With Me (11 page)

My earlier feelings return, rooting me in place with his stare. His eyes are weakening me as they always do, making me grab onto the rail in front of me to keep myself upright. I can feel my breath hitch and my body starting to tingle. I can’t take my eyes from his. It’s as if he’s hypnotizing me, demanding they stay focused only on him.

His lip curls up to one side causing my heart to speed up; it feels like it wants to jump from my chest. He’s about to say something when we hear, “Look, look! They put a big block of ice in the water for the polar bear to play with!” from an excited Josephina, now at our side, tugging us both to the window to watch.

Taking advantage of her request, I follow her over to the window, eagerly looking at the polar bear as a distraction to break eye contact with Joseph. Knowing that he’s once more standing at my side, I chance a quick glance back at Joseph out of the corner of my eye. Instead of looking at the polar bear, like I expect him to be, he’s looking directly at me. His eyes are hooded as he focuses on me.

My eyes find his and Joseph gives me a full smile, making me return one to him as well. My smile is out of shyness. His smile though, looks as if it has other intentions, making me wish I knew exactly what those intentions were.

FOUR HOURS LATER, we’re leaving the zoo. As we head towards the exit, Josephina started acting tired, whining that she wanted to be carried. I don’t carry her anymore, she’s getting to heavy for me to do so, but Joseph easily gives in to her request and scoops her up. She immediately falls asleep in his arms, which allows me to admire the priceless moment.

When we arrive at my place, I park my car in the driveway next to my building. Joseph once again helps me carry her from the car and into my building. I watch from a distance as he places her down in the bed for the remainder of her nap, tucking her in, and giving her a kiss. I can’t help but smile at the sight. The way he’s taken to her so quickly, as if they weren’t strangers before this week, but father and daughter the entire time, makes me tear up. I have to turn away so I don’t break down. Walking over to the couch, I sit and wait for Joseph. Before long he’s joins me; the awkward silence growing heavy between us as we sit together.

He breaks our silence by saying, “Thanks for letting me tag along today. It really means a lot to me,” his voice sounding raspy, as if he’s nervous.

I nod my head at him. My mind is still stuck on a particular question that Josephina asked him a couple of hours ago. It’s been on my mind since she asked it. I’d held my breath waiting for his answer, which never came, due to the loud trumpeting sound coming from the elephants we were looking at; frightening all of us into laughter.

Finding my courage, I remind him of the question. “Joseph, you never did get to finish answering Josephina’s question on whether you have a girlfriend or not,” I tell him, bracing myself for his answer.

When she’d asked, I’d noticed right away how Joseph’s body immediately tensed up, as if he didn’t want to reply. The panicked look on his face accompanied with his reaction worried me. I had already sensed his response, but I was still dreading hearing it from him.

The agonizing look on his face tells me he’s most likely going to say yes. However, I never expected the answer he gives me instead. “I’m actually engaged, Kasey. It happened recently, when I got back from Afghanistan. Her name is Elizabeth and we’re supposed to get married soon,” he tells me, looking down at the ground as if he’s afraid to face me.

I can’t clearly see his face, but I can tell by the way he’s raking the top of his head with his hands, his head still lowered, that he clearly isn’t happy about his declaration. I can only sit there, shocked from his admission. I wasn’t expecting it, but now that I’ve heard it, my heart is aching.

He turns his head in my direction. His eyes look dark and saddened, almost as if they are lifeless. I can only sit here, frozen and unable to say anything, as I stare back at him. I feel like the blood has drained completely from my body and my heart has plummeted into the depths of my stomach. The pain of hearing he’s engaged is still stabbing at my heart. I don’t know why the news of hearing that he’s engaged would make me feel this way. He was never mine to begin with. Ever. But the news hurts regardless.

“Congratulations.” I force a smile as I say the words.

“Thank you.”

Taking a deep breath, I make myself ask, “Have you told her about Josephina yet?”

I know he’s only discovered the news, but it’s only fair his fiancée knew he had a daughter. When he removes his hands from his head, he looks over to me looking torn. “I don’t want to tell her over the phone. Elizabeth isn’t going to take the news to well, so I need to tell her in person, but I do plan on telling her,” he defensively states, as if he’s reassuring me out of doubt, as he leans his head back once more.

With my lips formed into a tight line, I take in his response. “Joseph, I think it’s best we wait to tell Josephina,” I tell him around the lump lodged in my throat.

He whips his head up at me, his furrowed brow conveying his frustration. “Because I haven’t told Elizabeth about Josephina yet?”

“When you choose to tell her is between the two of you, but I have to protect Josephina’s feelings. She’s my responsibly and has been since the day she was born. I’m only trying to tell you that I don’t think it’s a good idea to tell her, especially knowing that you’re going to leave soon,” I declare.

He looks angry as he replies. “How can telling Josephina she has a father not be a good idea, Kasey? She has a right to know. You’ve kept her from me this long, it’s not fair you continue doing so,” he practically growls at me.

I’m about to argue his point on me keeping her from him, but I hear a surprised gasp come from the bed area making both our heads snap in that direction. We see Josephina standing there, holding her teddy bear she sometimes sleeps with tightly against her chest, her eyes wide in shock. I immediately stand up to go to her side, picking her up in my arms when I reach her.

Holding her in my arms, I try to comfort her. She faces Joseph with a small smile spread across her lips. “You’re my daddy?” she questions him with a raspy voice. Unshed tears are evident in her eyes as I hold her. It’s as if she’s trying to keep herself from crying.

Joseph somberly answers her. “Yes, princess, I’m your daddy,” he says as his hand reaches up to tuck her hair behind her ear. “But I didn’t know until the day I met you,” Joseph calmly mummers to her.

She lays her head on my shoulders, still staring at Joseph as she absorbs the news. I can tell by how quiet she is being that she is most likely trying to comprehend everything. I didn’t want Josephina to find out this way and it’s making me angry that she has. I walk over to the couch to take a seat with Josephina, Joseph right behind us.

“I didn’t want you to find out this way, but it’s best you found out before I have to leave,” he quietly tells her, his voice sounding apologetic.

She pulls her head up and her eyes grow wider. “You’re leaving? But you just got here. Where are you going?” she frantically asks, thinking he plans on leaving this very moment.

Forcing her to look directly at me as I say, “Sweetheart, Joseph lives in San Diego remember? He’s only here visiting, which means he has to go back to his home soon.”

I see her grow extremely saddened. I know she’s taken in what I’ve said, but she looks over in Joseph’s direction choosing to ignore me. “But why can’t you move here? With my mommy and me?” she pleads.

He reaches for her, pulling her from my lap to place her into his. “I’m a Marine. It’s a special kind of soldier and we are told to live in certain places of the world. We don’t have a choice where we want to live. They told me I had to live in San Diego for the next couple of years, so that’s where I have to stay. Remember when I said you can come and visit me?” he tells her, waiting as she nods her head. “Whenever I can’t visit you I’ll make sure you and your mommy can come visit me. Okay?” he declares, giving her a forced smile, as if that is going to take all her worries away.

Her eyes are locked onto his. “When do you leave?” she numbly asks in more of a whisper, as if she has to force herself to ask him. It’s the type of question she would have eventually asked, so I’m not surprised. Although I already knew the answer, I brace myself for her to hear his response.

“The day after tomorrow, really early in the morning. So we only have the rest of today and tomorrow to spend together,” his answer paining me as I watch her absorb his response.

The unshed tears I’d seen in her eyes earlier are streaming down her face. My heart feels like it’s once more plummeted to the pit of my stomach. She wraps her little arms tightly around Joseph’s neck, burying her face in the crook of his neck to continue crying. The sight making my own tears come down.

He continues holding her as he rubs his hand up and down her back. I can only sit here, allowing them to comfort each other. I understand the pain she’s feeling right now, knowing that he has to leave soon. I never wanted my little baby to have to experience the pain of knowing that he’s leaving her as well. I had gone through that pain once when Joseph left the first time. When he was finally gone it tore at my heart for days, even months, waiting to see him again.

I never wanted my Josephina to have to experience the same thing, but no matter how hard I tried to prevent it, it’s happening. My poor little girl’s heart was going to be broken at such a young age and I have no control of it. As I continue watching them, I know I’m going to have to stay strong for the both of us. I’ll have to force myself to glue the shattered pieces together when he leaves. Just like the first time.

I ARRIVE AT Kasey’s place, walking up to the front door with the large bag of items I had brought with me to surprise Kasey and Josephina, the Internet guy following closely behind me. I called her an hour ago to tell her I would be arriving soon. I’d left out the part that I had scheduled an appointment for nine a.m. for her Internet to be installed. I didn’t want to give her a chance to protest my decision.

Knocking as I reach the door, with the technician standing at my side, I wait for Kasey to open her door after firmly knocking on it again. I glance at the technician and he has his eyebrows raised as he questionably looks at me. I ignore him and continue to wait.

Within seconds Kasey answers and when she sees me, her eyes light up. I love seeing this reaction from her. It reminds me of the Kasey I grew up with. Something I’ve loved seeing the last couple of days I’ve spent with her and Josephina. However, when she sees the technician standing next to me she grows concerned.

“Good morning, Kasey. Can I come in, please?” I politely ask her, hoping to distract her from staring at the technician.

Taking another quick glance at the both of us, I see her body relax, opening the door to allow us both in.

The technician follows me in the building, but I stay at Kasey’s side when she closes the door. “Kasey, this guy is here to set up your Internet,” I say, pointing my chin at the technician looking around the interior of the building.