Witch Glitch: Magic and Mayhem Book Two (12 page)

"I promise to do my best," she vowed.

Her words didn't calm my fluttering stomach, but it would have to do for the moment. I needed to have a few words with Baba Yaga and then I wanted a brief town meeting to get all my people up to speed. If I worked fast and efficiently I could still get laid before sundown.

My plans were set.

"Hang on, I have to do one more thing," I said as I raised my hands up and took a deep breath. I wasn't entirely comfortable leaving Sassy and my vile new pets down in the basement alone with no protection.

“Goddess of mine, hear my call

Bind the magic shits so my friends will not fall

For those that are true, may their power come back

But for he who is not, make him a magic-less hack”

"Another interesting spell," Fat Bastard commented. "I like it."

"The swearing is a nice touch," Sassy added approvingly.

"Well, I'm kind of finding my mojo here," I admitted. "I figure I need my own style."

"You got it cornered, Sweetcheeks," Boba Fett congratulated me.

"Thank you. Mac, come with me. We have work to do and then I have to tell you a story."

The cats and Sassy snickered. Mac quickly shifted back to human form and I dressed him with a flick of my hand before Sassy's eyeballs popped out of her head.

Mac's over-confident grin annoyed me and turned me on. I was becoming as possessive about him as he was about me. Yet another reason for therapy. It was the one thing I was determined to find out during the town meeting.

I was going to take care of my freakin' mental health if it was the last thing I did.

Chapter 11

"Is this a fucking joke?" I demanded to the group of confused Shifters. I stomped my foot and hurled blast of magic at the same tree Chuck had tried to hang himself in this morning blowing a branch off.

My front yard was filled with Shifters milling about as I threw a hissy fit on the lawn. The raccoon Shifters, Wanda and her adorable four year old son Bo were handing out refreshments, and my buddies, Simon the skunk and Deedee the deer were putting out folding chairs for the large group which had formed.

"No sweetie," Wanda said as she offered me lemonade and a cookie. "Roger the rabbit is a wonderful therapist. He's helped many of us."

"He's the town gossip and he has… um… issues," I said as I remembered I'd promised not to share Roger's porno addiction. "There has to be another therapist in town."

"Nope," Simon cut in. "He's the only one. He helped me get over my fear of the dark. It was a great relief to the entire community when I got cured."

"Why was the town concerned about your being afraid of the dark?" I asked as I pilfered a second cookie from the tray Wanda was holding.

"Because his stinker trigger is connected to his fear level," Wanda gently explained as not to embarrass Simon.

"She's correct," Simon added with a blush and a chuckle. "It was awfully smelly at night for about ten years before Roger helped me put a plug in it—so to speak."

This could not be happening. There was no way in hell I was going to be doctored by Roger the butt plug wielding boob ogler.

"I'll just go to another town to get my head shrunk," I told them.

"You'll have to go to another state for someone who can deal with magical beings," Simon said as he helped an older mountain lion Shifter to a seat. "The closest one I know of is in Florida."

"Maybe there's a witch around here who can take me on," I muttered as I searched the crowd for Daaaaad, Hildy and Baba Yaga. Where in the hell were they?

"Interesting you say that," Simon said thoughtfully. "I've detected the presence of another witch in the area."

"Well, there
is
kind of another witch in the area," I admitted and wondered if Hildy wanted her presence known.

"Really?" Wanda asked concerned. "Is she after your job?"

"Absolutely not," I assured her and Simon. "She’s a good witch. Oh and my cellmate, Sassy from the pokey is here for a visit—hopefully a very short one. But neither of those witches want my job."

"Good," Simon said with relief. "Witch showdowns are quite frightening."

"Buttbomb explosion frightening?" I asked with a smirk.

"Yep, big ones," he replied with a laugh. "Should we get started here?"

"We should," I told Simon as we walked to the front of the crowd.

"Is there a reason we're meeting outside?" he asked as he gestured for all to take a seat.

"Sassy the Shitastic is in the basement digging info out of Baba Yaga's warlock's brains. One of the little assmonkeys let the honey badger go free. There's a fine chance I won't have a house in the next hour, so I figured we'd be safer in the yard."

"Good thinking," Simon casually congratulated me as if I'd told him I'd eaten all my veggies. "However the witch I sensed…"

A gardenia scented wind blew up from out of nowhere and hundreds of tiny teal and hot pink birds zipped in and out of the crowd. Silver and gold glitter rained down and I rolled my eyes.

The Shifters danced around and waved at me with joy.

"It's not me," I yelled above the chatter, but no one heard or they just didn't care. Goddess, was this how she always made her entrances? I was clearly slacking.

"I'm baaaaaaaaaack!" Hildy squealed to a shocked and delighted crowd as she floated above making sure she was out of touching range.

"Hold that thought Simon," I said as I shook my head at my Aunt's over the top entrance.

My Daaaaaad stood below her, grinning like an idiot. Thankfully he was no longer sporting my yoga pants. He was in jeans and a nice button down shirt.

"It's Hildy," Deedee shouted with glee. "And she's transparent!"

"I'm a ghost!" she explained to the excited yet wary Shifters.

"Are you here to stay?" Little Bo asked as he reached up to touch her.

"No touching," Daaaaad said as he gently pushed Bo's hands down. "She'll freeze your ass off."

"He's right," Hildy said sadly. "You can look but not touch."

"Oh my Goddess." Wanda dropped the tray of cookies and paled. "Does Chuck know?"

"Does Chuck know what?" I asked as I searched the crowd for him.

I didn't see him and worried for a brief second he might be hanging in a tree, but he had promised Mac he wouldn't off himself until the danger had passed.

"I don't know how long I can stay," Hildy told the rapt group. "But we will make the most of my visit while I'm here."

Hildy scanned the crowd as she flew above. Her smile turned to a frown as if she couldn't find what she was searching for.

"Not everyone is here," she said with a pout.

"I'm pretty sure they are," I replied.

"No. Someone is missing," she insisted as she flew frantically around the excited crowd.

"She's talking about Chuck," Wanda whispered in my ear.

"Why is she looking for Chuck?" I whispered back.

"Because she loves him."

"Hildy and Chuck?" I asked.

"Sitting in a tree. K I S S I N G," Simon said. "He was distraught for weeks after she died."

"He's still distraught," I told him. "He tried to hang himself in my tree."

"Oh dear, that won't work out like he thinks it will," Wanda said as she shook her head sadly.

"You can't be sure about that," Simon countered.

"Confused here," I muttered.

"He wants to be with Hildy," Wanda explained.

"She's dead," I stated the obvious.

"Exactly," Simon said.

"Oh my Goddess," I gasped out. "He's trying to kill himself to be with her?"

The Shifters went silent as a huge roar and an enormous black bear burst from the tree line and bound into the middle of the chaos. Hildy flew higher as Chuck, in his bear form, reached for her.

"No," she shouted. "You can't touch me. I'll hurt you."

He jumped and growled, but to no avail. Hildy flew higher.

"No. Chuck, you cannot touch me. I will not allow it," she said in a voice filled with anguish.

Chuck's agonized wail made my heart hurt. Silver tears streamed from my beautiful aunt's eyes. Chuck fell to the ground and beat the dirt. The Shifters backed up respectfully and gave him room. My heartbroken friend clawed at his fur and banged his huge head against the hard ground.

"Chuck stop," Hildy cried. "You'll hurt yourself, my love."

Hildy tried to stop him with magic, but to her shock and dismay her magic didn't work. For a brief moment, I wondered if it was because she was a ghost… then the reality hit. My stomach churned. Her magic didn't work because I had her magic inside me. I'd taken it back from the honey badger who had stolen it from her when he killed her. I was the walking talking magical menace. Not only did I have Hildy's power… I also had my own.

Damndamndamn.

Chuck ignored my Aunt's impassioned plea and the Shifters—being idiot Shifters, joined him. They all fell to the ground and began banging their heads and clawing at their bodies.

No. Fucking. Way.

The was no way in hell I was going to heal forty Shifters with self-inflicted head wounds because they felt some kind of bizarre need to further Chuck's cause. Thankfully Simon, Wanda, Bo, Daaaaad and Mac had not joined the kool-aid drinking dumbasses.

"Enough," I shouted and flung my hands in the air. I knew I was taking a risk using my power on a large group, but they'd given me no choice. If I had to heal all of them, I'd be passed out for weeks. I didn't have time for it. I had obese new pets, a heinous and potentially highly explosive houseguest, some evil to banish, and an x-rated fairy tale to finish.

Sparkling rainbow colored flames shot from my fingertips and all forty or so Shifters levitated into the air and hung there like helium balloons. Their befuddled faces almost made me laugh. However, I was terrified to let them down. There was no telling what would occur.

"Whoops, didn't know that would happen," I mumbled as I stared at my hands.

"You didn't plan that?" Daaaaad asked with concern.

"Not exactly. I just wanted them to stop banging their heads on the ground. That would give me the mother of all migraines to heal that shit," I said in my defense.

"Goddess," Daaaaad said as he ran his hands through his hair in worried agitation. "We need to get you trained. Pronto."

"Ya think?" I snapped. "At least I didn't blow up the countryside."

"I think what you did was outstanding," Mac said as he took in the spectacle with pride.

"You just want in my pants," I told him.

"Correct, but I still think you did the right thing," he said with a grin.

Daaaaad shook his head and groaned as he gave Mac the stink eye. "You know I can ground you, young lady."

"You know I can shrink all your boxer briefs, Daaaaad—while you’re wearing them."

"You wouldn't," he huffed as his hands went instinctively to his man jewels.

"Try me," I countered.

"Remind me never to get on your bad side," Mac said.

I rolled my eyes and laughed. "I promise never to damage your Bon Jovi."

"Jon Bon Jovi is here?" Simon asked as he scanned the hovering Shifters.

"Shit," I muttered and I gave Mac a lopsided apologetic smile. "Guess I don't have to worry about Roger letting the rock star out of your pants."

"No," Mac said with a huge sigh and a chuckle. "You did just fine on your own."

"Oooohhhhhhh, I get it," Simon said with a thumbs up. "I call mine The Hulk."

"TMI, Simon," I told my skunk buddy as all the male Shifters began shouting out the names of their man rods.

What had I started?

"Okay," I yelled. "That's quite enough. I'm delighted and repulsed that you've all named your packages, but I have enough nightmares as it is."

"I call mine John Holmes," Roger the rabbit therapist shouted in the silence.

There was simply no way in hell I was going to him for my problems. Not gonna happen.

"Mmkay, while that's all kinds of awesome, beyond gross and massive wishful thinking, we have business to attend to and the next Shifter who shares his weenie's name shall lose said weenie."

The silence was so thick it could be cut with a knife. I suppressed my giggle and forged on. Glancing around, I realized someone else was missing. Not good—not good at all.

"Where is Baba Yomamma?" I asked Daaaaad and Hildy.