Wishes and Tears (35 page)

‘You can't run her life. What if she meets someone and wants to get married? She won't want you in tow then.'

‘It isn't only that.'

‘Well, I think you're being very silly.'

‘Thanks.'

‘What is so important that would stop us from being together?'

Janet sat back. Tears filled her eyes.

‘You do still have some feelings for me, don't you?' Mark gently put his hand on hers.

‘Yes, I do.'

‘So what's stopping you from giving it a try?'

‘Mark, I don't know what the future holds for Paula.'

He gave a hollow laugh. ‘Do any of us?'

‘At the moment she's having radiotherapy treatment for cancer.'

Mark visibly sank into his chair. ‘Oh, Janet. I am so sorry. What can I say? You must think—'

‘You weren't to know.'

‘How long has she ... ?'

‘She has till the end of the week and then she finishes her treatment. Then we will have to wait and see.'

He poured her a glass of wine. ‘My poor darling. All these years—'

She raised her hand to silence him. ‘I know. I didn't want to tell you.'

‘Me and my big selfish mouth. Jan, please forgive me.'

She smiled. ‘I shall feel a lot better after Friday. We should know something then.'

‘Let's drink to her good health.' He lifted his glass. ‘To Paula.'

‘To Paula and Janie.'

‘Is that the baby's name?'

Janet nodded. ‘She's so lovely. It's marvellous when she stays with me. I get to do all the things I missed out on with Paula.'

‘I bet you make a smashing gran.'

‘I hope so.'

‘You've certainly been through it one way and another.'

‘Let's hope it's all plain sailing from now on. When are you going back?'

‘The end of the week. Got to be at work next week. If Ma does decide to come over I'll be back to give her a hand.'

‘So I might be seeing you again?'

‘Could well be, could well be.'

The rest of the evening was taken up with small talk about Stowford and Canada.

Janet looked at her watch. ‘I really must be going. I've got a long day tomorrow.'

‘That's all right. I must admit I didn't expect the evening to turn out like it did. I'm glad you told me about Paula, Jan. At least now I can understand how you feel.'

Janet smiled, but deep down she knew nobody knew how she felt. Every moment of the day and night Paula filled her thoughts and until they had a good result it would always be the same.

When they were in the car he put his hand in his pocket and brought out a small box. ‘This is for your birthday.'

‘My birthday? But it's not till—'

‘I know, the nineteenth of February.'

‘Fancy you remembering.'

‘I never forget the nineteenth and as I won't be here I thought I'd help you celebrate a month early.'

She laughed. ‘I didn't expect—'

‘Go on, open it.'

‘Thank you.' She was smiling as she opened the jewellery box. Inside was a small gold watch. ‘Mark, this is lovely.' She kissed his cheek. ‘What can I say?'

‘I would like to make up for all the years I've missed.'

‘Mark. I'm sorry, but you know—'

‘I understand. But you can't blame me for trying.'

They laughed.

Janet was happy and relaxed with Mark, but she knew the best birthday present she could have would be to hear that Paula was cured.

 

Janet waited with Janie when Paula had her last lot of radiotherapy. They had to go and see the doctor afterwards.

‘Well, Paula. It looks like everything is fine.'

‘Am I cured?'

‘We will see you in six months.'

Paula threw her arms round both Janie and Janet.

Janet, who was holding the baby, could hardly control her tears. ‘I can't thank you enough, Doctor,' she blurted out.

Outside they sat in the car and Paula, making a fist, shouted, ‘I've done it. I've conquered it.' She kissed Janet's cheek loudly. ‘Thank you for being with me.'

Janet dabbed at her eyes. ‘I think this is the best day of my life.'

‘And mine,' said Paula softly. ‘And mine.'

‘It's another early birthday present.'

When they arrived home, first Paula and then Janet was on the phone telling Tina, Freda and Sue the wonderful news.

‘I bet we've left a few tears in our wake,' said Janet cheerfully when they'd finished all the calls. Her thoughts went to Mark. She would have liked to phone him, but decided against it. She didn't want Paula to know they had been discussing her. She would phone him tomorrow. He wasn't going back to Canada till Sunday.

‘Tomorrow I'm doing a very special meal for you,' said Paula. ‘I can't upstage Mark's present, but I can cook.'

‘You don't have to. Your news is the best I could have.'

‘In the afternoon you take Janie over to see Freda and then when you get back everything will be ready.'

That night, for the first time in months they slept soundly and it was Janie wanting her feed that woke them.

The following afternoon Janet went to see Freda. There were plenty of hugs and tears, and a great deal of chatting.

Freda tutted as she admired the watch. ‘Looks like he's setting his cap at you again.'

Janet laughed. ‘What, with him over there and me here?'

‘There's planes, you know.'

‘I'd never leave England, not now.'

 

The meal Paula cooked was great, and afterwards, they sat and talked. Janet was a little upset that Mark hadn't phoned but guessed that as tomorrow was his last day he must be busy.

‘I'm going home tomorrow,' said Paula, out of the blue. ‘I feel so fit that I can face anything now.'

‘Only if you're sure.'

‘I'm sure.'

‘Well, don't forget: I'm at the end of the phone if ever you need me.'

‘That's something I'll never forget.'

Sunday was moving day and by the end of it Janet was alone once more, but this time she was happy. Although she wasn't sure what time he was leaving, she decided to phone Mark; she wanted to share the good news with him.

‘Who is that?' asked his mother.

‘Is Mark there?' She was excited at the thought of talking to him again.

‘No, I'm sorry he went back to Canada yesterday. Who is this?'

Janet realized she must have misunderstood what he'd meant by the end of the week. She didn't want to talk to Mrs Scott and as she hadn't recognized her voice, Janet put the phone down. He hadn't called her, and now she was a day too late to speak to him.

Paula looked out of the window at the snow falling in large flakes. It was beginning to settle. February was such a bleak month but at least spring wasn't that far away, and after getting the all-clear from the hospital a month ago she felt that life was good. She loved having a daughter and enjoyed every minute of being near her, and at the moment she didn't have any plans to return to work. When she thought of what might have been she was scared.

Paula turned to Janie, who was in her cot waving her chubby legs in the air and gazing up at Paula. ‘Just you wait till the spring, young lady. We'll go out and see the ducks and lambs; you'll like that. There's so much to show you.' She bent over the cot. ‘You smell.' She lifted Janie up and felt a sharp pain in her back. ‘You are getting such a weight now, you've just done my back in.' She held her baby close.

Paula was seeing her life in a new light and her baby meant everything to her. Tonight Janet was coming round and bringing a takeaway. She was so good to them both. If she wasn't showering Janie with gifts she'd come and take all the washing and it would come back neatly ironed. Many times Paula wished Janet had never parted with her when she was born; she would have made a wonderful mother. Paula sat on the bed. She sighed. ‘If only I could call her Mum, that would make her so happy.' Janie smiled back at her. But Paula knew she couldn't, not yet.

That evening, when Janet arrived she could see Paula wasn't feeling so well.

‘I've done my back in,' said Paula, hobbling round the room.

‘You lie down, I'll see to Janie.'

‘Thanks.'

‘Have you suffered with your back before?'

‘No.'

‘I'll give Sue a ring and see if she can pop round tomorrow.'

‘No, don't bother her, she has enough to do. It will probably be all right in the morning. I've taken a couple of aspirins.'

 

A week later Paula was still suffering and Janet suggested she have an X-ray. ‘You'll have to get a letter from your doctor first.'

‘I'll do that.'

Janet became worried as she watched her daughter. Every move she made was with great difficulty.

A week later, after her X-ray, Paula went to the hospital reception desk to see Janet.

‘Well?' asked Janet.

‘I've got to go back to my doctor for the results sometime next week. I had to laugh, she suggested I rest. I ask you, how can you rest with a three-month-old baby?'

‘Why don't you come and stay with me?'

‘No, I'm all right. Besides, you're at work.'

‘Well, come for the weekend.'

‘I could do.'

 

On Sunday afternoon, just as the washing machine had overflowed, Paula was lying down, Janie was becoming fretful and Janet was dashing about trying to get everything under control, the phone rang.

‘Hello,' Janet abruptly picking it up.

‘Oh dear, seems I've caught you at a bad time,' said Mark.

‘Mark, sorry, but yes, I'm afraid you have. Where are you?'

‘Canada.'

‘Canada? You're phoning me from Canada?'

‘Yes. I wanted to know how Paula was. What happened, has she finished her treatment?'

Janet sat down. ‘Yes, she has, and she's got the all-clear.'

‘Oh, Jan. I so pleased about that, I really am. I'm sorry I didn't get the chance to phone you before I left.'

‘Not to worry.'

‘I wanted to, but something came up and—'

‘I said, don't worry about it.'

‘So everything's great then?'

‘We're keeping our fingers crossed. It was kind of you to phone.'

‘It's nothing.'

‘Please don't think I'm being rude but I really must go. The baby's crying.'

‘I can hear her.'

‘Paula isn't feeling that good.'

‘Nothing serious, I hope.'

‘No. It's her back.'

‘Oh, I see. Well, take care, Jan.'

Janet sat for a few moments. Why had he phoned? Was it just to ask how Paula was?

Janie's screams got louder and Janet knew it was time for her bottle.

During the course of the evening, Janet casually mentioned to Paula that next Sunday was 2 March. As this was going to be the first birthday she had spent with her daughter she wanted it to be special. ‘What would you like to do on your birthday?'

‘I hadn't really thought about it.'

‘This is the first we've had together.'

‘I know. Let's wait till Thursday, when I get the results from my X-ray.'

‘Are you worried about anything?'

‘No, not really.'

‘I'll try and think of something for your birthday treat.' Janet was worried: Paula looked tired even though she had spent the weekend with her and had been resting.

On Thursday Paula phoned Janet to tell her the doctor had said her back pain was due to wear and tear.

‘What? What are they going to do about it?'

‘Nothing. She's given me stronger painkillers.'

‘I see.'

‘I've been thinking about my birthday. Why don't we go and see your mother, my grandmother?' said Paula out of the blue.

‘What? No, not again.'

‘It's my birthday treat, remember.'

‘Yes, I know. But look at the reception we got last time. It was hardly a treat. No, I couldn't stand that again.'

‘If the weather's fine it'll be a nice ride out.'

‘That's as maybe. No, I'm sorry, Paula.'

‘I'd like her to see Janie,' said Paula softly. ‘Now she's in a rest home she might have mellowed.'

‘Not my mother.'

‘Don't you think you should give it a try?'

Janet felt all her old hang-ups return. She didn't want her mother to upset her again, but if it was something Paula really wanted to do, well then, she knew she would fall in with her wishes. ‘What about your back?'

‘Now I've got these stronger painkillers I should be able to cope. You said Mark said she was in a home, and old ladies get very lonely in those places. Couldn't you just go this once?'

‘I suppose it would be worth a try.'

‘Would you know where to look?'

‘Not really, but that woman at our old house should know.'

Since they'd been to Stowford Janet had dismissed that part of her life, but when Mark had told her her mother was in a home her conscience had started troubling her and she'd told Paula about it.

‘Look, why don't we all go down there on Sunday?'