Wired for Love (23 page)

Donna sits down next to Sean so she can look into his eyes. “How about this? If you go with me tonight, tomorrow we’ll go see that action movie you’ve been wanting to see.”

Sean thinks for a moment, raising his eyebrows to signal he’s considering the idea. “That’s pretty good, but I think I need something more than that,” he replies.

Now it’s Donna’s turn to think. “Okay,” she says after a moment, “how’s this? Tonight I’ll leave the party whenever you want, as long as I can make my rounds and not leave conspicuously. And when we get home, I’ll tickle your back for twenty minutes.”

“A full twenty minutes?” Sean smiles widely. “You’ve got a deal!”

Donna smiles back. “But,” she says, with her index finger pointed upward, “you can’t complain for the entire evening. Do we still have a deal?”

“Deal!” responds Sean, who then kisses her and pulls her down on the couch with him.

They both leave for the event feeling happy, and neither will look back on this as an unfair deal.

Housekeeping for the Couple Bubble

I think it’s obvious which scenario is preferable. Really, the third is the only fair solution. But so many couples swing between scenarios 1 and 2: either one partner or the other gets the raw end of the deal. This is because they don’t know the basic rules for negotiating within a couple bubble.

Of course, it’s only natural that partners won’t always view things the same way or want to do the same thing at any given time. Not everyone loves action movies, for example, and not everyone loves office parties. You may want to spend money on an expensive meal, while your partner would rather save up for a longer vacation trip. You may be in the mood to see your partner’s family one time, but not in a mood the next time. Fair enough. My point is that none of this should be a problem.

And it won’t be if you learn to negotiate effectively. In a nutshell, (1) your negotiations don’t have to be entirely symmetrical, (2) bargaining is fine, and (3) any compromises you make should not result in one person losing.

Think of this process as good housekeeping for your couple bubble.

Next time a fight is in the offing, instead of expecting your partner to function as your clone, put your collective energies into making sure the solution feels meaningful and worthwhile for both of you. Keep at the negotiations until you reach that point. In essence, there can be no forward movement, no decision making, no action unless you and your partner agree the solution will work for both of you.

We got a glimpse of this process in scenario 3. In it, Donna and Sean negotiated as anchors. By contrast, when an island faces a situation in which each partner wants to do something different, the only apparent solution is to go their separate ways. We saw this in scenario 2. On the other hand, as we saw in scenario 1, one partner can bully the other into submission. This is the way of the wave.

If you and your partner reach a point where you still aren’t both satisfied with a solution, some compensation or repair may need to take place. This can be tricky, especially when past experiences of inequity, unfairness, injustice, and insensitivity color the present situation. I said negotiations don’t have to be symmetrical, in the sense that one or the other of you may appear to give up more at any particular moment; however, over the long run, any inequities need to balance out. Sticking to the principle of “good for me, good for you” should prevent either of you from keeping a tally against the other.

Over the Long Haul

Some issues between partners can be resolved, if not immediately, then eventually. Other matters may never be resolved, and may always be a source of potential conflict. In fact, because no two brains are alike, the chance of two people agreeing on everything is slim to nil. For this reason, John Gottman, a researcher and marital expert, believes that couples don’t need to solve all their unresolved conflicts, but they do need to deal effectively with these issues (Gottman and Silver 2004). And I would agree. Couples who are in it for the long haul know how to play and fight well, remain fearlessly confident in the resilience of their relationship, and don’t try to avoid conflict.

Nothing Swept under the Rug

Dennis and Kathleen are expert fighters. They pay close attention to one another, especially when talking about topics that are important to or sensitive for either of them. They have a policy never to avoid anything, no matter how difficult. Neither partner feels afraid of becoming overwhelmed or of being shut down by the other when they fight. Nor does either give indirect messages to the other about controversial matters, such as complaints and the like. If Kathleen needs to bring up something to Dennis that she knows he won’t like, she does so quickly and without ceremony. It’s a kind of friendly hit-and-run, a strategy both have agreed works for them.

For instance, both are at dinner alone one evening talking about general niceties, nothing stressful. Suddenly, while looking into Dennis’s eyes, Kathleen says, “We have to talk about your job situation.” She’s referring to Dennis’s recent demotion at work and his promise to find another position. She knows this is going to cause a shame reaction.

Dennis lowers his head, breaking eye contact with Kathleen. “I know. Do we have to talk about this right now?”

“No,” she says quickly, “but we
are
going to talk about it, okay?” Then she changes the subject.

Dennis quickly recovers, and they continue to have a pleasant dinner.

Later that evening, while getting ready for bed, Kathleen says, “About your job . . .”

Dennis sighs and says, “Oh, geez. Come on, honey, I don’t want to talk about it
now
.”

Kathleen kisses him and looks into his eyes. “Sweetheart, I know you don’t want to talk about this, but we can’t avoid it forever. Bring it up with me tomorrow, or I will, okay?”

“Okay,” he says, smiling back at her.

And the conversation does take place the following day. Dennis’s feelings about his job aren’t fully resolved, and it still is hard for him to talk about this topic. However, no one can doubt that this couple are there to support one another. They don’t avoid important matters simply because they feel bad or expect a bad reaction. Rather, as we discussed in chapter 4, they are competent managers of one another and know how to shift, soothe, influence, and inspire each other. It’s clear they’re in it for the long haul. So any fights that occur are only minor speed bumps on the road for them.

Remember the Good, Forget the Bad

If your partner tends to remind you of things you have done to injure him or her, chances are your response is along the lines of “Why do you always remember such things? Why can’t you just forget?”

You want to move on. But does it ever occur to you that you helped create that memory in the first place by not doing anything to fix it in time?

Any intense feeling—positive or negative—that stays in our awareness for too long will be transferred into long-term memory. The ambassadors, notably the hippocampus, are responsible for converting short-term memories into long-term ones. As a primitive concerned with our safety and security, the amygdalae make sure we don’t forget painful memories. In this way, grudges are formed.

If you’re in it for the long haul, it behooves you and your partner to avoid creating and maintaining grudges. Do this by allowing your ambassadors to overrule your primitives. Fix your bad memories so they become good memories. Kathleen did this by insisting Dennis talk with her about his job. If she had let it go when he was reluctant to talk, they might both have had bad memories: for Dennis, it would have centered on the job itself, and for Kathleen it would have been about her husband withdrawing from her because he was too mired in depression.

The idea is to transform bad memories into good ones before they enter long-term memory as grudges. However, it’s possible to transform a bad memory even years later. I’m not suggesting long-standing grudges will disappear with a snap of your fingers, but if you and your partner are willing to do the work, you can get past them.

Exercise: The Gratefulness Inventory

This exercise is derived from Naikan, the Japanese art of self-reflection. It can be difficult to do, especially if you’re a wave, but it is well worth the effort. Take at least thirty minutes to do this exercise.

1. On a piece of paper, make three columns.
   
2. At the top of column 1, write, “What he/she gave me.” List everything your partner has given you in the last week. Be specific and concrete—for example, “He made me pancakes for breakfast yesterday,” not “He does the cooking.” Don’t move on until you’ve listed everything your partner gave you—even the expected things. Fact is, you got those, too,
   
3. At the top of the next column write, “What I gave him/her.” You can spend less time laboring over this column. Nevertheless, be specific and concrete.
   
4. Label the last column “The trouble I caused him/her.” You might ask why there isn’t a fourth column for the trouble your partner caused you. Because you probably already know this all too well. As with the first column, do this thoroughly. And be honest: whether you intend to or not, you cause trouble and can be burdensome to your partner.
   
5. Now study your finished inventory. If you did it correctly, the first and third columns should be longer than the second one. Notice in particular what you receive from your partner, but tend to take for granted.
   
6. You might find yourself inclined to write a letter of gratitude for three things your partner gave you. You might even feel compelled to write a letter of apology for three things you did to cause your partner grief. And finally, you might want to share this entire list with your partner. If all goes well, your partner may want to do this exercise in return.
   

Eighth Guiding Principle

The eighth principle in this book is that
partners who want to stay together must learn to fight well.
When you and your partner are relating within a strong and secure couple bubble, fights don’t threaten your partnership. You are able to pick up on each other’s distress cues and manage them posthaste. You don’t ignore problems and let them fester. Rather, you quickly error correct, repair, or wave the flag of friendliness.

Here are some supporting principles to guide you:

1. Losing is not allowed. Of course, no one wants to lose. I’m sure you and your partner are no exceptions. At times, it may be tempting to assert your will, to try to pick up a few wins for yourself. But honestly, what value will your pro-self interests have if a fight results in your partner being knocked out, on tilt, or otherwise non–compos mentis? Not much. That would be a Pyrrhic victory.
   

   So, you have to retrain yourselves. You have to rewire your ways of fighting. Think in terms of defusing conflict that turns ugly, rather than necessarily resolving it entirely. Most importantly, when you fight, both of you have to win…or you will both lose. And that’s not an acceptable outcome.
   

2. Giving up isn’t allowed, either. Let me be clear: smart fighting is not about abdicating your position or giving up your self-interests. It’s about wrestling with your partner, engaging without hesitation or avoidance, and at the same time being willing to relax your own position. You go back and forth with each other, until the two of you come up with something that’s good for both of you. You take what you each bring to the table and, with it, create something new that provides mutual relief and satisfaction.
   
3. Every fight brings a new day. In asking you to fight well, I’m asking your ambassadors to rule over your primitives. We all know that can be tough, and even more so in the midst of battle. So don’t expect 100 percent success at your first try. If the minute a conversation overheats, you forget everything I’ve said, don’t give up. Try again tomorrow.
   

Chapter 9

Love Is Up Close: How to Rekindle Love Through Eye Contact

In the last chapter, we looked at what it takes to fight well and keep yourself from going to war with your partner. Couples who don’t know how to do this find themselves in a state of heightened alert not only during fights, but sometimes long after a specific battle has ended. Verbally they may have called a truce, but under cover their amygdalae are primed and ready to go at a moment’s notice. It’s as if they’re permanently wired for war, with no hope of rewiring. Other couples may have learned to fight in ways that leave both partners still standing at the end. They know how to read one another, how to wave the flag of friendliness, and when to recall the troops. All this serves to keep them on a relatively even keel. But ultimately these couples, too, will fall short if their love hits a low point and they aren’t able to rekindle it. It’s one thing to fight well, and something else altogether to love well.

In this chapter, we look at how to use your ambassadors and your primitives to make love not war. This is the ultimate rewiring. And it’s not as difficult as you might think. After all, you and your partner already know what it’s like to feel intimately connected. More than likely, that bright spark of love is what brought you together in the first place. All you need is to become acquainted with ways to rekindle the fire when—or even before—it starts to grow dim.

Lust Is at a Distance

I often tell couples who are striving to recreate and hold onto a more intimate connection that lust is at a distance, but love is up close. I advise them not to confuse the two, and not to depend on lust to rekindle their romance. This is a mistake too many couples make.

Becoming Strangers

Consider Viktor and Tatiana, both fifty-five years old. Their two children, twins, recently left for college, and the couple find themselves with more time alone together than they’ve had in years. Initially Tatiana looked forward to the romantic vacation they’d promised each other. However, after a few weeks, her enthusiasm gave way to an unexpected anxiety. Somehow, when the kids were around every day, she had failed to notice the distance that had developed between her and Viktor. Mealtime conversations revolved around school activities, sports, and homework. It was easy to overlook her husband’s minimal role in these interactions. Besides, he was always preoccupied with work: it was hard to imagine him without a cell phone glued to his ear, even at the dinner table.