Wired for Love (21 page)

In fact, it was in part what they learned from this early transgression that led the couple to develop their method for mutual monitoring of each other’s drinking. Now, years later, they sometimes make jokes based on what happened. “Don’t leave me alone with that handsome boss of yours,” Landa might tease.

“Oh, I’ll be glued to your side,” Perry quips. “I’ll probably get fired for lewd conduct.”

Because they know without a shadow of a doubt how strong their couple bubble is now, they can laugh freely.

Seventh Guiding Principle

The seventh principle in this book is that
partners should prevent each other from being a third wheel when relating to outsiders.
Every couple will find themselves engaging with outsiders, so your best bet is to rely on a strong and intact couple bubble. When you are solid with each other, the presence of thirds can actually amplify the positive aspects of your relationship. We saw how Landa and Perry have done this.

Here are some supporting principles to guide you:

1. Always make your partner number one. And say and do things—little ones and big ones—that remind your partner this is so. If your partner feels confident he or she is number one in your eyes, it will be much harder for thirds to pose a threat. The problem is that we often assume our partner already knows they’re number one and doesn’t need reminders. But you know what they say happens when people
   ass-u-me
   something, right? They make an ass out of you and me!
   
2. Don’t shy away from thirds. It might be tempting to reason that if thirds can cause trouble in a twosome relationship, it would be best to stay clear of them. Obviously, this wouldn’t work in the case of children and in-laws. But it doesn’t work for other outsiders, either. Our friends and other activities greatly enrich our lives. The key is not to avoid them or minimize contact, but to find healthy ways to bring them into your twosome.
   

   You might wonder, what if my partner and I don’t share the same level of interest in a particular third? In fact, this is likely to occur. With the exception of your children, most outside people or interests probably are associated with one of you more than with the other. But this doesn’t matter. Remember, as we discussed in chapter 6, you have agreed to be there for your partner. This means being there at that less-than-thrilling annual office party. It means going to the movie you consider sappy or boring or a bit too violent. Or to that baseball or football or soccer or basketball or hockey game. Why? Because—at the risk of sounding like that proverbial broken record—you’re doing it for your partner. And your partner does the same for you.
   

   And if you still can’t find it in you to enjoy the friend or party or movie or game, concentrate on your partner, and on enjoying your partner’s enjoyment.
   

3. Realize that you as a couple hold power. In fairy tales, it is always said that if the King and Queen are living happily, then all is well across the land. If they’re at odds, suffering is inevitable in their land. The same principle holds true in your household. If you and your partner are unified and secure with one another, your children, extended family, guests, and even pets will naturally attune to you. How you are with each other will rub off on them. It will be the two of you, and not any thirds, who set the tone when you’re all together. Everyone benefits from a couple who are secure in their bubble.
   

Chapter 8

Fighting Well: How to Win by Letting Your Partner Win, Too

In chapter 2, I stated that the brain is wired first and foremost for war. Admittedly, a scary proposition, but one I think it’s fair to say science supports. The fact is, we all have primitives, and our primitives often are itching for a fight.

The balance you and your partner strike on a day-to-day—even moment-to-moment—basis between your primitives and ambassadors plays an important role in determining whether you remain loving with one another or go to war. It may be tempting to think that if you just get that balance right, all will be peaches and cream. You’ll live in a state of perpetual peace: no disagreements, no arguments, no animosity, no fights.

Sorry to disappoint you, but that’s simply not realistic. In fact, if a couple tell me they have never fought, I am immediately suspicious. It’s true that partners who have created a couple bubble may fight less frequently or less intensely because they know the importance of putting their relationship before all other matters. These matters include thirds, as discussed in the previous chapter, as well as a range of self-interests, such as being right or looking good in the eyes of others. Although there is nothing inherently wrong with these self-interests, they can compete with the interests of the relationship. Even a secure couple bubble won’t create complete immunity from discord.

So, a successful partnership doesn’t indicate that a couple have figured out how to avoid all fights; rather, it shows that they have undertaken any necessary rewiring and become adept at the art of fighting well.

This sounds like a paradox. And it is. I can honestly say that if you learn to fight well, you and your partner will be happier together, and your relationship will feel more secure. Instead of destroying your couple bubble, fighting well will strengthen it. Of all the aspects covered in the ownership manual to your relationship, this probably is the most key to your survival!

In this chapter, we look at various techniques for fighting well, including waving the flag of friendliness at the appropriate time, staying in the play zone, being adept at reading your partner, not sweeping anything under the rug, and generally fighting smart.

Nip a Fight in the Bud

Before we consider how to fight well, we might consider what it takes to avoid a fight. As I just said, it’s not important to avoid all fights. Still, there is nothing wrong with nipping the unnecessary ones in the bud.

Wave the Flag of Friendliness

One of the best ways partners can avoid war, especially when distress is mounting, is to quickly wave the flag of friendliness. You can do it. Your partner can do it. It doesn’t really matter; all it takes is one person to make the first move.

As you recall, the smart vagus is one of the most important ambassadors when it comes to avoiding war. The smart vagus not only allows us to take a deep breath before acting, but also helps us modulate our voice to signal friendliness. Take that extra second before you speak to be aware of the tone and volume of your voice. Our other ambassadors, particularly the orbitofrontal cortex—which, you’ll recall, allows us to step into someone else’s shoes—can calm down our amygdalae before they scream red alert over what is actually a nonexistent threat. Make it clear you understand where your partner is coming from, and open the door to a friendly discussion about your respective points of view. Using a familiar term of endearment shows that your love hasn’t been lost in the scuffle. Yet other ambassadors specialize in helping us produce facial expressions that can ease our partner’s distress. An unequivocal smile can communicate goodwill more rapidly than any words.

Sound silly? I don’t think so. In chapter 4, we saw how Paul and Barbara used a smile or a look or a grasp of the hand to calm each other’s primitives and communicate support. You can try this technique at any point, though it may not always be effective in the midst of a heated dispute. Nevertheless, many a war has been avoided with a friendly smile, a well-placed touch, and a reassuring voice.

It’s All Just Blah-Blah-Blah

When you wave the flag of friendliness, you in essence take a shortcut. You circumvent all the angry words that make up a fight, and instead communicate with a single gesture. The same can hold true in the midst of a fight. Sometimes when you have reached an apparent impasse, the most effective thing you or your partner can do is just…shut up.

I mean that literally. Stop speaking. Recognize that your primitives are threatened, and nothing of interpersonal value can come out of your mouth until your ambassadors are back online.

As you recall, our left brain is wired to be highly verbal and logical. It specializes in processing detailed information and readily engages with all the minutiae that go into an argument. At its best, it can sort out the minutiae and settle the argument; at its worst—directed by the primitives, most notably the amygdalae—it produces a lot of blah-blah-blah. What comes out of threatened partners’ mouths is garbage, useless blather whose only purpose is to fend off attack or aggression. It’s as if both brains are interacting amygdalae to amygdalae, with no evidence of flexibility, complexity, creativity, or contingency. What you say in this situation will only need to be discounted later, when you and your partner attempt to deal with all the hurtful things your amygdalae did to one another.

So, what I’m suggesting is that you shift your partner toward friendliness and away from threat. If you can do this, you will have aborted a fight.

Exercise: Catch Yourselves in the Blah-Blah-Blah

Next time you and your partner are locked in a fight, see if you can turn it around by catching the blah-blah-blah.

1. Talk with your partner ahead of time, and agree that one or the other of you will catch the blah-blah-blah and make the appropriate correction. It is important that you agree beforehand and each take responsibility for changing course, not simply calling the other out.
   
2. When a fight occurs, pay attention to how you are speaking to one another. If you find that you’re fighting over who said what when, or how one of you is like he or she was years ago and has never changed, or how someone else agrees that the other partner is a schmoe (aka jerk), then you are engaged in the blah-blah-blah of warfare. Time to stop.
   
3. Now make the appropriate correction. For example, you might wave the flag of friendliness (“Okay, I’m not helping the situation here”). Or move forward and touch your partner lovingly and say, “I’m sorry, I’m making this worse” or “I love you and I shouldn’t be bringing all this other stuff up.”
   
4. Once you have corrected, don’t go back to the blah-blah-blah. Instead, condense your bottom-line point and tell it to your partner in one short sentence. Reason? The primitives can’t process complex phrases, and the ambassadors aren’t fully home yet. So keep your verbal communication short and sweet (emphasis on sweet). Remember to attend to what works for your partner, not simply what works for you!
   

Staying in the Play Zone

I find in my work with couples that many partners who don’t know how to fight well did not learn how to engage in rough-and-tumble play during childhood. Rough-and-tumble play is extremely important for both boys and girls.

All mammals use rough-and-tumble play, especially when very young. Humans are unique in that our earliest play takes place with our primary caregiver, at close range, using our eyes and voice. Mothers and babies can play endlessly, chattering, cooing and making other sounds while maintaining mutual gaze. Mice, kittens, and puppies don’t do this. They simply rough-and-tumble. They may appear locked in battle, but it’s all in good fun—without any declared winners or losers.

Rough-and-tumble play for humans generally comes later, often with a sibling who helps us discover our strength and our impact on another’s body. We learn how hard to push and pull, how to tell the other person not to push or pull so hard, and so on. A certain degree of competitive spirit may be present, but it’s still all in good fun. As youngsters, anchors often are freer in their play than are islands and waves, who tend to be held in check by their insecurities. This pattern can continue into later life.

The Lesson of Play: No One is a Loser

Learning how to play well as children helps us fight well as adults. Secure couples know that a good fight stays within the play zone. By that, I mean the fight isn’t allowed to get ugly. A sense of playfulness is maintained, and a tone of friendliness. Play, after all, is fun. When we invoke the spirit of play, there is no need for anyone to declare victory, and no one is made a loser.

How do you do this? Essentially, it’s your ambassadors who will save the day. Because if the army of primitives gains the upper hand, well, then it’s war, baby!

So it’s up to you and your partner to listen to your ambassadors. Their message goes something like this: “We’re okay. Everyone will survive. Just relax! You’re in love with each other, remember? Your relationship won’t be in jeopardy because of this fight.”

Heeding this message can, in effect, rewire the tendency to be geared first and foremost toward war. You and your partner can develop a system of communication that includes ways to hold your primitives at bay and make sure any fights take place on friendly ground. In chapter 7, we saw how Landa and Perry used a private language to communicate in front of thirds. What I’m suggesting here is similar. You can’t count on knowing how to be playful during a fight if you haven’t laid the groundwork beforehand. So talk about how you want to feel and communicate when a fight does occur. Build on the ways you play together. Become more familiar with the nods and winks (or whatever signals work for you) that you use with each other when no disagreement is present, and learn to trust them when tensions arise, as well.

If you really trust that neither of you will end up a loser, you can feel more relaxed about the rough-and-tumble of fighting. You sense when to pursue and when to retreat. To less secure individuals, the prospect of retreat implies taking a loss or giving up one’s stance. It implies defeat, maybe even humiliating defeat. Not so for secure couples. They know they’re in it for the long haul, so they feel free to keep their guard down, even while fighting.

Exercise: Come Play with Me!

When is the last time you and your partner engaged in rough-and-tumble play? Maybe…never? Well, it’s time to roll up your sleeves and remove all sharp objects!