Wishes and Tears (27 page)

‘It's very pretty round here. Do you know any of those people?' asked Paula eagerly, leaning forward to peer through the windscreen.

‘No. No, I don't think so, but it is a long while ago and some of the children have grown up and others must be pretty old by now.'

‘Would your mother be inside?'

‘She could be.'

‘Would you know Mark if he was here?'

Janet was silent. She hadn't thought that he could have come back. She couldn't face him, not after all these years. Possibly she wouldn't even recognize him. ‘I don't know,' she said softly. Suddenly she put her hand to her mouth and took a sharp intake of breath.

‘What is it?' asked Paula. ‘Are you all right?' Her voice was full of concern. ‘You've gone a funny colour.'

Janet nodded. ‘I'm all right, it's just a shock.' She felt sick. ‘That old lady holding on to that young woman's arm is my mother.'

Paula was intrigued. ‘My grandmother. How old would she be now?'

‘I don't know exactly. She must be in her late sixties, at least. She looks like she's having a lot of trouble walking.'

Guilt was beginning to fill Janet's head as she watched them go through the church doors. She should never have left like she had. She should have made some effort to see them on the two occasions she had been here. What if they had needed her all these years?

‘Can we go in now?' asked Paula, interrupting her thoughts.

Janet smiled. Her heart was bursting with love and happiness for her. Paula was like a child waiting for a treat.

‘Yes.'

In the church they sat at the back. The service had started. The congregation was very sparse and the vicar was a young man whose loud voice filled the building. Where was her father? Janet sat looking at the backs of heads. One or two people she thought she recognized, but she wasn't sure.

After the service she and Paula quickly left the church.

‘Are you going to speak to your mother?' asked Paula.

‘I don't know. I wonder where my father is. Let's wait over there by that tree and see where my mother goes. I lived at the vicarage over there.' Janet pointed to the red-brick building.

‘It looks a nice house. Do you miss the country?'

‘I didn't, but now, with all the hustle and bustle in London, I don't know. Would you like to live in a place like this?'

‘A few years ago I would have said no way, but now, now I haven't got Trevor and with a baby on the way, I don't know either.'

‘It's a lot cheaper. Look, here comes my mother. She seems to be going to the vicarage.'

‘I think we ought to go and see her,' said Paula, moving forward.

Janet hung back. ‘I'm not so sure.'

‘What if your father's old and infirm? They can't harm you now.'

‘No, not any more.' She put her arm through Paula's. ‘Come on then, let's go and meet your grandmother.'

‘I only hope the shock doesn't kill her.'

Janet stopped. ‘Don't say that.'

‘I was only kidding. Come on.' They made their way to the house and Janet took a deep breath and rang the doorbell.

The young woman who had been helping Mrs Slater walk to and from church opened the door. She smiled. ‘Can I help you?'

‘Do the vicar and Mrs Slater live here?'

‘Mrs Slater does, and also my husband, Mr Thomas. Who did you want to see?'

‘What about Mr Slater?'

‘He died about six years ago. Did you know him?'

Janet nodded.

Paula could see her mother's anxiety and, coming forward, quickly said, ‘He was my grandfather.'

Mrs Thomas frowned. ‘I didn't think he had any children. Are you sure you're in the right parish?'

‘Yes,' said Paula. ‘We have just seen my grandmother come into this house.'

‘Just a moment.' She disappeared inside.

‘I'm sorry, Janet, but I could see you were upset. Shall we go?'

‘No, not now we've got this far.'

Janet couldn't describe the look of surprise on her mother's face. She wasn't sure if it was disbelief, anger or total bewilderment.

‘Janet.' She drew herself up. ‘After all these years you have finally returned.'

‘Yes, Mother.' Janet felt like a naughty girl who had run away from home.

‘What do you want?'

‘I came to see you.'

‘I'm not sure I want to see you.'

Paula took Janet's arm. ‘Come on. You were right.' She turned to Mrs Slater. ‘I would have thought that after all these years you would have forgiven her.'

‘And who are you, young lady?'

‘I'm your grandchild.'

Irene Slater held on to the door post. Her face turned a deathly white.

Janet broke free from Paula and rushed to her mother's side. ‘Quick,' she called to Paula, ‘go in and get a chair. The dining room's the first door on the left.'

Paula hurriedly opened the dining room door and took a chair, much to the astonishment of the vicar and his wife, who were sitting at the table.

After looking from one to the other they quickly followed Paula with the vicar calling, ‘Young lady, where do you think you are going with that chair?'

When they caught sight of Janet gently lowering her mother on to the chair they rushed to her side.

‘What has happened? Are you feeling unwell, my dear?' The vicar knelt in front of Mrs Slater and gently tapped the back of her hand.

‘I'll get a glass of water,' said his wife after giving Janet and Paula a long look.

‘I'm Janet Slater and this is my daughter, Paula.'

Mrs Slater groaned and the vicar stood up.

‘We've come to see my mother.'

Mrs Thomas returned and Mrs Slater took the glass of water that was held out.

The Thomases looked stunned.

‘We didn't think you had any children,' said Mrs Thomas to Irene Slater.

In a funny way Janet was enjoying this conversation, even if it did upset her mother. ‘I was banished years ago.'

‘You weren't banished, you left of your own accord. You never even bothered to write.' Irene Slater's voice was beginning to rise with anger.

‘I sent you birthday and Christmas cards with my address on, but you never replied.'

‘You didn't even know your father had passed away.'

‘I'm very sorry about that.'

‘So, why are you here now? What it is you want of me?'

‘Nothing. I thought you might like to see your granddaughter, and to tell you you are going to be a great-grandma.'

‘Are you married?' she curtly asked Paula.

‘No.'

‘I thought as much. The daughter's turned out like the mother.'

‘That's not a nice thing to say,' said Paula. ‘My mother has given up a lifetime of happiness to find me, and I'm very pleased she did.'

Janet felt so proud of Paula. She was acknowledging that she was her mother.

Mrs Slater ignored Paula's remark and said smugly, ‘Mark has done very well for himself, he's married, of course.'

Janet winced and felt hurt. But if he was happy . . . ? ‘How are Mr and Mrs Scott?'

‘You knew them?' asked Mrs Thomas with doubt in her voice.

Janet nodded. She decided that as she had nothing to lose now, she might as well let all the dirty linen come out. ‘Many years ago I was going to marry their son, Mark, but he jilted me two weeks before we were due to be married.'

Mrs Thomas's eyes were wide open. Janet could see she was trying hard to keep the surprised look on her face under control.

‘Mark had very good reason,' said Mrs Slater.

‘Mrs Scott is fine,' said Mrs Thomas, recovering her composure. ‘Mr Scott has a bad chest.'

‘He's had that for years. When did my father pass away?' Janet was talking to Mrs Thomas.

‘About six years ago. He had a heart attack.'

‘It was six years and three months, to be exact,' said her mother very quietly. ‘And I blame you for that.'

‘Me? I wasn't even here.'

‘Your father never got over your going.'

‘He didn't make me very welcome when I was here. He didn't show me a lot of affection.'

‘No, because you preferred to behave like some loose woman.'

Paula giggled and began to shuffle.

‘Would you both like to come in for a cup of tea?' asked the vicar.

Janet looked at Paula, who only shrugged.

‘That would be very nice, that's if it isn't causing you too much trouble.' Janet wanted to see inside her old home again.

‘It's no bother.'

They followed Mrs Thomas, with the vicar taking Mrs Slater's arm and coming behind them.

‘How long have you both been here?' asked Janet.

‘Just over six years. We were very lucky to get such a lovely parish,' said Mrs Thomas over her shoulder. She was beaming. ‘It is so pleasant round here. Where do you live?'

‘London,' Janet and Paula answered together.

‘And when is the baby due?'

‘Christmas,' replied Paula. ‘This is a lovely house.' Paula was standing in the lounge looking over the garden. ‘It must have been a great place to grow up in.'

‘It was very lonely,' Janet whispered. As she looked about her, suddenly, out of the blue, she wondered what had happened to all her possessions - what about her wedding dress? Probably ended up as dusters, she thought sadly.

‘It's certainly worth a good deal of money today.'

‘Paula is in the estate agent business,' said Janet, trying to smile.

‘Well, it isn't mine to sell,' said Mrs Slater. ‘It belongs to the church.'

‘I know that,' said Janet.

‘But did she?' A stick was pointed in Paula's direction.

‘My daughter was only passing a comment.'

‘Just as long as she doesn't think it will be hers one day.'

Paula gave a funny laugh.

‘Is that what you've come here for, just to find out who owns this place?'

‘I know it belongs to the church. We only came so Paula can see who her relatives are.'

Mrs Thomas came in with the tea.

‘Tell them to go. I don't want them here upsetting me.'

‘But I've made the tea.'

‘I don't want her here. I shall end up having another one of my attacks. Get her out,' Mrs Slater shouted. ‘Get rid of her.'

‘That's not very Christian of you,' said Paula.

‘I don't feel very Christian towards her.'

Janet stood up. ‘Come on, Paula.'

Outside Janet began to cry.

‘Please, please don't.' Paula put her arm round her mother. ‘This was all my fault. I didn't know she was going to be like that.'

Janet stayed in the comfort of her daughter's arms. She was happy about one thing: at last she had someone who cared for her.

After the meeting with her mother Janet took Paula for a gentle stroll around the cemetery, looking at the names on the gravestones.

‘Some of these women died quite young, didn't they?'

Janet was wandering silently along beside Paula, not really taking that much notice of what she was saying. She was busy thinking about her mother. Why had she behaved like that? Why hadn't she been pleased to see her after all these years? Did she really hate her and blame her for her father's death?

Janet stood and looked at his grave.

‘The Reverend Peter Slater.' Paula was reading the stone. ‘Peter's quite a nice name.'

Janet noted that fresh flowers filled the vase. She wished she had some to give him. Tears filled her eyes. Why did all this have to happen? Why couldn't her mother accept that she had made a silly mistake when she was young? Janet looked at Paula standing at her side. Her dark eyes shining, she was glowing with health and vitality. Her dark hair gently moved as she turned her head. No, at the time Paula might have been a mistake but now, to Janet, she was the most precious thing in the world. Janet looked at the slight bump that was partly hidden beneath Paula's loose-fitting jacket and tried to smile. Now, to add to her joy, she was going to make her a grandmother. Tears ran down Janet's cheek.

‘I'm so sorry,' said Paula, a worried looked filling her pretty face. ‘I didn't think this would happen. I thought they would be pleased to see you. It must have been awful for you when you were expecting me, and yet you were still determined to find me.'

Paula put her arm round Janet's shoulders. Janet needed love and comfort, so she buried her head and cried.

Paula held her close and when Janet pulled away, she said, ‘This is all my fault. I feel terrible making you come here.'

Janet wiped her eyes. ‘No, you mustn't. I'm glad I did. At least I know now how my mother feels and that my father has gone.'

‘Would you like to go and see Mark's mother and father?' asked Paula softly.

‘No. I don't see any point. Besides, after upsetting my mother I think we should leave it at that.'

‘It was just a thought.'

Janet knew Mark wasn't in this country and didn't want to hear about his marriage all over again, this time from his mother. And what if there were children too? Would Mark's parents blame her for Mark going away? She couldn't stand any more rejections today.

As they made their way back to the car, Janet said, ‘What about your father? Shouldn't you tell him he's going to be a grandfather?'