Wishes and Tears (39 page)

‘I know. But we must try and keep a cheerful face.'

Sue took Janie into the kitchen and Janet went back up to Paula.

‘Who's that?' she asked in a faint sad voice.

‘Sue. She's brought some soothing gel for Janie's gums.' There wasn't a reply.

Janet sat on the chair. ‘Try to sleep.'

‘That's all I seem to do,' Paula said softly.

‘It doesn't matter.' Janet looked at Paula and her heart went out to her. Why did it have to be her?

Janet took hold of Paula's hand, as much for her own comfort as Paula's. Then she started to talk. She quietly told her of all the hopes and dreams they could have together. ‘When Janie's walking perhaps we can take her to the seaside. She'll like playing on the sand and paddling. Then later on, when she's a bit older we must take a trip to Disneyland. Freda still hasn't got over all the lovely things she saw there. America sounds wonderful.' Janet could hear her own voice droning on. Visits to the park and the seaside were all the things she would have liked to have done with Paula when she was young. She must have fallen asleep for when she opened her eyes Sue was standing next to her holding a cup of tea.

‘Janie's sleeping so I thought you might like this.'

Janet wearily took the cup and saucer.

‘She looks very peaceful,' whispered Sue, standing over Paula.

They watched the gentle rhythm of Paula's breathing. It seemed that every now and again she stopped and fear clutched at Janet's heart like a vice.

‘Why don't you go and lie down for a while?' Sue's soft voice broke the silence.

‘I can't leave her.'

‘You'll only be in the next room.'

‘I know.'

‘Please go. I'll sit here.'

Janet felt as if her eyes were hot with fatigue, and she was having trouble keeping them open. ‘Only if you're sure. What about Harry and the boys?'

‘He's calling my mother later to come and see to the children. So be off with you.'

‘You will call me ... ?'

‘Just go.'

 

Janie's cries broke into Janet's troubled dreams and she suddenly sat bolt upright. It was light. What was wrong? What time was it? She didn't remember getting on the bed. She hadn't even undressed. Quickly she hurried in to Paula. Sue was sitting in the chair giving Janie a bottle. There wasn't any change.

‘How long have I been asleep? What's the time?'

‘It's six o'clock. She hasn't moved.'

Janet sat in the chair and rubbed her eyes. ‘Have you had anything to drink?'

‘There's tea in the pot.'

‘Thanks, my mouth feels like a sewer.'

Janie let the teat slip from her mouth to give her grandmother a big smile.

Tears clouded Janet's eyes. ‘You're such a little darling,' she whispered, taking hold of Janie's tiny hand.

‘What time does the nurse get here?'

‘About ten. She's really ready for her injection before then. I wish I could give it to her. I hate to see her in pain.'

‘They wouldn't let you give someone morphine.'

‘No, I know. I always worry that one day she might be called out to another patient or held up in a traffic jam and Paula would have to wait.'

‘I don't think that would ever happen. Now go down and get yourself a cup of tea.'

‘OK. Are you sure you're all right?'

‘Yes. But I'll go home later and get some clean knickers.'

‘There's plenty of clean ones here.'

‘I know. Before I go I'll give Tina a ring. She'll come and sit with Paula or take Janie off your hands for a while and if you've got any shopping to do I can get it for you.'

‘No, we've got plenty.'

‘What about bits for Janie?'

‘I don't know.'

‘Well, have a check and let me know. And I'll take all that washing. It only needs bunging in the machine. Mum will see to it.'

Tears slowly ran down Janet's cheek. ‘I don't know what I'd do without all your help.'

‘That's what friends are for. Now drink your tea.'

‘Thanks, Sue.' Janet gave her a weak smile.

‘I'll take Janie back home with me after the nurse has been.'

At ten o‘clock Paula was restless. Janet repeatedly looked out of the window for the nurse. Where was she? Why wasn't she here? When Paula cried out Janet hurried to her side and held her close. ‘The nurse will be here soon.'

Paula looked at Janet with her deep sunken eyes. ‘Please, make this pain go away. Please, Mum.'

Janet let her tears fall. ‘If I could I would, darling. I wish it was me and not you.'

‘Mummy, I love you.' She was like a small child crying out.

How many times in her life had she called out and Janet hadn't been there to comfort her?

‘I love you, Mum. I really do.' Her voice was just above a whisper.

‘And I love you.'

Janet felt Paula go limp. She closed her eyes, she couldn't look at her. She knew it was all over. Gently Janie rocked her daughter back and forth, her tears falling on her hair. She wanted to pick her up and run away with her. She wanted to breathe life into her. She wanted to turn the clock back and recapture all those wasted years. She didn't want anyone to come and take her baby away.

 

The doorbell ringing made Janet open her eyes. She could hear voices and footsteps coming up the stairs.

Sue came and stood in the doorway of the bedroom. ‘Jan, the nurse ...'

Janet looked up at Sue and the nurse. She was still holding Paula tight. They didn't have to be told, they could see it in Janet's sad eyes.

Sue let her tears fall. The nurse very quietly moved into the room and came and sat next to Janet and gently patted her back.

‘I can't tell you how sorry I am. She was a lovely girl.'

Janet was still rocking Paula back and forth. ‘I didn't want to give her away.'

‘Of course you didn't,' said the nurse with a puzzled look. She took hold of Paula's limp hand and tried to find a pulse.

‘It was my mother's fault.'

The nurse looked at Sue and slowly shook her head.

‘Jan,' whispered Sue. ‘She's gone.'

‘No, she hasn't.'

The nurse moved away. ‘I must phone her doctor.'

Sue and the nurse left Janet to her grief.

 

For days, to Janet everything seemed to be dreamlike. People kept coming in and out of the house. Janie, and jobs, were taken out of her hands. She ate, slept and bathed almost mechanically. She was taken to the undertaker and the registrar, unable to take everything in. Whenever the phone rang there was always someone there to answer it. Sometimes she was given Janie to feed. Tina sat and talked to her, then it would be Freda, and all the while Sue was on hand.

Finally, the day she had been dreading was here. Flowers had been arriving all morning. She stood at the window and watched the florist lay the beautiful wreaths on the lawn. The sun was picking out the bright colours of the flowers. It was very quiet; even the ticking of the clock on the mantelpiece was becoming unbearable. Janet watched as a huge heart-shaped wreath of red roses was put down. She knew that must have been from Trevor. Sue had told her she'd put a notice in the paper, mainly to see if Paula's adopted father would get in touch; he hadn't but Trevor must have seen it. Would he be at the funeral? Would he have the nerve?

Janet's hands became sweaty and her mouth went dry as slowly and silently the long black shiny hearse drew up outside her door. In the simple wooden coffin was her daughter. The daughter she had spent twenty-five years of her life trying to find. Now she was being taken away from her for ever.

She had told everyone that she was taking Janie with her to the crematorium. Sue came and took her arm, while Freda was holding Janie.

Janet sat silently in the big black car behind the hearse, and stared in front of her. Her eyes never left the coffin that held her daughter. The thought that kept returning was this must be a bad dream and she was going to wake up soon.

After the service they wandered outside to admire the flowers.

Sue was standing at Janet's side. ‘There's Trevor,' said Sue, nodding towards the far side of the grounds.

Fear gripped Janet. ‘What does he want?'

‘Shall I go and tell Danny?'

‘He can't take Janie away from me, can he?'

Sue shook her head. ‘I think Danny has all that sorted.'

‘Where is she?' Janet looked round in panic. ‘Where's Janie?'

‘Don't worry, Tina's got her and I don't think Danny will let anyone come near her. I'll go and have a quiet word with Trevor.'

Janet was trembling as she stood and watched them. They were deep in conversation. Then, without a second glance, Trevor left.

‘What did you say to him?' asked Janet when Sue came back to her.

‘I told him he'd better go otherwise he could find himself in a lot of trouble. He said to give you his condolences, Paula was a lovely lady and he was very fond of her, and he said her daughter is just as lovely.'

Janet wanted to hit him for coming to share their grief.

‘He also said that he won't make any claims on Janie.'

‘That's bloody big of him.' Tears filled her eyes.

‘Now calm down, Jan.'

‘I'll kill anyone who tries to take her. I couldn't go through all that searching again.'

‘Nobody is going to take her away.'

‘I know full well they won't.'

‘Danny has put your mind at rest over that.'

Tina brought Janie to Janet, so that they could look at all the beautiful flowers and read the attached cards together.

‘We will have to write and thank all these kind people for your mummy's flowers,' she said to Janie. A movement at her side made her look up.

‘Mark.' Once again the tears flowed. ‘When? How?'

Freda came and took Janie from her and Mark held Janet close.

‘Sue phoned me and I came as soon as I could get a flight. Jan, what can I say?'

She sniffed. ‘What, all the way from Canada?'

He nodded. ‘Words aren't enough. All you've been through. I'm so sorry, Jan.'

She let herself be held. She desperately wanted comfort and love. ‘When have you got to go back?'

‘I've only managed to get a week.'

Janet noticed the congregation starting to move. ‘Have you got a car?'

‘Yes.'

‘Are you coming back to the house?'

‘I would like to.'

‘Can I come back with you?'

Mark looked around. ‘Well, if you want to, but I don't think it's the right thing for you to do.'

‘I don't care. I don't want to sit in one of those damn great cars ever again.'

‘We'd better tell Sue.'

Mark left Janet and spoke to Sue. She could see her nodding her head.

‘It's all fixed. Danny is taking care of the undertakers.'

As everybody began to leave Janet touched Mark's arm.

‘I'm so glad you're here. You didn't know my Paula. She was a wonderful girl and she would have loved you - if only you hadn't gone.'

‘Don't, Jan. Please. I've told you how many times I regretted going off without you. The times I wanted to come back to see you.'

‘But you didn't come back to see me, did you?'

‘No. Not till my father died and then I realized how short life is.'

Tears filled Janet's eyes. ‘Yes, life is bloody short.'

‘I told you that I didn't have the courage to look you up. I was frightened of being rejected.'

‘So now why this sudden interest?'

‘For years I thought you wouldn't want me messing up your life again.'

‘So you got married.'

‘I knew at the time it wasn't the right thing to do.'

‘So why did you?'

‘Please, Janet.' He looked around, feeling very embarrassed. ‘This isn't the right place or the right time either for this.'

‘Does everything always have to be just right for you then?' Janet was beginning to get angry.

‘Janet, I love you and want to—'

‘Don't.' She put her hand up to stop him. ‘I'm not going to Canada.' She straightened her shoulders. ‘I've got Janie to think of.'

‘Please, Jan. Think about her future and yours.'

‘I am.'

‘You could have a wonderful life with me.'

‘What if you run out on me again?'

‘I'll never do that.'

‘No, Mark, I'm staying here.'

‘What are you going to do?'

‘Spend the rest of my life looking after my dear granddaughter. Giving her all the love she'll never get from her mother.'

‘She would have a wonderful life in Canada.'

They reached the car.

‘Is this all you've come here for?'

He shook his head. ‘No. I came because I wanted to. To share your grief, give you a shoulder to lean on.'

‘You are twenty-six years too late.'

‘I seem to be upsetting you. Perhaps I'd better not come back with you.'

‘That's up to you. You're very good at walking out on me when I need a friend.'

‘I'm not walking out on you.'

‘No, this time I'm walking out on you.' Janet walked over to Danny, who was watching them.