Wired for Love (10 page)

Exercise: Are You an Anchor?

Do you believe yourself or your partner might be an anchor? Look at this checklist and see if it fits—first for yourself, and then for your partner.

• “I’m fine by myself, but I prefer the give-and-take of an intimate relationship.”
  
• “I value my close relationships and will do what it takes to keep them in good condition.”
  
• “I get along with a wide variety of people.”
  
• “I love people, and people tend to love me.”
  
• “My close relationships aren’t fragile.”
  
• “Lots of physical contact and affection is fine with me.”
  
• “I’m equally relaxed when I’m with my partner and when I’m alone.”
  
• “Interruptions by my loved ones do not bother me.”
  

Now let’s look at a couple who operate under a very different style.

The Island: “I Want You in the House, Just Not in My Room…Unless I Ask You.”

Chiana and Carlos, both professionals in their early forties, decided early in their marriage not to have children and instead to embellish their relationship with plenty of travel and adventure. Chiana had held off on getting married because she felt her career as a journalist didn’t allow her time to devote to another person. But then she met Carlos, and he seemed like a kindred spirit. After their wedding, they built a home that included two separate areas: his and hers. Carlos had his own music room, with a small bed for nights when he wished to stay up late. Chiana designed an office where she could write and watch television without being disturbed. Their master bedroom was wired with high-speed Internet so both could use it on respective sides of their oversized king.

Problems arose shortly after their wedding. Chiana’s interest in sex started to wane. Carlos was accustomed to taking turns initiating sex, but Chiana stopped making moves and started rejecting his advances. The intense eye contact they had so often enjoyed during courtship was replaced by television shows, movies, and conversations from across the room. Although Carlos was the first to complain of loneliness, his behavior was not entirely dissimilar from hers.

Arguments about their lack of intimacy began to go like this:

“I still love you,” Chiana explains, after they’ve come home from work and Carlos has made an advance she’s rejected. “It’s just we’re so busy. Plus you know how I feel about staying in shape.”

Carlos’s face turns red. “So you’re blaming me for not having sex? It’s my fault because I haven’t been working out? Is that what you’re saying?”

“Don’t put words in my mouth. I’m saying we’re both busy.”

“No, I distinctly heard you say you’re not into sex because I’m out of shape. That’s ridiculous! I’m in great shape, and you know it. If I told you something like that, you’d never talk to me again.”

“Look,” Chiana says impatiently, “let’s talk later. I’ve got a deadline and can’t deal with this right now.” She picks up her laptop and heads briskly for her office down the hall.

Later that evening, Carlos puts finishing touches on the dinner he’s cooked. He calls for Chiana, but there’s no response. So he approaches her office and opens the door.

Chiana, her back turned, barks, “Not now!”

Knowing she hates to be disturbed, Carlos stays in the doorway. “Don’t you want the dinner I made for us?”

There’s a long silence, during which Carlos grows increasingly irritated. “Chiana!” he says sharply, trying to get her attention, but afraid of stepping any closer.

“What do you want?” she screams, turning and slapping her hands hard on her legs. “I told you, not now!” She pivots back to her computer.

Carlos sighs deeply. “So, when can I expect you?”

“I’ll be there as soon as I can. Fifteen minutes, okay?

With that, Carlos leaves. But he’s back twenty minutes later.

Chiana, still working fervently, senses his presence. “That wasn’t fifteen minutes,” she snaps.

“You’re correct. It was twenty,” Carlos says calmly.

“No it wasn’t,” she counters.

Deflated, Carlos again turns to leave. But his irritation is rising. “How much of this am I supposed to take?” he mutters.

Chiana slams a file onto her desk, turns around, and screams, “You say you want me to be successful, but you keep sabotaging me!”

After a brief stare-off, Carlos relents. “Fine! Make your own dinner. I’m out of here!” He leaves, slamming the door behind him.

I Can Do It Myself

Now, before you jump to judge Chiana, let’s get something straight: she’s not doing anything outside of her nature. She is an island. Her main problem, if we want to call it that, is that she doesn’t understand what her relationship style is. And perhaps more importantly in this instance, Carlos doesn’t understand it, either. Both of them are islands, but for simplicity’s sake, we’re going to look closely only at Chiana.

Chiana is not purposely trying to ruin her marriage. Quite the contrary, she’s doing what she knows best from her own experience. And so, by the way, is Carlos. First and foremost, we need to realize that Chiana’s actions and reactions have a basis in her physical makeup. Her understanding about how to move toward and away from others, about how to signal others, and about the kind of response she anticipates getting from others is built into her nervous system. These patterns have been there from a very early age; she is merely following suit now.

Chiana’s anger at her husband’s intrusion is, in her mind, fully justified. In defense, she shrugs and says, “Wouldn’t anybody in my position do the same?” Let’s look at how Chiana’s relationship history led her to became an island, and what this means for her relationship with Carlos.

Chiana was an only child who spent a good deal of time by herself. Both her parents were working professionals, and they employed a nanny to watch over their daughter. Chiana describes her mother as brilliant but not especially touchy-feely. Her parents sometimes read aloud to her, but she can’t recall either coming to her when she cried or called out at night. Her inability to recall loving moments causes Chiana anxiety. She feels she is betraying her parents, who she strongly believes loved and cared for her. After all, they always gave her what she needed, she tells herself. She has happy family photos to prove it!

In fact, there is nothing wrong with Chiana’s memory. She can recall, for example, feeling hurt as a teenager by her father’s disapproval. She has a vivid memory of being afraid her mother was angry at her as they were leaving a toy store. These events did happen, and they were pivotal determinants of her current relationship style. Her lack of positive memories simply reflects the dearth of positive events in her early home life.

In a nutshell, we can say that the sum total of her experiences—the positive and the negative; those she can recall and those she cannot—shaped Chiana into an island. Because her mother rarely sought physical contact, Chiana learned it was better not to look to others for affection. Instead, she focused on taking care of herself. As a single adult, she had no difficulty interacting with other adults. People saw her as smart and creative, and she developed a wide circle of friends who shared her interests.

When Chiana married Carlos, however, he became the home she experienced in childhood. She does not expect frequent interactions with him, including sexual intimacy. Although she enjoys his company, she finds it hard to shift out of her alone time. His bids for attention often feel jarring, as if he were trying to make her do something against her will. She tends to resist until he has coaxed her to come closer and engage with him. Once this shift is made, she adjusts and enjoys being with him. However, when left alone for even a few minutes, she again becomes absorbed in her private world.

As an island, Chiana believes her alone time is a choice and a preference. She is unaware it’s a consequence of her need to depend and connect having been met with unresponsiveness, dismissiveness, and insensitivity when she was an infant. People who are islands often confuse independence and autonomy with their adaptation to neglect. As we saw in chapter 1, in order to achieve true autonomy, it is necessary to first experience being loved by and taken care of by another person.

I want to reiterate: there is nothing inherently wrong with being an island. Merely conjuring up the image of lounging on a lush tropical island is enough for many people to feel a rush of endorphins. In the context of a couple’s relationship, however, difficulties can arise if one or both partners are addicted to alone time, especially if they don’t know it. Instead of seeking the closeness of a couple bubble, the addicted partner avoids it. Feelings of loneliness are obscured by the dreamlike state generated during alone time.

Islands tend to experience more interpersonal stress than do waves or anchors. This is due to their higher sense of threat in the presence of their significant others, as well as in social situations in general. Whereas waves or anchors may feel shy, islands can be overly sensitive to perceived intrusions by a partner. Especially if their partner is not another island, islands may fear their need for distance may result in disaster. Two islands can court disaster simply through their high tolerance for being apart from one another. For example, when Carlos is away on business, Chiana doesn’t feel a loss. Her relief at the absence of interpersonal stress is greater than her awareness of loss or of being left. If tolerating time alone were comparable to holding one’s breath underwater, islands could hold their breath much longer than anybody else.

Islands tend to look toward the future and avoid looking at present relationship conflicts or past relationships, including those in childhood. Their mantra is “That’s the past,” with the implication that rehashing history would be pointless. In point of fact, islands often idealize or demonize their past and are unable to call up specifics. Common refrains when asked about details include “I don’t remember,” “It doesn’t matter,” “Who cares?” and so on. This tendency can become extremely frustrating for the other partner.

Without the help of their partner, islands are unlikely to understand who they are, recognize their deep-seated existential loneliness, or ultimately overcome their anxiety about intimate relationship. After all, they know only what they’ve experienced. In order to step off their islands and into a more social world, they need to be met with understanding. They need partners who will make the effort to find out what makes them tick. This isn’t to say it’s impossible for two islands to, for example, create a couple bubble. But without some form of help, the odds are against it.

Exercise: Are You an Island?

Do you recognize yourself and/or your partner from our discussion thus far? Here are some statements that are typical of an island. See if any ring a bell for you—either for yourself or your partner.

• “I know how to take care of myself better than anyone else could.”
  
• “I’m a do-it-myself kind of person.”
  
• “I thrive when I can spend time in my own private sanctuary.”
  
• “If you upset me, I have to be by myself to calm down.”
  
• “I often feel my partner wants or needs something from me that I can’t give.”
  
• “I’m most relaxed when nobody else is around.”
  
• “I’m low maintenance, and I prefer a partner who also is low maintenance.”
  

The Wave: “If Only You Loved Me Like I Love You.”

Now let’s meet another couple. Married for seventeen years, Jaden and Kaylee had two small children and lived in a modest two-bedroom house in the suburbs. Kaylee was a stay-at-home mom, and Jaden worked a nine-to-five job.

When they finally sought therapy for their problems, Kaylee complained that Jaden was often angry about everything: “He’s angry with me, he’s angry with the kids, he’s angry with his boss . . . it’s like nothing we do is enough, and I’m getting sick and tired of having to deal with his temper tantrums.”

Jaden thought Kaylee was not acknowledging his reasons for feeling angry and upset. Unable to sit quietly and listen to her even for a few moments at a time, he expressed himself with grunts and groans and facial expressions of shock and surprise.

Their dialogue in couples therapy would go like this:

“I look forward to seeing you all day, but I don’t think you even miss me at all. I call or text message, and you don’t respond. It’s like I’m bugging you or something. Do you know how many wives would give their right arm for a husband who misses them during the day, who really wants to connect?” Jaden says with a perplexed look on his face.

“But you call me all the time!” Kaylee responds, eyes widened in a gesture that suggests he’s clueless. “I don’t get a chance to miss you. And if you miss me so much, why do you come home so pissed off and surly?”

“I . . . I don’t . . . You think I’m surly?” He laughs. “I don’t think I’m surly.”

Kaylee looks at him as if expecting him to think about it.

“You’re right,” he admits after a minute. “I do get angry when I see the kids out of control and the house in disarray. I’m exhausted from work, and it feels like you’re just ignoring me.”

“That’s not true,” Kaylee interrupts. “Often I come to you, and you just yell at me. If I say something nice, you say something mean in return.”

“I don’t say anything mean,” he retorts, defending himself. “I’m not a mean person. You must be talking about yourself. You can be cold, and you’ve admitted it. I’m the opposite of cold. When I call you during the day or ask to spend time with you at night, you’re always busy, like you don’t have time for me. And you never say anything nice to me.”

Kaylee, looking exasperated, takes a deep breath and says, “You just don’t remember the nice things I say. Or you throw them back in my face and say I don’t mean it. Really, Jaden, it makes me not want to be near you. And it’s not just me; if either of the boys fails to pay attention to you, you become furious and take it personally.”

Jaden responds by throwing his legs out in front of him and tossing his arms above his head, with his eyes facing the heavens. “I really feel misunderstood. I’m not the bad guy. Do you know that every time there’s a special occasion, like our anniversary, I have to plan it? Do you think you could ever take the initiative? You don’t remember Father’s Day,” he starts counting on his fingers, “you don’t know what to get me for my birthday… . Let’s see, you don’t even want to have sex with me, for goodness sake!”