Wilson Mooney Eighteen at Last (27 page)

With every step, my stomach ached and
twisted, swirling with the unbearable pain of walking away from my
first love. My head pounded as it filled with a semi-truck’s worth
of pressure from holding back my tears. My shoulders rounded
forward as I felt Nick’s huge, warm hand press against the small of
my back. Words weren’t wasted between us; his body language
attempted to speak to me instead.

Nick pulled the passenger door open
and waited for me to melt into the seat before he tossed my bags
into the back of his black Toyota Sequoia. I busied myself with
watching my dimpled, red fingers wash to dead white as I wrung them
together in my lap. I noticed the hands on the watch Max gave me
had the audacity to tick away. This was time we were supposed to be
spending together.

Nick slipped into the driver’s side. I
waited for an awkward moment before I looked up at him. His eyes,
narrowed and dark brown, weren’t fixed on me but past me, through
my window. I looked back and saw the man I loved more than
anything, buried in abandonment. He looked wrecked by the vision of
me leaving with Nick. Max was framed in a window that kept him out
of reach, his mouth eclipsed by his breath against the glass. I
watched sporadic pieces of his onyx hair tumble toward the bridge
of his nose as he lowered his head.

Looking down, I reflexively held the
heart and key pendant Max had given me. My body rippled as Nick
pulled away. Even though I knew it was for the best—for Max’s
best—it still didn’t make it any easier to drive away from him. But
it felt like he wouldn’t take care of his family the way he needed
to if I was around.

But what if I was wrong? What if my
choice to walk away damaged him more than if I stayed and fought
for what we both believed in? I wanted him to fight for me. I
wanted him to bust out of his front door and stop Nick from driving
away.

“
Wilson—are you okay?”
Nick mumbled across the car as he drove out through the Goldsteins’
gate.

I tried to respond but all I could do
was nod. I couldn’t look at him; I didn’t want to blather or lose
the tiny bit of control I still had.

“
It’s okay. When you’re
ready to talk…” Nick whispered as I felt my body lean and move with
every turn he took.

It felt like my skin wasn’t my own,
like my soul hovered just above the space my body occupied. Moments
of regret poured through my mind, liquid as many memories of my
life before Max. My future began to soften to nothing more than
distant hopes for a life I could have had. Suddenly I couldn’t
catch my breath. I was falling from grace, and the only person who
could catch me was over a thousand miles away. I needed Joanie more
than ever. I pulled my phone from my pocket and dialed her
number.

She answered with anticipation and I
couldn’t speak. The sound of her voice created a bubble that
crashed into my vocal chords and held me captive. I froze in the
inability to form the words that wanted to spill out and plaster
her with my pain. I sat in Nick’s cold passenger seat and wept,
unable to make a coherent sentence.

“
Wilson—what happened?”
Joanie demanded before asking again.

“
Are you okay? What
happened?”

“
Jaaayyyy—” I
sobbed.

“
Wilson, where are you?
What happened?” Joanie insisted.

“
I left…Max.”

“
Oh honey, where are you?”
Joanie said.

“
Nick,” I
whimpered.

“
You’re with him now?
Sweetheart, give him the phone. Let me talk to Nick. It’s going to
be okay, it’ll be okay,” Joanie reassured me.

I pulled the phone away from my ear
and held it out to Nick. It felt like it hung in my hand for years
before he grabbed it. Suddenly every moment I held onto with any
sort of relevance was gone. I started to feel the chill that
hijacked the edge of my ear, burning with Joanie’s promises. I
needed her more than air. She knew me, and had lived through every
loss I’d had since I was nine years old.

Nick took the phone and I could hear
him talking to Joanie. “Hiya—yeah, not the best way to meet, but
under the circumstances—yeah, I’ve got her—something with
Max—no—she didn’t say. I don’t know either—no problem. I’m taking
her back to my place. That would be good, but I don’t think you’ll
get a direct flight…” Nick’s voice warped into inaudible grunts and
moans as I fell deeper into my despair. I felt fire burn through my
heart and razors slash across my blazingly flawed
intentions.

He held the phone back out to me. I
didn’t know if I could take hearing her voice again, but I snatched
the phone; it seemed heavier than I remembered.

“
Wilson? You there?
Listen, I’m getting a flight; I will be there as soon as I can. You
hear me? I’ll be there with
you
as soon as I can,” Joanie spoke
intently.

“
Kay,” I choked in a
whisper.

The thought of my best friend coming
to be with me as my world was crashing down gave me the ability to
breathe a little deeper. It felt like, suddenly, there was a pocket
in my chest where I could fit the air I needed to
survive.

“
Thanks, J,” I
croaked.

“
Wilson, you wanna tell me
what happened?”

The phone blazed against the edges of
my ear and down the side of my cheek, mimicking the scorching pain
rippling from my heart up through the back of my neck and into my
eyes.

As bad as I wanted to tell her what
happened, I couldn’t find the power to answer her. My throat was
desiccated; all I could do was keep swallowing to dampen the
journey of my painfully sharp words.

“
Don’t worry, Wilson, it
doesn’t matter. I’ll be there as soon as I can,” Joanie said in a
gentle tone before the line went silent. I dropped the phone
between my feet as I turned and looked out the window into the
white, voided space, gray with my anguish. The heater blew warm air
across my face, attempting to dry the lines of my tears.

Suddenly Cindy’s face flashed across
my mind. I hadn’t considered that she was Nick’s sister, and the
most recent thorn in my side. I guess my mind wasn’t able to
process so many things at once.

“
Nick, stop the car. I
can’t go to your house—Cindy is there. She can’t know I’m in town.”
I felt my stomach somersault as her name rolled off my
tongue.

“
She’s not home. She went
to New York with her Seasonals. She was waiting for her ride when I
left to get you,” Nick said.

“
Maybe she’s still there,”
I posited.

“
She’s not. Her friend
Jillian was picking her up,” he reassured me.

“
As a matter of fact, it
will be just us—you and me. My parents had to go to Florida for
three days.”

My heart skipped and my skin vibrated
with a slow chill. My windpipe dried as the words I wanted to say
to him evaporated. It wasn’t like I was nervous to be alone with
him. Actually, I found it comforting to know I wasn’t going to have
to foster relationships with people I didn’t know or care to be
with. Nick was my friend, someone who cared about me and what I was
going through. Better than anything, he was patient enough to wait
for me, even if he didn’t know what he was waiting for.

“
Don’t worry, Wilson,”
Nick said as his hand sailed across the space between us and landed
on my knee. I felt the frog struggle down my throat.
We’re just friends.

The hefty wrought-iron gate, decorated
with an enormous department store sized wreath, swung open as he
pulled down into his driveway. I felt my heartbeat throb through my
chest as he parked the Sequoia in the same space he did the last
time I was there. I felt an emptiness begin to fill my heart as I
suddenly realized it was the holiday season, something that didn’t
resonate until now.

“
Wait here,” Nick said as
he got out of the SUV.

Thoughts flew through my head. What
was I thinking having him pick me up and bring me here? Coming here
was like heading for the lion’s den without a whip or chair to give
me a fighting chance. Cindy was the absolute last person that
needed to know that I was in Aspen.

Oh, man, I forgot how
amazing the front porch of this cabin was.
The sun glistened across the huge chandelier and sent a warm
glow flickering across the Italian marble entry. The swags of fresh
garland were wrapped symmetrically around the railings with just
enough twinkly lights and red bows. I watched Nick jog up the steps
and vanish behind the huge front door, which sported a smaller
version of a wreath like the one on the gate. I started to feel the
cold creeping across my skin, overcoming the space in the SUV. He
seemed to be gone for an uncomfortable amount of time; just long
enough to play with my confidence about Cindy not being
home.

Finally, the front door swung open and
I watched Nick as he ran back to me.

“
Okay, nobody’s home. Just
you and me.”

He helped me out of the Sequoia. I
felt my feet land on the driveway, and instantly I was grounded to
what I’d just lost with Max. I felt my knees buckle and the gravity
of my actions press across my shoulders.

“
Whoa. Easy, Wilson.” Nick
wrapped his arm around my waist. A space always reserved for Max. I
closed my eyes and let the warmth of his hand comfort
me.

The Aspen chill bit at my
nose and licked my cheeks as my tears tracked down to the edge of
my jaw.
God, I wish I could be apathetic.
But that would be too easy.

Nick walked me into his house, pushing
the door and holding me up as I slipped off my boots in the foyer.
All I wanted to do was lie down and wallow in what I’d lost. But
the minute I saw the imperial staircase, every memory of Max
swallowed me entirely and I couldn’t make it further than the space
I stood.

It all came flooding back—the familiar
anxiousness of trying to find him the night Cindy was going to
blackmail him; the weight of climbing the stairs and hating the
thought of Max with someone who wasn’t me; our first kiss in the
bathroom; and the butterflies that now lay dead and motionless in
my gut.

My heart broke as I wished, more than
anything, that Max would come for me. I turned back to Nick. He
must have noticed I was about to crash and burn because he pulled
me into his chest and wrapped his arms around me.

“
It’s okay. Shhh, I’m
here, Wilson.” Nick held me as I wept. His hands brushed up and
down my back. I wasn’t going to lose it with him; it wasn’t my
intention to fall apart in the foyer of the Browlers’
cabin.

“
I’m—sor—ry Nick,” I
choked.

“
No worries,” Nick
whispered, his breath warm against the side of my head. His body
swayed a soothing rhythm, back and forth. “Do you want to go
upstairs? Maybe lay down?” he asked as he pulled away just enough
to unbury my face from his chest.

Nick acted like handling crying girls
occurred all the time. He patiently led me to the staircase and
held me as I struggled for the strength to climb each stair. With
every flex of my muscles, memories of Max’s touch haunted my
soul—his hands caressing my thigh, his fingers tangling in my hair,
his lips discovering every bend of my skin—as painful today as it
was pleasurable then.

Nick and I reached the top of the
stairs. The long, wide hall was sprinkled with doors all leading to
the memories of Max and me. At the end, a massive plate-glass
window tempted the freedom of Aspen into my heartbreaking burden. I
stood there, crushed, as the walls scolded me for abandoning Max
when he needed me the most. Suddenly my choice to leave him created
massive holes, seeming to destroy any chance I’d had to spend the
rest of my life with him, the man I loved more than anything. I
felt my body give up and my knees buckle under its weight. Dramatic
or not, something happens when you realize your life will never be
the same again. Instantly I felt the plushly carpeted floor meet my
body.

I woke up in the Browlers’ guest
bedroom—on the bed, on top of the comforter, fully dressed. I was
in the same room I’d stayed in the last time I was in Aspen. The
room where Max and I confessed how we felt about each other, in the
same bed where we mapped each other’s bodies for the first time. I
woke up only to drown in memories too painful to relive right
now.

“
Hey, you,” Nick mused as
he got up from a puffy, dark brown chair next to the bed. His hand
hovered between us before he brushed his fingertips against my
shoulder.

“
Did I pass out? I
remember coming into the cabin—climbing the stairs—and then
nothing…” I asked, growly.
Okay,
truthfully? I know I passed out.

Hell, the pressure of how much I
screwed up with Max pounded me across my chest. Every discovery we
had here was tainted and destroyed when I decided to leave
him.

“
Yeah, you got to the top
of the stairs and
boom
, you went down. But I’m glad to see you coherent,” Nick
smiled.

What does that mean?
Coherent? Was I babbling?