Willow Grove Abbey (35 page)

“
Papa, I don’t know what to say to you. I’m stunned by all of this. I love you, and I don’t want to create trouble between us. However, I’m not certain that I can live with this knowledge, and keep silent. Do Blake and Drew know about this?”

“Blake does. Andrew does not.”

“And what is Blake’s view?”

“He’s perfectly all right with it. You know that he doesn’t especially feel that Pa
mela is a good wife or mother. I suppose he feels sorry for me. He wants me to be happy. He has his own life, and feels I should make my own decisions about what makes me happy. Of course, he has been divorced and re-married, and apparently has no regrets.”

“
Yes. Well, I certainly wouldn’t cite Blake as a role model. I’m not one bit certain that he doesn’t wish he’d stayed married to Elizabeth. Susan doesn’t fight back with him, as Elizabeth did. She just takes what he dishes out, and then does exactly as she wishes. She is devious. Anyway, Papa, I don’t really care what Blake thinks. Your
mistress
isn’t
Blake’s’ b
est friend. There’s a distinct difference. Also he’s
never
had the relationship with Mummy that I’ve had. I know she’s been beastly to me…to all of us. But, she is
still
my mother. I respect that. I think I understand her better than any of the other family members. Beneath her facade of dominance, there is a wounded soul. I believe she craves your love, but is frightened of letting you know that she needs it. If I feel sorry for anyone in this muddle, I feel sorry for Mummy. As I have grown, and studied, I have begun to understand how very much one’s upbringing plays a part in future behavior. I’ve never known a lot about Mummy’s parents, but I
do
remember her speaking of what a total shrew her mother was. Perhaps she simply copied her own mother’s behavior. All I know is that she must have a great deal of pain inside of her, and I wish we had all tried harder to let her know that she is loved.”

“You have too kind a heart,
Sophia. Do you intend to tell your mother what you’ve learned?”

“No. I’ve thought and thought about it. I cannot be the one to cause her that sort of heartbreak. I’
m going to hope that you mean it when you say that you’ll never leave her. I’m going to hope that this is a passing fancy. I’ll to try to understand, and be a friend to Edwina, as well as a loving daughter to you.”

“Thank you,
my dear. Thank you so much.”

“Don’t thank
me yet, Papa. I’m going to
try
, but I’m not at all certain I can do it. And, this doesn’t mean that I’m condoning the affair. I’m not.”

“Just knowing that you’ll try
means the world to me. You’re an incredible woman.”

I a
m chagrined, even today, to admit that I was thrilled to hear those words, and I am still humiliated for being so needy. I was bowing to his wishes in order to gain his approval and praise, and I was well aware of it. Over the years, I have regretted my actions a thousand times over, and have never forgotten that beastly conversation.

Spence returned to London for Christmas, and I had never been so happy to see anyone in my life. He came straight to Sumner Street, and Isabella and I made a great fuss over him. He was wearing his Royal Air Force dress uniform, and I couldn’t take my eyes from him. I wanted to memorize every detail, knowing we would soon be parted again. While he was warm and loving to Isabella, he was distinctly distant with me. He wasn’t in any way mean or hurtful, but made it clear that he did not want anything to be misunderstood. We sat in the parlor and sipped tea in front of a roaring fire. There was a clear, blue sky outside, but it was beastly cold. There was a forecast of snow. I had a small Christmas tree in the corner, which Isabella and I had decorated with popcorn strings, cranberries and chains made of colored paper. Isabella was so thrilled to see Spence that she wore herself to a frazzle, chattering about all of the things that had happened in her life since she’d last seen him, and playing with the small models of ‘Spitfire’ airplanes that he brought to her.

After she’d gone to bed and he was preparing to leave, I i
mmediately told him what I’d learned about my father and Edwina. He was calm and thoughtful about my news, as I knew he would be. It was his nature. When I told him that I felt hideous, pretending that everything was all right in front of my mother, he helped me to analyze the situation in more depth.

“
Sophia, what precisely are your choices?” he asked.

“Well, I could end
my friendship with Edwina. If that’s even what you could call it anymore. Or, I could refuse to listen to anything Papa has to say about her, nor play any part in their illicit relationship. Or, I
could
tell my mother. I have thought most frequently about the latter.”

“And, what do you suppose any of those things would acco
mplish?”

“Perhaps nothing, except any of those actions
might make
me
feel better, since I’d be living up to my standards. I absolutely hate this subterfuge, Spence. You know that I promised that I would not lie any more. Yet, here I am in the worst position I’ve ever been in... . Well, perhaps not the worst... the worst was with you and Isabella, but still, this is pretty horrific.”

“
I agree. It is a ghastly position to be in. I do think you can take off the hair shirt though, in this instance. If you were to take any of the actions you just cited they would accomplish more than just the obvious. If you cut off your friendship with Edwina, sooner or later, your mother will want to know why. Another lie will have to be told, to explain yourself. If you refuse to communicate with your father about this, you will lose any hope that he will
hear
what you are saying, and end this thing before there is more hurt. Lastly, if you tell your mother, you are surely courting disaster. I don’t think you will be thanked. I think she will turn on you with vengeance. She will blame you for everything. That’s your mother’s nature.
She
certainly wouldn’t look to herself, and ask the hard questions about what part she might have played in this. Frankly, Sophia, I don’t think you really have a lot of options here. ”

“But Spence, you are the one who so detests lying. You are the one who lost all trust for
me because of the lies I told. Now you’re saying that it’s better for me to continue on in such a vein?”

“They are two entirely different situations. I don’t want to rake up everythi
ng that happened between us, Owen, and Isabella. But, you didn’t start out committing adultery or planning to hurt anyone. You were a young girl, who panicked and made a terribly unwise choice. That isn’t the case in this instance. In this case, you father and Edwina seem to be acting like selfish children. They are betraying your mother, you, Dieter, and the child she is carrying. You played no part in their decisions. Now, you are the one who is left with trying to stop the heartache.”

I saw
that he was right, and it helped to assuage my guilt. But, it was so terribly hard for me to be around my mother, or even to speak to her on the telephone, when I knew the lies she was being told on a daily basis. In only a few days, I was planning a Christmas trip to
Willow Grove Abbey,
and was dreading it. I didn’t know if I could face it, and told Spence as much.

“Would you like
me to accompany you?” he asked.

I was co
mpletely thrilled. “Of course, I would. Isabella would be ecstatic. It would just help so much if I felt that I had someone there who knew the whole truth and was on my side.”

“I
want you to be utterly clear about why I would do so,” he replied. I don’t want any misconceptions. Since I haven’t anywhere else to be for Christmas, and have no family to spend it with, I should love to spend it with my daughter. And with you. But, I don’t want your family, or you, to get ideas about us. I’ve told you how I feel Sophia. You know that I respect you, and care for you, but I don’t want any other relationship. Not now. Please don’t feel that I’m being selfish. It’s just the reverse, in my mind. I’m trying to save both of us from future heartache.” His words hurt, but I swallowed my pride, and told him that I understood completely.

And so we went to
Willow Grove Abbey
for Christmas. I was so proud of him. He wore his uniform and the gold wings that signified his rank as an RAF Flight Surgeon. His finely chiseled features
gave him an air of masculine refinement, and I would have given anything if I could have announced that we were going to be married. We entered through the Great Hall, and then proceeded to the drawing room, where the family was already gathered. Everyone stood, with kisses all round for me, and handshakes for Spence. He immediately went to Mummy and kissed her on the cheek, which brought a flush to her face. Papa clapped his hand on Spence’s shoulder. “Right. Shall we call you Doctor Stanton, or Group Captain Stanton?”

“Either is appropriate, but I’ll settle for Spence
,
Sir.”

“And I’ll settle for Nigel,”
Papa replied. “Let me get you a drink,” he added.

“Thanks. A
spot of scotch and water would be nice,” Spence replied.

“Well, this is indeed
marvelous, Papa said, as he proceeded to gather refreshments. “It’s wonderful to have all of my children here, and we’re delighted that you could join us, Spencer.”

“Yes. I’
m delighted too. I’m especially delighted to be sharing this holiday with Isabella. Sophia has been so generous about that, and I can’t thank your family enough for your hospitality.”

“Of course you
must be thrilled to be with your daughter on the holiday. You know that you’re welcome in our home any time,” Papa concurred. The men soon broke up into a small crowd, and began to discuss their military responsibilities, and concerns about the war. Annie, Susan, Mummy, and I sat down, and discussed our own concerns, but we tried not let our fears creep into what we meant to be a happy Christmas. Isabella ran off to her old bedchamber, to see if everything was still the same.

“What do you hear of Edwina,” asked Susan.

I
did not want
to discuss Edwina, but it looked like the conversation was about to take that turn.

“Well, she’s nearly four
month’s along in her pregnancy, and I have the impression that she’s a bit undone by the thought of returning to England as the wife of a German.”

“Well, I should think so. Gracious,
Sophia, that girl needs her head examined. What in the world is she going to do now that there’s a war? Why did she ever marry that disgusting Hun? He looks like an albino.”

It was vintage
Mummy. “I don’t know, Mummy,” I lied. Nonetheless, I couldn’t help but laugh. My mother wasn’t
always
wrong
about
everything.

“
Dieter has been called back to Berlin, but Edwina steadfastly stays in Paris. It’s beyond me how they deal with this muddle, but you know how she can be.”

“Yes, I’ve never fully understood her,” although I’
m certainly fond of her. Dear Lord, Sophia, she’s practically been a member of this family since you started at
Ashwick Park.
”

Her words sent chills down
my spine. I knew that my mother was, indeed, fond of Edwina, and had often compared me to her, saying that she wished that I was more like my friend. I felt extremely uncomfortable with what was being said, but there was no way to tactfully change the topic. Oh, if she only knew the truth about Edwina!

“Perhaps she’ll change her
mind and return to England, once the reality of the war sets in, added Annie.

“It’s unlikely,” I responded. Edwina rarely does the sensible thing, I’
m afraid.”

“Surely Dieter doesn’t want her to be in any danger?”
Mummy speculated. “If
she
hasn’t any sense, then I’d think he’d take it upon himself to look after her properly.”

“
Mummy, Dieter is German. What I fear is that he’ll want to send her to Germany. To his family. He will assume that it’s the safest place for her. After all, you
know
that he’s absolutely convinced that there is no way Germany will be threatened by England in this war.”

“What a dreadful state of affairs. Your father says that he’ll try to speak with her when he’s in Paris next week. Perhaps he can talk so
me sense into her.”

I noticed that Susan was very quiet, and I looked at
my sister-in-law more than once with an anxious expression. I knew that Blake was aware of the relationship between Edwina and Papa. Of course, he must have told his wife. However, to my knowledge,
she
wasn’t aware that
I
knew anything about the mess. Susan raised her eyebrows slightly when Pamela mentioned that Papa was planning another trip to Paris. I desperately wanted to tell my mother that she should accompany him, but I knew there would be no point. She would never consider traveling with Papa on business... Never had.

“Will you be returning to Willow Grove
?”
Mummy interjected.

I thought we had covered that ground before. “No,
Mummy, at least not for the foreseeable future. I feel that Isabella should have as little change as feasible, and I’d like to continue my studies at University and my work with Dr. Hausfater as long as possible

“I think that’s wise,” said Annie. “Drew and I are thinking along si
milar lines. We don’t yet know where he’ll be posted, either.”

“And what of you and Blake, Susan?” I asked.

“The same, I’m afraid. He’ll be going to Church Fenton, in North Yorkshire, but we’re hoping for a permanent post at one of the bases in Scotland. He could be sent anywhere. I’ll undoubtedly return to my family in Scotland if he is posted there, or if he is sent overseas.”

Finally, the
men came and joined our group, and we all went in to dinner to enjoy a sumptuous feast of Roast Beef, Yorkshire pudding and all the trimmings. The war seemed very far away on that last peaceful Christmas of 1939.
Food rationing was about to begin, but Nan and the Rose had wisely planned. One would never have known that there was concern about quantities of foodstuffs. By the next year, of course, there was great anxiety.

***

The New Year began, and with it came the dreaded rationing we’d known was imminent. In January, 1940, bacon, butter and sugar were rationed. That was followed by meat, fish, tea, jam, biscuits, breakfast cereals, cheese, eggs, milk and canned fruit. Whew! As ghastly as it was, I actually heard very few complaints about the rationing scheme. People seemed happy to be able to sacrifice something for the sake of freedom and victory. Some began to buy black-market goods, and the open-air markets developed a reputation. Eggs, butter and milk could be obtained fairly easily, without coupons, in rural areas, such as
Bedminster-with-Hartcliffe.
We had all been issued gas masks over a year before, and one never went anywhere without one, oft times hanging about our necks. Blackouts were also a daily routine. Everyone had blackout curtains, which did not let a sliver of light through at night, and they made it much more difficult for German bombers to see after sunset. We kept only a few lights on, in any case.

I was
much more concerned with what was happening to Spence and my brothers, as the war began to heat up in the New Year. In April the British army landed at Namsos in Norway, and a day later, the German army invaded Denmark. On 10 May, Adolph Hitler launched his Western Offensive and invaded France. That is what we all had feared. On the same day, Neville Chamberlain resigned as Prime Minister, and was replaced by Winston Churchill. By 14 May, the German tanks crossed the Meuse River, and opened up a fifty-mile gap in the allied front. Six days later they reached the Channel. Everyone one sat by the radio day and night, awaiting reports on the troops. There could be no denying that during such a frightening period I couldn’t help but think of Edwina. She was in France, facing grave danger. I had heard nothing of her since our beastly conversation before Christmas, but I believe I would have known if she had returned to England or worse, joined Dieter in Germany.