Wishing on a Rodeo Moon (Women of Character) (27 page)

"Why?"
Jake asked flatly.

"Denny
knows some people willing to donate good, sound horses if we get the program
underway. I was thinking if the competitors know this is a good cause, maybe
they’ll donate their winnings to a riding foundation for the kids. It
will start the program off right. We could even, conceivably, have a yearly
rodeo to fuel the funding."

Jake
could see the sound logic in the idea. "You’ve apparently thought
this out, I’m impressed. When did you come up with this idea?"

"I’ve
been kicking it around for a few days. Yesterday I realized I have to do more
than think about taking action. Do you remember Emily, the young girl I met at
the doctor's office? Her mom came to see me. She wanted to enroll Emily for
riding lessons when the doctor gave her the go-ahead."

The
sheen of tears in Tye’s eyes reinforced to Jake how much she loved
working with the kids.

"You
were meant for this, Tye. I've never seen you happier."

"I
do enjoy it," Tye said softly. "It surprises me, I guess, how
much." Tye shook her hair back and took a deep breath. "I've got
something else to tell you, Jake." Her smile slipped a little. "It
looks like I’ve found another place. Now you can get on with your
renovation plans."

Jake
clenched his fists against his thighs. "I don’t think you should
leave," he said flatly, surprising both of them.

"I
have to," she said softly. "We both know it."

"We
talked about this. There’s no reason you can’t stay on here."

Tye
reached out her hand and touched his arm. Jake felt the heat of her fingers
clean to his toes. "It’s no good for either of us, Jake. I really
appreciate you giving up the apartment. It made things easier for me, but now
it’s time to move on."

Jake
felt as if his world were slipping away, just as it had ten years before.
"I don’t give a damn about the renovations," he said harshly.
"It’s something I can work around. We agreed to take this
relationship where it would go." He turned his hand and gripped her
fingers. "We care about each other. Life hasn’t been the same since
you arrived, and I’m glad. Amy told me I was in a rut and she was right.
When I came across your picture that day of the accident, the years rolled
back. I had this notion I needed to see you one last time, then I could get on
with my life. I’m getting older, Tye. I want a family ―"

Tye
stared at him wide-eyed. "You came that night to say goodbye? Then you
were going to get on with your life, heart whole and fancy free?"

Jake’s
mouth felt dry. He didn’t deny it.

Tye
stood up and moved away from him. "But it didn’t turn out that way,
did it, Jake? You got sucked into the mess of my life."

"I
saw you and I couldn’t leave," he told her quietly. "I had to
stay. I don’t know what would have happened if you hadn’t gotten
hurt."

Tye
looked away from him. A slight breeze blew around them, lifting Tye’s hair
away from her face. His blood stirred. Tye had that instantaneous affect on
him. He wanted to cherish her and rip their clothes off at the same time.

"You
came to the rodeo to see me. You made me want you in my life again. It
wasn’t fair." Tye’s voice came to him low and pained.
"It’s still not fair. Despite all we’ve come to mean to each
other again, we still want different things. I know you don’t want me to
return to rodeo. I have to," she added fiercely. "It’s who I
am."

Jake
felt his ire rise. "I remember the night you got hurt in minute detail,
Tye. I saw what happened, I watched them extricate you from under that bull,
your face as white as death, lips blue with a trickle of blood. It’s a
night I’ll never forget. How can you forget what happened?"

"This
isn’t all about rodeo, Jake. It’s about you getting what you want.
I moved in here. I trusted you." She ignored his words as if he
hadn’t said them. Her words came in a rush. "I stayed when I wanted
to leave, that first night. You pushed all the right buttons."

Jake
wanted to reach out to her, to ease the pain he heard in her voice. He clenched
his fists and kept his hands by his side.

"We
made love," she said. "I trusted you."

"I
haven’t done anything to violate your trust. I guess nothing has changed
in all these years. We still want different things. You haven’t changed,
you’re still intent on running away."

"Maybe
it’s time we stopped using each other. You knew all along I intended to
return to rodeo. I have to wonder if you’ve been hoping all along I would
change my mind."

"I
knew you’d leave," Jake said harshly. It had never been out of his
mind. He had hoped she would change her mind.

"I
feel as if I’ve been manipulated. You provided a place for me to live,
convinced my brother to bring my horse here. I even met your friends and got
reacquainted with your family. You made it very comfortable and
convenient."

"You
could have left any time."

"I
guess I’m too weak," Tye said bitterly. "I cared too much about
you. I’ve never stopped caring."

Jake felt
tired. "The night you got hurt I felt fascinated by you all over again.
All these years I’ve locked you out, but a part of me kept your memory
close. You’re not an easy person to get over, Tye. You always had so much
grit and determination, you were a ball of fire. I felt that way when I played
football, but I had it all yanked out from under me. I felt cheated when you
left. I loved you, we both know that. I’m not pretending otherwise to
make it easier on either of us." Jake felt a hard lump in his throat. He
had to push the rest of the words out. "I don’t think I ever stopped
being angry at you. I buried it for a long time.

"I’m
not like the rodeo cowboys you hang out with. I know there’s probably any
number of guys lined up. I’m an ordinary guy, the same man I’ve
always been. No frills, my fireworks. You might see my life as boring as the
boxes I manufacture. But guess what, Tye, I’ve worked hard these last few
years and made a success of the business. I like my life and who I’ve
become. I wouldn’t change it."

"Jake..."

"Ten
years ago we were young, but we both know you’ve got a background that
shies away from commitment. That was your out then. I got too close and that
scared the hell out of you. You admitted it yourself. It didn’t matter
that I loved you, that I wanted to marry you." Jake laughed, and the sound
grated in his ears.

"Why
can’t things go on as they were! We were doing okay."

"Relationships
progress and change. You want it to stay the same. Easy in, easy out.
You’re so busy covering any emotional tracks, you won’t let me
in."

Tye’s
voice was low and full of pain. "Ten years ago we learned love
doesn’t always mean forever and it doesn’t conquer all problems.
When I think of that night ten years ago I feel the hurt again, leaving you,
but I still think it was the best thing to do."

Jake
wanted to smash something.

"I’ve
always been responsible for myself, Jake. If I screwed up, I was the only one
who got hurt by the mistakes. Marriage is so much more. Others get hurt.
I’ve seen it too many times with my parents. I was too frightened to take
that risk."

"Life
is a risk, Tye, not just marriage and relationships. Dammit, we’re not
like your parents."

Tye
turned away, but not before Jake had seen the closed expression on her face.
"We’re too different Jake. I thought I could do this, but I think
you’re right, there’s too much garbage in my past. I-I guess
I’m too afraid to step past it."

Tye
moved away from him, her movement jerky. She started down the deck stairs to
the back field.

Jake
went after her and grabbed her arms, swinging her around. "Tye! Are you
just going to throw it away again?"

"I
can’t bear to go on being civilly polite, knowing what we had, and I
can’t go forward and hope we won’t tear each other apart."

Tears
spilled down her cheeks, and Jake felt himself ripping apart inside.

"I
cannot do it, Jake. Don’t ask it of me."

Jake
watched his world crumble with each step Tye took away from him. He wanted to
call her back, beg her to stay, but he kept his mouth shut. Anger boiled
inside, but at the root of it was bone-deep despair.

#

Tye
didn’t realize she was running until she reached the barn door and
stopped, feeling the wetness on her face. Silence hung all around her, broken
only by the rasp of her own breathing. She had done it, hurt Jake for the last
time.

Tye
swung open the barn door and wandered aimlessly inside. How could she and Jake
have a normal relationship when her childhood memories reflected anything but
normalcy and caring between two people?

She wanted
to hide, but she knew the pain wouldn’t lessen. She opened the door to
Jake’s office and stumbled inside, her foot hitting something. She heard
a small crash. Flicking on the light switch Tye saw she’d kicked over a
box. More evidence of the disruption she had caused in Jake’s life. His
possessions were in boxes stored in the barn. Papers now lay strewn across the
concrete floor.

Tye bent
down to pick up the papers and noticed her name in bold black print. Curiously,
she picked up a rubber-banded bundle of newspaper clippings. Each article
detailed her rodeo wins; dates, times, places. Some of the articles were glossy
and looked like they'd been pulled from magazines. Articles about her
after-rodeo hours, the honky-tonks and dance bars she and her friends had
frequented. The wild time in her life she had put behind her.

Tye
rifled through the papers. The oldest date was about a year after she and Jake
had split. Jake had been tracking her all this time.

Tye sat
down with a thump on the floor, the box cradled in her arms. Jake had shown her
nothing but support from the beginning. He had managed to keep her here that
first night when she wanted to run. Tye knew she loved him, she didn’t
doubt it, but she didn’t feel worthy of that love or the trust it implied.
And Jake didn’t love her in return. He wanted her physically, but it
wasn’t enough. Tye felt the weeping inside. It wasn’t enough. She
wanted, needed Jake to love her back.

Tye put
the sheaf of papers down and pushed aside the newspaper clippings. Beneath the
pile was a large four by five inch newspaper photo. It was a version of the
same picture she had seen before. Jake knelt beside a fallen bull. There was no
doubt in her mind the bull was old Hit Man, and she lay under the dead animal.
The memories of that day flashed like wildfire through her brain, each memory
clear and detailed, memories she had pushed away since that night.

She
recalled Hit Man stumbling, then feeling as if she were flying through the air.
The heavy, suffocating weight of the bull on top of her. Jake's voice. She had
thought he was an angel calming her, soothing her, until they pulled her out.
She remembered his blue eyes, and that was all. The rest was a blank until she
woke up in the hospital with her leg gone. When Mama told her they hadn’t
been able to save the crushed leg, she had screamed at her Mama, accusing her
of never wanting her to ride the bulls, blaming the loss of her leg on her
Mama.

Tye felt
the sobs that wracked her, but she couldn’t stop them. They filled the
barn, harsh, deep sobs that seemed to come from her very depths. What was she
doing? Throwing Jake’s caring away again, tossing it back at him as if
this were a tennis game?

Tye
began to quiet. She rubbed her forehead, wiped the wetness from her face with
her arm. A terrible emptiness shifted through her.

That
night of the accident Jake had been there the entire time she was under that
bull. Jake was a man, not an angel. He didn’t want her to return to the
rodeo. Tye knew she was fooling herself if she thought they had a future. Real
life wasn’t that easy. Tye knew that, why didn’t he? The thought of
leaving Jake was almost more than Tye could bear. Once in a lifetime was
devastating. Twice, too much to bear.

She needed
to think. She needed to straighten out the confusion in her mind. Tye put the
box back on the pile and walked outside, closing the door behind her.

She
moved to stand by the pasture gate. Tye knew with sudden clarity she needed to
go home, to the place where she grew up. Start at the beginning and work from
there. She whistled and it was a pathetic attempt at best, but Pongo came
trotting to her. She saw him through a blur.

"Come
on, Pongo, we're going home."

Grabbing
his halter and lead line, Tye slipped it on his head and jumped on his bare
back. She rode across the pasture, not letting herself look back. For the
second time in her life Tye walked away from Jake. This time, however, the ache
was so deep she knew she’d never recover. Her only solace was knowing at
least Jake didn’t love her this time.

Jake was
past worried. Tye hadn't returned and it was almost dusk. He had seen her ride
out across the flats on Pongo hours before. If she had gotten hurt, chances are
the horse would return to the barn. He doubted she had fallen, but worry made
the thoughts run like wildfire through his head.

Trying
to remain calm, Jake paced the floor of his living room. Should he go out
looking for her again? He had ridden out about an hour after she'd left. Jake
had taken the same direction he’d seen Tye go and he had found Pongo's
track. He knew it was Pongo's because the horse had a peculiar shoe on his
right front hoof, a long trailer to keep the hoof positioned correctly.

After a
while Jake turned toward home. He thought Tye would return after she cooled
off, but inside he had a feeling she wouldn’t. She must have kept riding.
Her vehicle was parked out front, but her apartment remained dark. Jake turned
the lights on in her apartment but he knew she wasn’t coming back. Deep
down inside his gut told him it was the end. She hadn't trusted him, and she
had cut him out of her heart just like that. It was worse than ten years ago.
Jake wondered how that could be so? Back then he had loved her. He didn’t
love her anymore. Loving and caring were different than lust.