Wishes and Tears (22 page)

She gently touched her stomach. ‘I will never part with you whatever happens,' she said softly. ‘Never.'

Twice during the following morning Paula had telephoned Sue but she wasn't at home. She was anxious to speak to her, so when Sue walked into her office Paula leapt up to greet her.

‘Sue, I'm so pleased to see you.' She held her close for a moment.

Sue laughed. ‘What have I done to get a welcome like this?'

‘Can you stay and have a bit of lunch?'

‘Only if you're paying.'

‘It can go on expenses. I'll just get my jacket.'

They walked out into the late April sunshine.

‘I love this time of year,' said Paula, closing her eyes and holding her head up to feel the warmth of the sun on her face. ‘It's a promise of what's in store for us. All the buds are beginning to open to start a new life.'

Sue laughed. ‘Hark at you. I must say it's certainly given you a spring in your step and you look positively blooming. Mind you, can't say I like the light nights that much. I have a job to get the boys to bed when the sun's still shining.'

‘Is that what being a mother is all about?'

Sue nodded. ‘That and countless other things, but then I wouldn't change any of it.'

They reached a restaurant where Paula knew they could sit quietly and talk.

They studied the menu and ordered.

‘How are the boys getting on at school?'

‘They love it. I think they tell their teacher all that goes on at home.'

‘That could be embarrassing. How long have they been there now?'

‘Since September. I do miss them through the day, though—no mess and no one to shout at.'

‘Don't worry, they'll be on holiday soon so you'll be able to make up for it then.'

‘So, what's this all about? You didn't bring me here to discuss my kids.'

Paula smiled. ‘You can read me like a book.' She sat forward and said in a low voice, ‘I'm pregnant.'

Sue's pale blue eyes opened wide. ‘Are you sure?'

Paula nodded.

‘How far gone are you?'

‘About six weeks.'

‘I thought you were on the pill.'

‘I was.'

‘Is it ... his?'

Paula sat back. ‘Of course. What do you take me for?'

‘Just asked, that's all. Does he know?'

‘Yes.'

‘Are you pleased?'

‘Over the moon.'

‘And what does he say about it?'

‘He wants to pay for an abortion.'

‘What?' yelled Sue.

‘Shh,' said Paula looking round at the raised heads.

Sue quickly put her hand to her mouth. ‘Sorry about that, but he's such a bastard. I don't like what he's doing to you and his wife. Talk about having your cake and eating it.'

‘She knows about us.'

‘Does she? You've only got his word for it. You've never met her.'

‘Well, hardly. He can't go up to her and say, “By the way, this is my bit on the side.”'

‘So ...' Sue stopped as their food was put in front of them. ‘Thank you,' she said to the waiter and picked up her knife and fork. ‘So,' she repeated, ‘what's going to happen?'

‘How do you mean?'

‘Are you going to have an abortion?'

‘No, course not. I stopped taking the pill because I want a baby.'

‘Are you sure?'

‘Yes.'

‘What about your job and your flat and a thousand other things - that's without not having a husband in tow.'

‘I have thought very carefully about this and it's what I want.'

Sue smiled. ‘Good. I know you're sensible and would have thought this through. So when's it due?'

‘December. It could even be a Christmas baby.'

‘That's bad timing. Poor little mite won't have any birthday presents.'

‘Yes, it will. Sue, I'm so thrilled about it.'

Sue touched her hand. ‘So am I. You'll make a smashing mum and I'll always be around to help in any way I can. Now I think we should have a glass of wine to wish you both good health.'

Paula smiled. She knew she had done the right thing.

‘What are you going to do about his lordship?'

‘I don't know. I suppose he'll get fed up with me when I start getting fatter.'

‘Are you upset about that?'

‘I was last night, but now, strangely, no. I knew he might find a younger woman one day, but I thought he might have been a little more enthusiastic about being a father.'

‘Will he help to support it?'

Paula shrugged her shoulders. ‘I'll have to wait and see about that.' She looked at her watch. ‘We'd better be quick. I have a client at two.'

‘Yes, of course. When are you seeing him?'

‘Tonight.'

‘Well, give me a ring after he goes if it's not too late.' She gave her a sly grin. ‘And if you've got any energy left.'

‘Don't be cheeky.'

Outside they kissed each other's cheek and went off in different directions.

Paula felt happy. She knew she could always rely on Sue, even if Trevor did desert her.

 

That evening while Paula sat waiting for Trevor she was trying to evaluate how she felt towards him. At least, despite his early talk about divorce, he would never leave his wife. She admired him for that, while acknowledging he had lied at the start of their affair. Perhaps he'd come in this evening with a bottle of wine and a bouquet of flowers, tell her how much he loved her and wanted their baby. Then they would make love.

She got her usual tingle of anticipation when she heard his key in the lock, and jumped up from the sofa to greet him.

There were no flowers or wine. He came to her and holding her tight kissed her willing mouth.

‘I wasn't sure you would be here tonight,' she whispered as he kissed her neck.

‘Why?' He held her at arm's length.

‘I thought that after last night ...'

‘That's why I'm here. Let's sit down.' He took her hand and led her to the sofa. He sat in the armchair opposite and leaned forward.

‘Paula, I've been giving a great deal of thought to what you told me and, well, I don't think it's such a good idea.'

She wasn't sure what she was expecting him to say.

‘I will make the necessary arrangements for you to go away. You will, of course, go to a private clinic. You can tell people you are going on holiday - that way no one will be any the wiser. We can go abroad for a week when it's all over. A week in the sun will do you good.'

She sat staring at him. ‘You don't understand, do you? I want this baby. I don't want to be sent away like some silly adolescent.'

He stood up. ‘Well, I think you are being very selfish. You are throwing away not only your happiness, but mine as well. We enjoy a wonderful life together but we won't be able to if you go ahead with this ... this stupid half-baked thing.' He stood up and took a cigarette from the box on the mantelshelf.

Paula watched him blow smoke into the air. ‘Trevor, I'm sorry this has upset you, but I am determined to have this baby and if you don't like it then I'm afraid it's over between us.'

He looked stunned. ‘I don't believe this. You would put a baby before me? After all we've meant to each other?'

Paula could feel the tears stinging the backs of her eyes. She wasn't going to cry in front of him. She didn't want to turn him away, but what choice did she have?

He ground his cigarette into the ashtray. ‘In that case you'd better have this.' He dived his hand into his jacket pocket and threw her door key on to the coffee table. ‘I'll always love you, Paula, and if at some time you see things my way I would be pleased to start all over again.'

She didn't see him out. The door slamming echoed round the silent flat. Tears began to fall. Was she being stupid? Is this what she really wanted? Why couldn't he see things her way? Why couldn't she have a baby and Trevor?

The shrill ring of the telephone made her jump. She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand.

‘Hello,' she said into the receiver.

‘My God, you sound awful. Is he still there? Just answer yes or no.'

‘Sue.' Paula began to cry.

‘Paula! Paula, are you all right?' Sue's voice was full of anguish.

Paula sniffed. ‘Yes. Sorry about that.'

‘Has he gone?'

‘Yes.'

‘Right, I'm coming round.'

‘You don't have to.'

‘Yes I do. That's what friends are for. See you in a bit.' The phone was replaced.

Paula went into the bathroom to repair her make-up. She blew her nose. ‘Oh, what the heck! I don't have to put on a show for Sue,' she said to her reflection in the mirror. ‘She'd rather I put the kettle on.'

Sue was round in less than half an hour.

‘Right, what's happened?' she asked, removing her jacket.

‘He's gone.'

‘For good?'

Paula, fighting back the tears, nodded. ‘I think so. I've made some coffee.'

‘Good. We have got some talking to do. After we've had coffee, of course.'

‘Yes, Mum,' Paula laughed half-heartedly.

They went into the kitchen together.

‘Now have you been to the doctor?'

‘Yes.'

‘So it's definite?'

‘Yes.'

Sue suddenly threw her arms round Paula. ‘I'm so pleased for you. I know this is what you want.'

‘Don't. You'll have me in tears again.'

‘You can blame that on your hormones. How long do you intend to work?'

‘As long as I can. I'm going to sell this flat and get a small house. I thought of round your way. Kennington's nice and the properties there hold their prices.'

‘And we've got the lovely park. You know I'll give you any help and advice I can.'

‘I know that.'

‘If you like I'll come to the hospital with you.'

‘That'll be nice. Don't fancy those blood tests—might pass out on them.'

‘Well, you let me know. I can always get Mum to look after the boys, and she can bring them home from school if need be. She doesn't mind, in fact she thinks it's great to look after them. I don't like to put on her, but I know she gets lonely since Dad went.'

‘That was very sad.'

‘It was quick, just the way he wanted to go.'

‘But not so good for you and your mum.'

‘True. But hey, come on, cheer up. I'm here to talk about your forthcoming event.'

Paula felt happier telling Sue her hopes and fears and they talked for hours.

‘Look at the time,' said Sue. ‘Harry will think I've left home.'

‘Well, if he's locked you out you'll have to sleep here.'

‘He's not that daft. There's no way he could cope with getting himself and the boys ready in the morning.' She laughed. ‘No, I know I'm indispensable.'

‘You're very lucky.'

They said their good nights and Sue left. When Paula closed the door she smiled to herself. She was so fortunate to have such a good loyal friend. This wasn't the first time in her life that Sue had come to her rescue but this time Paula was a lot older and a lot wiser, and she was in charge of her own destiny.

She gently patted her stomach. ‘At least you'll be all mine. Come on, my little darling, it's time for bed.'

The next four weeks, apart from slight morning sickness, Paula felt fit and happy. At first she had been hurt and upset that there hadn't been any word from Trevor, but she knew she had to accept that his part in her life was now over, and was surprised how easy it was getting to live without him. Having Trevor around had always been a hit-and-miss affair. Some nights she would prepare a meal and wait for his key in the door; most times he didn't even bother to phone to say he couldn't make it. On two of her birthdays when he had promised to take her out she had sat dressed up waiting, but he hadn't turned up. She couldn't phone him at home as he had told her she mustn't worry Glenda. On both occasions when she had phoned his office the following day he had said he'd been out of town and hadn't been able to make it. She had loved him and they say that love is blind. Now she knew she had been silly as well.

They all knew about the forthcoming baby at the office and her boss said she could stay as long as she wanted to, which was good news as she would need all the money she could get.

She was going to put her flat on the market and had been looking at houses near to where Sue lived. She was now ready to move forward.

Sue had been with her on her first visit to the hospital and everything appeared to be fine.

 

Janet looked at the notes she was holding and carefully read them over again. Could this be really happening? Was this patient really a Miss Paula Brook? Could it be her Paula? She was cross with herself; Brook was a common name. But to have the same Christian name - it was too much of a coincidence. When she checked her date of birth, 2 March 1954, Janet felt her knees buckle. She knew then that all her years of searching, and the anguish and secret hopes since first seeing her daughter so briefly, were over. Now Paula was about to walk into her life.

The memory of that dreadful day sixteen years ago when she finally found her, and her adopted father was so angry he almost threw her out, was still with her. Seeing Paula's sad face at the window was something she would never forget. Was she ever told who I was? Janet wondered.