Wired for Love (5 page)

Sometimes partners in this situation want to bargain: “Can I just take you with the parts I like, and we’ll agree to hold the rest?”

Sorry. This isn’t a burger joint, where you get to hold the pickles and lettuce. You want it and you buy it as is, or you move on. I realize this might sound harsh. But I have said as much to couples. And generally they respond by taking stock of the situation. They recognize the toll their ambivalence is taking on the relationship. Then they are able to move clearly in one direction or the other.

Are We Ready?

I’m not suggesting you try to create a couple bubble prematurely. Sometimes couples find a bubble has been created at the very start of their relationship, with no effort on their parts. A good example of this occurs in
West Side Story
when the star-crossed lovers, Tony and Maria, arrive at the dance. Their newly discovered love is represented as a spotlight on them, while everyone else fades into the background. Of course, we’ll never know what would have happened if tragedy hadn’t cut short their love affair. Chances are they would have had to work to maintain their couple bubble.

It is important to remember that the casual dating and courtship phases are different from a relationship that’s moving toward or has become imbued with a sense of permanence. In the beginning of a relationship, we are besotted and captivated by the blissful hopefulness and mutual admiration we feel. Our brains are awash in
dopamine
and
noradrenaline
, two chemicals that greatly enhance excitement, focus, and attention. When we leave each other’s orbit, our brains wrestle with diminished
serotonin
, a chemical that often calms anxiety and obsession. We find ourselves thinking, “When will I see him again?” or “Should I call her tomorrow?” and other thoughts that keep us connected to this one among billions of fishies in the social sea.

Of course, this shared lovefest obscures the fact that we don’t really yet know each other well. In the moment, who cares, right? We are a bit like a rocket that is launched with sufficient acceleration to make it to the edge of outer space, but would have to jettison its booster and engage a more enduring accelerant to go farther. In a new relationship, we’re just excited to be aiming for the stars, and assume we’ll figure everything out when we get there. But if we want the relationship to stand a chance of reaching its destination, this is precisely when we need to figure it out.

Holding to It

The couple bubble is a pact between partners in which the quid pro quo is to burden one another with the tasks of devotion and caring for the other’s safety, security, and well-being. This mutual burden determines the degree of shared gratitude and valuation you both can experience. If you think about it, when the going gets tough, the couple bubble is all you can really count on to hold your relationship together.

This doesn’t mean you won’t make mistakes along the way or accidentally hurt each other. It doesn’t mean you can never make a decision that puts yourself before the relationship, nor that you absolutely never should. These things will happen, no matter what. However, it does mean you will hold each other to your fundamental agreement: “We come first.”

Then, when either one of you makes a mistake, the other will give a gentle reminder: “Hey, I thought this is what we agreed to do for each other.” The transgressing partner can say, “Oh yeah, my bad,” and quickly fix the situation.

Exercise: The Bubble Trouble Meter

After you and your partner have entered into a couple bubble agreement, the next step is to monitor it. Although an agreement has been made, maintaining the bubble is a process. It’s ongoing. You could say the bubble assumes a life of its own. And as such, you should periodically take its pulse.

In this exercise, you will develop a bubble trouble meter. By that I mean you will identify the signs that tell you your couple bubble is not providing the safety and security it was designed to provide.

1. Over the next week, observe the level of closeness you feel between yourself and your partner. Of course, closeness naturally will undergo a certain degree of ebb and flow. What you want to do is be on the lookout for times when the ebb is serious enough to warrant sounding an alarm.
   
2. Pay special attention to those moments of trouble. What happens? What are you feeling, and what is your partner feeling? What kinds of things do you say to each other? For example, you might notice that you go off and leave your partner alone at such times. This then is a sign for your meter.
   
3. Make a list of the specific signs you identify. Share these with your partner. Discuss how you can recreate your bubble, and strengthen it to prevent further stressful incidents. Remember: the bubble protects you both! It’s yours, so keep it clean and polished every day.
   

In later chapters, we will look in more detail at how to maintain your couple bubble.

First Guiding Principle

The first principle of this book is that
creating a couple bubble allows partners to keep each other safe and secure
. Together, you and your partner can create and maintain your bubble. You agree do things for one another that no other person would be willing to do, at least not without getting paid. In fact—and this is important, so listen up—anyone who offers with no strings attached to do what partners must do for each other most definitely
wants
something from you (e.g., sex, money, commitment). If you’re in a committed relationship and someone else seems willing to fill in for your partner, watch out! As the saying goes, there’s no such thing as a free lunch.

So, the couple bubble is something you work on together. But also keep in mind that you are responsible for your end of the deal. You keep it up because you believe in the principle, not merely because your partner is or isn’t willing to do the same. It works only when both partners operate on a principled level and not on the level of “You go first.”

Here are some supporting principles to guide you:

1. Devote yourself to your partner’s sense of safety and security and not simply to your idea about what that should be. What may make you feel safe and secure may not be what your partner requires from you. Your job is to know what matters to your partner and how to make him or her feel safe and secure.
   
2. Don’t pop the bubble. Because the couple bubble has as its foundation a fundamental, implicit, and absolute sense of safety and security, neither of you should have to worry that the bubble is going to pop. Acting in an ambivalent manner, or taking a stance that is partly in and partly out of the relationship, undermines the security you have created. If this is allowed to persist, one or both of you will be forced into an auditioning position and you will lose all the benefits of the bubble you have so carefully constructed.
   
3. Make sure the bubble is mutually maintained and honored. Note, this is not codependency.
   Codependent
   partners live through or for each other, while ignoring their own needs and wants, thus leading to resentment and other emotional distress. In contrast, when partners form a couple bubble, both agree on the principles and comport themselves accordingly. For example, I can say my partner should be available to me whenever I need, but I must make myself available too, without expecting him or her to go first. Then, if my partner doesn’t comply with our agreed-upon principles, we have some talking to do. If either of us continues to renege on our principles, one of us surely will be fired
   .
   
4. Plan to use your couple bubble. It provides a safe place in which you and your partner can always ask each other for help, rely on one another, and share your vulnerabilities. It is your primary means of support and protection. For example, whenever you and your partner go into social situations, especially ones involving difficult people, you can make a plan ahead of time that insures you will both be protected by your bubble. As Greta and Bram did, work together so you can figuratively hold hands throughout the event. By holding hands I mean remaining in contact with one another, tracking one another, and being available at a moment’s notice. Rely on eye contact, physical contact, whispering, hand signals, smoke signals—whatever! Conspire together about how you will address difficult people. Perhaps you will literally hold hands or sit next to one another in their presence. We’ll further discuss how to protect your couple bubble in chapter 7. In the meantime, remember that splitting up to deal with difficult people or situations leaves you vulnerable. Together, you can be truly formidable.
   

Chapter 2

The Warring/Loving Brain: How You Can Keep the Love Alive

“A couple bubble, huh?” Shenice says to her husband as they drive home from a therapy session.

“Cool idea,” he replies, focusing on his driving.

Shenice continues, “But how can we create a bubble if only one of us is interested?”

She looks, steely eyed, toward Darius, who rolls his eyes in return.

“Don’t give me that look!” Shenice barks in response. “Maybe you’re interested but just can’t do it,” she continues. “Or what if
I
can’t do it? I mean, we’re talking about real people with real lives.”

Darius and Shenice, married seven years, with two small children, adore one another and have since high school. But despite their deep affection, together they are like firecrackers, each setting the other off, often without warning.

“Don’t put that on me!” replies Darius, and this time Shenice rolls her eyes. “I’m interested,” he says, “but you were correct when you said
you
can’t do this bubble thing. I’m not the one who forgets all about you when we go to your folks.”

“You’re bringing
that
up again?” Shenice throws her head back with exasperation.

Friends and family of this couple are familiar with their hair-trigger tempers and the scenes they often create in and outside their home, alone and with others. Whenever they get this way, their words and phrases are similar, as are the memories of hurt and betrayal.

Darius and Shenice fought in earlier relationships, all the way back to their original families. In calm moments, they speak softly; their conversations are fresh, not retreads of old arguments; and their banter is more playful. They likely are nestled in their couple bubble during these moments. However, when either perceives a threat cue from the other—which could be a shift in the eyes, a pause in speech, a roll of the eyes, or a strong exhale—love turns quickly to war. Their faces fill with blood; eyes widen; voices increase in volume; vocal pitch changes; limbs stiffen; and lips begin to smack, signaling dry mouth. They no longer appear as lovers or even friends, but as predators or enemies. Gone is the playful banter, gone are mentions of goodwill and friendliness, gone is the freshness of their conversation. Instead, their talk returns to old subjects, unanswered questions about the relationship, and familiar accusations and counter-accusations.

Why does all this happen?

Darius and Shenice, like the rest of us, have brains that specialize in threat perception and threat response. Unfortunately, our biological heritage doesn’t automatically guarantee a couple bubble for all. But it does provide mechanisms to deal with threats to our survival. This isn’t to say the whole brain is involved in warlike behavior; in fact, only part of the brain engages in threat perception and response. Other parts help us be our most loving, kind, and friendly selves. And, yes, help us create a couple bubble.

In this chapter, we take a close look at our biological inheritance, and at what it can teach us about preventing, minimizing, and recovering from the warring situations that arise in the best and worst of relationships.

Thou Shall Not Get Killed

During courtship, partners are predisposed to anticipate their best hopes coming true. As the relationship progresses and the pair become closer and more interdependent, a couple bubble may form, and the perception of permanence may emerge. This is of course what they hope for. Yet sometimes along with security comes its opposite. Fears and expectations that date back to earlier experiences of dependency, but that didn’t arise during courtship or dating, are activated as commitment to the relationship increases. As a result, partners start to anticipate the worst, not the best, from their relationship. Anticipation of the worst is not logically purposeful, nor does it necessarily surface in conscious awareness, because this type of anticipation resides in the deep and wordless part of the brain.

Much of what we do as partners is fundamentally about survival and our beastly, instinctual selves. In fact, we could say the human species has survived over millennia due to the simple imperative “Thou shall not get killed.” Love and war are both conditions of our human brain. Arguably, though, the brain is wired first and foremost for war, rather than for love. Its primary function is to ensure we survive as individuals and as a species. And it is very, very good at this.

Unfortunately, the parts of our brain that are good at keeping us from being killed are also quite stupid. “Shoot first, ask questions later” is the basic credo. For instance, if you were standing on a train track and a train were speeding toward you, you probably wouldn’t be wondering, “Hmm, how fast is this train moving? How many people are aboard? From where did it depart? And when will it arrive at its destination?” If you did, you likely would very soon be dead. Danger requires fast action, and the fastest-acting part of our brains doesn’t care about specifics, calculations, or any other factors that are time-consuming. Its job is to keep us from getting killed. Period.

So, is the brain good at keeping us alive? Definitely. But is it bad at love? You betcha! Our brain’s survival skills can be at odds with love and relationship. The things we do to keep from getting killed often are exactly the things that keep us from getting into a relationship or staying in one.