Wings of a Dove (44 page)

    "Delaney Marsh! I thought you was gone for good."

    "Wishful thinking on most people's part. I want to rent a horse for the day."

    "Well… all right. Sandy's available. It'll seem like old times, you and him
travelin
' the road to the Case farm again. That is where you're goin', ain't it?"

    Neglecting to respond, Delaney walked toward Sandy's stall. He had no time for Rourke's probing questions. Nor did he have the patience for his notoriously slow pace in serving his customers.

    Delaney acknowledged Sandy's friendly nudge with a low word of greeting before swinging a saddle blanket onto the animal's back. Rourke was right behind him as he set the saddle in place.

    "How long you been gone now, Marsh? What is it, seven, eight months?"

    "About that."

    "Sure been a lot of changes around here durin' that time."

    It did not take more than a nod to encourage Rourke to continue.

    "Yes, sir, a lot of changes. Don't know if you heard. Mrs. Case died a few months ago. The family was real upset. Jacob ain't the same man he used to be."

    Delaney's hands stilled momentarily as he adjusted the saddle. So she was dead. Sorrow mixed with relief within him. He regretted not having made his peace with Margaret Case before she died, but Allie would have no reason to remain on the farm now. Even if Mrs. Case had been alive, she could have made little objection to Allie's leaving. Whether it had been his intention or not, he had done exactly as she had suggested. He had given himself time to get established in his new job before returning for Allie. He had also given himself time to realize how much he loved her.

    His spirits rising, Delaney tightened the cinch tight under the gelding's stomach. He waited for the sly animal to let out his breath so he could pull it tighter. He smiled. He would never fall for that trick again.

    "Yes, sir, things are a bit different this spring at the Case farm, now that Sarah's gone."

    Surprise made Delaney turn toward Rourke. Satisfaction lit Rourke's rheumy eyes. "Oh, didn't know that either, huh? Sarah went and married Bobbie Clark. Run off, they did, and got married in the next county a little while before her mama died. I expect she did the family a favor, what with Bobbie and her expectin' a little one so soon. As big as a house she is now, that girl. Bets are she'll have that baby before another month is done."

    Resisting the urge to express his reaction to Sarah's departure with a low "good riddance," Delaney flipped down the stirrups and adjusted their length. It looked as if the only person left on the farm who might give him trouble was James. Well, he was prepared to make short work of any interference from him.

    "I'm thinkin' Mrs. Case was right happy to see all of her children married before she died. Everybody had to give that little girl credit for givin' up a proper weddin'
so's
she could get married at that poor lady's bedside. Everybody knew it probably meant more to the poor woman to see that orphan marryin' James than it would have meant to see her own daughter married. After all, the girl was always…"

    Rourke's voice droned on, but disbelief held Delaney immobile. He couldn't mean Allie had married James! She wouldn't!

    Delaney turned to Rourke once more. "James is married?"

    "Guess you didn't know that, either, huh? You shouldn't be as surprised as you seem,
rememberin
' how
fightin
' mad James was when you dragged that sweet young thing up to Tillman Hill."

    Delaney shook his head. Allie didn't love James. She loved him. She had said she would always love him for the rest of her life.

    Rourke gave a short laugh. "That James. He didn't waste no time at all gettin' his bride in a family way. If I don't miss my guess, she'll be presenting him with a little James, Jr., in another six months or so. And you never did see a happier daddy-to-be."

    Delaney turned from Rourke's pleased expression without comment. It was a mistake, all of it! It had to be.

    Mounting up, Delaney pressed his horse forward, only to be halted by Rourke's restraining hand on the bridle. The smile had dropped from his craggy face.

    "It don't make no difference if you don't like my conversation, but I take my money in advance, Marsh, like I always did."

    Reaching into his pocket, Delaney slapped some money into Rourke's hand. He did not bother to acknowledge Rourke's low grunt of satisfaction as he urged his mount forward.

    Allie's image was bright before his mind as he turned the gelding onto the back road out of town.

    The bedroom door closed behind James. Waiting until his footsteps sounded on the stairs, Allie released a low sigh, threw back the covers, and rose to her feet. She frowned at the image reflected back at her from the dresser mirror and deliberately turned her back.

    The mirror's unfortunate position forced a daily viewing of her swollen shape each morning on arising. It was an image that had grown increasingly distasteful to her eyes as her body had thinned and her belly had grown greater. She was out of proportion, a wisp of flesh and bone not worthy to be called a woman except for her expanding stomach. And yet James loved her.

    Tears rising to her throat, Allie pulled her nightgown off over her head and reached for the newly enlarged shift lying on the chair beside the bed. She turned to the wardrobe behind her and then removed a blue gingham dress, one of two she had recently sewn to accommodate her expanding size. She had left the remainder of her clothes in the room she had formerly shared with Sarah.

    She missed that room. She missed its femininity, its coziness. She was not fully at home in this room to which she had moved on the night of her wedding to James. But it was difficult to be at ease under the unusual circumstances that found her sharing James's bed, lying nightly in his arms as he whispered his love to her, although their marriage had never been consummated.

    Anxiety and no little guilt assailed Allie once more. She knew if James were to follow his inclinations, her circumstances would be far different. She also knew he loved her too deeply to press himself on her until she was truly ready to receive him. She knew he would wait for her to turn to him with love in her heart, no matter how long it took, and that realization was her ever-lasting torment.

    It was not as if she did not love James. She did, but her love did not bear the passionate intensity of his love for her. She feared it never would.

    And it was not as if she indulged herself with thoughts of Delaney. Those memories, which she had once thought to cherish her life long, now only caused her distress. She did not even allow herself to think of the child growing within her. She was in a strange limbo, not truly lover, not truly wife, not truly mother. The strangest part of all was her realization that while James was her torment, he was also her consolation. She was uncertain what she would have done without him.

    Taking only a short moment longer to complete her dressing, Allie returned to the mirror. With practiced fingers she rolled  the long pale strands streaming over her shoulders into a loose knot and fastened it atop her head. James liked her hair that way and it was little enough to please a man who gave her so much.

    Guilt stirring anew, Allie made her way downstairs to the kitchen after a glance toward Papa Case's bedroom door revealed he had not yet arisen. She knew he had lost the incentive to begin his day without Mother Case beside him, and she worried for his state of mind.

    Pausing in the hallway, Allie turned on impulse toward the front door. Slipping outside, she glanced around the yard, her mind registering the beauty of the spring dawn making its way across the sky. Hearing sounds of movement nearby, Allie started across the yard, halting as James rounded the corner of the barn and turned toward her.

    His expression registering concern, he quickened his step. His eyes assessed her anxiously even as he spoke. "What's the matter, Allie?"

    Confusion, regret, and a great humility choked Allie's throat with tears. It took her a few moments to overcome them.

    "Allie?"

    "I'm fine, James. I just wanted" Closing the distance between then, Allie slipped her arms around James's waist. She leaned full against him, holding him close. The child within her registered its protest, and she attempted to pull back, but James's arms closed around her, allowing her only limited withdrawal as he looked down into her face.

    "You just wanted what, Allie?"

    A familiar pain twisted within Allie at the renewed hope in James's eyes. She cursed herself for her awkwardness, knowing she had sought James for a purpose and knowing she must follow through.

    Her voice low, quaking, Allie managed a small whisper.

    "I can't start another day, James, without saying some things that have gone unsaid too long. I hope you'll forgive me if they're not exactly what you want to hear, but they come from the heart."

    James's short nod urging her on, Allie fixed her gaze on the blue eyes filled with love looking into hers as she continued, "For a long time I thought I knew what love truly was. I felt it in my heart and let it become a part of me. But that love was    not returned full measure. I recognize that now, and I've accepted it. The only trouble is, I haven't been able to stop that loving, James.''

    James's fair face paled and Allie shook her head in the hope of assuaging the pain there. "I haven't been able to stop the loving, but there's been something else growing within me these past months, aside from the child I'm carrying. It's been growing greater each day. It's my love for you, James. I don't know where it's taking me. I only know that I feel good in your arms, that I feel consolation in the sound of your voice, and that I want to make you happy. I want that desperately, but I'm so confused, James. I'm not certain where one love ends and the other begins." Allie paused. She shook her head as she struggled for the words, which come with so much difficulty.

    "Oh, James, I guess I'm asking you to be patient with me for a little while longer."

    "You don't have to ask, Allie. I told you once I'll always be here when you need me. I didn't qualify that promise."

    A deep hurt burning inside her, Allie nodded. "I suppose that's the difference I couldn't see. Your love has no qualifications."

    "It never will, Allie."

    Allie's voice was low, choked. "I don't know why you love me, James."

    "Someday you will, because you'll love me just as much as I love you."

    Allie nodded again, unable to speak as James lowered his face to hers. "Kiss me now, Allie. And remember I decided a long time ago that I would wait as long as necessary. Nothing has changed that decision, and nothing ever will."

    James's lips touched hers, and Allie gave her mouth to him. She slipped her arms around his neck and closed her eyes, willing away the image that threatened to invade this moment and come between them. She made herself a promise not to allow it to return.

    James drew back from her at last. Allie offered him a tremulous smile as he touched a trembling hand to her cheek and whispered, "We have a lot to look forward to, darling, and it'll be worth the wait."

    Allowing James to draw her to his side, Allie walked with    him back to the house. Pausing as he brushed her mouth once more with his, she turned toward the door. She wanted so desperately to believe him.

    Concealed behind the barn, Delaney shook his head in disbelief. It couldn't be true.

    Closing his eyes against the image of Allie in James's arms, her swollen body tight against his, Delaney choked back the grief threatening to explode within him. He turned toward the rear pasture where he had left his horse. The sky was rapidly lightening, but he was unable to see anything but the image that haunted him. How he wished he could forget the silhouette he had seen etched against the brightening morning sky. How he wished Allie had not been so beautiful. He would never forget the outline of her small features raised to James, her slender form frighteningly fragile despite the curve of her abdomen.

    He didn't want it to be James's child that filled Allie! He didn't want it to be James's arms that held her! He didn't want it to be James who would be beside her the rest of her life while he was left with only memories and broken dreams!

    When he had reached the pasture, Sandy moved toward him and Delaney attempted to assume control of his riotous emotions.

    This cruel twist of fate was beyond him. Why had he been given the consolation of Allie's love? Why had he been allowed to learn to trust in it, only to have it all snatched from him when he finally had the courage to admit his need? Why had fate created this void within him, which would never be filled? Why had he been so brutally forced to acknowledge that even Allie, for all her beauty, her sweet honesty and innocence, could not be trusted to love him forever?

    The low, pained sound that escaped Delaney's throat was overwhelmed by the sound of creaking leather and Sandy's restless shifting as he mounted.

    There was no such thing as love. Allie's love had been a temporary respite. How could he have believed in it even for a moment? How could he have believed his childish dreams could ever become reality?