Why Women Have Sex (20 page)

A study of twenty-five thousand people from a variety of ethnic groups in the United States found most people responded to pangs of jealousy in similar ways. They were obsessed with painful thoughts of their loved ones being with someone else, and they sought out evidence of their fears—listening in on their loved ones’ telephone conversations, following them, and snooping through their personal belongings in search of names or telephone numbers of potential rivals.

Although some of the jealous behaviors seem irrational, evidence suggests that they have an underlying adaptive logic. Consider the following case:

One Christmas Eve, a man looked across the street and thought that he observed the neighbor’s window lights flashing in synchrony
with the lights of the Christmas tree in his own house. He concluded with utter certainty that his wife was having an affair. When brought to counseling by his wife, the man was declared to be “delusional” and to suffer from pathological jealousy.

Certainly, there was an irrational component to the man’s jealousy: The Christmas tree lights weren’t synchronized. But the husband turned out to be correct in his suspicions! His wife was indeed having a torrid love affair, and was even having it with the neighbor he suspected. Some psychologists propose that jealousy reflects
emotional wisdom,
which gets activated when there is a genuine or possible threat to a romantic relationship. Jealousy flares not just by immediate threats, but also by threats lurking on the horizon of a relationship, such as the observation that one’s partner just doesn’t seem to want to have sex anymore.

Because infidelity and betrayal are often cloaked in great secrecy, their detection often must be based on cues that are only probabilistically related to betrayal. Like a smoke alarm that goes off when there is no fire, people who incline toward jealousy make what psychologist Paul Ekman calls “Othello’s error.” In his book
Emotions Revealed
, Ekman recalls the story of Othello and Desdemona, as told in Shakespeare’s play. When Othello demands that Desdemona confess to her adultery and betrayal, she asks that he have his presumed rival, Cassio, stand as witness to her fidelity. Othello then reveals that he has killed Cassio. This throws Desdemona into a fit of grief—and Othello assumes that she is weeping over her dead lover. According to Ekman, “Othello’s mistake was not a failure to recognize how Desdemona felt; he knew she was anguished and afraid. His error was in believing that emotions only have one source, in interpreting her anguish as due to the news of her supposed lover’s death, and her fear as that of an unfaithful wife who has been caught in her betrayal. He kills her without considering that her anguish and fear could have different sources: that they were the reactions of an innocent woman who knew her intensely jealous husband was about to kill her, and that there was no way she could prove her innocence.”

The most extreme response to jealousy is seriously punishing or murdering the partner—the flip side of the revenge exacted (or pined for) against rivals that we considered in the previous chapter. It is far
more common for men to abuse or kill women out of jealousy than vice versa. Statistics from women’s shelters indicate that about two-thirds of women who seek shelter do so because their partner’s excessive jealousy had led to assault. Indeed, male jealousy is the leading cause of wife battering and homicide worldwide.

Individuals differ in how they cope with their jealous feelings. Some turn a blind eye, some try to figure out what it was about themselves that led their partner astray and try to change those things, and some try to eliminate the rival in less violent ways. In our study, jealousy led a number of women to use sex in an attempt to eliminate a rival:

[My] ex was talking to this girl who annoyed me and I really disliked. When the opportunity arose to have sex with him, I took it. I knew he’d tell her and the thought made me happy.

—heterosexual woman, age 24

[My] ex-boyfriend had slept with another girl and I slept with him again and it seems that part of my reason for doing this might have been in hopes of making that other girl jealous.

—predominantly heterosexual woman, age 20

Another response to jealousy involves trying to control a loved one’s behavior. Historically, it was almost always men who used this tactic. In medieval times, the nobility locked their wives up with chastity belts to ensure their fidelity. Today, many cultures practice what is referred to as female circumcision or female genital mutilation. Experts estimate that between 80 and 120 million women worldwide have been subjected to some form of cutting of their external genitals during childhood or at puberty. The practice is currently prevalent in twenty-nine countries, most in Africa, but it is also practiced in the Middle East, Indonesia, and elsewhere. Female genital mutilation is particularly associated with Islamic cultures, and although it is not prescribed in the Qur’an, it is referred
to favorably in later Islamic texts and is often perceived to have religious significance.

There are three main types of female genital mutilation.
Sunnah
(an Arabic word referring to a traditional religious obligation) is the least invasive form and involves having the clitoral hood incised or removed. Clitoridectomy, a second type, involves having the entire clitoral gland and shaft removed, along with the hood and sometimes nearby portions of the inner labia. Infibulation, which is widely practiced in the Sudan, is the most invasive form of female circumcision. The procedure includes having a clitoridectomy performed but also involves removal of the entire inner labia and the interior parts of the outer labia. The cut or abraded edges of the two outer labia are then stitched together, leaving only a small opening for the passage of urine and menstrual blood. The opening has to be enlarged when the woman first has intercourse, and is often subsequently restitched.

Some cultures that subscribe to these practices believe that a woman who retains her clitoris is ritually unclean or dangerous to the health of a man who has sex with her. The likely underlying aim of the practice, however, is to reduce female sexual desire and activity, especially outside of or before marriage. Removing the clitoris decreases the pleasure of sexual acts, while infibulation makes penetration physically impossible and any kind of genital contact uncomfortable. In many cultures that practice female circumcision, a woman who has not undergone the procedure is not marriageable.

The long-term effects of female circumcision are controversial, especially around infibulation, which can cause serious problems with urination, menstruation, intercourse, childbirth, and fertility. The degree to which the less severe forms impact a woman’s ability to have an orgasm or receive sexual pleasure are unclear, given that the practice is generally done before a woman has had any sexual experiences with which to compare the impact of circumcision. Some research indicates that the ability to attain orgasm is not necessarily lost with having only the clitoral hood, or possibly even portions of the clitoral gland, removed. But that is not true of infibulation, where there is often nerve damage that impairs a woman’s ability to have an orgasm or
even experience physical sexual arousal. Recently, scientists have attempted to surgically replace or repair nerves damaged with this surgery and have shown promise in being able to improve women’s sexual pleasure. In the United States, female circumcision was made illegal in 1996. Some African governments have recently banned or strictly limited the practice, although these bans have not had much impact to date.

Given these wide-ranging and serious consequences of provoking jealousy, it seems at first blush strange that some women would have sex intentionally to raise the “green-eyed monster.” But they do.

There is a saying that goes, “whatever you won’t do, some other sister is dying to.” Dating cheaters teaches you what most people think but won’t admit. If your partner is sexually satisfied, the likelihood of him cheating is lessened (this is of course unless he is a big fat cheater, in which case he will cheat no matter what).

—heterosexual woman, age 28

All is fair in love and war, and the intentional evocation of jealousy in a partner is a perfect illustration. In fact, women report evoking jealousy in partners more than men do—31 percent versus 17 percent, according to one study—and use several tactics, all involving sexual behavior.

The most common tactic women use to provoke jealousy is casually mentioning how attractive other men find them—dropping into conversation that a man made a pass, brushed up against them, or asked for a phone number. Another tactic involves flirting with another man in the partner’s presence. Sometimes a mere smile will do. Here, gender makes a difference, because men often interpret a woman’s smiles as signalling sexual interest, an invitation to approach, and men often act on these perceived signals. Some women evoke jealousy by dancing sensuously with another person in her partner’s presence. Others talk about past relationships. Men (and women) sometimes suppress their emotions when this happens. People conceal their jealousy so that they don’t appear
threatened, covering up an emotion that might betray genuine feelings of insecurity about the relationship. But often they seethe with jealousy inside.

Why would women intentionally evoke jealousy, given that it is a dangerous emotion, known to be linked to physical violence and even murder? One clue comes from the circumstances in which women use the tactic. Although many couples are equally committed to each other, a substantial minority—39 percent according to one study—exhibit an involvement imbalance in which one partner is more committed to the relationship than the other. Within this group, when the man is the more committed partner, only 26 percent of women report intentionally evoking jealousy. In sharp contrast, when the woman is more committed to the relationship, 50 percent of the women resort to jealousy evocation.

Women’s strategic provocation of a partner’s jealousy serves three functions. First, it increases her partner’s perception of her desirability. The sexual interest of others is a gauge of a partner’s overall mate value. Second, a partner’s response to a jealousy-triggering situation provides a litmus test of the level of his or her commitment. For example, if a man is indifferent when his partner sits seductively in another man’s lap, it may signal a lack of allegiance, and the level of his jealousy can be a signal of the depth of his emotional dedication to the relationship. Perhaps most important is the third function—to
increase
a partner’s commitment. This is especially true among men, who are much more likely to commit to a woman whom they perceive to be highly desired by other men. A jealous man becomes more smitten, comes to believe that he is lucky to be with his partner, and so doubles his dedication.

Rather than merely activating a man’s sexual interest, some women have sex with a stranger in an attempt to increase their partner’s perceptions of their desirability. Several women wrote about situations where they used jealousy evocation tactics. In most cases, it did not achieve what they had hoped:

I was in love with someone of the same sex and it was not reciprocated, so I had sex with someone of the opposite sex to try to make her jealous . . . it did not work.

—bisexual woman, age 27

When I was twenty, my boyfriend of two years and I broke up. He had fooled around with another girl. So I then slept with his fraternity brother—one of his best friends. I told myself that it was to hurt my ex, but in reality, I did it because I wanted him to be jealous and want me back. That backfired, of course. He not only didn’t want me back, but all the guys in the fraternity had a very low opinion of me, including the guy I slept with (sort of a double standard there).

—predominantly heterosexual woman, age 28

One woman described how trying to evoke a partner’s jealousy ended badly:

My boyfriend and I broke up, and to make him jealous, I slept with one of his friends at a party shortly thereafter. I was intoxicated, deeply hurt, and his friend was obviously attracted to me. Long story short, we slept together, and it was horrible. I felt awful about it, and my ex was devastated. A line was crossed that night, and it’s never been the same since between my ex and [me]. We’re still involved in each other’s lives, but he has absolutely no trust in me whatsoever and I just wish I had never done what I did.

—heterosexual woman, age 22

And sometimes the tactic backfires and ends the relationship altogether:

I was disappointed with a relationship at that time. I decided to make my partner jealous so that I would be treated better, I guess. But the relationship ended instantly. I decided it was not worth playing games anymore.

—predominantly heterosexual woman, age 23

One main reason that the tactic of having sex with others fails to increase commitment is that people usually desire sexual fidelity in a long-term mate. Studies from the Buss Evolutionary Psychology Lab show that women rank “sexual fidelity” as the second-most valued trait in a long-term mate, right after the most valued (but obviously related) trait of “honesty.” Men in the past who were indifferent to their partners’ having sex with other men are not our evolutionary ancestors. Modern men are descendants of men who prized sexual fidelity, reserved their commitment for women who demonstrated fidelity (or enforced a demonstration of fidelity on them), and cut their losses with women who did not. Many women are fully aware of this dynamic—which may be why there is still more emphasis on maintaining sexual reputation, and sullying the reputations of rivals, among women than among men. Evoking jealousy through sex with external partners can jeopardize the often fragile bond of long-term mating.