Wicked Steps (19 page)

Ellery

I woke up drenched in sweat. Fear paralyzed my thoughts. I got out of bed and discarded my pajamas, grabbing a pair of lounge pants and a tank. My bottom sheet was soaked. I didn’t have the strength to put a fresh one on the bed.

I padded downstairs and got a glass of water. The grandfather clock announced loudly it was midnight—another seven hours before it was even time to get up. I wished I had something for sleep, but I’d never suffered from insomnia. This was a fluke because of stress and worry. I strolled into the library and sat in the big chair by the fireplace. Picking up a book, I had high hopes it would make me sleepy. But my body was too anxious, and no matter what the page said, my thoughts drifted to what could be. My life had become complicated since the night I met Hartman. For everything I thought I’d gain, none of it had been worth it.

Now I feared for my life expectancy. I’d known happiness for roughly twenty-four hours. Kieran had showed me what he wanted our life to be. But no matter which way this went, we could never be. The stigma of our relationship would rock the social ladder.

I bent my head and prayed to God to give me the will to walk away no matter what, because he would never do it. Regardless of how much Kieran thought he needed me, at his age, it was all about getting what he wanted. If we came out, the media would dig. And they wouldn’t give up until they revealed the extremely private artist Wicked as Kieran Wick.

Our affair would be a minor blip in the art world. He was too valued as an artist. But as the estranged son of Hartman Wick, the one who disappeared ten years ago, they would have a field day. The media would attribute our romance to an older woman having a boy toy. I could deal with most of that backlash, being touted a cradle robber or a cougar. But it would only get worse from there. Because the most salacious gossip wouldn’t be his age, but that he was my stepson. It didn’t matter that we weren’t blood related and his father had died before I even knew he existed. That scandal would be so tawdry it would be in the tabloids for years.

It wasn’t the book in my hands that made me tired, but my thoughts. I needed to close my eyes and rest my conscience. I started to go back to my room, then changed my mind, quietly opening his bedroom door. The light from the hall fell on his body as he lay in bed. I heard a light snoring as I watched him for a moment, his hair mussed and his lips pursed. He looked angelic, and for a moment, I thought I should leave, but the scent of musk always drew me to him.

He was in the middle of the bed, and I used my body to push him over slightly so I could lie down. His body shifted as he became aware of me.

“What’s wrong? Are you okay?” His voice was groggy with sleep.

I snuggled into him, feeling warmth radiating off him. He positioned himself so he could fit me in the crook of his arm and I could rest my head on his chest.

“I couldn’t sleep. I’m sorry I woke you,” I whispered into his body.

He pressed me tighter into his side. “I’m glad you did. Now close your eyes, Elle.”

“Did I tell you how much I like it when you call me Elle?” I murmured. “Your father always called me Ellery. Please don’t ever call me by that name again.”

“I won’t, baby. I guess that means we’re friends?” I heard him whisper as he yawned.

I shut my eyes and dreamed of what could have been.

* * *

“I’ll be sitting in the waiting room. I won’t leave. If you need me, just tell the nurse and I’ll come.”

Coco looked at Kieran and me. “She’ll be fine. I’ll be holding her hand. You can be spiritual support.” She chuckled.

He looked agitated. I watched as he paced back and forth with a scowl on his face. Seeing him so worried put my anxiety on high alert.

“Don’t worry, Elle. You’ll be fine. Just think positive. I don’t know about him, though. He’s kind of a mess—well, a hot mess—but he’s acting as though you’re giving birth. This should act as a cautionary tale. Never give that man a child,” she said, winking at me.

I knew she had concerns, too, but one thing about my best friend: she knew how to put on a brave face.

I looked at him with an assuring glance as the nurse took Coco and me back.

I had a very extensive pelvic exam. I was prodded, scrapped, and swabbed. Dr. Eisley was nothing if not thorough. He talked to us for an hour and explained every single test he was going to do. His plan was to leave nothing to chance. I asked Coco to leave when he announced he was going to do a rectal. She reluctantly gave in after much pleading on my part. I didn’t want her to know of the specific injuries I had sustained at Hartman’s hands, and I certainly didn’t want her to see my scars. It was a humiliation I didn’t wish to share with anyone; it was bad enough Kieran knew, but now the doctor and nurse were in the room.

“You have significant scar tissue; I’ll need to get a few swabs just to make sure I didn’t miss anything. I need you to relax.”

There was no chance of that happening because I had no idea if he was talking about the flesh on my back or inside me. I closed my eyes, attempting to block out the memories as they flooded back.

“Can I ask you, Mrs. Wick, when was the last time you had—” He stopped abruptly. I could tell he was searching for proper wording. This went beyond degradation. “Anal sex?”

Shame flooded my face, and I was happy my body was turned away from him. I wished I had gone to my own doctor. This was reminiscent of when I’d ended up in the emergency room after Hartman had brutalized me. “It’s Ms., and please call me Ellery. I think we’re way past pleasantries considering what you’re doing.”

“All right, Ellery,” he said, clearing his throat. “I know Hartman’s prognosis was terminal. But I need to know when the last time was you two engaged in this type of activity. I don’t see this kind of internal damage in a female too often. That’s why I’m asking. Having a time frame will help me decide what tests should be done.” I felt the sheet cover me and heard the snapping of gloves as he removed them.

“You can sit up now. Let’s talk. You can tell me anything, patient confidentiality. But I need you to be honest with me, no candy coating. Trust me. I’ve heard it all.”

I revealed everything. I explained that almost immediately after I married Hartman, I had gone to my OB-GYN and gotten an IUD. I’d heard too many whispers and innuendos that had raised a red flag, so I wanted to make sure I’d never get pregnant. After some time, I knew I had made the right decision. I would never want a child by that savage. After he could no longer get an erection, he chose other objects to penetrate me. When nothing worked for the ED, it only infuriated him more, and my lower back and buttocks became the recipient of that fury when he used a belt or flogger. The last time, I was so badly injured I had to go to the emergency room.

As soon as Dr. Eisley heard about my ER visit, he quickly had the nurse contact the hospital and have all reports as well as the X-rays sent over. I didn’t think I’d ever forget the look on his face as he viewed my pictures. I wasn’t a physician, but seeing what he’d done to me internally, backlit in the examination room, made me inhale a sob.

“All that damage you’re seeing on the X-rays has healed. You’re fine, Ellery. In time, the outer scarring will also fade. There are several good treatments available over the counter. I do suggest you refrain from that sort of sexual contact permanently. I assume you’ve been totally honest with me—no bleeding, pain, and all functions normal?”

“I would never hide that. I’m scared shitless right now.”

Dr. Eisley rolled his stool over to me. “I’ve known Kieran since he was five.”

I cringed.
Here we go.
Child molester. Cougar. Wanton woman. Whore.

“I know everything he went through. Losing his mother almost killed him. I watched him struggle with her premature death—one that could have been prevented—and on top of that, finding out his father was responsible. I know him. He hasn’t shown concern about anything or anyone since she passed. I certainly haven’t seen him this distraught since that time. Ultimately, he cares for you. I will do whatever is in my power to make sure you’re healthy. If anyone deserves a reprieve, it’s you and him.”

So he knows everything about Kieran and me
.

“This question may be a little tougher for you. But it’s in everyone’s best interest to be truthful. I’m not judging; it’s none of my business.”

Oh shit
.

“Have you and he had sex, and was it vaginal?”

Someone kill me now.
I wanted to curl up in a ball and die. Couldn’t he have asked Kieran?

Along with sweating, I stammered. “Um… well… yes. But with condoms,” I added, assuming that would make me less of a pervert.

He smiled, then patted my arm. “It’s all right. I told you I’ve known the boy for most of his life, which means I’m well acquainted with the man. Frankly, with the way he woos women, I’d be surprised if anyone could resist. I’m glad that talk we had seven years ago actually penetrated his thick skull. Condoms are a good thing. I’m glad he’s using the brain in his head instead of his pecker.”

After three hours of stress and worry, I laughed. Loudly. It seemed Dr. Eisley did know Kieran quite well. It put me at ease to know he had mentors like him and Preston.

“I don’t want to pry into your personal life.”

I flashed him arched brows. “Seriously, I think we’re past personal. You’ve seen me internally—both ends. I’ll go out on a limb and say that practically makes us family.”

He threw his head back in a belly laugh that left him in tears. He quickly wiped off his glasses. “I’d like to have Kieran involved in this conversation. I mean, if you two are more than just a whim,” he said, blushing. “Good grief, now I’m embarrassing myself. What’s between you two is private, but I want him to be aware of the restrictions and that condoms are mandatory.”

I didn’t know how to answer him. Kieran had verbally attacked me, physically put me in a precarious situation by drugging me, pierced me without my consent, threatened me on more than one occasion, and harassed me continually. How could I wrap my mind around
wanting
to be with him? What kind of woman was I if I still desired him?

“I suppose so, but before you bring him in, can you replace my IUD? It was always a ‘just in case’ method, and I think I should continue to be safe rather than sorry. And condoms aren’t one hundred percent.”

“Condoms are still the safest bet for sexually transmitted diseases and pregnancy, but the only guaranteed method is abstinence. And I think you’re past that age, and Kieran—well, sexuality was bred into his DNA. But I think in the little time he has known you, he is beginning to change. No matter what people deem socially acceptable, I think you’re good for him, and I approve.”

Once I had my IUD in place, I got dressed. I wished so much that Coco could have been with me through all of this, but knowing she was waiting for me was enough. Even though I knew she was strong and would be there emotionally, I couldn’t cause her that heartache. For her to be in the room as I described all the atrocities done to me, that information would have devastated her.

I spoke to Coco briefly and asked her to stay in the waiting room while Kieran and I went to Dr. Eisley’s office. He held my hand as we sat in comfortable chairs while the doctor explained everything. I was grateful he left out specific intimate details we’d discussed. I hoped in time, I would grow comfortable enough to share those with Kieran. As far as my best friend, I never wanted her to know.

“Ellery has signed a disclosure to allow me to share certain information with you. I need you to pay close attention. There will be no sex of any kind until the tests come back. I think you can manage to forgo sex for four days, but just in case you get any ideas, even condoms are non-negotiable. Do you hear me? To be honest, I don’t see any signs or symptoms of anything sexually transmitted, but as you know, they have a way of hiding. We want to make sure Ellery is healthy.”

He paused as he shot me a questionable look. “I need to know if you want me to talk about the other restriction. Your call.”

I immediately knew what he was talking about. At this point, both men knew so many private details; one more shouldn’t matter. I nodded my head in agreement but kept my eyes down as I stared at the floor.