Why Men Love Bitches (12 page)

The explanation may sound obvious, but it’s not: A man needs to feel “manly.” That’s why he won’t stop to ask for directions. It doesn’t matter if you tell him that six exits ago he was supposed to go west. He’ll still push the pedal to the metal and hightail it in the opposite direction. Men don’t get lost. They merely…

• “Get familiar with another area.”
  
• “Change destinations.”
  
• “Look to see what is down another street.”
  
• “Explore new terrain.”
  

He’s never lost. No, Inspector Gadget is merely “checking things out” in every last square foot of a 37-mile radius that is outside the intended destination.

If you want him to turn right, tell him “I think it might be to the left.” In a man’s mind, his navigation skills will always be superior to a woman’s. It’s all about his ego, which has no direction and no line of rotation.

The three words guaranteed to turn any man on? “You are right.” You’ll never convince him otherwise, so don’t bother trying.

Let him be
right
. You be
smart
. This is precisely the reason the dumb fox lets a man think he’s in control. When you appeal to his feeling of power, you “charge up his batteries.” Then you’re giving him what he needs and he
doesn’t even
know it.

A couple of times a week when he’s kind or generous, let him know he’s the top dog. Make him feel as though he’s the alpha-dog and the Grand Poo-Bah. He wears the pants, and he is the man. Meanwhile, guess who is getting her way?

My friend Annette learned this the hard way. She made the mistake of telling her new boyfriend about how she had killed a snake in her backyard. He asked her, “How in the world did you kill it?” She went on in detail about how she used a very large shovel to “do battle.” A look of complete and utter horror came over his face as she gave him a graphic play-by-play of the brutal “massacre.” Later that night, he couldn’t get an erection.

An obvious “penile” code infraction: When you act too much like Tarzan, he feels too much like Jane. Don’t even kill a bug when he’s around. Don’t change a tire. In fact, don’t even change a light bulb. (Heaven forbid, sister.)

For any red-blooded male, the feeling that he is the “man” is the ticket. This doesn’t mean that you should be docile all the time. At the same time that you show him you offer him “a mental challenge,” remember that he needs to have his ego stroked. There is a very big difference between catering to his ego and appearing
needy
. You shouldn’t show that you “need” him to help you with:

• Common sense
  
• Coping with everyday life
  
• Emotional stability
  
• Reassurance of your self-worth
  
• Self-esteem
  
• Feeling complete as a person
  

These things signify
neediness
. However, you
can
show that you need and appreciate his
masculinity
. He’ll absolutely eat out of your hand when he feels that you like his “manliness” or that you admire his…brawn.

Praise is an effective tool in getting him to treat you the way you want. Don’t complain, “Well, you
used
to bring me flowers.” From this point forward, every bouquet he gives you is the “prettiest you have ever seen.” Don’t complain that he doesn’t take you out enough. Instead, every restaurant he takes you to is “unbelievable” or “amazing.”

When he asks if you’ve been to the restaurant before, don’t tell him about the two ex-boyfriends who took you to the very same romantic corner table you are now sitting at. (Unless you never want to go back to that restaurant again.)

Whenever you give a man the impression that you want to “wear the pants,” you’ll almost always have a battle on your hands, in which case, congrats—you’ve become his opponent. If he competes, he plays to win at your expense, and good luck getting anything that way.

Men need a little coaching, and the way to coach them is to praise them when they behave well. A man’s favorite word? “Best.” It doesn’t matter if you say, “Honey, you eat those beer nuts the best—like no one I have ever met in my life.” Use the word
best,
and you’ll always have his full attention.

Make friends
with his ego. For example, suppose you live together and he wants to help decorate. Chances are at some point he will have a need to “express” his virility by hanging something on the wall. (Something that clashes with
everything
.) When he gleefully breaks out those elephant tusks, the African sword, or the 1986 Super Bowl poster that he calls “art,” keep a straight face and appear sincere. “Yes, honey, Grandpa’s eighteenth-century rifle is to die for!” Then immediately enlist his “much needed help” in decorating the garage or the basement.

Want him to pitch in around the house? Just make him feel needed (i.e., powerful). Give him little assignments. It doesn’t matter if you ask him to program the VCR or help hang a photo on the wall. When he uses that noisy electric drill, he will feel just like Rambo. When the picture hangs crooked—and it will—pretend it’s perfect. Simply wait until he leaves the room and then straighten it.

When he hands over that paycheck, thank him for working so hard for “the benefit of everyone in the family.” Again, wait until he leaves the room. Then review the stub to make sure that he got paid all of his overtime.

Remember, when he behaves like a man and he treats you well, pay a little “homage” to that ego. He should feel like Conan the Barbarian a couple of times a week.

Whenever he does something handy around the house like putting up a shelf, praise him. It doesn’t matter if the shelf hangs at a 45-degree angle and the stuff keeps sliding off the other end. Clap like the happiest seal at the zoo, and then have a handyman come over to fix it when he isn’t around. The minute you say, “It’s crooked,” it’s all over. He’ll never do anything handy around the house again. It will make him feel worse than a little kid who got scolded in arts and crafts class.

Men have big egos and they need to have them stroked. This is what the “dumb fox” does. In small ways, she makes him feel like he is the King Kong of her world. Here are a few more dumb fox tips on how to make him feel “studly.”

• If you’re walking your dog at dusk, ask him to come with you because you want him to “keep you safe.”
  
• If he kills a little bug, look away. And don’t turn back around until he lets you know he has “secured the premises.”
  
• If you hear a noise at night (like a bird pooping on the roof), act really scared. Tell him to check to see “what that noise is about.”
  
• After he checks out the source of the noise, tell him you like having him in the house or apartment because it makes you “feel so much safer.”
  
• Ask him to open a jar that you can’t open (even if you can) or unzip your dress (even if you can reach it). Or, you can ask him to lift a small box for you.
  
• At a scary movie, hang on to him tightly. If there’s violence, cover your eyes and let him tell you when it’s over.
  
• If it’s cold outside, crawl under his coat and hang on to him for warmth.
  
• Let him move a piece of furniture (even one you could move yourself). When he does this with ease, tell him how heavy it was. “You are so strong! Gee, I don’t know how you moved that.”
  
• Let him parallel park your car or back it out of a tight spot. If you tell him he’s a “much better driver” than you are, he’ll really be eating out of your hand. He’ll probably wash your car or fill your tank with gas.
  

Handling his ego with kid gloves is as easy as learning your
A-B-C
s. When her child brings home a crayon drawing from kindergarten-no matter how ugly it is-a mother doesn’t criticize it. She’d never say, “Is that a dog or a cow? Hey kid—don’t quit your day job.” Instead she tells him, “This is a masterpiece!” Then the child thinks he is the next Picasso, and he draws ten more pictures.

Praise is important. When he takes you out to eat, say thank-you
once
at dinner, and again when you say good night. The nice girl often makes the mistake of saying thank-you over and over. Then she calls the following day to say thank-you three times on his answering machine. As though no one’s ever bought her a hot meal before.

In the beginning, without question let
him
pay for dinner. After you’ve been dating for a while, you can reciprocate. But don’t do a 50/50 split or go Dutch—he’s not a long-lost professional colleague.

When a man is really crazy about a woman, he isn’t concerned with splitting a check. He won’t say, “You had the turkey salad and I had the beef. So your total comes to…” If he adores her, he won’t be thinking about petty cash. What he’ll be thinking about is how he can win her over.

If he can’t afford it, suggest an inexpensive place or do something that doesn’t cost money. Visit a museum. Go on a bike ride. Split a dinner plate, and don’t order alcohol. However, if he asks you to split the check on the first few dates, don’t see him again. It has less to do with a few dollars than with the fact that he’s not very concerned with impressing you. And that’s never a good sign.