Wired for Love (7 page)

Exercise: Discover Your Primitives

When you become aware of the role of the primitives, you gain valuable insight into your relationship. You are actually putting neurobiology to practical use.

Here is what I suggest you try the next time you and your partner find yourselves discussing a hot issue and going a bit wild.

1. Make sure you are sitting or standing across from each other so you can observe both yourself and your partner closely.
   
2. See if you recognize any of the stages I just described. For example, is there evidence of a red alert? Are the troops amassing yet?
   
3. At some point, you may want to reread the description of the stages so you have a good sense of the specific signs for each stage. For example, these may include flushing of the skin, narrowing of the eyes, dilating of the pupils, raising of the voice, and verbal expressions of threat and anger. To an extent, these signs are universal; however, I’m sure you will find ones that are unique to you and your partner.
   
4. Consult table 2.1 to identify which of the primitives you have caught in action.
   
5. Later (when things have cooled down), talk with your partner about each other’s primitives. If you feel a need to lighten things up, you can name your primitives. For example, I like to think of the amygdalae as the threat detectors and the hypothalamus as the drill sergeant. Go ahead and pick your own names. You and your partner can call your respective amygdalae Fred and Ginger if that suits you.
   

The Ambassadors

The ambassadors are the rational, social, and very civilized part of our brain. It’s not that they’re disinterested in self-survival; they’re on the same page as the primitives when it comes to survival. As we already noted, whenever a threat is detected, they’re the ones tasked with checking and rechecking all relevant information for accuracy. Nevertheless, given their druthers, our ambassadors would just as soon use their intelligence to sustain peace and foster social harmony and lasting relationships. By nature, they are calm, cool, and collected, and like to weigh options and plan for the future. They favor complexity and novelty, and they learn quickly.

If not for our ambassadors, we would be friendless, alone, and possibly even in prison. They allow us to be in relationships for the purpose of more than simply procreation and survival of the species. Like real ambassadors, they represent us in the world. With appropriate and skillful diplomacy, they calm fears and cool tempers, either within us or within others.

Now, I don’t mean to imply that ambassadors are always better or more valuable than primitives. They’re not. In some cases (as we will see in the next chapter), they can be quite obnoxious, especially when they’ve been hijacked by primitives. Perhaps this is why Rick Hanson, in
Buddha’s Brain
(Hanson and Mendius 2009), refers to ambassadors as “wolves of love” (compared with “wolves of hate,” the primitives). Nevertheless, under ordinary circumstances, namely stress-free circumstances, our ambassadors do their best to help us keep love alive.

Let’s meet the ambassadors and look at how they help us not only avoid war, but maintain peace and love in relationships (table 2.2).

Table 2.2 Your Ambassadors in Action

KEEPING THE PEACE—THE SMART VAGUS

Fortunately, our ambassadors usually do a good job of keeping our primitives in line. Because ambassadors operate more slowly than do primitives, they are particularly successful at keeping peace in situations where time is on their side.

It so happens our dumb vagus has a younger and more intelligent sibling; namely, our
smart vagus
(aka,
ventral vagal complex
). Like its relative, the smart vagus slows us down. However, instead of overreacting and shutting us down, it enables us to hold our head above water and below the stratosphere, so to speak. Stephen Porges (1995) developed what he termed the
polyvagal theory
(
poly
meaning many) to explain how the dual aspects of our vagal system (dumb and smart) switch on and off according to the needs of the moment. He referred to this as part of our complex
social engagement system
, through which our body either helps or hinders our ability to relate to one another.

For example, taking a deep, slow breath, particularly a slow exhalation, stimulates our smart vagus. Without the ability to calm ourselves down in this manner, physical proximity with another human being would be time limited at best, and romance would be short lived.

If Leia and Franklin had taken a few deep breaths while they were in the car, they might have been able to avoid going to war. Even if their argument had erupted and things had started to get out of hand, pausing to take some deep breaths could have stopped the cycle. If either had been able to appropriately modulate his or her vocal tone and volume, they might have been able to get themselves back on a peaceful track.

Partners enjoying a couple bubble benefit from the contributions of their smart vagus and its ambassador colleagues. They are able to slow down and relax together, to soothe one another, and bond intimately. They learn what to say to one another to dispel potential threats and keep the peace. We will examine this further in Chapter 4.

Exercise: How Do You Sound?

Most of the time, we don’t stop to listen to the sound our voices make as we talk to our partner. We don’t pay attention to the rate of our breathing. We just run on automatic pilot. But when you slow down and engage your ambassadors, you gain a wide range of options.

Next time you and your partner are talking in a relaxed setting, experiment and play with this. See what happens when you:

1. modulate your voice (louder and softer; slower and faster);
   
2. whisper to one another (can you do that?);
   
3. take a deep breath each time before you speak;
   
4. ask one another which tones you like and which trigger your primitives.
   

KEEPING THINGS STRAIGHT—THE HIPPOCAMPUS

A harmonious relationship is one in which the partners each know who they are, and also know who the other is. They possess a basic sense of orientation within themselves and within their relationship, and this underlies their communications. They don’t unnecessarily confuse one another. And if confusion ever does arise, they are able to sort it out with relative ease. We could say both that they’re good at keeping things straight and that they know how to be straight with one another.

This is accomplished by another ambassador, the
hippocampus
. Its shape resembles that of a seahorse (
hippos
is “horse” in Greek), and its function is to track important stuff, such as where we are, where we’re going, what just happened, and what happened weeks and months ago. It helps us remember who we are and what we’re talking about.

Our hippocampus is a key ambassador because of its role in memory, its control of antistress hormones, and its ability to encode and retrieve information about our surroundings and directions. If you’ve ever been to London, you may be aware that the taxicab drivers there are famous for knowing where they are and where to go. They seem to have an internal virtual map enabling them to place things in spatial memory more accurately than the average person can. In fact, researchers who studied these cabbies’ brains discovered they had a hippocampus larger than that of people who don’t drive for a living. Not only that, but the cabbies’ hippocampi actually grew larger as they spent more time on the job (Maguire et al. 2000).

For our purposes, the hippocampus is significant because it is involved with placing relationship events in time, sequence, and context. Not only does it help us find physical locations (e.g., where to meet our partner for lunch), it also helps us encode and play back who did what, when and where, and with whom. The amygdalae are the prime culprits in disabling the hippocampus during times of war. For this reason, couples at war can be at risk for memory difficulties. Like Leia and Franklin, who argued over the events on Valentine’s Day, they can get embroiled in continual struggles to reconstruct and sequence stressful relationship events, and neither partner can accurately recall who said what and when. Any attempts to establish agreement only intensify the battle. In extreme cases, this constant war can literally cause our amygdalae to grow and our hippocampus to shrink!

If Leia and Franklin’s ambassadors had been functioning during their argument, one or both could have said, “Oh yeah, I remember I did say that,” or “You’re right, that was a difficult night we had.” Instead of each trying to prove the other wrong, they could have compared notes and pieced together the relevant history. Or, for that matter, one of them could have said, “You know, those details don’t really matter right now. I’m more interested in what you’re feeling.”

REMAINING EMPATHIC—THE INSULA

A special nod must be given to the
insula
. This ambassador gives us the ability to pick up our own body sensations, gut feelings, and heart beat. It is responsible for our ability to attach to another person, to have an orgasm, and to feel disgust. For our purposes, the insula is a vital contributor to feeling empathy. Thus, it is an especially important ambassador in the grand scheme of love.

Staying Connected—The Right Brain

Led by the social chairperson of our brain, our ambassadors are focused on keeping us connected with others, especially our partner and family members. The ambassador who takes the lead in this role is the
right hemisphere
of our brain, or more simply our
right brain
.

The right brain carries our imagination, artfulness, and overarching sense of things. It is speechless, yet elegantly communicative in other ways. A great deal of our humanity, our empathy, and our ability to connect comes from this ambassador. It is by far the expert on all things social, including reading facial expressions, vocal tones, and body language.

Had either Leia’s or Franklin’s right brains been fully engaged, they probably wouldn’t have ended up at war in the first place. One or the other might have suggested they pull the car over and talk face-to-face and eye-to-eye, or perhaps used a well-placed touch to signal friendliness and affection.

The skillful use of vocal tone, direct eye contact, and touch are all the workings of the right brain. This ambassador is superior at picking up social cues of distress and responding to them effectively, particularly through nonverbal actions or interactions that convey friendliness and warmth. These qualities are a couple’s greatest antidote to war.

Talking It Out—The Left Brain

Nonverbal connection can go a long way toward keeping love alive. But it alone is insufficient. For this reason, our right brain has a colleague: the
left hemisphere
of our brain, or simply our
left brain
. The left brain understands the importance of detail and precision. Its ability to speak its mind is legendary. In fact, it has the gift of gab and can be quite the little chatterbox.

Had Leia’s and Franklin’s left brains remained engaged, either or both could have made creative and meaningful statements that, if not leading to an immediate solution, might have given them a sense of possibility, newness, and relief. Either could have avoided war by saying things such as “I realize this makes you crazy but…” or “I know we can work this out…” or “I realize this is important to you, so what if we…?” Their words would have conveyed friendliness, consideration, and thoughtfulness, potentially offsetting the influence of their primitives and allowing them to talk things out to the point of relief.

You may have heard or read in the popular press about the distinction between right-brain people and left-brain people. Usually this refers to a tendency to be either more nonverbal and intuitive, or more verbal and logical. In fact, some partners have a stronger right brain and weaker left brain. These partners tend to communicate and process threat with less emphasis on talk and more emphasis on feeling and expression. Other partners have a stronger left brain and a weaker right brain; their emphasis is more likely on logic, ideas, and talk, and less on feeling and emotional sensitivity. Of course, others are blessed with strong ambassadors of both types.

Standing in Each Other’s Shoes: The Orbitofrontal Cortex

For a couple bubble to be created, all the ambassadors must work together in an atmosphere of friendliness, openness, kindness, lovingness, and other positive ’nesses. When they do so, it is under the direction of the
orbitofrontal cortex
. As ambassadors go, no other is as powerful and influential. Connected with almost every part of our brain, the orbitofrontal cortex is responsible for setting the stage for love. It is because of the orbitofrontal cortex that we are able to be curious about our mind and the minds of others. The orbitofrontal cortex is our moral and empathic center, and most importantly, can communicate with ambassadors and primitives alike. At times of impending war, it falls primarily to the orbitofrontal cortex to talk our primitives down. And the orbitofrontal cortex does this not so much by presenting a logical, debate-winning argument, as by providing feedback that enables the primitives to chill. It also allows us to feel empathy.