Wings of a Dove (41 page)

    "James loves you, Allie. He told me he asked you to be his wife."

    Allie could not meet her eyes. "That was before."

    "Before you went off with Delaney? I know that. I also know it has had no effect on James's love for you. He's told me that himself, several times these past few months. He said he considers everything that happened his fault. He"

    "I can't marry James, Mother Case, even if he does still want me. I don't expect to stay here on the farm after you no longer need me. I'm going away."

    "Away!" Surprise flushed Margaret's face a pale red. "Not to Delaney! You'll never be happy with him. We both love him, but we must be honest with ourselves. He doesn't possess the capacity for true happiness. He's too bitter and angry."

    Allie closed her eyes against Mrs. Case's words, opening them a moment later when she again had herself under control. "No, I'm not going to Delaney. I failed him and he'll never trust me again."

    "Dear, you must realize that it's for the best. You must not berate yourself for whatever happened that night between Delaney and you, and you must never think of leaving us. If it were possible, I would strike that night from your mind as thoroughly as I have struck it from mine."

    "Mother Case"

    "James loves you, Allie. That will never change. He still wants you to be his wife. My dear, it is my fervent wish that I might see that union accomplished before I must leave you."

    Margaret's voice was beginning to weaken. Her lengthy speech had taken its toll, and a slight quaking began to shake her frail limbs as she grasped Allie's hand more tightly.

    "Allie, dear, I don't have much longer. Please think about what I've said. James"

    "I'm leaving here, Mother Case! I can't marry James, and if he knew, he wouldn't want me!"

    Margaret's gaze was suddenly intense. "If he knew what, Allie?"

    "If he knew I'm going to have Delaney's child."

    The flash of pain on Mother Case's face intensified her own, and Allie drew herself abruptly to her feet. She took a short step in retreat even as Margaret raised her hand toward her.

    "I'm going downstairs now. I'll send Papa Case up so you won't be alone."

    "Allie."

    Turning from the sympathy in Mother Case's voice, Allie walked rapidly to the door. In the hall, her pace accelerated almost to a run. She reached the base of the staircase breathless, panic overwhelming her as she paused once more. Dropping her   shawl on a nearby chair, she snatched her coat from the peg on the wall as she turned toward the kitchen and called, "Papa Case, Mother Case is alone. I'm going out for a while."

    James followed his father into the hall, his expression concerned as Jacob started up the stairs. Allie could not face James.

    "Is something wrong, Allie?"

    "No. I… I need some fresh air."

    "It's freezing outside."

    "I'll be all right."

    Clutching her coat closed, Allie slipped her shawl over her head and turned toward the door. She had closed the door behind her before James could utter another word of protest.

    A gust of bitter cold cut through her cloth coat as Allie walked across the yard. Her quaking increased, but she leaned into the blast and lengthened her step. She needed this, to have her mind forcibly removed from the anxieties that had left her no peace, and the prospect of being alone when she needed someone most.

    Her stiff hand moving inside her coat, Allie touched the medal that rested against her breast. No, she would not be completely alone.

    Drawing her coat more firmly around her, Allie trudged on through the snow. She did not hear Jacob step out of his wife's room and call his son upstairs. She did not see James enter his mother's room and close the door behind him a few moments later.

    She did not hear Margaret Case's quivering voice as she whispered, "James, take my hand. I have something to tell you."

    Delaney adjusted the collar of his coat up around his throat and hunched his shoulders against the penetrating cold. The wind was bitter and piercing as it whistled through the corridors between the rows of barracks at Camp Douglas. Belatedly he realized that he had chosen this new coat more with an eye to impress than with the thought of keeping warm, and he was suffering the consequences.

    He perused the blank faces of the men standing behind the hastily erected fences of the prison. Far less adequately dressed than he, many of them stamped their feet and rubbed their hands in an effort to keep warm, but it was not those men who held his eye. It was the others who drew his gaze, those who were     motionless and silent. Their Confederate gray uniforms looked faded and worn, and it bothered him that their vacant expressions seemed familiar. Where had he seen those empty stares before?

    Realization hit Delaney with the force of a blow, and he was suddenly staggered. How could he have forgotten? He had seen that same look on cold winter nights in the streets and alleyways of New York, on the faces of the children with whom he had shared warm doorways or empty packing crates. It reflected a state of mind that exceeded despair, a loss of hope so profound that it scarred the heart.

    Delaney's step faltered under the debilitating effect of again being witness to the cruel annihilation of the human spirit. He had suffered rigors such as these a long time ago. He had survived them, and the experience had made him strong. He had made only one mistake in the time since, and it had almost been his undoing.

    Mulrooney had said he had no heart. Mrs. Case had said he needed no one.

    Steadily, deliberately, Delaney walked up to the fence, toward one of the stone-faced men there. He had worn that expression himself a long time ago. He would never wear it again.

    Allie wasn't cold anymore. The gusts of wind that had battered her when she emerged from the house had abated. The late afternoon sun had slipped from behind a snow-laden cloud and was now shedding its brilliance on the frostbitten landscape and turning it into a glittering, jewel-bedecked panorama that was breathtaking. It was so beautiful. This dazzling resplendence was a parting gift to her, a memory she would not allow to fade. When she was far away from here, she would try to always remember this day.

    Allie was not quite certain how far she had walked. She was not cold, but she could not seem to control the shudders that racked her. Perhaps she didn't feel cold because her hands and feet were so numb, but whatever the reason, she could not make herself go back yet. Mother Case had been right. She needed this time away from the sickroom to clear her mind of the cobwebs of sorrow and despair that had made logical thought impossible.

   At the sound of the crunch of footsteps in the snow behind her, Allie turned stiffly toward James's approach. He wore a heavy jacket and boots, but no hat, and his fair hair glinted in the sun. His was a comforting image, but she didn't want company right now. She just wanted to be alone.

    James halted as he drew within a few feet of her. His face was pinched, and his light brows furrowed in a frown. "Allie, it's cold. You've been out here too long."

    "I'm not ready to go back inside yet, James."

    The lines of James's face tightened into unexpected anger. "When will you be ready? When you're chilled to the bone? When you've succeeded in getting yourself sick? Are you trying to punish yourself? Is that what you want?"

    Startled, Allie shook her head. She clutched her shawl tighter as it threatened to slide off her head. "What I'm doing out here is my concern, James. You're not my keeper. I can take care of myself."

    Grasping her hand, James held it up to her face, forcing her to look at it. It was surprisingly colorless, almost blue.

    "Is this how you take care of yourself? The circulation has almost stopped in your hands, and if I don't miss my guess, your feet are in the same condition. Do you know what it's like when frost touches the bone, Allie? It's dangerous, and it's painful." His stiff expression suddenly breaking, James pulled her close, wrapping his arms around her as he whispered unevenly into her ear, "I don't want you to suffer any more pain, Allie. You've suffered enough. You deserve to know the same kind of love you've given to others. Let me take care of you."

    A sudden realization touched Allie's mind, and she stiffened. Suddenly struggling to be free of James's arms, she pulled back. Her pale face flooded with color.

    "She told you, didn't she?" Allie shook her head in disbelief. "Why? I didn't want anyone to know."

    Anguish that matched her own was reflected in James's attempted smile. "You can't hide the truth forever, Allie. It's going to be obvious in a few months."

    "I'll be gone before then."

    "No."

    The tight knot of tears that choked her throat made response difficult, but Allie persisted in the attempt. "You… you know  Mother Case won't last much longer, James. When she's gone, I'm going, too. I'll find a place where I can work, where no one knows me, and I'll''

    "No. You'll stay here."

    "I won't bring shame down on this house, James! I won't let everyone whisper how foolish your family was to take orphans from the streets into your home just so they could dishonor you."

    "You're going to stay here and have your baby, Allie. And no one will talk, because you're going to marry me. The baby will be mine."

    Allie took a sharp step backwards. "No, James. The baby is Delaney's. It will always be his. I won't take that from him."

    "Is that who you're worrying about, Delaney Marsh?" James's fair-skinned face was incredulous. "How can you be such a fool? Marsh took what he wanted from you and he's put you behind him. You still cling to the hope that he'll come back, don't you? Well, he won't! You're a part of his past now, and he won't give you another minute's thought. He doesn't deserve you, and he doesn't deserve the child you're carrying."

    "You're wrong, James. Delaney loves me. It's my fault we're apart. I let him down."

    "Marsh is incapable of truly loving you, Allie. You can say I'm prejudiced against him, and maybe it's true, but Mama isn't, and she's told you the same thing."

    "Mother Case is wrong."

    His gaze stricken, James fell silent. Then, exasperated, he shook his head. "You're shuddering, Allie. We shouldn't be having this conversation here."

    "Yes, we should, James. We're alone here, and there's no chance of our being overheard. I don't want to upset you or anyone else when I tell you that I can't marry you. There are so many reasons." At James's attempted protest, Allie shook her head. "You should marry someone more deserving of you, James."

    "I don't want anyone else, Allie."

    "You deserve someone who will love you more than anyone else in the world. I'm not that person."

    "You could be."

    "No. My mind and heart are too filled with Delaney. Can't you see that? Delaney didn't leave me; I left him turned my    back on him. And while I still carry the guilt for betraying our love, I can never marry anyone else."

    "Allie, the guilt isn't yours."

    "It is."

    "Allie." Sliding his arms around her once more, James held her close. "None of this makes any difference to me. I love you. I'll always love you. I know it's useless to say anything else right now, but I want you to know that." Releasing her, James stepped back and took her hand. "Will you come back in the house with me now, Allie? It's too cold out here."

    With a low, resigned sigh, Allie nodded her head. James was right. She was behaving like a fool. It was cold, and she could not afford to get sick. Good health was necessary for her plans for the future.

    Allowing James to draw her supportively against his side, Allie walked back to the house. It occurred to her that the reasons for loving were unfathomable. Surely she had never done anything to deserve James's deep devotion, and she suddenly wished, with all the fervor within her, that she could return that love and be the wife he truly deserved. But there was only one man in her heart, and while he remained there, she could not give herself to another.

    Her thoughts thus engaged, Allie stepped into the house with James close behind her. The warm air touched her face and she felt an unexpected relief. She had been colder than she thought, and she supposed she owed James yet another debt for saving her from herself. Drawing her shawl from her head, she was about to express that thought when Sarah suddenly stepped forward from a darkened corner, pinning her with the malevolence of her gaze.

    "I heard Mama talking to James. I didn't believe it at first, but it's true, isn't it? You
are
going to have Delaney's child."

    Backing up against James's chest, Allie raised her chin defensively. "Yes, it's true."

    Sarah's wild laughter brought a heated flush to Allie's face. The shrill sound was still echoing when Sarah brought it to an abrupt halt with a tight smile. "And James still wants to marry you. How very noble of him, and how fortunate for you."

    "I won't be marrying James."

    "Oh, yes, you will!" Rage turning her smile into a contorted   mask, Sarah took a threatening step forward. "You will marry him, damn you! I will not have anyone suspect the truth! I will not have anyone know Delaney Marsh fathered your child as well as mine!"

    A sudden silence followed Allie's gasp. Staggered, she was hardly conscious of the hand James raised to her arm in support.

    "Yes, it's true, you stupid fool! What did you think happened that night I went to Delaney? Did you think he turned me away when I went to his room? You'd like to believe that, but he didn't. I knew once he was away from this house he would act differently, and I was right. He let me into his room, and I thought I had won. Oh, but I didn't give Delaney credit for being the true bastard that he is. Damn him, he took everything I gave him myself and all my love and when he was done, he threw it back in my face! He said he was traveling light and had no intention of taking anyone with him. He told me he had given me something to remember him by and he hoped it was enough, because that was all I was ever going to get from him!"

    Unable to speak, unwilling to believe Sarah's virulent tirade, Allie leaned back against James's chest. His supporting hand gripped her tighter as Sarah's wild laughter sounded once more and she then continued, "I suppose it is rather humorous in a way. And so generous of Delaney to leave us both something to remember him by."

    "No, it isn't true. You're lying!" Managing to choke words past the obstruction in her throat, Allie shook her head. "Delaney didn't. He couldn't. He loved me. He said he loved and wanted only me!"

    "Fool! Why do you suppose I've stayed in my room these past months, hardly spending any time with my own dying mother? The early stages of pregnancy aren't easy, are they, Allie dear? Why do you think I've refused to see any of my beaux? Because I couldn't stand the thought of someone touching me after Delaney humiliated me! But that's over now. The child you have in your belly has forced it to be over."

    Taking another step closer as Allie reeled under the shock of her revelations, Sarah hissed into Allie's white face, "I will not let Delaney Marsh demean me further by allowing anyone to know he fathered both our children on the same night! I am special! I always have been! I am more woman than you will  ever be, and I will not allow anyone to consider that there is any similarity between us at all! So you
will
marry James, if you know what's good for you!" Sarah shot a short glance to her brother's stiff face. "And you'll take care of her, won't you, James? You'll pretend to be the loving husband and father because you know you're no match for Delaney Marsh you never were and you never will be and this is the only way you would ever have gotten her."