Witch Glitch: Magic and Mayhem Book Two (7 page)

Speechless. The gorgeous idiot kept rendering me speechless. I decided to ignore the dumbass part of my brain that was turned on by being chained up by a Neanderthal werewolf. Better to deal with it in therapy. I desperately needed to find a damn therapist.

"I shall make a conscious effort to ignore your he-man tendencies and proceed with my x-rated fairy tale. However, you and your Bon Jovi are skating on some thin ice at the moment and my fingers are itching to zap your butt."

"Goddess, you're hot," he growled as he hopped naked into the bed, granny cap and all.

It was wildly difficult to argue when all I wanted to do was laugh. He was going to increase my already abundant insanity and I really didn't care. The beautiful, sexy asshead made me happy. Happy was a new place for me—frightening and overwhelming—but all kinds of wonderful.

"Here's the deal," I said laying out the groundwork. "Since we're doing improv with this puppy, I'm going to scream in terror, stumble very sexily over to the bed and fall on top of you. I'll pretend like it was an accident and maybe my cape will fall off or possibly my panties. You can start saying some of the lines I suggested earlier and then we do it. Cool?"

"Are you supposed to plan an improv?" he asked as he pressed his lips together to keep from grinning.

"Technically, no," I admitted sheepishly. "But… I've kind of planned this one out a little."

"Works for me," he said in a voice that made my panties dampen.

He crooked his finger and beckoned me over. "Come a little closer, my dear."

"Oh my, what big eyes you have," I said as I unhooked my cape for easier access.

"The better to see you with," he growled seductively. "I have a few other big things that might interest you too."

"Really?" I asked as I bit down on my tongue to stifle my laugh. "What ever do you mean?"

"It's better if you come see," he purred. "Much better."

"Well, since I forgot my glasses, I should probably get really close," I told him as seriously as I could.

I thought that was a fantastic line. I impressed myself with my improv abilities. I briefly wondered if Assjacket had a community theatre.

I stumbled for real as he pulled down the covers and revealed a body that should belong to a Greek god. Cape, shoes, bra, panties and Mac's granny cap disappeared and flew across the room with a magical flick of my fingers. His hiss sent my newly named Little Red Riding Hood into overdrive and I dove on him like I was competing on the Olympic swim team. I expected our romp to be wild and out of control.

I couldn't have been more wrong or in deeper water. Mac flipped me, pinned my naked body beneath his and then he stilled. His lids were heavy and his breathing was labored. My tummy tingled and my brain sent off warning signals to my entire body. The intensity of the moment was too much—way too much.

"What are you doing?" I demanded, staring at his collarbone. His eyes were telling me a story I wasn't ready to hear. "This was
not
in the script."

"I was under the impression this was an improv," Mac replied as his large hands began to gently caress my face, my shoulders, my hips and my stomach. "Your skin is so soft," he murmured as his lips followed the trail his hands had taken.

"We're supposed to do the nasty," I insisted as a lump formed in my throat.

"We will," he promised. "I just want to worship you a little bit."

"I'm really not worthy," I tried to tell him, but he was having none of it.

It was as sexy as sex itself. No one had ever simply touched me. Men had always gone straight for the boobs or the Little Red Riding Hood. This felt so good and so right I was tempted to smite his ass. Damndamndamn. This alpha assmonkey was going to break me. And I was probably going to let him.

But not quite yet.

With a little burst of sparkling golden magic I levitated us into the air and rolled on top of him. His delighted chuckle was music in to my ears. He wasn't afraid of me even though I could blow up Assjacket along with the rest of the USA. He liked my crazy, my shoulders, my magic
and
my boobs.

"Is this in the script?" he asked as his full lips brushed mine and he pulled my hips to meet his.

"Kind of," I said as a slow sensual burn began to coil in my stomach. "This is kind of a mixture of Little Red Riding Hood and Peter Pan… with the flying and all."

"I like it," he said as his teeth scraped my neck.

I shuddered and lost a bit of control, which resulted in us plopping back down on the bed with a thud.

"
Oh sweet Goddess on High, this is like a movie. You know, one with Kate Winslet or Reese Witherspoon, but with some raunchy voodoo woowoo thrown in. I need some caramel popcorn and a vodka,
" Mac said in a high feminine voice.

Wait. WTF? Had I kneed him in the nuts and made him a soprano?

Had I accidentally shoved his balls up into his body and turned him into a girly man who liked Kate Winslet and caramel popcorn?

Holy Hell, I was a fucking magical menace.

"Um, that's really weird. Did I squash your nads?" I asked.

"No, why do you ask?" Mac, back in normal voice, replied.

"Well, when you mentioned Kate Winslet, Reese Witherspoon and popcorn in a girly voice."

"What are you talking about?" he asked completely confused.

"You just said this was like a movie and then you said raunchy voodoo woowoo," I accused.

What kind of weird game was he playing? Maybe this was good. Maybe he was crazier than me and I could legally kick him to the curb and blow this town. Well, not blow as in blow up—just get the hell out.

Except I didn't want to kick him to the curb. And I didn't want to leave.

So the fuck what if he liked to pretend he was a girl every so often? As long as his Bon Jovi could still make me lose brain cells, who was I to judge?

And as long as he didn't want to wear my panties and insist I pretend I'm a dude this could still possibly work.

"Zelda, I have never uttered the words raunchy voodoo woowoo in my life," Mac said as he sat up and gave me an odd look.

"You didn't say that?" I asked as I sat up too.

"Nope and I didn't hear a thing," he added watching me carefully.

Shit. Was I losing it?

"Well I heard it," I told him as I pulled the covers around me. This was not going as planned. My having a psychotic break was fucking up my fairy tale.

"
Of course you heard it
," a musical feminine voice trilled. "
Because I said it
."

"What the…" I muttered as I glanced wildly around the room searching for the body that belonged to the voice.

"What's going on?" Mac asked as he pulled me against him and prepared to shift.

"Cover your Bon Jovi. We have company and it's a female. I will not have any woman looking at your thingie except me," I snapped.

His wide grin made me want to smack my own head off. I sounded as possessive as him. Not good.

"I don't see anyone," he said as he scanned the room.

"Me neither, but we definitely have a guest. Show yourself," I shouted as I waved my hand and promptly re-dressed Mac and myself in the clothing that littered the floor of my bedroom.

"
You have to guess my name
," she said accompanied by a somewhat deranged laugh.

I rolled my eyes and sighed. Apparently orgasms were not in the cards for me today. I was not even remotely afraid of the body-less spirit in my room. The nutty woman's presence wasn't threating.

Annoying? Yes.

Deadly? Absolutely not.

"Oh my hell," I said wearily. "If I guess your name, will you leave?"

"
Maybe
," she said.

I bet she was lying through her teeth… if she had teeth. Who knew what she even was? Was she a person? An animal? A ghost? A demon?

Mac stayed at attention, ready to shift and kill at a moment’s notice. Goddess, he was hot.

"Oookay, fine. Is your name Rumplefuckinstiltskin?" I inquired in rather impolite tone.

"
Nope!
"

"Coitus Interruptus?"

"
Nope!
" she shot back gleefully.

"Pain in my ass?" I snapped. This could go on for days.

"
Now that's just rude,
" she pouted.

"But you barging in on my somewhat immoral out of wedlock escapades in a red cape and pigtails isn't?" I shot back.

"
Oooooooo
." She gasped in excitement and joy as her invisible hands clapped loudly. "
Are you going to marry him?
"

WTF? She was grinding my very last nerve. If I could just find her, I could zap her mouth shut followed by a nice stinging ass zinger.

"First of all, that is none of your business. Secondly, Shifters don't get married. They bite each other with long, sharp, pointy teeth—which by the way is barbaric. No marriage. They mate and probably bleed profusely in the fucking process," I informed her with a shudder. "They mate. For life. No outs. No sex with anyone other than the hairball who scarred you permanently with his canines. Add to the list the possibility of blowing puppies out of my woohooha and being stuck in Assjacket, West Virginia for the rest of my years. Not to mention all the shedding and clogged vacuum cleaners—not that I vacuum."

I realized I was hyperventilating, but that didn't seem to stop my mouth from working. Mac watched me warily like I was a time bomb waiting to go off. Smart man. He'd be smarter to run.

"Oh my Goddess," I shouted as I gasped for air. "Mac, you have to leave or move or find another mate. Now!"

"Zelda, it's all good," Mac replied calmly as he smoothed the wild curls that had escaped my pigtails behind my ears. "Shifters can get married if that's what you want."

"That's not what I want," I screeched. "All I want is eight orgasms and a brief cuddle. All of you freaks in Assjacket are trying to change me into a responsible person who cares. This is
not
what I signed up for."

"
She really did a number on you
," the voice whispered sadly.

"Who did a number on me?" I demanded.

"
Why your mother, of course. She's a horrible woman
."

"Leave my mother out of this," I huffed.

"I didn't mention your mother," Mac said.

"Not you. Her."

"Your mother's here?" he asked totally confused.

"Shit, I certainly hope not."

"You still haven't guessed my name," the disembodied voice chimed in completely ignoring my mental collapse.

"I heard that," Mac whispered as he got to his knees and sniffed the air.

"See, I'm not crazy," I said.

"Never thought you were," he said.

"Don't try to butter me up by saying nice things," I informed him. "You still have to find a new mate."

"Whatever you say, baby," he replied.

Hmmmm… that was not an answer. However, there was an irritating presence still wafting around my room somewhere that needed to be dealt with before I argued about it.

"Well, shit on a stick. I'm losing my touch. Only Zelda was supposed to hear me. Whatever, you can guess my name too," she told Mac magnanimously.

"Cock blocker?" Mac asked with a grin of recognition.

"You're such a bad boy," the voice chided happily.

Mac shook his head and laughed. Running his hands through his hair he pulled me into a hug.

"It's okay, Zelda. She won't hurt us," he told me.

"You know the cock blocker?"

"Yep."

"Who in the hell is it?" I demanded.

"It's…" he started.

"Nooooooooooooo!" she shouted. "Zelda has to guess or I'll get sucked into a gaping hole and thrown into the carnival from hell featuring twenty-seven of my least favorite former lovers.

"I am so lost I don't know what to do," I mumbled as I put my head in my hands. "That's almost as weird as Chuck's black hole with elevator music."

"Time warp," Mac corrected.

"Whatever," I replied. "It's all just weird."

The gasp of pain and sadness from the voice gave me pause. Did she know Chuck?

"Zelda, you'll have to guess, but it shouldn't be too hard," Mac explained rationally.

"Isn't he adorable," the cock blocking pain in my ass chimed in.

"Yes," I snapped. "Adorable and leaving. Mac, for the Goddess's sake you have to go home. I have to guess who the nut job is, re-evaluate my entire existence, and most likely do an exorcism on said nut job. This is something best handled alone because it could be messy and very profane."