Willow Grove Abbey (33 page)

“
Mummy, he can support me very nicely, but even if he couldn’t, I love him,” I stated, in a firm voice. “However, again, I must ask that you please don’t rush to hasty assumptions. Spence has not asked me to marry him. And, I can tell you one thing with certainty. Spence would
never
even consider allowing Owen’s money be a part of our income.”

“Well, it see
ms to me that if he loved you so much that the two of you created a child, he might be decent enough to marry you,” Mummy said, cynically.

“He loved
me and wanted desperately to marry me, when you threatened to ruin him”, I answered, between clenched teeth. “He did not deserve to be lied to. I acted like a child.”

“Oh for God’s s
ake, Sophia. Doesn’t he understand that all women play little games where men are concerned? What is a tiny lie here and there?”

“No,
Mummy, he does not understand that, and he doesn’t expect it, and you are wrong. All women do not act in such a manner. I’m just learning that. There will never be anything but honesty between Spence and me from this day forward, whatever happens.”

“Well
... Yes, I can see where that sort of lying might have created a problem. He certainly
is
charming, and really quite alarmingly handsome,” she replied. “I do so wish he had a better lineage. Of course, the Catholic thing is devastating to me.”

“It isn’t the least devastating to
me, and I’m the person who would be accepting it,” I replied.

“Do you
mean to say that you would convert to Catholicism?” Mummy spoke in a tone of utter disbelief.

“Yes,
Mummy.”

“Never,” she shouted! There was silence in the roo
m, but for the clinking of ice cubes in glasses, and the occasional shifting of positions. Papa cleared his throat, but said nothing.

Finally,
Drew stood up. “Oh, for the love of God, Mother. Sophia has been through enough. If Spence makes her happy, let it be. I know him well. He’s a fine chap... A decent, warm human being. You should be hoping that your interference hasn’t ruined any chance for their happiness, permanently. Stop meddling in Sophia’s life.” I could literally have wept with joy. Drew’s words galvanized the others.

“Pa
mela. Drew is correct. Enough is enough. Sophia and Spence have waited long enough to be together. They need the support of her family in order to work out the muddle that the past has created. I gladly offer my support,” exclaimed Papa.

“I second that,” said Blake. Susan and I are delighted,
Sophia.”

M
ummy sat silently, perhaps in shock. Finally, after several minutes, she spoke. “I suppose we must take into account the fact that in some circles Sophia is damaged goods, so to speak. After all, Sophia, you
have
been married, not to mention having borne a child. However odd your marriage turns out to have been, many gentlemen of quality would not think of marrying someone with such a past.
I’m very much aware of the way some people judge others. I know how
men
think, and as a mother myself, I know that I wouldn’t be thrilled if
my
son
announced an intention to marry a woman with these stains upon her background. It’s indeed fortunate that Spence’s parents are deceased
,
so we needn’t face that obstacle.”
Oh God, Mummy was absolutely insufferable.

Out of the blue, Susan stood up, looking radiant in a peach silk day dress, which nearly
matched her hair. “Well, Countess Somerville, I believe it’s time that I made you aware that I became pregnant before I met Blake. I was forced to undergo an abortion because of the same sort of attitude that you espouse. Are you then saying that knowing such a truth about me, makes me no longer acceptable as your daughter-in-law?” Mummy was speechless. We all were. Blake had a wide grin on his face, as he had obviously known the truth before his marriage.

I stood and went to Susan, hugging her closely. “Susan, dear, it wasn’t necessary to reveal that. Thank you so
much for your support. I’m dreadfully sorry you felt the need to tell that.”

“No, no,
Sophia. I’m glad to have it out. Blake has always known about it, and he’s
never
been judgmental
.
That’s all that’s ever mattered to me.” The angry reaction from the various members of my family, coupled with Susan’s revelation, was, at last, too much for Mummy to bear. It was the first time in my memory that we had all united in defense of one another. I couldn’t, for the life of me, understand why we hadn’t done so long before.

“
Mother, I think this conversation has gone far enough,” stated Drew. “Obviously Spence knows everything there is to know about Sophia’s past pain, and he certainly doesn’t consider her damaged goods”, nor does anyone else. Spence is a top-drawer gentleman, and I hope we have the chance to welcome him warmly into the family.”

“Quite right, I think,
murmured Mummy, in a subdued tone. “I was only trying to say that, under the circumstances, we should feel very fortunate
that Spencer, even though lacking a title, and carrying the burden of being an Irish Catholic, may want to marry Sophia’.”

“Once again”, I replied, you are all getting ahead of yourselves. I a
m not at all certain that Spence and I can ever put this thing back together. I chose to tell you the truth today because I have made a vow to myself that there will be no more lies in my life or in Isabella’s. That’s why I’m here and nothing more.”

It was on that day that I ca
me to a startling realization. By intently.listening.to my mother, it was exceedingly clear that whenever she made denigrating remarks about another, she was actually describing the way she felt about herself. It even made me wonder if Mummy herself had either had an abortion, or worse still, had an out-of-wedlock child before she married Papa?

And so, Spence was off to Duxford, and both of my brothers had enlisted. Blake, too, went with the RAF and Drew chose the Royal Navy. Blake was sent to flight training at Cramwell, and I heard nothing but talk of Vickers, Wellingtons, and Spitfires, which were the types of bombers and fighters he was learning to fly. Drew was sent to Portsmouth, to train as a naval Chaplain.

Spence wrote
much more often than I might have hoped. His letters were always addressed to Isabella, and they were absolutely proper, with no romantic overtones, nor any mention of feelings towards me. I wrote to him too, sending pictures of Isabella, and telling him the latest news from London. But, I too kept my feelings to myself. Having been rejected so frequently as a child by my own family, I was particularly sensitive to not opening myself up to such a possibility again.

During that period, which was later referred to as the
‘Phony Way’
, relatively little of import happened. It was a quiescent period, after the fall of Poland, and there was talk of pathetic leadership and poor tactical design. It seemed as though there would not
really
be a war and everyone prayed that would be the case. The Polish army surrendered in Warsaw on 27 September, and Franklin D. Roosevelt, the President of the United States, announced that the USA would remain neutral in the European war. On 14 October, the Russian army became involved when Joseph Stalin formally took control of Poland. All was quiet in England. So quiet, in fact that my anxiety was largely put aside. I occupied myself with my work with Dr. Hausfater, as well as my pleasing life with Isabella. Dr. Hausfater was not naive, and he showed great alarm when, in October, the first Jewish ghetto was established in Piotrkow, Poland. It was during that period that another startling and overwhelming event occurred. It carried the power to wipe all thoughts of war, at least temporarily, from my mind.

It began when
Papa was in London, for a round of his usual meetings, and I wanted very much to speak with him, as I needed and wanted his advice on some investments. I rang him at his hotel about nine o’clock in the evening, but continually received a busy signal. This went on for literally hours. Finally, when it was approaching midnight, I gave up, and assumed that something must have been wrong with the connection. Instead, in a mellow mood, after sipping two glasses of Sherry, while writing a letter to Spence, I decided to place a call to Edwina in Paris. It was always easier to get through to her during late night hours, and Edwina never minded. It would have been highly unlikely that she would have been sleeping. However, something strange happened when I was put through to her number by the operator.
Her
telephone line was
also
busy. I asked the operator to ring me back when the line was free, and that occurred shortly after I had given up on ringing Papa. The thought flitted through my mind that Papa had been talking to Edwina. Then, of course, I immediately remembered the salutation to that beastly letter, which I’d found in his hotel room. It was never far from my mind. I didn’t say anything about my suspicions when I spoke to Edwina, but made a mental note to pay attention to anything of a similar nature that might occur in the future. I recalled Spence telling me to be careful of what I said to Edwina, in case there was, indeed, something to my intuition

We chatted about inconsequential things
... It was nice to have a long talk. Dieter was back in Berlin, and she didn’t seem to particularly miss him. The conversation primarily revolved around the fact that she was pregnant, just a bit over a month. Of course, I was happy for her, although I had to admit to a small, fleeting fear that the baby might not be Dieter’s. I didn’t even want to think such a thing. Edwina said that she felt splendid. We discussed the fashion market, and she said that it had been very slow because of the war footing. As a result, she hadn’t been working much. I asked if there was any chance that she might come to England, at least for a visit, but she hemmed and hawed, and never directly answered the question. By the time we rang off, it was near two in the morning, and I was more than ready for sleep. I tried to put my disturbed thoughts about Papa and Edwina aside, and snuggled into bed.

M
y suspicions couldn’t be quieted indefinitely. The next thing that alerted me was a trip Papa took to Paris. Of course, it was under the auspices of business. But, I spoke with my mother by telephone while he was abroad, and Mummy said that he had rung her asking if she would mind his staying over the weekend in Paris. He supposedly wanted to attend a new stage play that had just opened. I couldn’t believe that my mother gave her assent. I also found it improbable to believe that my father would have the slightest interest in altering his schedule to attend a stage production. That was completely and utterly out of character for him. He had never shown a whit of interest in
any
of the arts.

Shortly after that, I had a letter fro
m Edwina, telling me that
she
had attended the same theater production. She made no mention of my father... Didn’t say she had seen him during his visit... But, I was certain that she had. In fact, I was certain that
Edwina
had been the reason for his visit.
And so, I rang her once again, with a very definite purpose in mind. The conversation began
in our usual friendly manner. I really didn’t know how I was going to broach the subject. I just knew that I was, indeed, going to bring it to her attention. As we talked, I told her that I’d run into a chap we had both known while at
Ashwick Park
. It was true that I’d seen our mutual acquaintance at University, where he was now a professor. He rang me shortly thereafter, and, although I suspected that he was married, he asked me to dine with him. I declined. With that, Edwina said something that opened the door for me.

“
Oh Sophia, whatever you do, don’t become involved with a married man,” she exclaimed.

Without
missing a beat, I answered. “Are we speaking of you and Papa now, Edwina, or are we speaking of me?” My heart was racing, as I waited to see what her reaction would be to my comment

Edwina was
mute, while seconds ticked by. I didn’t rush an answer, and just sat at my desk listening to the traffic outside on Sumner Street. At last she spoke. “Whatever do you mean? Why would you say such a thing?” I could tell by the tone of her voice that she was nervous.

“Edwina, I’
m not a fool. I’ve put two and two together. I believe that you and Papa are having some sort of relationship.”

“Well, your father and I are good friends. You know that. I think of hi
m as a mentor. We have a friendship. It’s nothing more than that. I can’t imagine that you would think otherwise.”

“If that’s all it is, then there’s nothing a
miss, is there?” I answered. “Then, I won’t be concerned, and I’m sorry if I upset you. I couldn’t imagine that you would betray our friendship in such a manner, but... well...I suppose anything is possible.” We chatted for a few more minutes about nothing terribly important, and then rang off. I apologized again. It wasn’t but five minutes before the telephone rang again. It was Edwina and she was weeping.

“Oh God,
Sophia, I’m not being honest with you. We
are
having an affair. A full-blown, head-over-heels love affair.”

There it was. I had
known. I had known, from the day that I found the beginning of the letter in Papa’s hotel room
. Her words only confirmed what I had known. Although I hadn’t thought that I would be surprised if my hunch turned out to be correct, I was.
How could I assimilate the fact that my best friend, and former school roommate, was involved in a love affair with my own father? How was I to deal with it?
I tried to remember what Spence had told me when we’d spoken of such a possibility. Everything was a jumble, and all I could really think was that I neither wanted to lose Edwina’s friendship, nor my hard won closeness to my father. I also couldn’t help but wonder if my hard-won closeness with my father had anything to do with his romance with Edwina?
Were they using me?
I didn’t want to see Mummy destroyed, and knew that she would be, if she ever learned of the affair. Mummy was so precariously perched emotionally, and I couldn’t imagine what such a revelation would do to her. I was furious. The fact that Edwina and my father were engaged in a physical relationship made my stomach churn. But, I didn’t make Edwina aware of my emotions. Instead, I fought desperately to maintain a calm I didn’t feel. If I had been in a rational frame of mind, I would have remembered the vow I’d made to Spence not to ever let lies be a part of my life again. But this was such an untenable situation, and it didn’t allow for such a black and white decision.

“How can this be happening when you’ve just
married Dieter? When you’re expecting a baby? How long has this been going on? Why did you marry Dieter?” Questions were pouring forth, coming one after the other.

“
Sophia, I married Dieter because I was trying to make your father jealous. I thought if I announced that I was going to marry Dieter, it would cause your father to realize that he had better leave your mother and marry me, or he might lose me forever. I didn’t think I would really
have
to marry Dieter. I just thought Nigel would stop me, before it got that far. I know now that my actions were daft. Nigel was horrified, but he didn’t do anything. So, we just continued the affair after I married Dieter. It had begun in earnest long before that, when I was in England with Dieter for Isabella’s first birthday.”

“How can that be? You weren’t even
married to Dieter then?” I was stunned and confused.

“
No, but the way Dieter acted threw me into your father’s arms. Nigel was so kind... so compassionate, that awful night, when Dieter acted a fool. Do you remember that I spent so much time at Willow Grove? Well, of course, you do. Nigel came to me that same night, after that ghastly scene with Dieter. He came to my room, simply to talk, and we
did
talk. But, then something else happened. As we shared thoughts and feelings with each other, he told me that he had watched me grow from a young girl into a beautiful woman. He told me that he’d harbored feelings for me in secret... Had wanted me to know how he felt for so long. He kissed me that night, and it was then that I stopped pretending about the feelings that I’d also hidden. We’d flirted before. Do you remember the time I surprised him when he was checking into his hotel in Paris?”

“Yes, Edwina.
Most definitely,” I answered.

“Well, on that night we both had feelings that were
more than casual for one another”

So the salutation to
the letter I’d found in Papa’s hotel room did have more meaning than simple fantasizing.

“
Edwina
,
I was still at
Willow Grove Abbey
the night you are speaking of. I even remember showing you to your room, after we spoke out near the cemetery. When did Papa come to your room?”

“Much later. I’d had a bath, and was in bed, still feeling just horrible. He tapped on my door.”

“Did the fact that we were practically sisters mean anything to either one of you?” I asked.

“
Sophia. Don’t you understand? I was in love. I wasn’t thinking. I was in love.”

It was the
most selfish, inane answer to a question that I’d ever heard. ‘
She was in love’
. And what about the other people who would be greatly affected by such
‘love’
?

“Edwina, if your father had co
me to me professing love, I would have told him that I was flattered, but that you were my dearest friend on earth, and that would have been that.”

“
You don’t know that, Sophia. You don’t know what you might do in such a situation, if you were in love.”

“I know that I would never, ever have betrayed your trust.”

“I didn’t think of it that way. I honestly thought you might be happy that your dearest friend and your father were in love. I didn’t know what I was going to do at that point. I asked Nigel to give me time to think.”

“And
...”

“And the next night I went to bed with hi
m,” she said, rather calmly.

“
My, my. You thought about it a long time,” I countered.

“I was in love,
Sophia. I’m sorry if you’re hurt, but I’m not sorry I fell in love with him”

“What of
my mother,” I asked?

“What of her? I don’t respect her. Never have. She’s beastly to your father. She’s beastly to you. Pa
mela doesn’t deserve him. If she truly loved him, she’d let him go. She would want him to be with someone who could make him happy, and be a better wife to him.”

“Are
you daft? Even a more stable woman than my mother wouldn’t think that way. Never in my life have I heard of a wife who would willingly give up her husband to his mistress, because she believed that the ‘other woman’ would make him happier! This is all pure poppycock!”