Why Not Me? (24 page)

Mindy Kaling

Latin Teacher, High School

The Dalton School

108 E 89th St, New York, NY 10128

(212) 555-1445 (work)

(617) 453-8688 (cell)

Tumblr: aromeofonesown.tumblr.com

AIM handle: LatinLover1979

—You can also catch me on Facebook—

“Since you been gone, I can breathe for the first time.”—Kelly Clarkson

From:
Lindsay Kellogg

To:
Mindy Kaling

Subject:
RE: RE: RE: hi! And, favor.

Date:
Wed, Sep 7, 2005

Yeah ok I won’t “bring any coke with me.” ;-)

I will bring Seth.

Lindsay Kellogg

Vice President, Private Wealth Advisor

Goldman, Sachs & Co.

200 West Street

New York, NY 10282

United States

(212) 902-1000

This message w/attachments (message) is intended solely for the use of the intended recipient(s) and may contain information that is privileged, confidential or proprietary. If you are not an intended recipient, please notify the sender, and then please delete and destroy all copies and attachments, and be advised that any review or dissemination of, or the taking of any action in reliance on, the information contained in or attached to this message is prohibited.

     THURSDAY     

From:
Mindy Kaling

To:
Sam Cook

Subject:
Ugh

Date:
Thurs, Sep 8, 2005

Dear Sam,

I hope you don’t mind me writing, but I was passing by your office and heard Henry Guilford’s parents yelling at you, even though the door was closed. I know it sounds like I was eavesdropping but I swear I wasn’t!

I just wanted to say that a) it sounded awful b) Henry Guilford is a little shit, and c) they have yelled at me too. Henry wrote an essay sophomore year on Cicero that read like a Columbia undergrad’s thesis presentation, which I’m almost certain it was. There’s no way a kid whose YouTube channel is videos of him tripping bike messengers and filming it could have written that essay.

Anyway, just because this school has a lot of rich kids I don’t think their parents should be able to just scream at us. And if it makes you feel any better, at assembly just last week, I heard some junior girls saying that you were the best history teacher in the department. Wow, I guess I do eavesdrop a lot.

Mindy

P.S. Should you reconsider coming to my party, I think you’ll find it a really memorable evening. Plus I’m really worried no one’s going to come.

Mindy Kaling

Latin Teacher, High School

The Dalton School

108 E 89th St, New York, NY 10128

(212) 555-1445 (work)

(617) 453-8688 (cell)

Tumblr: aromeofonesown.tumblr.com

AIM handle: LatinLover1979

—You can also catch me on Facebook—

“Ladies leave yo man at home, the club is full of ballas and they pockets full grown.” —Destiny’s Child

From:
Sam Cook

To:
Mindy Kaling

Subject:
RE: Ugh

Date:
Thurs, Sep 8, 2005

Mindy,

I’m sorry you heard that. In the middle of Carol Guilford’s screaming at me about my grading system, my mind began to wander. I took this teaching job all those years ago so I could spend the summers writing a novel, but I’ve written nothing, and yet I still have this job.

You wouldn’t want me at your party, I’m fifteen years older than virtually everyone else attending. I also could not begin to understand what the dress code “Upscale Autumn” means.

Thank you for your kind note.

Sam

Sam Cook

US History, High School

Chair, History Department

The Dalton School

108 E 89th St, New York, NY 10128

From:
Mindy Kaling

To:
Sam Cook

Subject:
RE: RE: Ugh

Date:
Thurs, Sep 8, 2005

You’re writing a novel? I’ve never even
read
a novel. I guess that’s not true, I’ve read
Bridget Jones’s Diary
and the sequel, but besides that, not much. I know, v. depressing. Don’t worry about the dress code, I only did that for Madame Burkholtz and the rest of the French Department. You would think people who specialize in Romance languages would dress better! I think you dress nicely, though I’ve never really thought about it. You look like a presidential candidate during the Depression.

I better go finish burning CDs for the party. See ya!

MK

     FRIDAY     

From:
Mindy Kaling

To:
Jim Dufault

Subject:
Hello

Date:
Fri, Sep 9, 2005

Dear Big Jim,

First, a compliment. The hallways have been looking so clean this year and I see almost no gum jammed in the hinges of any lockers. The custodial staff has a very challenging job and I commend you. Second, a short funny story: I am so used to calling you “Big Jim” that I realized I didn’t actually know your last name. Then I found out it was Dufault, which is so beautiful. What is your ancestry?

I was also wondering if I could borrow a couple of the plastic garbage bins, if the janitorial department could spare them. I’d like to use them as drink coolers for a party I’m having this weekend, which you are
of course
invited to. And while I’m asking for things, maybe I could take a few rolls of paper towels. I think there are quite a few of them in the supply closet and I doubt that anyone would miss them here at school.

With utmost respect for what you do,

Mindy Kaling

Mindy Kaling

Latin Teacher, High School

The Dalton School

108 E 89th St, New York, NY 10128

(212) 555-1445 (work)

(617) 453-8688 (cell)

Tumblr: aromeofonesown.tumblr.com

AIM handle: LatinLover1979

—You can also catch me on Facebook—

“Ladies leave yo man at home, the club is full of ballas and they pockets full grown.” —Destiny’s Child

From:
Sam Cook

To:
Susan Cook-Velazquez

Subject:
babysitting?

Date:
Fri, Sep 9, 2005

Suze,

By any chance, are you free tomorrow night if I dropped Molly off? She has homework and she says that at ten she “really doesn’t need babysitting anymore.” I know it’s last minute, but a work thing came up.

Your loving brother,

Sam

Sam Cook

US History, High School

Chair, History Department

The Dalton School

108 E 89th St, New York, NY 10128

From:
Mindy Kaling

To:
Madeleine Resnick-Klein

Subject:
Hello

Date:
Fri, Sep 9, 2005

Dear Madeleine,

I cannot begin to tell you how upset I am that I was twenty minutes late to our scheduled meeting this afternoon to discuss the National Latin Exam. A headmistress shouldn’t have to deal with extreme tardiness from teachers in addition to your other responsibilities.

I’ll be honest, a younger version of me would’ve lied and told you it was because I had subway trouble. But, if I’ve learned anything from my recent breakup, it’s that I only have room for truth in my life. And if I expect it from my lovers, I must be honest with people in my professional life like you. The truth is, I did not have subway trouble, I was at the European Wax Center on 63rd Street getting waxed for a party tomorrow night, and I passed out when they were waxing a sensitive area. When I came to, I realized I was late, raced over to our meeting, and thus we find ourselves in our present situation.

Actually, this is a good opportunity to encourage to you to attend my party. Please come!

Very sorry,

Mindy Kaling

Mindy Kaling

Latin Teacher, High School

The Dalton School

108 E 89th St, New York, NY 10128

(212) 555-1445 (work)

(617) 453-8688 (cell)

Tumblr: aromeofonesown.tumblr.com

AIM handle: LatinLover1979

—You can also catch me on Facebook—

“Ladies leave yo man at home, the club is full of ballas and they pockets full grown.” —Destiny’s Child

From:
Madeleine Resnick-Klein

To:
Mindy Kaling

Subject:
RE: Hello

Date:
Fri, Sep 9, 2005

Ms. Kaling,

Your excuse is inappropriate, your email is inappropriate, please never be late again, and change your email signature. I will not be attending your party.

Madeleine

Madeleine Resnick-Klein, PhD

Headmistress

The Dalton School

108 E 89th St, New York, NY 10128

From:
Susan Cook-Velazquez

To:
Sam Cook

Subject:
RE: babysitting?

Date:
Fri, Sep 9, 2005

Sure I can take Molls. I’m intrigued about this “Saturday night work event.” I think that sounds like a really good thing for you, professionally. ;-)

Can I ask more about it?

xo

From:
Lindsay Kellogg

To:
Mindy Kaling

Subject:
Yo

Date:
Fri, Sep 9, 2005

If I’m gonna bring Seth to the party, there better be some single guys there

And not any Teach For America bullshit

Someone legit cute

Dude I need to have sex

Lindsay Kellogg

Vice President, Private Wealth Advisor

Goldman, Sachs & Co.

200 West Street

New York, NY 10282

United States

(212) 902-1000

This message w/attachments (message) is intended solely for the use of the intended recipient(s) and may contain information that is privileged, confidential or proprietary. If you are not an intended recipient, please notify the sender, and then please delete and destroy all copies and attachments, and be advised that any review or dissemination of, or the taking of any action in reliance on, the information contained in or attached to this message is prohibited.

From:
Mindy Kaling

To:
Sam Cook

Subject:
cupid

Date:
Fri, Sep 9, 2005

Dear Sam,

I know you said you’re not coming to the party,
buuuuuuuut
: