Witch Glitch: Magic and Mayhem Book Two (10 page)

"Interesting," I said as I sat down on my hands. I was not going to run the risk of inadvertently zapping the little shit and getting it shot right back at me.

"You see?" Sassy snarled. "They're heinous."

"And you're hot," Fat Bastard told Sassy. "And you're not so bad yourself," he added to me with a wink and a crude kitty hip thrust.

"I'd bet it takes you about thirty minutes to get there," Jango said with a sly grin. "I could get you there in ten."

"Get me where?" I asked not really wanting the answer.

"To the big O," he said smarmily.

All three little idiots high fived with their kitty paws and then went right back to getting down on their nads.

"Alrighty, you have almost rendered me speechless. Almost…The three of you are on probation. I'm pretty sure this will not be your forever home considering I'm feeling the need to run you over with my car. Repeatedly."

"Don't think she won't do it," Sassy threatened them gleefully. "She killed her last familiar and spent nine months in the pokey for it. She's fucking crazy."

"Impressive," Fat Bastard congratulated me. "What are you? A wise guy?"

"Nope, just an unstable, out of control witch who's not fond of cats," I replied.

"I can make you an offer you can't refuse," Boba Fett told me with narrowed eyes as he took a brief break from cleansing his testes.

"What the hell are you talking about?" I snapped.

I did not have time for this. I had warlocks in my basement, my family was on the lose somewhere in the community, the fucking evil was still lurking, and Sassy the Heinous was standing in my living room.

"Don't underestimate him," Fat Bastard warned in a muffled voice with his head buried in his crotch.

"No worries," I assured him. "I never underestimate stupidity."

"Thank you," Boba said.

"Welcome," I replied with a shake of my head.

What was I going to do with them and Sassy? I didn't want them here. They were rude, crude and disgusting. As I pondered the fresh hell I was in, Sassy let loose.

"Are you wearing Prada?" she asked with an unpleasant look on her face.

"I am," I replied carefully. One never knew where the conversation was headed with Sassy the Unstable.

"How is it you're wearing Prada and I'm wearing Gap?"

"Well, let's see," I hissed as little icy blue sparks of pissed off-ness flew from my fingers and began to hop around the room. "My cat that I killed wasn't really dead. Turns out he's my father and he's loaded. How? No clue, but I'm quite sure it's shady. He enjoys buying slash stealing me shit and I have ceased to argue the point. He has outstanding taste. However, the down side is he's getting limber so he can lick his gonads again. I popped about forty rubbery evil honey badgers to death and healed about as many Shifters. It hurts like hell to do it, but it's my new job. My title is Shifter Whisperer, but I prefer Shifter Wanker. If you laugh I will permanently seal your lips shut."

I took a huge breath and realized I wasn't quite done yet. The bewildered looks on the faces of my audience did little to deter me. I was on a fucking roll.

"My aunt came back as a ghost while I was trying to get laid dressed up as Little Red Riding Hood plus a wolf who has a kangaroo son named Jeeves thinks I'm his mate. I was passed out for two weeks and now I have probably about three days left max on my life because of some lurking fucking evil. Roger the rabbit is addicted to porn and Chuck the bear is trying to kill himself in my tree. I have too much magic and I don't know how to control it. I'm probably going to wipe the United States off the map by accident. Not to mention, I have Baba Yomamma's traitorous warlocks locked up in my basement which she informs me I now have to deal with and punish. And apparently I'm stuck in Assjacket, West Virginia. They don't even have a Target in this hellhole. If
that
doesn't merit me getting to wear some fucking Prada, then I don't know what does."

"Um… okay," Sassy mumbled as she tried to process the diatribe I'd just spouted.

"That's hot," Fat Bastard said as his cohorts nodded in agreement.

I took another deep cleansing breath and made some decisions. At this point I didn't care if they were good decisions. I just wanted to move forward—preferably without Sassy in my line of vision or within three hundred miles.

"Sassy, I'd say thank you for bringing me the ball sack obsessed felines, but since I'm not even remotely thankful, I'll just grin and bear it," I told her with a smile that resembled a wince. "I'm sorry you had to drive the bastards all the way here, but you're free to go. Far. Far, far away and it would also be good if you could forget my address."

Sassy stood still in the middle of the room, wrung her hands and began to cry.

Shitballs. Could this day get any worse?

"I don't have anywhere to go. Those little fat fuckers got me kicked out of town. Permanently," she blubbered.

My stomach roiled and my vision blurred. This was not happening.

"Mmmkay," I choked out. "You can try a new town. You must have some friends somewhere who would love to see you."

"I don't have any friends," she sobbed. "Only you."

"Oh my Goddess, I don't even like you," I yelled.

"I don't like you either," she shouted back. "But you're all I have left in this world, Zelda."

"Who did I screw over to get into this situation?" I grumbled.

"Don't know, but I'd be happy to oblige," Jango Fett offered.

"You." I pointed at Jango. "Zip it now or we're going to the driveway to see how many lives you have left."

"Roger that," Jango said.

"This is a big house," Sassy reasoned through her hysterics. "I can live with you."

"Hell to the no," I said as I closed my eyes and tried to avoid the train wreck that was my life. "Where were you before you came here and what was your mission?"

"I was in Butthole, Kentucky, and I have no clue what the hell my mission was supposed to be. I got to a house Baba Yaga gave me an address for and the dumbass cats were there. I've been hanging on by a thread for weeks."

"Was the town really called Butthole?" I asked.

"No. Is the name of this town really Assjacket?"

"No, but it fits."

"Same with Butthole."

I was appalled to realize Sassy's crazy might be similar to mine.

"So you've just been taking care of cats for a month?" I asked shocked and pissed.

What kind of mission was that? I'd almost died several times in the last few weeks. Why had Sassy gotten off so easy?

"I'd hardly describe blowing up half of Butthole, seducing three fourths the male population in the town, and trying to kill us on a daily basis taking care of us," Fat Bastard muttered as he gagged and prepared to heave up a hairball on my couch.

"You puke, you eat," I informed him.

He swallowed back his gift and gave me a furry thumbs up.

"Wait. You blew up the town?" I asked Sassy with raised brows.

"I didn't mean to," she snapped. "The damn cats kept standing in front of buildings when I was aiming at them."

"You're a fucking menace," I said as I began to pace the room.

"Your point?" Sassy shot back.

"You're a slutty, destructive, brain picking mess," I said.

"Again, I ask—your point?"

"Oh my Goddess," I grumbled as I shoved the cats over and flopped down on the couch. "As much as I'm pretending to not like Assjacket in fear of losing my reputation as someone who doesn't care, I really don't want to run the risk of you destroying it."

"What if I promise not to blow anything up?" she bargained.

The cats snickered in disbelief and I had to agree. I sat silently and waited for her to continue because I knew she would.

"Um… I won't seduce more than three men and um…"

I put my hands over my eyes until I realized Jango had his paw on my left boob.

"Move it or lose it," I hissed.

He quickly withdrew his soon to be stump as Sassy kept going.

"I promise to help around the house unless it requires actual cleaning. I promise not to borrow your clothes without asking unless you say no or you're not here and I need to look good. I promise to continue to try to kill the cats but only in large fields without buildings. I promise to put the toilet seat down and I…"

"You pee with the toilet seat up?" I asked perplexed by that one.

"No, but I'm trying to impress you," she explained.

"Not working."

Sassy began to glow. I did not take this as a good sign and neither did the cats. They dove under the couch. Well, they tried. Their enormous asses didn't fit and were hanging out.

"Sassy?"

"Yes?"

"Are you about to blow up my house?" I inquired as casually as I could.

"Um… no?"

"Good answer." I heaved a sigh as the glowing subsided. "You have five seconds to give me a solid enough reason for you to stay. Unless you can convince me, you have to leave."

"You didn't like any of my suggestions so far?" she whined.

"Nope."

Sassy pulled on her wild blond hair and bit down on her lip as she thought. I considered taking her out to the yard for fear she would blow up the house when I told her she had to go. There was no answer in this world good enough for me to let her stay.

"You said you have lurking fucking evil?" she asked slowly.

"Yes."

"You have Baba Yasshole's warlocks in the basement?"

"Yes."

"Are they involved?"

"You mean are they dating anyone?" I groaned and rolled my eyes.

"Gross," she shouted. "I have higher standards than that. I meant are they involved with the evil?"

"Possibly."

"You have a Little Red Riding Hood costume?"

"What the hell does that have to do with anything?" I demanded.

"Nothing," she assured me. "I just think it's cool."

"Thank you."

"Welcome."

"You have too much magic?" Sassy continued her questions.

"Yes."

"You need me," she said with a satisfied smirk.

"Not following."

"It's simple. I think this is my mission. I can do things you can't."

"Still not following."

"Baba Yoyo obviously gave me your heinous fucking cats for a reason. I can blow shit up for you including the warlock wankers in the basement. If your magic is out of control, you tell me what to do and I'll do it. I can dive into the brains of anyone you want me to and get the truth. We'll use the cats as a shield and anything that tries to harm us will get it right back at them in a way that will leave scars. My ass can attest to this."

Shitmotherhumper. She was making sense.

“Please Zelda?" she begged. "It'll be fun."

"Fun is not the word that comes to mind," I said warily.

I stood up and paced again. I knew I needed help.

Had fate made me hold off until Sassy came back into my life?

Could I run the risk of letting her loose on a town that I was secretly coming to love? Could I run the risk of not letting her loose?

"If I take you to the basement can you get inside the heads of the warlocks and figure out which one is the traitor?" I asked already knowing I was going to let her stay.

"Um… yes?"

"That didn't sound too positive," I said as I stopped pacing and got in her face.

"I'm sure I can," she promised quickly. "I've only been inside cat's heads, but how different can a warlock be?"

"Extremely different," Fat Bastard grunted from under the couch.

"Whatever," Sassy snapped. "A male brain is a male brain. They're all tiny and obsessed with tits. I can do this."

"She's got a point," Boba said as he unwedged himself. "We also think about…"

"Stop," I cut him off. "I do not want to hear what else you think about. I have a very active gag reflex. It will make me smite you and I'm not in the mood for a ricochet smitation. We clear?"

"Yes. Yes we are," Boba said. "However, I'd like to go on record as saying you have tremendous knockers."

"That's it. I've had enough," Mac ground out as he strode into the room and right over to the cats. "One more sexual innuendo to my woman and I remove the balls you seem to be so fond of."

"Easy there, buddy," Fat Bastard said as he covered his jewels. "We was just joking with your girl."