Wishes and Tears (34 page)

‘This flat and these stairs don't help,' said Sue on the Saturday before Christmas, when she called on Paula unexpectedly and found her crying. ‘What's wrong?'

‘I feel so tired and so low.'

‘Well, look what you've been through. Why don't you go and stay with Janet? You know she's more than happy to take some of the worry off you.'

‘I know, but I can't keep leaning on her.'

‘She loves it. Don't you see, she's trying so hard to make up for all the years she wasn't around?'

‘Yes, I know.'

‘Well, then?'

‘I was going on Monday, but do you think she'd mind if I went today?'

‘Give her a ring and then let me help you get your things sorted out.'

 

Janet came struggling in with a large Christmas tree just as the phone rang. She could hardly contain herself when Paula asked if she could come round today instead of Monday.

‘Do you want any help?'

‘No, Sue's here with me. I'll be round as soon as I can.'

When Janet put the phone down she sat and reflected on past Christmases. She had always spent them either with Danny and Tina, or Freda and Charlie. She had always enjoyed them but this one was going to be the best ever. It would be special, even though they still had a cloud hanging over them. She was going to have her daughter and granddaughter with her in her own home. She had never bought a Christmas tree or put up decorations before. She was crying with happiness, excitement and anticipation at what lay ahead. They all had a wonderful future together. ‘I only hope this isn't just a dream,' she whispered to herself.

The bang of the postman pushing the letters through the door brought her back. She wiped her eyes with the flat of her hand and picked the letters from off the mat. There was one from Mark. He had written when he'd first returned to Canada, but she hadn't bothered to write back; at the time she had had too much to cope with. As she opened it she felt guilty; she hadn't even thought to send him a Christmas card.

The card was lovely, and the letter was about how much his mother was enjoying her stay. He was going to bring her home sometime in January. He said he was hoping to be in England for about two weeks. He'd give Janet a ring and perhaps they could go out for a meal.

She sat staring at the paper. Was he trying to come back into her life? Did she want him back? The only thing she was certain of was that she would never leave Paula and the baby to go to Canada.

She quickly put the card and the letter to one side. The tree had to be put in a pot and the lights and all the baubles she had bought were waiting to transform the tree into something magical. This was a job she had been waiting all her life to do. A job that she could only do now she had found her daughter.

 

Paula, with Sue close behind, came struggling in with all of Janie's paraphernalia.

‘I'd forgotten how much stuff one little bundle creates,' said Sue, putting the bags she was carrying on the floor.

‘You didn't mind me coming here today, did you?' asked Paula.

‘Mind?' said Janet. ‘I'm only happy when you two are around. Sue, can you give me a hand taking some of this upstairs?'

In the bedroom Sue said, ‘She's feeling a bit low.'

‘I gathered that.'

‘I suggested she came here today. I hope that was all right.'

‘You know it's what I want, but I must let her make the first move, I mustn't force myself on her.'

‘She'll probably feel better when her treatment's finished.'

‘I hope so. I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that everything will be all right.'

‘Thank God she's got you.'

When they returned to the lounge Paula said, ‘I love the tree.'

‘After we've had something to eat, that can be a job for you to do while I put up the decorations. This is going to be the best Christmas I've ever had.'

‘Let's hope it won't be my last,' said Paula softly.

For a moment or two both Sue and Janet were speechless.

Then Janet said angrily, ‘Don't talk like that. You've got everything to live for.'

‘Yes, I have, but at the moment I don't know if I've got the strength.'

‘I'll make a cup of tea,' said Sue, leaving the room. When she was in the kitchen she stood and cried; it was with a strange mix of sorrow and gratitude for them both. They had been so brave through all of this. Thank God they had each other to help them carry on.

Despite the nagging fear they were both feeling, Christmas had exceeded their expectations, though, much too soon, it was all over.

‘You don't have to go home tomorrow, you know,' Janet said to Paula as they sat round the fire on Boxing Night.

Paula was feeding Janie, and Janet was holding the tiny fingers, marvelling at the tight grip she had on her.

‘Perhaps I could stay for a few more days, just till after the New Year.'

‘You'd like that, wouldn't you?' Janet said to her granddaughter. She was sure she gave her a smile, despite the bottle's teat in her mouth, although Paula would have said it was wind.

‘I don't know how I would have managed without you,' said Paula.

‘Don't even think about it.'

‘When I first thought about having a baby I just assumed that Trevor would have been as happy as I was. I knew he would never be a full-time father but I thought he would at the very least have been a bit interested. We got on so well together. I never expected him to react like he has and I never thought I'd get ill. I just assumed my life would be perfect.' Paula fished in her pocket for a tissue to wipe her eyes. ‘He didn't even send me a Christmas card. I was very hurt about that.'

‘Perhaps he had a good reason.'

‘It can't be his wife. That's never stopped him before. Especially when he wanted to share my bed.'

‘Now don't start getting upset over it. It's all in the past.'

Paula looked down at her baby. ‘He doesn't know what he's missing, does he?'

Janet smiled. ‘No, he doesn't.'

‘I would never ask him for money, you know.'

‘You don't have to.'

‘I am still thinking of selling my flat and getting a small house.'

‘You don't have to hurry to do anything.'

‘It wouldn't have hurt him to send his daughter a Christmas present.'

‘Does he know he's got a daughter?'

She nodded. ‘I phoned him and told him.'

‘What did he say?'

‘“That's nice.” '

‘Was that it?'

‘Yes. Just two words.'

Janet could think of more than two words to call him, but they weren't very ladylike.

‘You didn't tell him about the treatment you're having, then?'

‘No. He would think I was trying to worm my way back into his affections.'

‘Do you love him?'

‘I did once, but I knew he could never be mine.'

‘Didn't you have other boyfriends?'

‘Yes, but they weren't a patch on Trevor. He was so worldly and mature. But that's all over now.' She took the empty bottle away from Janie and put her over her shoulder.

Janie gave a loud burp and they both laughed.

‘I'm enjoying this so much,' said Janet.

‘So am I,' said Paula with genuine pleasure. She turned to her baby. ‘And we don't need your father to help us, do we?'

Janet felt tears pricking, and she had to look away.

 

After quietly celebrating the New Year, and with just one week left before her treatment finished, Paula went home. She appeared to be a lot happier and was beginning to cope.

Janet was feeling very lonely and the house seemed empty without a baby, her washing and her feeding bottles around. She knew she shouldn't go round to Paula's as it would seem she was always interfering.

On the Monday evening, when Janet came home from work, her phone was ringing. She was hoping it was Paula, ringing to ask to come round.

‘Hello.' Janet felt her heart quicken when she heard Mark's voice. ‘Where are you?'

‘At home. At Ma's. I was wondering if I could come and see you on Wednesday. I've got a car - perhaps we can go out for a meal.'

‘I don't know.'

‘Please, Jan. I'm only here for two weeks.'

‘Well, all right. Look, give me your mother's number and if I find I can't make it I'll give you a ring.'

‘OK.' He read out the number, which she wrote down. ‘Jan, don't let me down.'

‘Will you be seeing Danny?'

‘No, I won't have time. I'm sorting out some business over here.'

‘That's a shame, he and Tina would have liked to have seen you.'

‘Yes, but give them my regards, won't you?'

‘Of course.'

‘Jan, you will come out with me?'

‘Yes. I'll be ready about seven, is that all right?'

‘That'll be fine. Did you get my card?'

‘Yes, thank you. I'm sorry I didn't send you one, but, well, life has been a bit hectic.'

‘Is that because of the new baby?'

‘Yes.' She wasn't going to burden him with her problems.

‘Ma was really surprised when I told her about that.'

I bet she was, thought Janet. I bet all the village knows now. Poor Mother, all her dirty linen will really have come out of the closet.

‘Janet, since I saw you last there's a few things I'd like to talk to you about.'

‘Oh, what's that?'

‘I'll leave it till Wednesday. Bye.'

She replaced the receiver and stood looking at it. What did he want to talk about? Why couldn't he tell her over the phone? Perhaps his mother was there and he didn't want her to hear. Had he been to see her mother? Did she know she was a great-grandmother? Did she want to see Paula and Janie?

Janet was excited about seeing Mark again and found herself singing. She smiled to herself - she was behaving like a young girl. Then her thoughts went to Paula. What news would she be given on Friday when her treatment was concluded?

 

Janet told Paula that Mark was back here and she was going out to dinner with him.

‘I'm so pleased for you.'

‘I can't wait to tell him about Janie.'

‘What if he wants you to go back with him?'

Janet laughed. ‘What, and leave you two? You must be joking.'

‘Janet, you shouldn't keep putting us before your happiness. What if I met someone and wanted to move away, how would I feel about that?'

Janet was stunned. It had never crossed her mind that Paula might want to marry. ‘I would never stand in your way, whatever happened,' she said softly.

‘So,' said Paula, ‘that's how I feel, too. Now you go out and enjoy yourself.'

On Wednesday Janet eagerly waited for Mark. He arrived a little early but she had been ready for almost an hour.

When she opened the door he kissed her cheek.

‘I'm ready,' she said, moving forward and closing the door behind her. She didn't want to ask him in; she wanted him at a distance.

‘You look lovely. How's your family?'

Janet smiled. That was a wonderful phrase. Your family. ‘We have had a few ups and downs.'

‘You'll have to tell me about it.'

They got into the car and headed for the restaurant they had been to before.

‘What was it you were not saying on the phone?'

‘I couldn't say too much with Ma breathing down my neck, but I went to see your mother. I told her about your daughter and your granddaughter. She said she knew, that you'd been there.'

‘Yes, we went back last summer and she told us to go, she didn't want to speak to us.'

‘Why didn't you tell me?'

‘Didn't see the point. It wasn't any concern of yours. You live in Canada and I'm over here and I didn't think I'd see you again, and besides, my mother made it perfectly clear that she didn't want to see us. I think she was worried what the village would say.'

‘I think she's changed her tune now. She's in a rest home. I don't think she's that well.'

Janet was filled with guilt. ‘You've seen her?'

He nodded. ‘Yes.'

‘But why?'

‘I don't know really. In a way I wanted to find out if I was in any way to blame - why you had rejected her. But now I know it was the other way round. She said she wanted nothing to do with you.'

‘That's nice.'

Mark drove into the car park. ‘It's a shame.'

They had a drink and ordered their meal.

‘Did your mother like Canada?'

‘Yes, very much. I think she's coming out for good.'

‘So we won't be seeing you over here any more then?'

‘That depends.'

‘On what?'

‘Two things really. First, my firm maybe opening a place over here, and the other is you.'

Janet looked up from her plate. ‘Why me?'

‘I'd like you to come to Canada with me.'

‘Please, Mark, don't spoil the evening. We've been through all this before, twenty-five years ago, remember?'

‘That was when you were looking for your daughter, but now you've found her it's about time you started to think about yourself.'

‘She needs me more than ever now.'