps or sleeping. It was as though she was only conscious for part of her life and she passed the rest in the forms of strange but wonderful dreams or chunks of time that just seemed to disappear.

She didn’t think about this too much because Mama had assured her that this was normal. So instead of fighting it, she lay down on her bed and went back to sleep.

Chapter Four

              Preparing for the celebration of a New Year was the happiest time of the year in Hemac. Desire could hardly conceal her excitement. Flowers were in full bloom ready for picking and decorating. All the women were busy planning an endless bounty of food that would be prepared for everyone in the town. There would be baked hams with pineapple and sugar glaze, roasted chickens stuffed with bread and spices, pork and beef ribs, meat pies, and every vegetable they could grow, including every type of prepared potato: mashed with garlic, fire-roasted with onions, scalloped with cream, and baked with chives An entire table would be dedicated to freshly baked rolls, cheese breads and sourdough biscuits. Who could even sleep in anticipation of the sweet table? Every kind of cake, pie, tart and square one could imagine would be available, not to mention fudge, taffy, marshmallows and peanut-butter buddies. Desire hoped there would be a tray or two of hand-poured chocolate bon bons and lollipops.

              The adult table would have fine wines, beer and liquor to go along with the stinky cigars that the men would smoke all night.

This year, Desire’s mother was appointed head of the Food Committee. Desire had also been given a special job by the church elders; she was in charge of planning the fun and games for the school children. She could hardly believe it. Not only were children normally not invited to the Celebration, Desire felt surprised that she had been given such a big responsibility, especially after all that had happened. She wondered why the Elders had changed their minds about children attending, and, even more so, why they had chosen her.  Desire would just have to wonder, as asking too many questions would only bring her trouble. 

There would be a social tea after church this Sunday so that all the women could all gather together and plan. The heads of each committee would recruit volunteers. The Food Committee would divvy up the cooking and baking. The Hall Committee made up of men would co-ordinate who would set up the hall and hang the decorations as instructed. Desire couldn’t wait to see who would line up to join her Fun & Games Committee. Her committee sounded like so much fun, she imagined that she would have far more volunteers than she needed. She sat at the kitchen table and started to design a beautiful sign-up sheet.

Maybe it was the gaiety of the celebration, but Papa seemed a little bit happier and more relaxed these days. Surprisingly, when he saw Desire designing her registration sheet, he went into his office and brought back a little box. He handed it to her. “Here, Desire. These will assure you have the loveliest poster of all.” When she looked inside the box, she saw that it contained a brand new supply of beautiful coloured pencils. There were so many beautiful colours, twenty-four in total. She was speechless by this kind gesture! After she had finished school last year, she had given her own coloured pencils to the church so the children could do artwork during Bible school. She beamed at Papa and thanked him sincerely. When she was done, she felt sure all the other girls and boys her age would run to sign up.