With or Without You (29 page)

Martha hesitated. Mimi might seem like she was growing up fast, but really she was still just a little girl inside. Telling her the truth might absolve Martha from any wrongdoing in Mimi’s
eyes, but it would wreck her opinion of her dad forever. Mimi and Jamie had such a strong bond, borne out of spending years together at home when it was just the two of them, before Tom came along
and barged his adorable way into their little family unit. With just a few short sentences, she could destroy that.

‘Well, it’s just that sometimes, couples need a little time out from each other . . .’

Mimi’s eyes filled again instantly. ‘Oh my God!’ she whispered, almost to herself. ‘You and dad are splitting up!’

‘No!’ Martha said, more forcefully than she had intended, and she put her hand up as if to soften the impact. ‘No,’ she repeated, more gently. ‘We’re not
splitting up. That’s my point. Sometimes, having a little time out can help you remember that you love each other and that you belong together. But Mimi, all couples have arguments . .
.’

‘But you and dad don’t argue!’ Martha was gratified to see that Mimi’s tears had dried and the hostility was ebbing away, her young face softening again.

‘Of course we argue, Mimi. I’m glad that you don’t think we argue much, but I can tell you for certain that we absolutely do. And when we argued this time—’

‘About you and Charlie Simmons?’ Mimi cut in, almost hopefully.

‘No!’ Martha snapped, feeling a spring of indignation and frustration welling up inside her. ‘Charlie is a friend. That’s all. I went to LA, partly to have a little time
out from Dad while we both calmed down a bit and partly because I’m doing Charlie’s memoirs, so I was shadowing him.’

Mimi pulled a face as if she was still trying to decide whether or not to believe Martha.

‘Look, darling,’ Martha continued, crossing the room to sit beside Mimi again. ‘I am really sorry you got teased about those photos but I promise you I am not about to run off
with Charlie Simmons. I’m staying here, with you, Dad and Tom. OK?’ She reached over to pull Mimi towards her, and this time Mimi didn’t resist.

‘OK,’ she murmured, allowing herself to be pulled into Martha’s embrace.

After a while, Martha kissed the top of Mimi’s silky head. ‘I’d better go downstairs and see Granny,’ she said. ‘To thank her for looking after you while we were
away.’

‘OK,’ Mimi murmured again, looking up at Martha with a wan smile.

Martha got up and flicked Mimi’s music back on. She opened the door as Mimi called out to her. ‘Mum?’

‘Yes?’

‘I’m glad you’re home.’

Charlie dived into the pool and surged forward through the cool, clear water until he reached the other side and rose up into the hot, thick air to take a breath.

‘Come on, Felix!’ he shouted, as his son’s miniature blurry outline hove into view at the other end of the pool. Charlie rubbed his eyes and Felix became clearer, standing
tentatively with his small toes gripping the edge of the pool, as he tried to decide whether to dive in or not.

‘You know it makes it easier if you just plunge straight in!’ Charlie said, grinning as Felix repeatedly bent at the knees, still undecided about whether to dive. Finally, he drew
himself up to his full height of not much over four feet and stretched his skinny arms above his head, revealing his ribcage as he did so. After a glancing moment of hesitation, he dived neatly and
deftly into the pool.

‘Good work!’ cried Charlie admiringly, as Felix emerged from the water and swam a few short strokes until he was at Charlie’s side.

Felix beamed proudly and Charlie reached out to ruffle his soaking wet curls. He was surprised how good the little boy had become at swimming. The last time he had been in a pool with him,
he’d been nervous and lacked finesse. ‘You’ve really come on, haven’t you?’

Felix nodded. ‘Danny’s been teaching me. He said it will help my surfing.’

Charlie flinched slightly, as he always did at the mention of Danny’s name. He didn’t want another man to have taught his son to swim, even though a part of him acknowledged that it
was better for Felix to have had a step-father who cared enough to teach him, than one who couldn’t care less.

He wondered if Liv had told Felix yet that she and Danny had split up. He suspected not, by the carefree way Felix had mentioned his name. ‘Danny’s a good teacher . . .’
Charlie said.

Felix nodded happily. ‘Yeah. Can we race?’ he shouted, already gearing himself up to start ahead of Charlie.

Charlie smiled, pleased that what had happened over the last few days hadn’t affected Felix adversely. ‘There and back!’ he yelled. ‘Ready, steady, go!’ Once again,
Charlie was stunned by Felix’s speed in the water. He would, of course, have let him win, but he actually didn’t have any choice, as the little boy streaked ahead of him
effortlessly.

‘Gee, Dad, you’re
slow
!’ Felix teased, as Charlie limped in several strokes behind him.

‘Tell me about it!’ Charlie puffed, splashing his face with cold water. ‘So . . .’ he said, as they floated lazily on the surface of the water, getting their breath back.
‘Do you want to tell me what really happened last night?’

Felix righted himself in the water and looked at Charlie nervously. ‘Mum said not to tell you.’ He wrinkled up his face. ‘In case you got cross.’

A bolt of annoyance shot through Charlie. Liv had no right to tell Felix to keep secrets from his dad. ‘I won’t get cross,’ he said, glad that his voice sounded even and calm.
‘Promise,’ he added, when he could see that the boy was still hesitating.

Felix plopped the water distractedly with his hand. ‘I came to find you.’

‘What?’

Felix shrugged slightly. ‘I got up and you weren’t there.’

‘No,’ Charlie said. ‘I was taking Martha out to dinner. To say goodbye,’ he added, ‘because she’s gone home today.’

Felix squinted against the glare of the sun reflecting in the dancing silvery white stars on the surface of the turquoise water. ‘Mum was asleep, but I couldn’t wake her
up.’

An alarm bell rang somewhere in Charlie’s brain. ‘Like before?’ he prompted.

Felix shrugged again. ‘I don’t know. Anyway, I came to find you.’

‘How did you come to find me?’ Charlie’s heart had started to hammer alarmingly and it had nothing to do with the swimming race.

‘I let myself out of the gate and walked.’

The simplicity of Felix’s description somehow made the horror of what he was saying a million times worse. ‘By yourself?’ Charlie gasped, already knowing the answer. The
thought of Felix’s tiny figure wandering those pitch black, winding, potholed streets all by himself was so utterly terrifying that for a second Charlie felt as if he might be sick. Every
single awful scenario of what might have happened ran through his brain at lightning speed.

Felix looked down and began to make swirling movements with his hands. ‘Then that guy came to get me in a really cool car.’

‘Jamie?’ Charlie could feel his lip curl at the mention of his name.

Felix shrugged. ‘Can’t remember his name. Martha’s husband.’

Charlie nodded. ‘Oh, well,’ he said, his casual tone belying the volcano of fury that was threatening to erupt from within him at any minute. ‘At least you got home safe,
eh?’

Felix’s face split into a wide smile of relief. ‘You’re not cross?’

‘No!’ Charlie scoffed, moving over and lifting him up. He was a light child anyway, but with the water holding most of his weight, it was like lifting a feather. Felix wrapped his
arms around Charlie’s neck and Charlie squeezed him tightly. ‘I’m not cross at all,’ he soothed, using every ounce of his acting ability.

By the time Liv arrived home, Felix and Charlie were curled up on the giant sofa in the TV room watching
Toy Story 3
, which was Felix’s current all-time favourite film.

‘Hi!’ she chirruped brightly, as she passed by the door on her way to the kitchen.

Charlie gave Felix a quick squeeze. ‘I just need to have a chat with your mum, I’ll be back in a minute.’ He said, ruffled his son’s curls as he got up.

‘Good massage?’ he said, eyeing her carefully. He leaned his back against the cool white wall and folded his arms.

‘Hmm,’ Liv replied, either ignoring or unaware of Charlie’s tone as she poured herself a coffee. She took a sip and pulled out a stool, before whirling around to face Charlie
and smiling broadly. As their eyes connected, it was almost comical the way her smile shrank back until it looked more like a grimace. ‘What’s wrong?’

Charlie glanced towards the TV room to make sure that Felix was not within listening distance. ‘I found out why Jamie was really here last night. That’s what’s wrong.’
Charlie had to speak as precisely as possible to stop his pent-up fury from bubbling over.

‘Oh.’ Liv dropped her eyes as a red rash began to spread from her chest to her neck.

Charlie watched its progress in fascination. ‘Is that all you’ve got to say?’ he hissed eventually when he decided that Liv had been silent for long enough.

‘I didn’t tell you,’ she said, gripping her coffee cup in front of her, as if in self-defence, ‘because I knew that this was how you would react.’

‘Bullshit!’ Charlie hissed back, making Liv jump visibly. ‘I have never, ever lost it with you, even though you damn well deserved it!’

‘Please, Charlie . . .’ Liv begged, her face beginning to crumple.

‘Oh no you don’t,’ Charlie growled, unfolding his arms and pointing at her. ‘Don’t you dare turn on the waterworks now. You told our son to lie to me!’

‘I didn’t!’ Liv protested, her eyes widening as if to emphasise her innocence. ‘I just told him not to tell you,’ she added in a smaller voice.

‘It’s the same bloody thing,’ Charlie snarled. ‘And now I’m indebted to that . . . that arsehole! Arrrgh!’ He flung his arms out in frustration.

‘Charlie, I’m sorry, OK?’ Liv said, putting her coffee down and standing in front of him, as if she was ready to do battle.

Charlie looked down at the face that had tortured him for years now and wondered why he felt absolutely nothing for her. The glossy blonde hair, the smooth, peaches and cream complexion and that
full mouth had haunted his days and his nights for as long as he could remember. Yet in an instant everything he had felt for her had just evaporated.

‘You were drunk,’ he said, looking at her dispassionately. ‘And I can smell alcohol on you now. You’ve been drinking again today, haven’t you?’

Liv closed her eyes for a second. She took a moment to compose herself before she spoke. ‘Yes, I was drunk,’ she admitted. ‘But I’ve had a very stressful few days,
Charlie. Come on, cut me some slack!’

Charlie shook his head, still stunned by the epiphany he had just experienced; the realisation that she no longer had any power over him. ‘No,’ he said, aware that his voice sounded
harsh, ‘I’ve cut you too much slack in the past. I should never have let you have custody of Felix . . .’

Liv’s eyes widened in terror as he continued.

‘But it’s not too late to put it right. I’m going to file for custody. I should have done it years ago. You’re not fit to look after him . . .’

Liv gasped and shook her head furiously. ‘No! No, Charlie, please! Don’t take Felix! It was a one-off . . . I’ll stop drinking altogether,’ she gabbled. She shuffled
towards him and grabbed both his hands. Charlie tried to pull away but her grip was vice-like. ‘Listen to me, Charlie. I love Felix. I would never, ever do anything to harm him or put him at
risk.’ As she spoke, she fixed Charlie with a wild stare that scared him.

He shook his head. ‘Well, that’s not true because you already did. No, it’s no good, Liv,’ he said, keeping his voice firm. ‘You need help. The panic attacks, the
passing out . . . it’s not normal. You’ve got a problem and you need help to fix it.’

‘I don’t!’ she cried, dropping to her knees in front of him. ‘I can do it on my own! Please, Charlie, I’m begging you, please don’t take Felix. It would kill
me.’ She slumped down so that her forehead was inches from the stone floor and lifted her head slightly.

‘No!’ cried Charlie, bending to grab her. But it was too late. Liv brought her head down onto the hard surface and Charlie winced as it made contact with a sickening crack. She
looked up at him as a trickle of blood began to snake a path down the centre of her smooth, white forehead. Then, with an expression that almost looked like a smile, Liv’s eyes rolled and she
slumped backwards, unconscious.

Jane was in the kitchen making tea by the time Martha came downstairs. Her mum glanced at her and motioned towards the table, where Martha obediently sat. ‘Thank
you,’ she said, as Jane placed a steaming cup of green tea in front of her and sat down opposite with her own cup.

Jamie was upstairs putting Tom to bed and Martha could just about make out his melodic voice as he read aloud to him. She took a sip of her tea and finally looked up to meet her mum’s eye.
Jane was watching her with an appraising gaze.

‘So,’ Martha began, knowing that she had to have this conversation but at the same time wishing desperately that she didn’t. The creeping blanket of humiliation, that had
become so achingly familiar over the past week or so, now crawled back into place and settled around Martha’s shoulders, making them droop with the weight.

‘So,’ Jane echoed. ‘What now, my love?’

Martha swallowed. She wasn’t going to cry any more. It didn’t help. It just made her feel a thousand times worse. ‘I honestly don’t know,’ she said, when at last
she was able to speak.

‘It’s very tough on you.’ Jane nodded slightly and sighed heavily. ‘But I take it the fact that you came home with him means you’re going to try to make a go of
it?’

Martha didn’t answer. She stared out over her mum’s shoulder into the garden, thinking how unfamiliar it looked after just a short time away. Dusk was falling and the colours were
tinged with a faint orange glow that made it look warmer than it was. After the searing heat of LA, the coolness of an English evening seemed comforting and reviving. She wondered what Charlie was
doing right now and who he was with. Already she missed him. Missed those eyes and that mouth, the smell and the touch of him. Wondered if he was missing her too.