Wishes and Tears (32 page)

All this time, after her first outburst, Paula, who was cradled in Janet's arms, was silent. Only her gentle sobs and wet tears spreading across Janet's blouse told of the terror she was going through.

One by one doctors, nurses and the radiotherapy doctor came and went, each one discussing Paula almost as if she wasn't there.

Finally they were told they could go. The hospital would notify Paula as soon as it was possible to move the lists round.

‘Don't worry about it,' said Paula, and her voice sounded so small and far away. ‘I'm not having my baby put in any danger.'

‘It won't be,' said Janet.

‘I shall wait till it's born.'

‘You can't,' said Janet.

‘It's my body and my baby.'

‘Paula, you can't.' Janet wanted to crumple in a heap. ‘Please, Doctor, tell her she's wrong.'

‘I'm afraid she's right. It is her decision although I think she is putting her own life at risk. The longer we leave the treatment the larger the growth will become.'

‘Paula, listen to the doctor.'

‘I want to give my baby every chance.'

‘It will have.' Janet wanted to shake Paula. ‘Please, Doctor, can't you make her see sense?'

‘See how she feels in the morning. Come and see me when you've decided.'

Janet helped Paula from the bed. She suddenly seemed like a little girl, small and vulnerable.

Slowly they walked in silence till they reached the car park, then Paula began to laugh. It was a loud hysterical laugh and at the same time tears were running down her cheeks.

‘Paula, what's wrong?'

‘Me and you. We really are of the same mould. Both cursed.' She leant against the car and cried. They were bitter, angry tears. ‘Don't you see? You spend your life looking for me, then when you find me I'm going to die on you. Now my baby is going to be like me, it'll have no mum to love and look after it.'

Janet felt as if she'd been shot. All the hurt she'd suffered these past years was bearing down on her. This shouldn't be happening. What could she say? ‘Paula, don't say such things. Don't be such a pessimist.'

‘What else can I do, start singing “Always Look on the Bright Side of Life”?'

‘Now you're being silly.'

‘Am I? I don't want to die.'

Janet felt herself tense. She wanted to scream out, ‘You are not going to die.' Instead she said softly, ‘Remember what they said. Let's take one step at a time and see how you feel tomorrow.'

Paula's mind was racing when she got into Janet's car. What was going to happen to her baby? How much time did she have? Suddenly she knew she had to be positive. She mustn't think about herself; she had to make plans for her baby's welfare. Tomorrow she would see about making a will.

 

At first Paula moved in with Janet but after a week of tears, frustration and worry, the arrangement was not working. Paula decided she wanted to go home. She had completely dismissed the idea of having a Caesarean and Janet knew that if she kept nagging she would lose her. Sue also gave up as she too knew Paula had made up her mind.

Two weeks passed in which Janet hadn't seen Paula. She phoned but the conversation was always curt and cut short. Janet tearfully phoned Sue, who told her Paula was keeping herself to herself. Sue hadn't seen much of Paula and she was also very worried. On Sunday morning they decided to meet outside Paula's flat. They went up the stairs together and rang her bell.

Janet gasped when Paula opened the door.

‘What do you two want?' Her eyes had lost their sparkle and had dark rings under them. Her hair was lank and untidy.

‘Oh, that's very nice,' said Sue, pushing past her and walking in.

‘Paula, you don't look well,' said Janet, following Sue.

‘Have you forgotten I'm pregnant and I've got cancer?'

‘No, of course we haven't. We're both very worried about you.'

‘I'll make a cuppa,' said Sue, moving towards the kitchen. ‘My God,' she called out. ‘The state of this place.'

Paula looked guilty. ‘Well, I didn't feel like doing any clearing up.'

‘I can see that,' said Sue, standing in the doorway.

‘What's the point when I'm going to die anyway?'

‘I do love your positive attitude,' said Sue. Janet could see her hands shaking. ‘But what about that little bundle you're carrying? Do you intend to bring it home to this pigsty?'

Janet felt uncomfortable. She could see the lovely flat was in turmoil. Only Sue could talk to Paula like this.

‘Right, Jan, can you give me a hand to clear up this mess?' said Sue.

Janet quickly moved to the kitchen.

‘You don't have to, you know,' said Paula.

‘I'm not drinking tea here till I wash some of this lot. You can't live like this. What on earth has got into you? You've always been so fussy.' Sue began to fill the sink with water and dirty crocks.

Paula stood and looked at them and suddenly tears ran down her face. ‘What's going to happen to my baby?'

Janet threw the tea towel on to the unit and gathered Paula into her arms.

‘Have you decided yet what you're going to do?' asked Sue softly.

Paula nodded. ‘As I'm now over seven months I've decided to go ahead with the Caesarean.'

‘Thank God for that,' said Sue.

‘And the mastectomy?'

Paula shook her head. ‘I don't think I could bear to look at my body after that. Besides, who would want me then? I know Trevor couldn't bear to look at me.'

‘Has Trevor been in touch then?' asked Sue quickly.

‘No.'

‘I can tell you that any man that was worth his salt would love you as you are,' said Sue.

Paula looked at her. ‘It's all right for you, you've got a good man.'

Janet felt ill at ease. ‘Look, you have a rest, then we'll pack your case and you move in with me. We can sort anything else out later.'

‘We'd better get this flat in some sort of order first,' said Sue, pulling on rubber gloves.

 

A week later Janet and Sue kissed Paula goodbye and left her in bed waiting to be prepared for her Caesarean. Despite all the talking and nagging she was still adamant, she wasn't going to have a mastectomy. Dr Parker was going to do a wedge operation to remove the growth a few days after she'd had the baby.

Janet sat with Sue as they waited in the coffee shop.

‘I'm so worried,' said Janet, playing with the spoon in the saucer of her third cup of coffee.

‘I know,' said Sue.

‘This had been the longest week of my life.'

‘It's a good thing she's got you to turn to. She told me she had phoned Trevor and told him the baby was going to be born today.'

‘Yes. She didn't tell him why and he didn't ask.'

‘She said he was very offhand.'

‘Yes, he was, and that really upset her.'

‘That sounds like him. Is he going to give her any financial support?'

‘She said she wants nothing from him.'

‘But how will she manage?'

‘Don't worry, we will. It gives me a chance to make up for all the lost years.'

‘If you ask me I think she's better off without him.'

‘I don't know. Do you know if she loves him?'

‘She did once but not now.'

‘A bit like me in some ways,' said Janet wistfully.

‘You managed to get to see Mark then?'

Janet nodded. ‘Only the once on our own.' Sue knew that Mark had been staying with Danny and everybody knew their story. ‘He's back in Canada now.'

‘Are you sorry you didn't get a chance to meet him again?'

‘In some ways it would have been nice, but there you go, that's the story of my life.' She gave a little laugh.

‘I'll phone Danny and Freda as soon as we know about the baby.'

‘Just think, today you're going to be a grandmother.'

Although tears were stinging her eyes, somehow Janet managed to smile. ‘Friday, the ninth of November. We shall soon know if it's a boy or a girl.'

‘Do you mind which?'

Janet shook her head. ‘I hope they are both going to be all right.'

Sue gently touched Janet's hand. ‘I'm sure they will be. Paula is very much like you, a very determined young lady, and like you she will go to any lengths for what she wants.'

‘I hope so. I was worried when she started saying she wasn't going to have a seven-month baby.'

‘She was determined to hang on a little longer, just to give it a better chance.'

‘What about her? What chance does she have?'

‘I'm not going to even think about that.'

‘D'you want another cuppa?' asked Janet.

‘Why not? I'll get them.'

When Sue walked away Janet's thoughts went to Freda and the baby she'd lost. She'd been eight months. Janet hadn't told anyone of her fears. She closed her eyes and said a silent prayer for Paula.

At long last a nurse came up to them.

‘Miss Slater?'

‘Yes?' said Janet, jumping to her feet.

‘You have a dear little granddaughter. As she only weighs four and a half pounds she is in intensive care, but you will be able to see her soon.'

‘How is my daughter?'

‘As well as can be expected.'

‘Can I see her?'

‘As soon as we've tidied her up. By the way, have you got a name for the baby?'

Fear gripped Janet. ‘Why? Is something wrong?'

The nurse smiled. ‘No, it's just that we like to know if there's a name we can put on her wristband.'

‘Is the baby all right?'

‘Yes. She's beautiful.'

Janet slumped back down on to the seat.

Sue, who all this time had been silent, said, ‘Well, that's the first hurdle over.'

Janet put her head in her hands and cried.

Sue sat beside Janet, staring into space. As a mother she knew what it was to love a child. She put her arms round Janet's shoulders. ‘Has Paula thought of a name?' she asked.

Janet shook her head. ‘Not really. She was thinking of Peter - that was my father's name - if it had been a boy. She said she couldn't make up her mind about a girl's name.'

‘Well, it takes time to get it right.'

When the nurse came and told them they could go and see baby Brook they both leapt to their feet and followed her. Although Janet worked at the hospital in reception she was well away from the maternity unit and the layout and the staff were new to her. Both she and Sue were very apprehensive as they walked into intensive care.

‘You must stay this side of the glass,' said the nurse as she disappeared through a door.

The bleeps and sounds from the monitors attached to the babies filled the air ominously. They moved closer to the glass partition, and Sue clutched Janet's hand when the nurse smiled and pointed to an incubator with a very small baby inside.

‘This is baby Brook.' They could just about make out what she was mouthing.

‘Welcome to the world,' said Sue softly.

Janet stood and gazed at this tiny pink bundle that had a couple of wires attached to her. She was wearing a pretty little pink bonnet and a nappy. Her thin, sticklike arms were moving about in jerky movements. Janet was having difficulty in seeing as tears fell from her eyes.

‘She's lovely,' she whispered.

They stood looking almost hypnotized. At last the nurse came out and said they could go and see Paula.

Janet blew the baby a kiss. ‘Sleep tight, my precious. We're going to see your mummy.'

Once again Janet and Sue were hurrying along the many corridors. They didn't speak till they were in the lift.

‘She's lovely,' said Sue, leaning against the wall.

‘Yes, she is.' Janet was beaming. ‘Somehow Caesarean babies' heads always seem to be pink and round.'

‘They don't have such a struggle to get into this world,' said Sue.

‘That's true.'

Janet felt a little apprehensive when they got out of the lift and made their way to Paula's room.

They were told she was in a side ward and they carefully pushed open the door.

Paula was lying on her back with her eyes closed.

When Janet and Sue walked in she opened her eyes.

‘Hello,' she croaked. ‘Have you seen her?'

Janet nodded and, pulling a chair closer, took hold of Paula's hand. ‘How are you feeling?'