Witch & Wizard (22 page)

WWA:
Wizards with Attitude, the seditious group that paved the lamentable road to hard-core wizard rap.

Stonesmack:
Their debut album,
A Flood of Redness to the Face,
quickly catapulted this band to supergroup status, where they remained until Order came to the world.

The Walking Heads:
They began as “art” rockers but ended up super-stars. One of their filmed concerts documents just how insane their fans must have been to actually pay to see them.

Toasterface:
An “alt-rock” band that was foolish enough to release an album for free to their fans, thus denying economic benefit to their era’s tax collectors.

Lay-Z:
A rapper whose biting, streetwise rap became so successful that he stopped bothering to finish his albums and lost touch with his fans.

MUSEUMS THAT HAVE THANKFULLY BEEN RAZED BY THE NEW ORDER

as Mandated by The One Who Micromanages Public Gathering Spaces

POPA:
The Pavilion of Progressive Art. Located in the artistically unsound City of New Gotham, this glass-walled monstrosity was the repository for many of the most laughable pieces of art in what was considered—at the time—the great modern age.

The Britney:
Also in the wicked City of New Gotham, this depraved institution became famous for its biennial exhibition of aesthetically questionable, morally reprehensible displays of garbage, which its patrons claimed to be the most current of “artistic expressions.”

The Betelheim:
This structurally unsound, spiral-shaped museum was one of the most bizarre gallery spaces in the former world.

The Jonesonian:
The national museum of one of the largest and least-tasteful countries on earth. It was in fact comprised of submuseums covering everything from postage stamps to airplanes to sculpture.

The Fate Gallery:
Incorporating one of the world’s largest collections of both ancient and what was referred to as “modern” art, this museum is a prime example of why the last civilization came to an abrupt end.

The Fusili:
Located in one of the older Old World cities, this was one of the most famous art museums of its time. It contained many pieces from an era that was referred to as the “Renaissance” but clearly was the height of the “Dark Ages.”

VISUAL “ARTISTS” WHO ARE NO LONGER SULLYING THE WORLD

as Annotated by The One Who Assesses Visual Stimuli

Pepe Pompano:
Considered by many the most significant painter in the former world’s penultimate century. His “art” resembled the work of a kindergartner. One of his paintings,
Magia
—which apparently depicts a bombed-out city—was so large it took nearly twenty minutes to burn completely.

Wiccan Trollack:
A bizarrely popular painter whose work involved exploding cans of paint.

Max Earnest:
A deeply disturbed painter and sculptor who had no sense of proportion and whose works might have been hung in prisons to punish criminals—except that would have been grossly inhumane.

De Glooming:
There is some debate about whether De Glooming was a real person or an elaborate hoax to prove just how poor the artistic tastes of his time were. The choice of shapes and color in De Glooming’s art can only be described as nauseating.

Margie O’Greeffe:
During the Unfortunate Era, when females were not adequately controlled and monitored in their artistic expressions, this woman popularized flat, dull imagery completely devoid of detail and any representational accuracy.

Freida Halo:
Another renegade female “artist” who frequently overindulged in uncomfortable, unseemly, unattractive self-portraits, also in the Unfortunate Era, when self-portraiture went unregulated. In these more enlightened, uncomplicated times, portraiture has been wisely limited to imagery of the Council of Ones.

EGREGIOUSLY INEFFICIENT OR SUBVERSIVE WORDS BANNED FROM USE

by Decree of The One Who Edits The Dictionary

cantrip
(noun)

a. a magic trick or witch’s spell b. chicanery
Tabitha’s slide into the dark arts began with
cantrips
and ended with life imprisonment.>

curve
(noun)

a. the part of a line that bends b. in graphs, a line that indicates a quantity that increases
and
decreases at varying quantities against which it is measured c.
capitalized:
in myth and legend of the previous era, a person or animal capable of entering and traveling through a passageway to another universe or dimension of existence; cf. Straight and Narrow
At the end of the folktale, a young
Curve
ended up in another dimension, where he wandered the Fogroads of Hell until the end of time.>

Dickensian
(adjective)

denoting poverty and distress of the type that occurred before The One Who Is The One saved the Overworld
Until the New Order took over, 99 percent of the world’s population existed in
Dickensian
straits.>

erlenmeyer
(noun)

a person so insistent on scientific or rational explanation that he or she demonstrates social behavior generally deemed to be awkward
The pitiless Resistance bullies taunted the New Order acolyte, calling him an
erlenmeyer
and ostracizing him from all their social activities.>

mingus
(noun)

a social gathering or place notable for a lack of food, beverage, or other amenities
One man’s
mingus
is another man’s citizenship-reaffirmation program.>

naysayer
(noun)

one who opposes, denies, or is skeptical about something
The wizards of the Old World claimed The One Who Is The One was a
naysayer,
until he
proved
their magic was empty trickery.>

pukka
(
or
pucka
) (adjective)

a. genuine b. first-class c. authentic to the age prior to the New Order Revolution
Wiccans and other degenerates will often collect items they consider to be
pukka,
thereby lending valuable evidence to New Order police conducting home raids.>

straight and narrow
(noun)

a. a person who always does things the same way, a bore b.
capitalized:
in myth and legend of the previous era, a person or animal incapable of traveling through a passageway to another universe or dimension of existence; cf. Curve
^c
Since interdimensional portals do not exist, no one should ever feel slighted at being called a
Straight and Narrow.>