Witch Glitch: Magic and Mayhem Book Two (15 page)

"Did you drink out of it?" I asked, suppressing an evil grin.

"No, am I supposed to?" she asked.

All the bathrooms in the house had bidets—very European. Clearly my Aunt Hildy had a thing for cleanliness.

"Yes. Yes you are. It's a very rare and tasty natural spring water," I said without cracking a smile.

"Seems a little odd to drink from a toilet, but whatever. When in Assjacket…" Sassy said with a shrug.

"Soooooo?" I asked.

"Wait. Do I just drink from it like a water fountain or do I get a glass and fill it?"

"Water fountain," I said as Daaaaad sprinted to the other side of the yard to hide his laughter.

"Is he okay?" Sassy inquired with concern. She wiped the cream cheese from her fingers onto some very expensive jeans which looked disturbingly like a pair of mine.

"He's fine," I said quickly. "Info please."

"It's not real hard to figure out, dumbass," she said. "You know her."

I knew her? Who in the hell did I know that Sassy knew as well?

"It's not Baba Yopaininmyass," I informed her firmly.

"Oh my Goddess." Sassy crouched over in laughter. "Of course it's not! She might be a fashion show disaster, but she's good through and through. A little rough on the punishments if you ask me, but she's not evil."

"Okay," I said as I ran my hands through my hair in frustration. "Who is it?"

"You don't want to guess?" she asked with a smirk.

"No," I ground out as I briefly considered magically rearranging her face. "I don't want to guess."

Sassy back away and grinned. "Don't do it," she warned.

"Do what?" I shouted.

"I don't know, but don't do it," she replied with a giggle.

She was enjoying herself way too much for my pleasure.

"I'll tell Jeeves you're into My Little Pony sexual role playing," I threatened.

"What the heyhey?" She gasped and backed further away. "How did you know that?"

"Holy shit," I choked out. "I made that crap up."

"Well, you have no room to talk, Little Red Riding Hood," Sassy accused.

"I most certainly do," I shot back. "A witch with a rainbow tail coming out of her ass and a witch wearing a ten thousand dollar Chanel red cape are two entirely different things."

"Mother
fucker
," Sassy gushed, totally impressed. "You have a ten thousand dollar cape?"

"I do," I squealed completely forgetting what we were talking about.

Daaaaad's groan and dry heave brought me back to reality.

"Okay," I reasoned trying to get back on track. "I will do my damnedest to block out that you like to wear a tail and snort during sex. And you will tell me who the fucking witch is. Now."

"You won't tell Jeeves?" she asked with narrowed eyes.

"No, I won't tell. Witch's Honor," I promised.

I heard Hildy's chuckle and I shot her a look that shut her up fast. My track record with Witch's Honor was slightly lacking lately.

"Good because I want to surprise him," Sassy said.

"He'll definitely be surprised," I said with a small shudder feeling sorry for Jeeves. He had no clue he was now in a relationship with Sassy the Horse. "The witch?"

"Oh right… it's your mom."

WTF?

"Did the butmunching warlocks tell you this?" I demanded as I advanced on her. My mother was a heartless skank, but not a killer. At least I didn't think so…

"No, your loud mouths did," she said as she stood her ground.

"Explain," I snapped.

Hildy had flown close and Daaaaad high tailed it back over.

"Let's start with something I'm curious about. What the hell is her name?" Sassy asked.

"Judith," I said at the same time Daaaaad said, "Sandy," and at the very moment Hildy said, "Isobelle."

"Okay." Sassy shook her head and chuckled. "I'm just gonna stick with 'your mom'."

"Out with it," I said impatiently.

"She's dating a Vamp?" she asked.

"Yes, what does that have to do with anything?" Daaaaad asked, perplexed.

"I'll get to that," Sassy promised. "You're hot. Are you seeing anyone?" she asked him with a lecherous smile

"Oh my hell," I hissed. "He's my daaaaad."

"Ooops, sorry. That
is
a little weird," she agreed. "And anyway, I'm dating Jeeves."

I held my tongue before I reminded her she hadn't even met Jeeves yet, but there was no time for a debate. I needed answers.

"So, your mom tried to be Hildy, right?" Sassy asked.

"Right," Hildy answered.

"Then dated your daaaaad and tried to learn to heal?"

"Yes, but boffed would be more accurate," Daaaaad chimed in.

"Okay, boffed," Sassy amended. "Got pregnant with his child?"

"Yes," I said as my head felt light. She was on to something. I could feel it in my gut. I just couldn't decipher the details.

"Hated you?" she asked me.

"Yes," I admitted softly.

"Wanted to be a Baba Yaga?" she added. "Which by the way, I didn't know about either."

"The Baba thing being a title?" I asked, glad I wasn't the only one.

"Who did your training dear?" Hildy asked kindly.

"I was home schooled," Sassy told her.

"By a witch?" Hildy asked.

"Nope, by me," Sassy said with pride.

Well that certainly explained a lot.

"Sassy, while all of this is somewhat revolting to discuss, I'm not sure I see how you came to this conclusion," Hildy said as she made the international kookoo sign behind Sassy's back.

"I can see how you would say that," Sassy agreed with a nod.

"Wait, the revolting part or the how in the hell did you cook up this bizarre plot part?" I asked getting confused and more annoyed.

"Both," Sassy confirmed.

"Sassy," Daaaaad ground out as calmly as he could. "It would be outstanding if you could put us out of our misery here. Get to the damn point."

"Right," she said. "She couldn't get it by imitation. She couldn't get it by boffing. She couldn't get it by bearing a child from the healer line."

"Get what?" I asked.

"Your magic," she said with an eye roll.

"Your point?"

"She can't be a healer without your magic. Therefore she can't be a Baba Yaga. I'm pretty sure it’s what she's always been after. By the way, it's still blowing my mind that Baba's name is Carol. She is so not a Carol. It should be Madonna or Cyndi Lauper or Pat Benatar."

"So true," I agreed and then slapped myself in the head for losing concentration again. Sassy could make the Devil himself lose focus.

"Anyhoo, the badgers got your magic," she told Hildy.

"Would you like to tell us something we don't know," Hildy queried less politely than usual.

"Wait. You think my mother was behind the badgers?" I gasped.

"Possibly or maybe not. But it certainly seems like she knew enough to let the ugly rubbery fucker go."

"I thought the creepy little warlocks did that," Daaaaad said.

"For fucks sake, do I have to spell out everything?" Sassy huffed.

"Yes," we yelled in unison causing Sassy to jump, resulting in half of the cabana blowing up.

"Whoops." Sassy giggled and shrugged. "Your mother dates a vamp, right?"

"Pretty sure we've already clarified that icky nugget," I reminded her.

"That explains it," she said with a satisfied grunt like she was done.

"Oh. My. Hell," I shouted and flung my arms, inadvertently blowing up the other half of the cabana. "Explains what?"

"The puncture wounds in the necks of the douchehole warlocks," she replied as if we were daft.

My knees buckled and I dropped to the ground with a thud. Sassy was brilliant—a massive pain in my ass—but brilliant. The answer was right in front of us.

"It doesn't prove she was behind the whole thing," I said as I expelled the breath I'd been holding.

"No," Sassy agreed. "But I'd bet my finest tail, the one with all the sequins and feathers sewn on it, that she's involved now."

Again I almost forgot what I was talking about as the visual of Sassy's horsetail invaded my brain. Her mind alone was a weapon which could be used to kill.

"I'm still not on the same page," Daaaaad said.

"The vampire bit all the warlocks and tranced them into making them let the badger go. He probably wiped their memory of it too. That's why they can't remember," I told him.

"Do you think he bit the badger too?" Sassy asked.

"Um… that would be insanely gross, but I don't know," I said. "A couple of theories could work here. One—the badgers worked with my mother to get Hildy's magic. However, that didn't pan out because the badger put the magic in himself. Two—my lovely maternal incubator heard about it and wants the ability to do it herself. She'd have to have the honey badger to get the syringe."

"Diabolical, but certainly possible," Daaaaad said.

"Goddess, I should have smited her to dust all those years ago," Hildy hissed.

"No," Sassy disagreed. "If you had, I wouldn't have a best friend. Zelda would have never been born."

Hildy turned a ghostly ashen and dropped down to the ground next to me. "She's right," she apologized. "I didn't mean what I said."

"I know," I told my aunt. "And you." I pointed at Sassy. "Are you just trying to butter me up or are you trying to make me go easy on the fact you smeared fucking cream cheese on my jeans?"

"Both?"

"Smart girl," Daaaaad said as his hands lit up with sparks. "Let's go find your mother. I have a few things I'd like to tell her in sign language."

"Nope," I said firmly as I stood up and gave Sassy a quick, awkward hug. "We go after the badger. It'll be easier to find a stinky animal than a witch who doesn't want to be found until she has the syringe. Plus she's most likely working with a vampire."

"It's next to impossible to kill a vamp," Hildy worried aloud.

"It might be difficult to find the honey badger too," I said.

"Can we scry for him?" Sassy asked.

"Excellent suggestion," Daaaaad said. "However, scrying can take days and I don't think we have days."

"We don't need to scry," Hildy announced. "There's a Shifter with the gift of being able to sniff out other species, but…"

"But what?" I asked, excited to have a lead.

"It's Bo," Hildy said softly.

"Baby Bo?" I shouted in disbelief. "Four year old, adorable Bo?"

"Yes," she answered. "He is an alpha in training. His power is immense."

"Absofuckinglutely not. He's too young and I won't risk his life. The honey badgers have already cracked his skull. And let me just say, it hurt like a motherhumper from hell to heal that wound," I snapped. "There has to be another way. Sassy go find a mirror and start to scry. Daaaaad go with her since she's never seen the honey fucker. Hildy start thinking of a plan B which doesn't involve a child."

"Zelda, this might be the only way. It might be what fate decrees," Hildy said sadly.

"Then fate can bite my butt. There's always another way. I just have to figure out what the hell it is," I insisted. "And I
will
figure it out."

Shitshitshit. I just hoped I wasn't blowing smoke up my own ass.

Chapter 14

"I can do it," Little Bo said sweetly as he puffed out his tiny chest and growled.

I ran my hands through my hair and paced the front lawn in agitation. All the Shifters gave me a wide berth as my fingers were shooting off green sparks.

"I think we can find a better and safer way," I said. "You're simply too young to deal with a witch, a vampire and a honey badger."

Mac leaned against the railing of my front porch and watched the action with his arms crossed over his chest. I didn't recognize the expression on his face, but didn't have time to decipher it. The Shifters were whispering and I was getting annoyed.

"I'm not crazy about this," Wanda said as she held her son close. "But my boy is correct. Bo is capable."

"He's just a baby," I yelled. "The honey badgers almost killed him the last time."

"But they didn't," Mac said from the porch. "Shifters are vastly different than humans and much different than witches. Plus we have the Shifter Whisperer."