Witch Glitch: Magic and Mayhem Book Two (14 page)

"What?" Hildy asked, perplexed as Daaaaad snickered.

"Nothing," I muttered. "So you blew up a state?"

"Not because of that. But when I caught her stealing hair out of my hairbrush it all came to a head," she ground out.

"Holy Goddess," I said with a shudder. "She took hair?"

Taking hair meant she was planning either a voodoo doll of Hildy, which was against every magical law on the books, or she was going to do a very evil spell on my aunt. Both were cowardly and abhorrent.

"She took my hair," Hildy hissed. "Of course I got it back."

"Didn't she also dye her own hair to match yours?" Daaaaad asked.

"She did. So I smited her ass and she smote right back. It got somewhat out of hand and we blew up a few things."

"Like a quarter of a state," Daaaaad mumbled.

"Whatever," Hildy snapped. "I won. She lost. She spent a good ten years in the pokey for what she tried to do."

"Like mother, like daughter," I said as I dropped my head into my hands.

"No. You killed me by accident," Fabio consoled me. "It didn't even hurt… much."

"I'm a loser," I moaned. "I can't handle my magic, and I ran over my dad and killed him."

"Luckily he was a cat, dear," Hildy said lovingly as if it was the one fact which mattered most. "Nine lives and all."

Wait a minute.

"So you boffed my mom knowing she had tried to kill your sister?"

I was shocked, completely grossed out and mad.

"Absolutely not," Daaaaaad said defensively. "I didn't even know her name when I first boffed her."

"Nice," Hildy said sarcastically.

"I didn't," Daaaaad insisted. "I was in Rome studying gymnastics when the showdown with your aunt happened. Your mother was going by an entirely different name a hundred years later when we met."

"Gymnastics?" I queried with a snicker.

"Talk to me when you've lived as long as I have," Daaaaad shot back. "Hobbies are hard to find."

Holy hell, what did I have to look forward to?

"He's right. I was into snake charming and fly-fishing before my demise. Anyhoo, I'm quite positive she knew you were my brother," Hildy told him. "We're kind of hard to miss with the red hair and all."

"Possibly," Daaaaad agreed. "She was quite obsessed with my healing abilities and wanted me to teach her."

"My mom is
not
a healer," I said in my outdoor voice. "I healed her daily for years. I thought it would make her like me better. It just pissed her off."

"I hear she's living with a Vampire," Hildy said with a derisive snort.

"This is true," I muttered somewhat distracted by everything I was learning.

Was my mother jealous of my abilities? I couldn't imagine why she would want to heal. She was as selfish as they came.

"Why on earth would my mother want to be a healer?" I asked. "She didn't have a lick of compassion in her."

"Isn't it obvious?" Hildy snipped. "With the healing power we’re in line to become the next Baba Yaga."

"Wait. There's only one Baba Yucky and she's a 1980's reject." I was so confused.

"Oh dear." Hildy giggled. "Sometimes I forget how young you are and how little training you've had. Baba Yaga is simply a title bestowed on our chosen leader. Baba's real name is Carol."

"You're shitting me."

Carol? Her name was Carol? That just didn't compute.

"Do I look like I'm shitting you?" Hildy inquired seriously.

"Um… no. So healers are Baba Yagas?"

"Yes, there are two lines which can rule. Ours—the line with healers—or Carol's."

"What's Carol's line? The fashion disasters?" I asked with a giggle.

Hildy's belly laugh made me giggle harder. "No, no, no no!" She waved her finger at me as she tried to control her mirth. "Carol's line are creators."

"So we have special magic?" I asked.

"We do. Our magic can't be taught. It simply is," Hildy said with a flip of her red hair.

"Well, I sure as hell hope I can be
taught
to control this shit because the craters are ugly," I cut in referring to my destroyed back yard.

When Baba Yumpy showed up for her date with Daaaaad, I was going to have to stop myself from calling her Carol. In fact, it was going to be next to impossible.

"You just need to relax and focus," Hildy advised. "Stop thinking so hard. When you wanted the Shifters to stop beating themselves up, what did you do?"

"I waved my hand and wished for them to cease the idiocy," I said.

"There you go," Daaaaad said happily. "PS, Chuck has some real issues."

Hildy nodded and flew herself to the chair next to me. "He doesn't care about freezing to death. He wants to be with me."

"He's been trying to off himself for weeks," I told her.

"If he kills himself, he will never be with her," Daaaaad said thoughtfully. "His death must be natural or noble in order to move on to the Next Adventure."

I considered the question hovering on my tongue for a good while before I asked it. Did even I really want to know what was foremost in my mind? Could I handle the truth?

"Hildy?"

"Yes dear?"

"What is the Next Adventure like?"

"I haven't been there yet," she said quietly. "I was in a holding tank of sorts, I suppose. Apparently the Goddess had more plans for me here."

"So the Next Adventure could be nothing—just a big black hole of nothingness?" I whispered.

"Maybe," she answered. "But I don't think so. I caught little glimpses of those moving on and it was indescribable."

"Beautiful?" I inquired hopefully.

"Beyond mere words," she replied. "It looked and felt like pure peace."

"I don't want you to go there. I want you to stay," I said in a voice that reminded me of myself as a child begging my mom to love me.

Hildy floated close without touching and smiled at me. "My coming back is a gift," she said. "I don't know how long it will last, but meeting you completes me. I never had a child, but if I had one, I could only wish she was as beautiful, compassionate, kind and as strong as you."

"I'm none of those things," I told her.

"You are all of those things, child. You just have to believe."

Was she right? With all my bad traits—and there were many—was I all those good things too?

"This is getting deep," Daaaaad said as he hugged me tight.

"Yep," I said as I wiped away a stray tear which had fallen from my eye. "Let's get back to more gossipy shit. What's Chuck's gift?"

"You mean besides his prehensile lips?" Hildy inquired with a glint in her eye.

"What the hell does that mean?" I asked quite sure I would regret my question.

"Detachable lips! You wouldn't believe what he can do with those. One time…" Hildy was on a roll.

"Stop!" I yelled and smacked my hands over my ears. "I am this close to projectile hurling and I ate multi-colored cereal this morning for breakfast. And thank you for assuring for the need to tack on at least ten more years of therapy."

Daaaaad scrubbed his hands over his handsome face and groaned. "I think I might need some therapy to erase that one too."

"You're all just jealous," she trilled. "Don't you want to know Mac's gift?"

"No she does not," Daaaaad grumbled. "She going to meet a nice warlock and settle down. Soon."

"Hummph," Hildy grunted. "Warlocks are imbeciles. Present party included. A big, and I mean
big
Shifter, is definitely the way to go."

I bit back my laugh as Daaaaad turned an unbecoming shade of purple. Hildy sang on about the size of Shifters and I was certain Daaaaad was going to blow.

"What's Mac's gift?" I asked trying to avoid a brother-sister smackdown.

"Ohhhhhhh," Hildy said with reverence. "Mac has a gift very few are given. He was blessed by the Goddess with compassion and a deadly protective instinct unparalleled by any magical species. Shifters of his kind only come along every few thousand years. He is meant for greatness."

My stomach lurched and I wanted to cry. Shitballsbuttbomb.

"Well, there you go," I choked out in a tone I hoped sounded casual and uncaring. "He needs to pick someone far better than me."

"He didn't pick you. You were meant for him," Hildy informed me.

"Oh my hell," I yelled. "So he's stuck with me? This is awful. He needs someone who can you know… be a responsible grown up."

"No, he just needs someone who will love him," Hildy countered simply.

This was giving me hives. Hildy did not understand. She didn't really know me. None of these people did.

Hell, I'd spent more time with Sassy in the pokey than any of my new friends—and Sassy didn't know me either. I wasn't sure
I
even knew me.

They thought I was nice and compassionate. I was not the witch they were making me out to be. This was far more than I could handle. Once they realized who I really was—a selfish, unstable, unlovable and materialistic nightmare they wouldn't want me anymore.

Fuck, this was why I never stayed anywhere long. It always ended in disappointment—usually mine. I was getting far too attached here and it was going to end in heartbreak. It most often did.

Fine. I was a big girl. I owed it to the community to find the evil and destroy it. Doing so would feel good and make me happy. After I was done, I would quietly slip away. Maybe Sassy could take over. No. That would be a clusterfuck. I would break up with Mac and let him know I wasn't mating material for him.

Goddess, if I did that I'd definitely have to leave. Seeing him with another woman would kill me… or I'd kill her. Not very kind and compassionate… or legal.

I narrowed my eyes and focused on the rock I'd given up on earlier. Before I could explore the ramifications of creating another massive hole in my yard, I blew up the rock. Only the rock. Bingo. Without much thought, I flicked my fingers and filled in all the craters. As an afterthought, I added a few trees and flowering shrubs.

Daaaaad was grinning and Hildy was cheering. I was about to conjur up an Olympic sized swimming pool, but stopped short. That was self-serving… wasn’t it?

"Would a pool be a bad thing or a good thing?" I asked my next of kin.

"Will you open it to the community?" Daaaaad asked with a smirk.

I considered for only a second. "Yes, but only in human form. I am not cleaning hair out of filters."

"Then I say yes!" Hildy squealed.

"Done." I wiggled my nose and a pool appeared. "I'm handling my magic," I shouted as I added twenty cabana chairs and a pool house complete with a snack shack and sauna.

This was fun. Goddess, I could fix up down town for the community and maybe even magic up a Target.

"Holy shit on a stick, you people are loud," Sassy shouted from her window above. All of your rude chattering woke me up an hour ago."

"Your point, lazy ass?" I yelled back.

"You need me," she said with a huge yawn.

"And yet again, I'm not following."

"The witch. The one behind stealing Hildy's magic is the very same one who sent the honey badgers to kill you. I know who it is."

"You gonna make me guess?" I snapped.

"Nope, but I have to pee like a race horse. Keep your panties on. I'll be down in five."

Chapter 13

"Is she sane?" Hildy asked as we waited for Sassy and her theory on who the witch was.

"Define sane," I muttered as I paced.

"Oh dear…" Hildy mumbled as she flew around and wrung her hands.

To pass the time while Sassy relieved herself, I added nice teak tables with sun umbrellas to the pool deck. I considered a diving board, but the amount of broken Shifter necks I'd have to heal prevented me.

"Where is she?" I hissed.

"Peeing," Daaaad reminded me.

"Duh. How long does it take to pee?" I snapped.

"Depends on the time of day and if it's hot or cold outside. Month of the year also is a determinate," he explained seriously.

"Alrighty then," I said and kept pacing.

Did she really have the answer we were looking for? How in the hell could she? Sassy wasn't from here and only knew the bare bones of what had gone on in the last several weeks. Had the warlocks told her and she'd held out? She was in for an enormous ass smite if that was the case.

"Dude, the guest bathroom has a water fountain in the toilet," Sassy said, stuffing a bagel in her mouth as she stumbled out into the backyard.